[bellagio88]

Hi everyone
I am interested in hearing about peoples experiences and comments about the nature and role of covert depression ( male in my case) and what causes them to ultimately leave in the hope of a new and better life.
My WAP was building depression got about 13 months before BD , with a mini BD dec 2012.
In his BD email / speech he said he is depressed. (But blames me for it)
Any thoughts?
Thank you
B x

[brokenhearted]

There are many informative articles to read here. In addition, before I found this site, I spent a lot of time on the site "The Storied Mind". I think you would find it an interesting site as it explains in detail, the link between depression and the "urge to leave."

I found so much info there, that I used to copy pages of it and give it to my MLC partner to read. It didn't "wake" him up, but was very interesting to read.

Basically I think the depression causes such pain that they just want to feel better and reach out to whatever they think will take away the pain, or  the numbness they are experiencing.  Could be drugs, alcohol, gambling. For many of us, it was the OM or OW, they turned to.

 To the MLCer of course, we are the cause of their misery....if they could just get away from us, life would be so much better....or so they believe. Not true of course, but they have a long way to go before they will realize we are not the cause of their Misery.

Others will be along with more info for you.

[bellagio88]

Thanks so much for the post. It's been really helpful and I will definitely look at the site you mentioned as well as look at the resources.
It thought it may be useful to outline WAP depression timeline / potential causes etc as far as I can see it.

Potential causes-
- elderly father - history of a difficult relationship with him. Father tried to commit suicide October 2013.
- possibly age (WAP is 62) and fear of getting older .
- he is involved in the performing arts and was looking at 2014 With no booked professional work at the end of last year. He was dropped from a show I October for being too old - the director wanted someone younger looking.
- unresolved childhood issues

Covert depression - his symptoms
- over 14 months became more and more emotionally detached and withdrawn and irritable.
Could not explain why and refused to talk about it - whenever I tried he blamed me . We had a few times where it came to a head and it was always his blame of me kamikazeing the relationship but never letting anything drop.
- Kept going on about not being relaxed at home in our company. Finding excuses over the year to be away for work / not joining in with social activities and holidays.
- complaint of back ache and shoulder ache and having a few turns close to the end of 2013 / not remembering where he was or why he had done something. - feeling very giddy etc .
- use of online porn and a defiance when I found out / anger and shame and embarrassment but told me that no one was going to tell him how he could live his life.
- lack of housework and cleaning up after himself .
- interest in new diets - raw juice etc - buying walking books.
- accepting more and more work that took him away from home for long periods - and I is involvinv him staying on friends couches/ spare rooms or even travelling through the night in his car.
- leaving old food in his car...

BD came New Year's Eve. - all of the above was building up and he was complaining over the Xmas period of being very tired.

The more I look at these above the more I think it has been brought on by depression in my WAPs case .
The hard thing I am grappling with is not they but after they run the determination to have no contact. Is it shame/ guilt it just, as you say, the defiant belief that they want a new life and you are the reason for getting out.

I also believe that if WAP only told me 3 weeks ago that he is depressed there is no way he can be over it. - regardless if how relieved and happy he may be
B x

[DillyDollyDaydream]

At BD my H didn't acknowledge he was depressed - everything that was wrong was down to me and the marriage.  Since he has acknowledged he may have some symptoms but so far as I know hasn't seen anyone about it.

He also reported feeling happy and relieved after leaving and I don't doubt it.  He looked so uncomfortable in the last couple of weeks he remained at home to the point you could almost call it distress.

I think the responsibilities of home on top of work was too much at that time and his compulsion to run from it was highly evident.  I think it's going to take a good while longer (3 months ish so far) for him to sort it out for himself.  I am seeing signs of improvement but he is still getting a buzz from hanging around with a younger group of men.  Last night he was telling me about their drinking competitions and how one of them wired up his privates to a TENS machine.   (He's a 46 yo, father of 4 and company director just in case you thought I might have suddenly got confused with my 20 yo son)

I have read some interesting articles about depression - have you searched for Terence Real and Dr Joseph Carver?  I think there are some links to articles from them somewhere on these boards.  Sorry I'm new and still finding my way around. 

