[Rollercoasterider]

Is your MLCer comfortable with life as it is?
Does she think you will always be there?
Is he taking advantage of you and the OW?
Is he trying to have the best of both worlds?

What can you do about that?
What should you do about it?
How does what you should do differ in different cycles and phases--how does it change with the circumstances?

I'm leaving this open-ended so that you can take it from here.

[MarkedandHealed]

My H may be cake eating, but I don't feel I can do anything about it just yet.

I told him I would not D him. I told him he could go out and find himself and I would not question him.

In the meantime, I'm holding down about 80-90% of the work of the house, finances and family. He gets sex and fun and excitement and conversation/understanding/ego stroking from her and wifely duties from me...

I'm not as worried about the cake eating at this point as I am about regaining his respect for me. I feel he lost that because he doesn't understand how someone could forgive for a second A. That may be MLC fog, though, and I hope he understands one day I do this from a position of strength, moral conviction, love and understanding and not from a low self esteem as OW asserted. ("How can you stay with someone who cheats on you like this. You need counseling.") YEAH, and someone who steals a H and ruins a family doesn't need counseling. LOL.

Another thing I want to see happen again is our friendship come back, and him confiding in me again. I know this will take time, so it's a long term goal. I wouldn't say no if it happened tomorrow, though. I feel he misses our friendship the most.

This has been a big question in my life... what SHOULD or CAN I do about my H not having respect for me, and what SHOULD or CAN I do about him not allowing our friendship to continue. Good questions, maybe I'm making this harder than it needs to be.

As far as cake eating goes, if there is true cake eating, should it be separated out to beginning of the crisis where one may allow more cake to later in the crisis where it should be cut back? Or does that lead to more cake being eaten if allowed in the beginning?

[D Money]

In my situation my wife seems to think I will always be there regardless if she's with someone else. I guess that's part of her fantasy. The only time we have been no contact is when she was with OM #2 and that was because she was in Monster and didn't want to have anything to do with me. She has never experienced what life without me in it would be like.

[Writingmom]

I did not tolerate cake eating very well!  The living at home, continuing in an affair, determined to divorce, being completely disrespectful of kids, not calling, not coming home...no way!  I had to draw boundaries for my own sanity and do not regret doing that at all.  I could not live with myself continually walking on eggshells, trying to guess what he was thinking; would he stay this time or would he be gone even longer?  I think that being in limbo is worse than dealing with the facts, heartbreaking as they may be.

As for now, I don't know if H is cake eating or not.  Is that possible when they no longer live in the house?  He presented an offer today for divorce; has been acting like my best friend for the last couple of days and joking around like old times.  I, of course feel manipulated because he knew settlement offer was on the way, but maybe not!  He's tried to be my "pal" before and I've not allowed it. 

If cake eating can mean that H tries to be friends/buddies/pals and to have the support of LBS, then I guess mine may still cake eat.  He does seem to not be able to handle no contact.  With kids it's not possible, but he always seems to find something to text or email about.  I don't know.  Maybe because H was adamant about divorce from the beginning I failed to Stand.  I don't feel that it means I wanted this on any level.  I just had to regain my strength, and not being walked all over was part of that.

Also, he did try to imply that I was dating once (I have a "friend" that I speak with on the phone.  Nothing else, promise!) and he became very rude and nasty, texting non-stop about how he was happy for me?!  Sure didn't sound like it!  But again, maybe he just wanted to alleviate his own guilt.  Part of self-focus for me has been to STOP trying to figure out his motives!  I searched for hope like crazy at first.  It wore me out.  No more.  I have prayed and counseled and read books/Scripture this entire time.  I am ok with my part in this journey.  The bottom line I guess to all of this is that Cake eating (when he was home) was not worth the pain and frankly, the abuse. 

[Mermaid]

I thought my H was cake eating. I considered that he was having an EA, but having sex/ wifely duties/ support from me. But my ultimatums made him feeling like I was controlling him, and pushed him further away.
It's calmer now that I've told him I will tolerate his going to cinema/ theatre etc with OW. I've stopped spying on his emails too, and he knows it.
He's told me he feels more understood. I guess it helps him, and gives me a role in his life again.

