[bellagio88]

The other common trait of MLC - the blame both prior and post BD of the partner/ spouse.
I have had both.
Pre BD - from about a year before it my WAP was removed, anxious and blaming me for causing tension and problems in our relationship. He was very irritable . He kept saying that I was on a kamikaze mission to ruin what was already fragile. No matter what I did, no matter what behaviour I addressed, no matter what hoops I jumped through it made no difference. He just couldn't be any different / in fact he for progressively worse, more withdrawn etc. there were times when I went to give him a hug and he recoiled - not wanting to have me touch him. When I fakes, hurt, why they was he said that I was showing affection in an insincere way??? Wtf?
Post bd he has accused me of being a woman who is needy, needs a lot of help etc etc. he has accused me of shoring no sadness or remorse or regret or understanding about his Bd? He was passively angry when he found out that I had redirected my mail.
I just don't know what else I could have done. I did my very very best.
I just have to assume this is depression, without that as a reason this is all too hard and I feel like I will go under myself

Bx

[Strongwind]

Hi BellaJo88,
I'm a practictioner of Chinese medicine and I'm reading a lot on depression, hormones and TCM diagnosis. One of the things I realized is that not only did my H say he was depressed but his pulse showed kidney channel deficiency. According to TCM  the Kidneys house the jing (vital essence) which are responsible for hormones balance in western medicine. My H started having palpitations a year prior and was found with arrhythmia. I treated him to strengthen the Ki channel but after BD and finding out of the OW, I thought that his palpitation were due to guilt. Maybe they were but he continued to have them even after leaving me. I don't talk with him now so I don't know what is happening.

I think that there is a lot involved in MLC Bellajo88. Emotions can change our body chemistry and metabolic functions so there are a lot of variable that lead to the blow up in our MLCer. The OW? I don't know what to make of her. She may be like a coping mechanism...just like self medicating...maybe?

I think what bothers most LBS's is that we were so close to these H's or W's and suddenly we know nothing about them. They change completely. Our questions are: How do they feel, are they moving on, do we mean something to them...are they really happier without us? All we can do is speculate but the only way to know is to actually be in their screwed up heads.

My H told a "friend" that this ow made him happy. One of my friends went to his office to talk to him and saw the ow there too. He has gained weight and looks very puffy. His hair is almost all grey and he is only 39. That doesn't appear happy to me. It's so hard to see them destroy themselves and cause so much chaos but, I guess, we have no control over them. We can only keep ourselves well and watch. Take care of you. ((hugs))

[bellagio88]

GOD - ok - now the truth is out
There is another woman. I know her.
She is married with four children.
It's confirmed. After he wrote me the BD email New Year's Eve he has had her in our house. Then - while we were in grief flying back from Australia to the uk he was holed up in a hotel with her for three days.
He has lied to me and to his best friend saying that that weekend he was actually in our home town all weekend helping his son install his kitchen. Instead he was fours hours away with her.
PLEaSE can I get some feedback and support here. I know OW is an expected part of this process but the lying and the deceit has been incredible . She is a singing student of his (mature age) - he has known her for about a year.
I feel DREADFUL
B x

[Strongwind]

Dear Bellajo88,

I'm so sorry you are suffering...I know how this feels. It's so hurtful. The betrayal is absolutely heart wrenching.  I was in disbelief when I found out my H was seeing the alienator while I was studying for my Acupuncture Board exams and that he spent the whole time with her, probably at our home while I was on a trip to take my exam.  He had rehired her to work at his office for months and I didn't know. I was too intent on studying.

He told me he left me because he was sick and needed to heal and that something had snapped in him. He said: Maybe I'll be back in 6 months and if you have someone else...oh well. I spent 3 months knowing nothing about him... where he was and what he was doing. I found out by his old phone which he accidentally left at the house.

There is nothing anyone here can say to make you feel better right now but you can read the articles about an affair down to get some prospective on where the MLCer is at this point in his crisis. Cry is you need to, shout but protect your heart as much as you can. Be around people who love you and pray a lot if you believe. This is the toughest thing I have ever had to go through and it's so heart breaking but keep in mind that they are in a fog. They are escaping the pain....and the OW is just like self medicating. They don't see hear or act as the honorable people we once knew. Take care of you. ((((Big hug))))  SW

[TopsyTurvy]

So sorry Bellajo88, I found out Monday there is OW - I was reading this site all night, in between the blur of the tears...it got me through the night.

