[Slow Fade]

It's NOT a normal breakup!!! People try to make sense of this by stating that the divorce rate is 50% 60% 70% in US because in their own way they want to reassure us with statistics and that this is normal.  Our H or W's change completely...We can't even see a trace of the person we thought we knew for years. It's difficult to come to term with this. It can drive us bonkers.

I agree. Even my H quotes the statistics. Like its perfectly normal to do this. NOT. I try to explain the complete 180 change, but people just cock their heads to the side and try to humor me. Like I'm insane. Or deluded. Or in denial. You name it, I've been called it. The ones on the outside just don't understand......maybe one day they will........

[in it]

Yep- the brain exow told him "Oh-EVERBODY goes through this"

Uhmmm.. no... they don't.

Wow - how they get themselves into such a state as to listen to these predators is beyond belief.

[bellagio88]

Thank yo8 everyone - it is such a RELIEF to know that we are among people who UNDERSTAND.
I know that WAP has expected me to be "adult" and "practical" in terms of this separation.
I am adult and I am practical.
I am also in grief and I DONT RECOGNISE HIM.
When the WAH/W/P drops the bomb THAT is the tell tale sign, let alone anything that comes afterwards - that this is not normal.
My WAP dropped the bomb by email - even more out of reality.....
I have been reading quite a bit about male depression - EVERY book outlines the withdrawal/detachment leading up to BD - the irritability - the OW - the self medication. etc
What I dont understand is why people cant see this more for what it is.
Thats why this site is so important - you only need to look at how many people post here to know that this is happening all around the world - that age, colour, religion etc is NO BARRIER to MLC....that we are all [potentially able to be hit by the trauma...
To be honest just the sheer fact that you are all out there - and I am very very sorry to say - experiencing similar grief - makes this journey bearable.
thank you everyone. Today has been an up and down day..
B x

[in it]

The ex typed me a letter and handed it to me as I woke up from a nap in what once was our bed.

 Then he left- probably to go see her.

[bellagio88]

What!!
That is ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE

They are completely and utterly out of reality.
That is insane.
Did he just hand it to you when you woke up and then walked out?
B x

[in it]

Yep- didn't come back until midnight.

Then he threatened my life to get what he wanted financially.
I left and settled.

[Strongwind]

Yes, hey do that and worse. My husband wanted to send me to Italy> Him and his mom tried to convince to go so that he could BD while I was there with family. I didn't go and he had to find another way to drop the grenade. He asked me to give him some space away from home. (I'm sure it meant with OW). After 4 days he called and said that he had enough space to think and that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

He would cry every time he saw him for really unexplainable things. After our mediation meeting he said that I had just gone to Italy all of it may have not happened. Can anyone make any sense of that? I know that our H's are in a crisis but I believe the OW has a lot to do with them leaving like they do. No, all of this isn't normal at all.

I feel your pain Bellagio. If you can, give it all to God. It's all we can do. Cast your cares upon Him for he cares for you. much love (((hugs))) SW 

[bellagio88]

Strongwind - I am simply AGHAST that your H would have wanted you to go to Italy???
I guess my WAP had the perfect opportunity because I had planned to go to Oz (my grandfather id dying etc)....
I wonder how he would have coped if I had gone - like you?
WAP has apparently told friends and family - after BD - that he BDed me in Oz because he wanted me to "have the support of my family"...
Mmmmmmm -
Found a brilliant quote on the DB website - really interesting.....

"The longing to leave one’s intimate partner brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss. "

And this one......

The reason I post that here is to perhaps point to how depression, as what is believed the underlying condition throughout MLC, may be a factor in the MLCer's drive to fill the void they feel within themselves. Even desperately so, at an aggressive pace. Can anyone say "OP" and "replay"?

Yes, I can say replay and OP...they long to find something that will excite them and make them feel alive. Many of mlcers will state that they feel smothered or will die if they continue to live under the same roof w/us. It's actually the depression talking.

.......notice how they "find" that passion to pursue what they think they want. What they don't seem to realize (the depression coaxing them) is that the passion is coming from within them. They think the passion is coming after the fact, as a result of this new change, new love, new apartment / job / car.

