[Jackolar12]

Lanzo....   Must say that it's a roller coaster of a relationship for 10 plus years.  Is it MLC?

Yes, I now know it as MLC, prior to that I thought she was just a WAW, 2007 to 2010 I was on the DB site and employed all of their techniques, that along with our parent illness and quite a few stand offs where neither of us did anything probably delayed her journey by a few years.

Lanzo

WAW =Walk away wife

i feel for you Lanzo you have had such a bad time jackolar

[Sunny]

Great question Jackolar!

I reckon H's withdrawal, unhappiness and discontent started about 2009ish, maybe earlier. BD was Sept 2012.

[Searching4Answers]

I think it was HeartsBlessing that references BD as 1/2 - 3/4 through the process. It is my understanding that HB doesn't post here any longer but I believe Thundarr recently posted a link to HB's website if you want to read more from her. Her observations come directly from her experience with her H.

Here is the timeline of the stages that HB saw with her H:

Pre-Midlife: Accommodation

Separation
Rejection & Refusal - Denial  (1 - 6 months)
Resentment - Anger (3 - 9 months)
Escape & Avoid (Covert Depression) (2+ years)
High-Energy: Replay
OR
Low-Energy: Wallow
Liminality or Liminal/Overt Depression (2.5 - 6 months)
Rebirth - Withdrawal (3 - 12 months)
Reintegration - Acceptance (6 - 9 months)
                                     
I think that the MLC starts before BD and counts towards the overall process; problem is that we can't really pinpoint the start so it doesn't help anything. I believe it was RCR that stated that the only stage that we can really pinpoint is replay so we commonly use BD as a starting point.

[Jackolar12]

Great question Jackolar!

I reckon H's withdrawal, unhappiness and discontent started about 2009ish, maybe earlier. BD was Sept 2012.

hi Sunny we are all having a hindsight with this thread it's good for our soul love jackolar

[Jackolar12]

Great question Jackolar!

I reckon H's withdrawal, unhappiness and discontent started about 2009ish, maybe earlier. BD was Sept 2012.

Thank you Sunny it's important we all know from our experiences to help others that's what we are all about love Jackolar

[Jackolar12]

I think the MLC started at least 1 1/2 - 2 years before BD; BD was December 2012 so looking back it probably started early 2011 or late 2010. I think BD occurred because H had finally found a willing OW; he had the now or never attitude, he met OW early November 2012. He had been looking at dating sites for good 2-3 years though. It is hard to look back and pin point the beginning, it has been so long since I have seen the H that I fell for  it happens so slowly in the beginning that we don't really recognize anything going on.

As far as when BD occurs in the scheme of things, I tend to think it is somewhere around 1/2-3/4point. It takes a few years of everything coming to a head, then boom we get BD. BD begins replay that averages about 2 years or so, then you have the time that they are coming out of the tunnel, not sure what the average time is for that. I'm think probably 1-2 years. So 2-3 years before BD, 2-3 years replay, 1-2 years post replay; 6-7 years total. Just my thoughts on it 

Hi searching 4answers the time line is similar to mine love and hope jackolar

[Jackolar12]

I think the MLC started at least 1 1/2 - 2 years before BD; BD was December 2012 so looking back it probably started early 2011 or late 2010. I think BD occurred because H had finally found a willing OW; he had the now or never attitude, he met OW early November 2012. He had been looking at dating sites for good 2-3 years though. It is hard to look back and pin point the beginning, it has been so long since I have seen the H that I fell for  it happens so slowly in the beginning that we don't really recognize anything going on.

As far as when BD occurs in the scheme of things, I tend to think it is somewhere around 1/2-3/4point. It takes a few years of everything coming to a head, then boom we get BD. BD begins replay that averages about 2 years or so, then you have the time that they are coming out of the tunnel, not sure what the average time is for that. I'm think probably 1-2 years. So 2-3 years before BD, 2-3 years replay, 1-2 years post replay; 6-7 years total. Just my thoughts on it  ;)sounds about right to me love and hope jackolar

[Jackolar12]

So are we saying that the three years prior to bd counts towards the estimated timeframe of 2-7 years??

No, I believe BD really starts the time frame.  I am pretty sure there is an article about this (or a blog).  We can't really qualify when their MLC started if you are talking about the dissatisfaction with life that is pre-BD. 

It definitely takes time for their MLC to simmer to a head when they drop the bomb or start replay activities.  In hindsight, I can see that my H was noticeably detaching from our family more than a year prior to BD.  His dissatisfaction with his job which has been a huge part of his MLC started even a couple of years prior to BD. 

I think that replay lasts a lot longer than 2 years in pretty much all MLCers.

Hi Trusting mine is just starting her third year anyone else like to add to this regards jackolar

[Jackolar12]

I think it was HeartsBlessing that references BD as 1/2 - 3/4 through the process. It is my understanding that HB doesn't post here any longer but I believe Thundarr recently posted a link to HB's website if you want to read more from her. Her observations come directly from her experience with her H.

Here is the timeline of the stages that HB saw with her H:

Pre-Midlife: Accommodation

Separation
Rejection & Refusal - Denial  (1 - 6 months)
Resentment - Anger (3 - 9 months)
Escape & Avoid (Covert Depression) (2+ years)
High-Energy: Replay
OR
Low-Energy: Wallow
Liminality or Liminal/Overt Depression (2.5 - 6 months)
Rebirth - Withdrawal (3 - 12 months)
Reintegration - Acceptance (6 - 9 months)
                                     
I think that the MLC starts before BD and counts towards the overall process; problem is that we can't really pinpoint the start so it doesn't help anything. I believe it was RCR that stated that the only stage that we can really pinpoint is replay so we commonly use BD as a starting point.

yes I would agree but we may need to re evaluate  to include the lead up time what do you think Roller coaster?

[trusting]

I am not sure those time frames are really accurate for stages of MLC. 

Also, I think that there is absolutely no way of knowing when they actually started to slip into crisis so I don't think there really is any way to determine how far in BD is.  Yes, we can see when they started seeming different but it is so subtle and creeps in so slowly that I am not even sure an MLCer in hindsight could pinpoint it exactly.  All I know is that my husband has been in crisis for what feels like forever.