[bellagio88]

Just wanted to update here re the ongoing issue of depression . Could really do with some insight, thoughts etc
Have just come back from WAPs house - have started to move my things out .
Have been thinking/assuming that he is in a depression as he admitted it at BD.
WAP is popping optimum nutrition pills - they were laying all over his desk . Is now using his rowing machine , raw juicing and is looking to go on a yoga retreat in about a weeks time. ) he has never done yoga )Also looking to go in a two week trip to Berlin for an intensive German language course.
However his kitchen was an absolute pigsty with rotten food and dirty stove top etc .
Any thoughts about whether it's is still part of covert depression/ replay or whether he is just happy and moving on?
B x

[calamity]

Basically I think the depression causes such pain that they just want to feel better and reach out to whatever they think will take away the pain, or  the numbness they are experiencing.  Could be drugs, alcohol, gambling. For many of us, it was the OM or OW, they turned to.

This is pretty much how I understand it.  See ref. below my signature:  Terrence Real; I don't want to talk about it.

[Anjae]

Is now using his rowing machine , raw juicing and is looking to go on a yoga retreat in about a weeks time. ) he has never done yoga )Also looking to go in a two week trip to Berlin for an intensive German language course.
However his kitchen was an absolute pigsty with rotten food and dirty stove top etc .
Any thoughts about whether it's is still part of covert depression/ replay or whether he is just happy and moving on?

I think you already know the answer to your question.  Happy and moving on with a pigsty kitchen, rotten food and dirty stove top... Hmmmm.... think not. Replay for him it is.

[Searching4Answers]

Basically I think the depression causes such pain that they just want to feel better and reach out to whatever they think will take away the pain, or  the numbness they are experiencing.  Could be drugs, alcohol, gambling. For many of us, it was the OM or OW, they turned to.

This is pretty much how I understand it.  See ref. below my signature:  Terrence Real; I don't want to talk about it.

I have been reading Terrence Real on and off; it is very powerful. I can only read it in small portions. I usually ending up crying, the pain is so real.

[Sadmoose]

My H wants to run soon, BD was just last week. He is so depressed, counselor even says so. He fights us both, saying the situation is causing his depression, not the depression causing the situation. And won't get tested for testosterone issues or any medical reason. Would your H go for a checkup since he is becoming more health conscious? My H refuses even though he is at the gym all the time nw and rapidly losing weight through stress ...

Hang in there, we seem to all be in the same boat.
Many hugs ...

[bellagio88]

Hi sad moose. Thanks so much for your message - I am so sorry to hear of your BD, only a week ago ? So very very tough - mine was about three and a half weeks ago - New Year's Eve by email.
In the email from WAP he said  "bf (his best friend) has passed in that you think I am depressed and I have been thinking about it and you are right - I am depressed. And I am depressed because of you and our relationship. Whenever I am anywhere near you it is exacerbates . For my own peace of mind I have to end this relationship. I want 2014 to be a year of rejuvenation and new beginnings and that means that doors must close. "
He is working out more - rowing and cycling - he is 62 with a bad back and bad knees . He is popping optimum vitamin pills and taking middle eastern remedies/ pastes . Reading books on yoga and meditation. ( he has never been like this before - always a wine and cheese man , although he did play competition squash until his knees packed in)
Should I believe that it is still covert depression ? Is he still running? I suspect so but would really appreciate some feedback.
Re OW as part of this there is a default woman who had been an on off affair partner for almost. 25 years. She has broken up many of his relationships, he was seeing her on/ off when I met him. I have never met her but by all accounts she is depressed and divorced and will not let him go .
Sends birthday cards and Xmas cards saying with love, forever.....
Is this affairing down and also part of covert depression? Is covert depression and replay tied into one or does it change over once in replay ?
Hoping to hear advice / it would really help
Thanks
B x