That chemical released in the brain is doing the same thing for them as the alcohol or other drug is doing. Allowing them to avoid the depression. The booze gives them passion and fills the void, or the OP does...

Depression seeks to avoid by reaching out for external stimuli.

The whole "I can't go back there" is them thinking that a metaphor is reality. "There" being their fear of the void of depression. But they relate it to being literally us, or the M, or our old house, or whatever... "There" changes as they loose their current passion for something / someone and the run to the next.

And the depression blocks their ability to see what was, before depression struck. It's a moment in time which is all the history they can focus on. And all their history begins to be re-woven around that specific moment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Would be very interested in hearing peoples thoughts about these.........I know in my heart, soul and mind that this is my WAP. The more I think about the way he was detaching - the spacy looks he was giving me - the disconnect - the irritability - the OW playing into his hands (singing student, adoring etc) - he even said himself that he has felt a "worry" and "pressure" about all of this - that the relationship caused him "great concern"...

Another interesting bit is that I spoke to a good friend last night who knows OW...she said that she has, to the best of her knowledge , always been quite a decent person. She has been unhappily married for some years - 4 children but all pretty much grown up - my friend suspects that WAP has fed her (OW) BS about the actual status of my relationship with him..........certainly not divulged how he dropped the bomb.
OW knew of myself and D - she knew that we all lived together - so she cant be given TOO much sympathy here....
My friend also agreed that there may be more than one OW in WAPs case - and that, in her own words, he is "heading for a fall - he will hit the wall - sooner rather than later....."

B x

[SSG]

 I know that our H's are in a crisis but I believe the OW has a lot to do with them leaving like they do. No, all of this isn't normal at all.

(((hugs))) SW 

I agree with Strongwind, Bellagio.  In my Sitch I read over 7000 FB messages between H and OW the months leading up to BD.   She was mounting massive amounts of pressure on H to move to her house.  "It's time to start bringing your clothes here", "I am tired of waiting, I changed my life for you and I see  no results", "I can't take it anymore, coming home alone to an empty house", "I don't hear any schedule coming from you when you will bring your stuff here"... and on, and on, and on.

In between all of these pressure points, she inserted how he is the man for her, the one she has been looking for all her life, she wants to share all the wonderous things in her country with him, she called him a child    many times, said she raised two already and it is no trouble to start now with a third one.

And I know RCR and many here have said it is H fault...but in my case the OW had her eyes on him for many years, said she had been waiting "for when he was down, was alone".  When his crisis was reaching it's lowest levels, she was there. Her first attempt did not work (acc. to their FB mess.) but the second one hit the jackpot.

She is a predator of the first order.  And she knew our Sitch very well, as she used to be a friend of mine.

Hang in there Bellagio, it is just the beginning for you.  Take care of you first....time for you to become selfish.  It took me 7 months to learn that.

SSG

[bellagio88]

Thanks so much for your5v reply - I have followed your sitch with interest as our WAP/H are around the same age - at first I was unsure whether a 62 man could be in MLC (WAPs age) but I realise age does not come into it with MLC...
In my case WAP and OW have known each other for about a year - she has been having lessons with him for about 8 months......
Its possible that she was sinking her claws in and he was feeling more and more crappy.
by all accounts he has been unhappy in her own marriage.
but lets be honest here - two unhappy people - how can that really work in the long run???
My friend said that, in her opinion, there is NO way that OW would ultimately leave her husband - that she seems to sensible to do that???
More than any of this I know that whatever plans/hopes OW pins on WAP - at the end of the day WAP cannot be AVAILABLE to anyone - he is in the midst of the crisis and will tire of her before he runs to his next "passion" to fill his empty void.
I know how much D and I meant to him. So therefore if he could dispense with us this easily he can do the same to her - once the gloss wears off - possibly when it becomes public and the covert excitement is no longer there...
What do you all think??
Maybe I am just not wanting to think that what they have is "true love"......My view is that he has lied to so many people about the truth of her (including his best friend) - if it were THAT important why would it need to be so secretive?
B x