I can't say anything to make it better, just that you really are not alone - it's the most painful, sickening time of our lives.

You are so much better than him and her, you are a beautiful person that has been horribly betrayed and you don't deserve this, none of us do.

I really hope you get strength from everyone, I feel your pain, but as someone told me, get through one minute at a time, cry and get it all out, and if you're like me, cry again you will wake up tomorrow - we're so much better than them. 

[bellagio88]

I dont believe this - as if it couldnt get any worse I have just had this email from WAP -

LBS,
 
I am distressed that you seem to have taken some items which belong to me.  Since I had your assurances that you would not do that, I am assuming it was done in error.  However, I would like your assurance that they will be returned tomorrow.  They include:
 
1)  The stainless steel stockpot which was on top of the fridge.
2) Numerous items of cutlery (I had previously separated out all of your cutlery items, which can be found in a bag in D12's old room.) . These include some of the brand new Alessi items I had bought only recently from the supermarket.
3)  The Tresemme shampoo and conditioner bottles that were in the bath.
 
I look forward to your response.

 
WAP

I didnt knowingly take anything. My friend was packing up the kitchen and probably made a sweep of things. I have found the small things and can take them back tomorrow morning.
I am so upset - is this a form of Monster?
I feel so upset - as if it wasnt enough - that I found out about OW today
My god - he is so cold - I am in disbelief -
I REALLY NEED SOME SUPPORT everyone - I am so sorry...

[bellagio88]

I quite simply DO NOT recognise this person.
Is this really MLC?
If so it is starting to frighten me...

[onlyjo]

ok Belaggio88
if you need furthre proof that your h is bat$h!te crazy--there it is!!!!
he's giving you grief over a bottle of shampoo??
whaaaaaaaat?
this is a man whose life is sooooo out of control--who likely knows that you're the glue that's held him together for years and years--who realizes at some level that YOU are the stability in his life--he's trying to feel like he's in control of SOMETHING and it's the shampoo.  he's in control of the shampoo.  i am sure that will make him feel better.

my one piece of advice to you is--DON'T TAKE THIS $h!te PERSONALLY.  that's what it is really--spewed $h!te, because they need to feel IN CONTROL of something.  i'm 2+ years into this, and no expert, but am still dealing with h who is so out of control of his own life that he feels the need to try to control mine (which is just fine thank you very much) through emails and texts.  it's really insane. 

ok, so i lied--here's another piece of advice--GET OFF YOUR H'S CRAZY TRAIN.  i know, it's easier said than done.  detach yourself from this person who used to be your h.  he's not your h right now.  this is a complete stranger who has done these devastating things.  and you're right there in it--i have been there too. it takes a long time to process all this...it's hard and scary.  and it's ALL HIM.  don't believe the things he's telling you--that everything is all your fault.  IT'S NOT!  repeat this to yourself:  this is not my fault, this is not my fault. 

in any relationship, there are tensions.  i finally got myself to the point where i was able to articulate to h that i accepted my responsibliity for what was wrong with our relationship, which i took steps to work on.  h just took off with OW. 

yes, it's bad.  yes, it's hard.  and you have a choice. you can choose to look back, or you can choose to look forward...there's really a lot to look forward to--probably doesn't seem like that to you right now...and it's hard to hear that, i know.  take one day at a time, then the next, then the next.  read threads on this forum.  there's always someone to help.
take care of yourself!!!!!
onlyjo

[1Cor.13]

ok Belaggio88
if you need furthre proof that your h is bat$hit crazy--there it is!!!!
he's giving you grief over a bottle of shampoo??
whaaaaaaaat?
this is a man whose life is sooooo out of control--who likely knows that you're the glue that's held him together for years and years--who realizes at some level that YOU are the stability in his life--he's trying to feel like he's in control of SOMETHING and it's the shampoo.  he's in control of the shampoo.  i am sure that will make him feel better.

