[kikki]

Yes we can. But, and RCR also says this, forgiving them is not the same as wanting them back/take them back or want to reconcile. Forgiving is for us, not for the MLCer.

Also, it is really complicated to fully forgive everything while things, including new things, keep coming up and are still ongoing.

Agree completely Anjae.  Forgiveness is for us and has nothing to do with the outcome.
And yes - a huge challenge when they keep trying to chop us off at the knees, or so it seems. 

Not sure I believe they hurt more than it hurt us. At least not while they are on Replay. They are too high/numb/depressed to be hurt. And early on (and early on can mean years) we can (will be) pretty hurt.

I think if we look at the big picture - in terms of our/their whole lives - they are doing an enormous amount of damage to themselves.  It might just take them a very long while to realise it.

[Anjae]

I don' know, Kikki. I really don't know about the hurt. Short or long term. To be honest former MLCers I know don't seem to have that much hurt, or to have been throught that much hurt. . It is their LBS who has the hurt.

The MLCer seem to tend to regret what they did, usually because, in the end they end up with someone far worst than the LBS or alone, or because the LBS moved on without them, but hurt is not something tend to notice in former MLCers.

More regret from what they lost, or no longer can have. In a way, it is if the MLCer will always be selfish. They regret what they lost. Or they are glad that the LBS is still willing yo take them back. It always seem to be about them.

[Camero]

I think forgiving the MLCer is a vital part of truly moving on with one's life. It it also essential if the couple wants to reconcile.

[The lighthouse]

I remember HB saying, how a MLCer is behaving hurts them more than it hurts us.
Lee Baucom says something similar, as does RCR. We can't control their choices - the lives they are living currently are a reflection of themselves, not a reflection of us.

I like this and agree wholeheartedly. 

As for forgiveness, I think it's a choice we have to strive toward daily for our own well being.

[Anjae]

My thing with boundaries is that I not certain what message are we sending when we remain married and even take back someone that has clearly violated all our boundaries and as well as marital duties.

We're not talking/dealing with a normal affair but with something that seems to demand (for all those of us that are not divorced) to remain married to a spouse who lives with someone else.

That has always been a big problem for me. Marriage for me does not include a spouse living with someone else no matter what (unless, of course, it was something agreed by both spouses). It is against my values.

So I guess while it was just OW1, with whom Mr J never lived, I was still OK with reconciliation. Years and years of living with OW2 totally trespassed by values and boundaries.

Let alone all the other stuff he had done/is doing.

As for forgiveness, I agree, it is necessary for us to heal and carry on.

[kikki]

You've had years and years of things being under the control of a MLCer, as far as the courts go. 
Now that you will have the opportunity to be the one to 'file' or whatever the procedure is in your country - it's probable that that feeling will shift, as you start to steer things in the direction that you are choosing.

[Anjae]

What feeling may change, Kikki?  ... Me changing my values? That is not going to change if I'm the one divorcing him nor is going to erase the years he lived with OW2 or anything else that has happened.

Plus my feelings for Mr J are sort of below zero. And I also have no respect at all for him. And when I loose my respect for someone it does not return. At least until this day it has never happened. 

To be fair, I think the fact that I would never take him back if it was more than a normal affair is one of the reasons why Mr J wanted to divorce in a hurry. Of course it would have to be a divorce on his terms.

[kikki]

What feeling may change, Kikki?  ... Me changing my values?

No, definitely not you changing your values   

My thing with boundaries is that I not certain what message are we sending when we remain married and even take back someone that has clearly violated all our boundaries and as well as marital duties.

This is what I was meaning.  I read from your words that you feel your boundary is being crossed by remaining married to Mr J, as he is off behaving like the out of control MLCer that he is. (and as are the rest of our MLCers).

Now that you have the opportunity to steer the divorce process, you will likely feel less violated by the crossing of this boundary, as there will be an end in sight for you.

[Anjae]

Ah!  But I still don't know if, and when, I will be divorced. Don't forget everything here takes years and years (just like MLC). So, unless Mr J magically come out of crisis and is willing to deal it may take a long while...

He is having a MLC but he (like all our MLCers) is not totally stupid, those court processed of him served for him to be sure, or so he thought, that I was not going anywhere.

Anyway, I've already decided that if someone I truly like comes along I will not pass the opportunity. I'm simply legally married against my will. I'm not emotionally or morally married. Yes, yes, it is almost like I'm having a MLC but I am not. Just had enough of this stuff and life is short. 

[forthetrees]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/28/let-go-forgive_n_5399988.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular