[bellagio88]

Thanks Init - I really appreciate your support - everyone here has been second to none to be honest.
I do understand what you are saying and as each minute goes by I have a dawning realisation that this is my chance to grow into the new and better version of me for my life and D.
I have thought a lot about when we met and there were, potentially, some behavioural things to note. However WAP seemed to "clear the decks" (as his best friend pit it at the time) - in a way he had NEVER done before in the last 35 years. I know the truth about our relationship and he was devoted to myself and D12. I have no doubt about that whatsoever. He wanted myself and D in his house - he wanted the home environment.
That said I can clearly trace the beginning of covert depression about 15 months ago to bomb drop. I am convinced that this is what has happened....
So - that said - maybe it is too soon to think about standing or not but my suspicion is yes, I should. Why? Because his behaviour over the last 4 weeks since BD belies the person that I knew......
So that is where I am confused.....perhaps it is merely time that informs us whether we choose to stand or not...
B x

[in it]

I guess- but do the work on you. Make a home for yourself and D12 and don't worry about him.

Take a look at you and find out if your self worth is coming from these men you pick.

[bellagio88]

Yes, ok Init..... I know. Make the best life I can for myself and D. I can do it.
Before I met WAP I was a single mother for three years so I am going to remind myself of that time - if only because I did what needed to be done every day by myself and I had my dignity and integrity intact.
That's an important reminder for me at the moment .
B x

[in it]

EXACTLY- and try to think of your D also- try not to drag her through another relationship.

Leave anyone else out of her life for a while. She's probably had her heart broken also. If you want to date? Go right ahead just don't let anyone else meet her unless it becomes SERIOUS. And that's going to take TIME.

Find someone you can trust to stay with her- overnight if you have to. NOBODY at YOUR house.

ENOUGH- get off the roller coaster merry-go -round for a span of time.

[bellagio88]

Thank Init - I appreciate your input....
I am having a quiet time with with D in our apartment - resting, tidying up, thinking, reading...
I have to say dating is the last thing I am thinking of doing. I am still in love with WAP - (it doesn't go as quickly as events can transpire in life does it?).
So my task is to decide, down the line, whether to stand or not..
In the meantime I am trying to, as you say, look after me and D and read read read as much as I can here..
Thank you all for your support over what has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life..
B x

[Strongwind]

I know it must be difficult with children but trust me they also give you so much reason to stay strong and move forward too. You're handling this very well BellaGio88. Sorry for misspelling your display name. Know that that you're not alone and enjoy the time with yourself and your D... (((hugs))) SW

[bellagio88]

Thank you so much Strongwind - I must say that I am feeling a little less panicky tonight - it has helped getting our little place in order and not living out of boxes.
My D12 is very relaxed here which is very good.
Have just spoken with my Mum on Skype (she is in Oz) so that was also a tonic.
I am starting top realise that small things mean so very very much in these situations.
Thanks you for your vote of confidence that I am coping well - I am not so sure about that@!! But I am really trying to turn a corner - I want to feel more empowered and less run by my emotions, especially about the OW etc.
It is very much a case of up and down for the LBS at the beginning isnt it???
B x

[kikki]

Hi Bellagio
Really glad to hear you and your D are both settling into your new safe place.

I've been wondering how to put this gently, but I'm not sure that there's a gentle way of saying this.

his behaviour over the last 4 weeks since BD belies the person that I knew......

You've said that you knew your H for two and a half years, have been living together for two years, and you noticed big changes in him about a year after you met.

You've also said that he has a history of short relationships and quickly moving onto new women. 

Because of this and his family of origin issues, you and his brother have wondered if he has NPD.  Or whether this is a crisis, or whether this is NPD plus a crisis.

From the timeline, it looks like the infatuation chemicals with you kept him functioning on a high for the first year and then started to wear off. 
Despite what his friend says anecdotally about things being different with you, your H has a long history of this relationship patterning.

I'm sorry, I know how much this hurts, but if we don't look at our own roles in these relationships, we will continue to drag ourselves and worse, our children into situations that they are best kept well away from. 

You have done amazingly well to get yourself set up in your new flat, and to have organised moving all of your things from his home.  Keep going, and keep concentrating on you and your D, and good things will be ahead of you, whichever way this situation turns out.
Take care

[forthetrees]

You must be exhausted. Make this new place a cozy nest and spread your personal touches throughout. You will find it to be your sacred space. This experience is a shock to the mind, body and soul- takes so long to digest and while we heal while digesting, the healing seems to be endless. Turn the energy on you and leave him to figure out what he´s done, what he´s lost and what he needs to fix. He may very well need to run through another relationship to realize what he gave up. He may also just continue a path of lust-infatuation-love-loss.  Those are the people afraid of the deep love that grows as the passion cools to a long lasting glow. Maybe he´ll resolve long standing issues and maybe you´ll find someone who is not afraid of that deep love. For the sake of your sanity, please check out baggagereclaim.com, the author is so insightful and gives it to ya straight. You come away with a stronger sense of self and worth.

Take care,
fTT

[bellagio88]

Thank you all for your input - care - support - wisdom .......
I am computing all of the advice that has been given and I will get back to points etc....I am a bit like that - need time to ruminate on things!!!
I bought the ebook version of Broken Heart on Hold today by Lina Rook.
WOW!!!!
I have read about half and something inside of me has shifted today - I wanted to share...

One thing that I havent really addressed here so far is my faith. I am a Catholic and became one late in my life - only about 3 years ago. I went through a very intensive theological process to assess (self) whether that is what i truly wanted.
I would like to think that whilst being a Christian I am fundamentally a humanist and I support all faiths - I truly think we can learn the best elements of each faith and grow from each others experiences.
For some reason God hasnt been at the forefront of my thinking - until today and reading this book has reminded me of a few things.
About a month before BD, WAP was away working, I woke up one morning and I felt very very odd.
It was as if God has visited me and spoken to em and held his hand on my heart (I know this may sound a bit odd!!)
I have never had this happen before. But I can remember waking up with the sense that my heart was at peace. It was at a time when WAP was veery distant and I was confused and worried - I did not know how to reach him.
I had forgotten about this until today...
I was also unpacking a lot of my books last night and I found 5 small handbooks on prayers and readings from the Bible that I had not seen since I lived in Ireland......I had forgotten I had them.....
Reading Rooks book has made me feel very differently somehow today. Not so distressed, not so panicky.....
Its started to remind me about my own life and my relationship with God - may be this is all part of the journey and I am only just realising???
MM - not sure whether I am explaining myself very well - but I am in a much calmer and settled space which is good for me and good for D.
In a sense it has helped me to let go and let god and trust in the process...
Hope this makes sense???
B x