[Tsunami]

This is for all of you who are just beginning your journey with your MLCér.

Your spouse was emotionally damaged at a young age.  He/She supressed their hurt feelings when they were young, as an adult their hurt and pain has risen to the surface, so they return to the age the emotional damage occured.

It is their issue, it does not belong to you.  Whoever they were married to at this time would have been the LBS, so please, don't blame yourself.

All of you that have been at this for some time, please add your input to this thread.

[Rebel Yell]

Not all relationships will survive the MLC.
There is ONE person you can't live without. They were there when you were born,
they will be there when you die. Take care of that person!

[leftylulu]

I, for one, have made it to that peaceful place amidst this mess. No he hasn't returned but I still believe he will someday. I no longer base my happiness upon his return. I found the happiness within.

It didn't happen until I decided to grieve the loss. Once I fully grieved the loss I was able to start the healing process. I may not be completely healed as I still don't feel I can completely open my heart to someone but I do know I'm on my way to being completely healed.

I also have found being single doesn't make me lonely anymore.

I'm out exploring my life finding things that fill me up. Volunteering is huge for me when it comes to being filled up.

I'm ready to start my own adventure, whatever that means. I do know, however, my life was meant to be lived. It's where my focus is right now.

I was just telling someone, who keeps telling how amazing I am because I genuinely care for and about people, that it's easy for me to care about others because I learned how to care about me. If we can't care about ourselves how can we genuinely care for others. It's seems like such a selfish statement but it's so true.

I've learned a great deal of lessons or blessing because I had to walk this path. Lessons I don't believe I would have learned, honestly. I was stripped of my very being and as I started putting myself back together I became a better person. A person who is true to herself, sees her own truths, and speaks them.

[wjg70]

WOW! Tsunami! i needed to hear that. Because my ex-wife had a troubling childhood and 1st marriage. She's going through menopause now with the hot flashes and mood swings and i thought thats why she's acting like this. Long story short, she wanted a divorce so we can start all over. She explains that we got married on the wrong foundation and now that were divorced she wants us to date. we've been divorced now about a week and seperated for a year and 10 months. She already asked me out for dinner but i diclined. Can anybody help me to really understand this kinda behavior?

[trusting]

Don't bother trying to figure out why an MLCer says or does something.  I am sure they don't even know themselves and it isn't worth the effort trying to figure out crazy anyway. 

Let them be. 

Don't stage watch. I don't see the stages as linear and they can be all over the place, back and forth.  All you really need to know is that they are in a crisis that will take a long time and you will know when they are not anymore.   

[wjg70]

Thank you Trusting!!

[in it]

Wig70

I was intimidated into a divorce three years ago.It took 4 months to finalize. Went back after a year passed. Nope- no way it was going to work.

The only way I view your situation is they think a "Clean Slate" is what was needed to start the relationship again. And somehow a divorce is the only way they can think to do this.

Sounds like your ex is going for a land speed record in regards to dating again.
Proceed with caution and focus on you. Don't tie your self worth up in her.

(((Hugs)))

[honour]

All of you that have been at this for some time, please add your input to this thread.

Over three years of 100% No Contact has given me a fresh start in life. A totally new perspective.

[lawprofessor]

PLEASE STOP with the worries about the OP!!!  STOP focusing on her!!  Stop thinking about her!!  STOP throwing her in spouses face.  (Substitute him as necessary).

Grief I understand how the new person feels about the OP.  I was there.  I remember well the pain, the anger, the confusion, the betrayal, the jealously, all of it.  But I have learned better from experience. 

I am a bit slow witted, so had to do this OP thing twice.  Once with Genius and once with J.  As some of you may know J lives with me and has for the 9 months.  He has been very open, honest, and forthright about his experiences.  I have observed and studied the situation as any nerdy researcher does.  The conclusion-the person is nothing as related to the Wife. 

For example, J had dozens of other women but one was pretty constant.  Briefly, he demanded she give him oral sex at the bar in front of the customers a few times.  He and she had sex in the bathroom of the bar many, many times.  He would have her meet him at the park, tell her to bend over, drop her pants,  and grab a tree, and have sex without regard for other people who may be in the area.  He urinated on her through a tent flap.  He treated her like dirt, or worse. 

Now he says OW was just so free and available.  She was fun.  I asked if he wanted to do those things, why not do them with Wife.  He said, "You gotta be kidding.  She's the mother of my kids, not some W**re off the street.  She's a good woman.  I would never ask her to do that nasty crap.  And she's strong.  She would never do that sh*t."  Did you respect her (OW)?  "Why would I?  I called her my Wh**e.  A F*ck buddy.  What do you think?"  It was all part of the game with his wife I think.  OW made her crazy so he had something to needle her with.  It is one of the things that kept them together (J and OW) for so long I believe.  She was a good board to bang his wife over the head with at any time.  Another example of a wife who let herself get in the way and impede the journey.

The other woman is nothing but a way to exercise and excise the dark side of the MLCer, the depression, the anger, the past, and to drive the Ex nuts with.  (Remember any way to bother the LBS is extra points.)  Nothing more.  J hasn't seen or talked to OW in well over a year.  No desire or need to in his words.  He told her to stop calling him, stop bothering him, that he didn't want her around cluttering up his life.  Wife gets money, frequent calls, respect, his attention, his affection and assistance. 

Do you want to be the Wh*re or the woman in the long run?  To impede the MLC journey or get out of the way? 

[Searching4Answers]

The other woman is nothing but a way to exercise and excise the dark side of the MLCer, the depression, the anger, the past, and to drive the Ex nuts with. 

I so agree with this statement  and the only thing that we have any control over is the 'driving us nuts' part.