[MarkedandHealed]

Cake eating seems to be the most misunderstood issue within MLC. I've seen so many LOS advising others or believing their spouses are cake eating and they are just not getting it.

Let's discuss what cake eating is and is not.

I'll start:
H comes home and asks you to iron his shirt and then gets up and goes in that shirt out to a function with OW. In this case, he's using you for his housekeeping duties and enjoying time together with OW. He's getting services from both of you. He could hire a housekeeper to do the one and an escort to do the other.

The above is cake eating. This is not cake eating:

H comes home and says he is so confused. He loves you, he wants to work things out. He just can't stand what he's done. He cries, he sleeps in your bed and holds you all night. When you wake up, you find out he's gone to OW's house. You call and say what's going on, I thought you had decided to work on things. He says he never said that, you're crazy. You're upset, you feel walked on.

This is MLC confusion, it's depression, it's running behavior. It is NOT cake eating.

[Rollercoasterider]

MarkedandHealed,

Thank You, I merged your new thread with the original started last month.

That is an excellent descritpion of a difference in cake-eating.

[LifeGoesOn]

I'm confused!

Quote

   " My biggest concern is his tendency to cake-eat."

(RCR's Response, from coaching archives)
For those reading this, direct others to it!
You are one of the few posters referencing cake-eating who has actual cake-eating. I need to write some more on it. A lot of people on the board are concerned that their MLCer is cake-eating—he’s home, hasn’t left, non-communicative, mopey—affair…maybe. If that’s cake-eating it is low-calorie.
You have a cake-eater. That means you understand the tightrope I talk about in the articles. It’s a balancing act, but learn to use it to your advantage—it also means you have an MLCer who does not want to lose you. Cake-eating is about wanting to continue the relationship with the spouse while also continuing to pursue  or maintain the other-world existence which is usually the addictive affair. The MLCer who lives at home, mopes but doesn’t want a relationship with his spouse is not seeking dual world comfort.

So my H is not a cake-eater???

[Rollercoasterider]

Lifegoeson,
 
MarkedandHealed's response to you on Livinstrong's thread was correct.

Your MLCer is cake-eating because though he is cycling and confused he is wanting and trying to have a relationship with you.

Livinstrong's MLCer has cake-eater potential, but the crisis is relatively new and thus his beaviour fits in with expected cycling. If Bomb Drop had been a few years ago rather than 7 months, I might say he was cake-eating or at least starting to cake-eat. But early in the crisis behaviour that may be cake-eating later is often cycling and confusion.

Later in his MLC Sweetheart was much less confused. He knew he wanted me. He was certain he wanted me. He was just so addicted to the alienator that he could not (addiction) and at times would not (refusal) give her up. But he wanted me and thus was trying to live in two worlds.

Livinstrong's MLCer is uncertain, so he comes home or calls when drunk and then he leaves the next day or week. But he is not at a point in his crisis where he has learned that he wants her. He is confused and in his confusion he wishes that he wanted her. He is in early in-fatuation with the OW and not to the point where he truly wishes the relationship with her could be over. That means he has not discovered the addictive force that will rbing him back. It's started to show, but still minor.

[LifeGoesOn]

Sorry...still confused...

M&H's response to me on LS's thread:

My H is cake eating to a small degree, but it's so early in his MLC that I allow it for now. He is living at home, I'm cooking, cleaning, doing the shopping, taking care of his kids and catching the fallout from when he is unreliable and he is out at nights with OW while I'm doing those things for him. That's cake eating.

Your H is not living at home. Are you doing his laundry? Are you having sex with him still? What SERVICES is he getting from you? If none, and he's not living at home, then he is not cake eating. He doesn't have the cake, so he can't eat it.

Then my h is not a cake-eater. Even when he was home, he didn't get any of the above things from me. He didn't care if laundry was done, dinner on the table, food in the house, bills paid, kids cared for...he didn't care. Still doesn't now that he is gone. He just cares where he isn't. When here he wants to be w/ OW, and when there wants to be w/ me.  He tried to keep both R's going, "Keep everyone happy" to quote him last fall.

OTOH, if this is true:

MarkedandHealed's response to you on Livinstrong's thread was correct.

Your MLCer is cake-eating because though he is cycling and confused he is wanting and trying to have a relationship with you.

then H is a cake-eater.