[DillyDollyDaydream]

Bellagio, I'm sorry you are hurting.

That bewildering feeling, that exquisite pain that you can only know when the person you love becomes so cold and callous; the feeling of confusion and betrayal that the person who you believed loved you and would always help protect you from pain and be your comfort is now the cause of the worst pain you have ever experienced is something I will never forget.  Although I will say it's become like childbirth - I remember it was the worst pain ever but I can't replicate the exact pain inside now.

All I could do in the early days (heck its still quite early days) was focus on THIS moment.  Sometimes I would say out loud "breathe" and "you are ok".  Just to try and self-soothe myself through the upcoming minutes.

Take care of yourself and your daughter.

[CallanG]

Yep and how do you feel about that now callanG?

Send no mixed messages- your email was perfect Bellagio-

((((HUGS))))

It stung at the time a lot at the time , now I see it as some kind of projection .

[in it]

Exactly- you are the target but you hold up a mirror and it returns to them.
 The negative energy needs to be reflected so they understand what respect is.

He has no respect or feelings for HIMSELF.

You purge it in tears and pain- not to them..they may enjoy the power they have to make you react with tears.

[SSG]

I feel; as if he is negated any of our history. There is no mention of our time together - totally and UTTERLY emotionally removed.
I cant say this is monster but it feels just as cruel.
And NO MENTION of D12 which is heart breaking...
x
I am so appreciative of your he[p everyone - from this afternoon here I will have done my job removing our life from his. And I will then probably fall flat. I have been holding strong for weeks to get to this point.
The reminder that it IS MLC and Cov/Dep helps me through somehow....

B88
I am far from an expert on this forum just joining end of last summer.  And like you, everyone telling me to GAL, detach...it is so, so hard in the first few weeks and months!  I cried for 6 straight months, never thought a person could cry so much.  He only saw me break down once, and all the other times I did it privately.  It gives them power in the early days and weeks to see you break down.

It is amazing how cold they instantly become to us and it not only confuses us but it is scary as well.  It is hard to put that aside and own it up to their crisis, because we tend to take it so personally.  It has been 7 months since BD for me, and nearly 2 years that my H and OW are having the affair.  JUST NOW...I am starting to see some humility from him.  We are selling our house, and I still live here, so there is no chance of NC, which would have helped me.

I have had a chance just recently to inject a few truth darts about OW....and I am starting to see a little doubt in his thinking.  But they are together nearly 2 years....It Takes Time.   Hard to believe when your world is crumbling around you, weeks and weeks of sleepless nights, lying there in the dark and picturing H and OW cuddling in her bed.
It is hard and I am not sure when it will not bother me anymore.

He has no respect for himself, therefore none for you or D either.  At the moment he respects nothing, not even OW.

Read, read and read more of everything on this forum...it helps.  There were weeks at a time, I did not, and sitting here with my own thoughts about H, his MLC and OW...it can destroy you.  Then I would log on and re-read stuff and it pulled me through in a heartbeat.

I have learned the coldness and lack of empathy towards you is actually what he feels for himself.  You are a mirror...when he looks at you he sees himself.  As hard as it is, don't take it personally.  It took me awhile to get this into my head.  I am sitting in a foreign country, my close support system is across the ocean, and H moved to another country.  So it was doubly hard for me in many ways.

And though BD was June 2013, I see signs that make me feel positive about the future.  I am finally getting over the severe depression that the MLC throws you into to, finally seeing a way to a better life, whether it involves him or not.  I, like many here, want reconciliation with our WS.  I hope it comes.  I told H that in one of our few conversations when he was actually listening.  But I also told him I am not waiting for him, and I won't wait forever. 
He is 63 (six years older than me)...I told him I don't want a 70 year old man dragging himself across the ocean after living on a CZ farm.  He laughed at that statement and I think now, he is starting to see the reality of it.

I am finally learning to move on.  I still love him as I understand what he did and why it all happened now. But I am still moving on.

You will too.  And you need those crying spells, it helps.  (Wreaks havoc on the eyes but helps the soul). 
It will help you deal with the life you just got thrown into and will eventually pull you out of it.

Hugs
SGS

[bestfriends]

I think for my H (and maybe most), MLC happened earlier because we have a teenage son (who we had early in our marriage at ages 20/21).  Teenage son got a GF and we were talking about job opportunities after school and such.  I think this brings up a great desire for H to have experienced the life he wished he would have had or make him wonder what could have been.  Also, I had a male neighbor friend who I talked to and talked about who I seemed to have more in common with than H.  I had no idea when I met the family that he was the stay-at-home dad and the wife worked.  H was working long hours and finances were in trouble despite me working PT too and making good money. 

