I've been following along for a while and thought I'd chime in.
I am 2 years post BD and I've learned a lot in these two years which is a huge understatement. I've learned about myself and my strength and my character and I know who I am and what I believe in and what I want for my life and for my D4's life. I KNOW I still love my W. She's lost right now and I have learned to let her go.
Having said that, this whole process is not cut and dry. It's not simple. It's not one size fits all. You have to find your own way through this crisis. And your path will look different from everyone else's path. when you're reading on the forum you will find some similarities here and there in other people's stories but your is unique to you. So sometimes you will feel very alone.. and that's okay because it will pass. Everything passes.
Just let yourself feel... knowing that the pain you're feeling in this moment will end. It all seems so overwhelming when you look at the entire thing at once. OMG she's gone and I'm a single parent and I'm taking care of the house and the dogs and I've gone back to work full time and OMG she's gone. You will be flooded with emotions and panic and every other fear based feeling. you have to try your best to just be in that moment with those yucky feelings and feel them fully and then let them pass.
That's when you discover that every time that happens... every time you feel so broken inside that you can't even breath... it somehow passes and you are a little bit stronger than you were before that moment. It happens just like that over and over and the yucky times get shorter and shorter and they happen less often and there are longer times between them and each time you recover faster from the pain.
It's still going to happen. just when you think there could not be one more thing that could bring you to your knees something happens and triggers you and you buckle. But it's happened so much that you know even when you're in the middle of the pain that it won't last long and you'll be better for it on the other side. It was a strange realization when I started having that "knowing" even while I was in such a painful place. but I knew that it would pass and when that moment was over I would have new life in me.
Just like all the people here I've found strength I never in a million years thought I had. I like myself again. I love myself. I'm proud of myself. I know who I am and why I'm standing. I know my W is not herself and will wake from this dark place she's in. I would say those words in the beginning but now I know them to be true in my core.
It just takes time. Each cycle you go through is one step closer to a stronger more confident you. Each one gets you a little more detached each time. And you're going to think you've finally made it to complete detachment and then something else will happen and it will make you feel like you haven't detached at all. It's not called a roller coaster ride for nothing.
My point in all this is to help you understand that you're going to doubt yourself over and over. But when you do you need to give yourself a break and know that you are getting stronger. There's no set pace or right speed. And just because you know you should be doing something doesn't mean you're at a stage where you can yet. Just be with yourself through all the pain and all the joy and you'll wake up one day and feel so strong and you'll be amazed at how you came so far.
The trick is all the little moments. Moment by moment.
It's very hard to do but don't worry about what other people think. They will not understand what's truly going on. they will not have read what you've read. They are not living what you're living. Most people don't get it. Most people advise you to "move on" because they don't know any better. And they just want you to stop hurting and our society notoriously thinks that's the fastest way to do that is to go be with someone else or to get revenge or all kinds of other crazy things. Most of them don't mean any harm they just don't know what you know. So, be careful who you confide in.
Ask your angels for help. even if all you can get out in the moment is "help me" just say it. And miraculously a wave of peace will wash over you or a thought will come into your head from out of nowhere that will give you an ounce of relief. and in that moment that's all you need... a glimmer of hope.
I am taking care of myself and moving on with my life in all areas that don't involve a romantic relationship. As far as I'm concerned I'm still married. but I had a lot of my own work to do. Inside myself and outside myself. My career, my finances, my dreams. they all needed attention. and right now I can give them attention that I wouldn't have had if my W weren't out of the house.
I'm still going to therapy even though I don't really HAVE to be going. I just love it so much. It's like it helps me grow and learn at an exponential rate. It's the same path I would have been on anyway but now it's faster travel.
Okay, I'm done ranting. I just want you to know that there's no right or wrong way. there are things you can do to make things harder or easier but there's no right or wrong. Just find your path and your rhythm, live through each moment as it comes knowing it will pass, and before you know it you'll be two years out from BD and you'll be stronger and wiser and amazed at yourself.
{{Hugs}}
Covert Depression and why they run
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