my one piece of advice to you is--DON'T TAKE THIS $hit PERSONALLY.  that's what it is really--spewed $hit, because they need to feel IN CONTROL of something.  i'm 2+ years into this, and no expert, but am still dealing with h who is so out of control of his own life that he feels the need to try to control mine (which is just fine thank you very much) through emails and texts.  it's really insane. 

ok, so i lied--here's another piece of advice--GET OFF YOUR H'S CRAZY TRAIN.  i know, it's easier said than done.  detach yourself from this person who used to be your h.  he's not your h right now.  this is a complete stranger who has done these devastating things.  and you're right there in it--i have been there too. it takes a long time to process all this...it's hard and scary.  and it's ALL HIM.  don't believe the things he's telling you--that everything is all your fault.  IT'S NOT!  repeat this to yourself:  this is not my fault, this is not my fault. 

in any relationship, there are tensions.  i finally got myself to the point where i was able to articulate to h that i accepted my responsibliity for what was wrong with our relationship, which i took steps to work on.  h just took off with OW. 

yes, it's bad.  yes, it's hard.  and you have a choice. you can choose to look back, or you can choose to look forward...there's really a lot to look forward to--probably doesn't seem like that to you right now...and it's hard to hear that, i know.  take one day at a time, then the next, then the next.  read threads on this forum.  there's always someone to help.
take care of yourself!!!!!
onlyjo

----------------------------

Here here!!! Excellent, I could not have said it better myself, am into 2.5 years and Monster still raises it's ugly head even though he moved out a month after BD. Think about this: Cheating is a HUGE control issue, because had they been truthful with us about their feelings prior to commiting adultery, we would have then had a choice about what we wanted to do..My H would show up at MY home months after he left and order our D to let him in the garage so that he could take things that didn't belong to him..I had to put a stop to that and I changed the locks/he knocked it off after that...Honestly, I truly don't know him anymore either..gained 40 lbs and looks terrible, but hey, he's "happy" and tells our D17 that he would"never come back" I never asked him to come back..   They need our prayers and let God have them for this season!
----------------------------
Be Blessed
1Cor13

[UKStander]

there were times when I went to give him a hug and he recoiled - not wanting to have me touch him. When I fakes, hurt, why they was he said that I was showing affection in an insincere way??? Wtf?
Post bd he has accused me of being a woman who is needy, needs a lot of help etc etc. he has accused me of shoring no sadness or remorse or regret or understanding about his Bd? He was passively angry when he found out that I had redirected my mail.
I just don't know what else I could have done. I did my very very best.
I just have to assume this is depression, without that as a reason this is all too hard and I feel like I will go under myself

Belaggio88,

Hi there. Having read your posts I have to say - it's mid-life crisis, without a shadow of a doubt, and yes, your WAP is experiencing covert depression.  Covert depression is much harder to understand and deal with than the overt type - or I think so, anyway. Because it's disguised. It's self-medicated - yes, often by an OP or some other drug be it alcohol, porn, gambling or whatever other high.  Terrence Real's book is great for understanding it.  Alice Miller's The Truth Will Set You Free goes perhaps even further into the root causes and why there is a ball of pain inside these people  - pain often shows itself as anger (if you read and find almost any good book on Anger, you'll get to understand this bit.) 

Why they run, why they hurt is because they know that we, as the most important people in their life, have the power to hurt them. And they don't have the strength to survive that when the inner stuff (VERY often issues from childhood) is eating at them. 

IT IS NOT ABOUT  YOU.  This you must believe and inscribe somewhere you can see and read it every day. It really isn't anything to do with you. In fact, if it helps you, the fact you're the one who's getting the rap means you're the one they love, OK?

Read all the articles on the home page here about the stages of the 'crisis' (the Chinese call it opportunity!) to understand what may happen down the line. But it all takes time. It all takes you being strong, which means you must nurture you, protect you, seek out the things that make you feel good, even if, to start with, they are tiny things.

Yes, your WAP has depression.  Of the covert variety. And he's currently 'on the run'.   As that phrase suggests, it cannot be run from forever. But some run for a long time before they hit the buffers - and get the help they need.