I was reading this article last week http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wait-but-why/generation-y-unhappy_b_3930620.html which I think is a great explanation as to why maybe my H is disappointed/depressed/unhappy.  H had OW during MLC which OW is gone but MLC is still around, but I am hoping to help him financially (we are in a BIG rut now since the affair), so that he can pursue, instead of OW (plural!), hobbies or something that will get him out of the daily grind.  Unfortunately the PT job I had is not working out anymore because of the economy, but I am pursuing other things.  Our situation is also different in that I have a son with a disability at home who homeschools and is doing well in that situation.

[bellagio88]

Thanks so much everyone - I am intending to spend this evening responding properly to what everyone has said - it will be a great comfort to fully reflect on things..
I have just got back from WAPS house. I have moved. Every item that I or my D12 own is now gone from that space.
He has begun to tidy up and replace the space with his own things.
It was interesting in that a friend of mine came to help me pack. She saw the house as I finally saw it - instead of a home it was a house of emptiness - a shell of a house. No warmth, no love, no children, empty rooms - that is what WAP is walking back into right now.
Maybe I am in denial but In cannot believe that he would not feel anything about this emptiness in a him e that we have shared for years.
His email is cold but I dont buy it.
I have to run to my friends house as she has loaned me some crockery in the interim and I am returning it but will post in a little while - will have time to really reflect on your great advice and comfort.
Thanks everyone
B x

[bellagio88]

Have done the grocery shopping. visited my friend and tried to tidy up after a very big day.
It still isnt quite hotting me that we are OUT. We now have no tangible ties with that property anymore.
Struggling tonight but not crying - numb to the core. I want to hug my little girl and try to make sense of where we go from here.
Nearly four weeks in and I have achieved so much- a huge amount in practical terms - but i have shelved the full impact of this emotionally (ESPECIALLY discovery of OW on Wednesday).
I think it is now hitting me....
Trying so hard to be strong - really trying hard to hold it together but our lives feel in complete tatters..
As someone said earlier - the person we trusted with our heart, trusted with our safety and well being could do this - be this removed - hard of heart - cold - indifferent...
I am struggling to understand that they deep down dont feel anything.....guilt, remorse, sadness (interesting - all the things he accused ME of not feeling at BD??)?
Maybe I am not GETTING the early stages of REPLAY quite yet. My head is spinning and I am probably not making a lot of sense....
B x

[bellagio88]

Hi all,
Have just woken up and had an immediate feeling of sadness but then - interestingly - a form of relief.
Relief that I now dont have to go through the pain of going into WAPs house anymore (I left our keys on his kitchen table).
Relief tHAt I havent got CONSTANT triggers about things that have happened there...
Relief that as D and I unpack our things we are creating some stability and control in our lives which is good for us.

Also - in a funny way - having moved like this - and so swiftly and efficiently - is NOW giving WAP the TRUE chance to have space and go through this tunnel on his own terms without interference from me.
I was thinking about this this morning. Is this part of the letting go process. Letting them twist in the wind and journey through the REPLAY without allowing ourselves any full impact of what plays out.
I feel as if I want to use the time now to be the BEST I can be - I want to read, sleep, work, exercise and be a great MUM (foremostly) - the hardest thing is that he wont see any of it. He wont see any changes. I know the changes have to be myself but I just wish he could at some stage see the worth of the people that we truly are. If there is no contact in the future (I suspect there may not be as there is no obvious reason - no shared children etc) then is there any hope?
I have read somewhere here that by GAL the WAP somehow, somewhere, makes contact and will see the changes......
B x

[bellagio88]

As I am unpacking here I realise something...
My WAP and I are no longer connected by anything except our shared history.
We have no shared belongings - completely separate houses and finances. No shared children. Mutual friends but not ones that I would meet in a social situation.
I feel our connection is severed. How can people be deleted in less than a month???
So how do we Pave the Way - how do we stand for something where there isn't any potential contact, thought, care and interest...
Maybe its all been too much and too soon for me to get some insight into this.
Is there any particular article or thread that would help???
Thank you BX

[in it]

What you need to try to wrap your brain around is they were way down the road before this happened; maybe not really ever connected to begin with.

Work on yourself.

If you need to think about how the relationship got started to begin with. You may have saw the red flags but simply ignored them.

SEE the mistakes you made then- and try not to make them again.

I can relate to your relief that it's over.

MAKE real changes for you. Don't worry about him. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him or have kids with him.

(((((HUGS)))))