[in it]

Have you read anything about narcissistic abuse or narcissistic personality disorder? This fit my situation to a T.

They are UNABLE to feel compassion or empathy for other people and look at other people as feed for their egos.

The realization that that's what I dealt with was shocking to say the least. I did it for 32 years.

The good news is you can heal from this. But to do it right? It takes TIME. And a lot of hard work on YOURSELF.

Once it's identified you know what you are dealing with.

[Strongwind]

The reality of the issue of porn., this history with women, his fathers history with women and how that may play into his experience, his deceit etc etc. Is this purely MLC behaviour.

If it isn't MLC - and it is something more - how can I live with myself knowing that I have exposed a person like this to myself and, most importantly, my D.

It depends on your history when you were together. It's hard to go through this and not have doubts. Is it MLC? Is he a serial cheater..a narcissist?  Is he just like his dad? How can the decent man I knew act this way now? He must have always been this way?

MLC doesn't make sense. We can't reconcile who we knew and the person that we see while in MLC. If he wasn't in MLC what would happen? The same as if he is in MLC. Acceptance, that whatever the reason for him acting this way, we must go on and deal with this new challenge life has handed us. None of us really want to be here. We all have felt this way.
I was reading all I could my hands on about narcissism and found a lot of similarity to my H but it didn't matter because I could not make sense of the difference between the man I knew, kind, loving, devoted and sweet, to the man I see now, He acts as a narcissist, hurtful uncaring cruel, no remorse for how he hurts me. How can this be??? This is MLC.

I still have doubts at times and sometimes it's easier to think he has always been a jerk and a cheater. The shock of discovering this new creature in my H who I can't make out defies my better judgment. Either he is crazy or I am. I choose to believe that he is...

These are all steps you must go through. It's tough. Try to stay close to God, develop your relationship with God and put the rest in His hands. ShineOn's post was right on. This crisis can make us better men or women. We just need to take it a moment at a time. You're not alone Bellagio. (((hugs))) SW

[bellagio88]

Thank you both - yes - I have spoken with my counsellor this morning and teased out these ideas further with him which was very useful I must say.
I am trying to sit quietly with myself and God and find some calm amidst the turbulence - no matter what caused this.
Feel very subdued and a bit in shock that I haven't fully ingested what the alternatives COULD be here.
I know that I have broached the subject of PD here before - I guess I swung towards MLC at that point. Perhaps, as you say Strongwind - there are overlaps.
I suspect that in my case - with WAPS history before he met me - that there are very deep seated issues which need to be teased out.
Our history together - well - I am clear about what I THOUGHT it meant and was. It is very destabilising to think that what you thought was reality may have been a big fat lie and a hoax...
I think that is what i am struggling with today....
x

[bellagio88]

It is hard to ignore the fact that they COULD be, quite simply, a jerk and a cheater Strongwind.
My counsellor said something to me today - "Why are you searching for understanding and answers when  it could, quite simply, be a case of that he has treated you and your D APPALLINGLY and he is an a**h**e"
That sure got my attention
Trying to stay centred within all of this
x

[in it]

EXACTLY- if the COUNSLER made this observation I'd tend to agree with him. He's an @$$hole so NOW focus on you and your D! Be HAPPY you are free of him.

[bellagio88]

 
thanks Init...
x

[in it]

NOW you need to do the work on yourself and make SURE you never attract another one of those OK? Screw trying to figure out what's wrong with HIM.

What attracts these types of people to you OR why are you attracted to them?

[bellagio88]

Yes init - I ma trying to make sense of this - its hard and a slow process (I am sure you are all worn out by now!)
I am not sure what has attracted me to them (vice versa). I haven't thought about it that way.
All I know is that the pain I have gone through over the last 6 weeks I will NEVER EVER go through again.
This has been more painful than my divorce and that is really saying something.
I wonder whether you come to a point - MLC/ PD or not - and you just think regardless of the behaviour and what is behind it I cant accept it. For my well being (and your children's) I cannot find ANYTHING to recommend this.
Maybe I am hitting this stage....
The way he has treated us is literally barbaric on a human level - I need to respect my D and I more and look at it for what it is..
Maybe I am starting to get angry?
x

[in it]

Oh I know how barbaric it is- I was kicked out of the house with no place to go-that's traumatic enough.. NO ONE will ever hurt me like this again either.

 Sub human treatment is more like it.

If you're at the anger stage?you'll get through this with flying colors took me a long time to get to that stage for some reason. I guess I was too understanding and compassionate of the problem for too long. Everyone just thought I'd take more disrespect.

Yep- get angry BUT look to you and figure out how you got you (and your D)  into this and don't do it again!

[Strongwind]

Yep- get angry BUT look to you and figure out how you got you (and your D)  into this and don't do it again!

We all know first hand how painful this is and yes anger is a stage we all go through. However, the only way to really get through this is by forgiving our partners. We don't condone it but forgive. It took me a while to understand this concept and still have difficulty with this.

I'm wondering? How does one not let this happen again? If one is living with a spouse or partner who is supportive, kind and caring for the most part and then he just goes nuts and is mentally abusive, breaks our heart by cheating and acts as someone we don't recognize. How is that our doing?  How do you make sure you don't let that happen again? Do you stop trusting? Do you assume that everybody could do the same?

we can't control how another decides and behaves. I'm sure you wouldn't have been with your partner had he been like this from the very beginning or throughout your relationship?...Maybe I'm wrong but I know that when I married my H I didn't see many red flags for many years. Our communication skills sucked but other than that I didn't see traces of what he has now become. If you read RCA's articles you could see that this is script for MLCer.

That said, it doesn't mean you don't protect yourself and you don't have boundaries. NC is mostly for you because it allows you to heal without the added stress of having to deal with their destructive behavior. I'm still working on forgiving my H for what he did. Do I feel angry? Yes... but I know that the anger and bitterness only hurts me. All I can do is pray and give it to God . Ask him to help me forgive and heal.

I'll end this with my favorite scripture

Isaiah 26:3


3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

(He, God, will keep you, Bellaggio,in perfect peace because your mind his holding on to Him and His Word: because you trust in Him).
 

Take care of your and D's heart and needs. Let God take care of the rest. (((hugs))) SW