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Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer Cake eating - the most misunderstood part of your journey

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Is your MLCer comfortable with life as it is?
Does she think you will always be there?
Is he taking advantage of you and the OW?
Is he trying to have the best of both worlds?

What can you do about that?
What should you do about it?
How does what you should do differ in different cycles and phases--how does it change with the circumstances?

I'm leaving this open-ended so that you can take it from here.
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M
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Re: Cake-Eating
#1: May 18, 2010, 11:10:09 AM
My H may be cake eating, but I don't feel I can do anything about it just yet.

I told him I would not D him. I told him he could go out and find himself and I would not question him.

In the meantime, I'm holding down about 80-90% of the work of the house, finances and family. He gets sex and fun and excitement and conversation/understanding/ego stroking from her and wifely duties from me...

I'm not as worried about the cake eating at this point as I am about regaining his respect for me. I feel he lost that because he doesn't understand how someone could forgive for a second A. That may be MLC fog, though, and I hope he understands one day I do this from a position of strength, moral conviction, love and understanding and not from a low self esteem as OW asserted. ("How can you stay with someone who cheats on you like this. You need counseling.") YEAH, and someone who steals a H and ruins a family doesn't need counseling. LOL.

Another thing I want to see happen again is our friendship come back, and him confiding in me again. I know this will take time, so it's a long term goal. I wouldn't say no if it happened tomorrow, though. I feel he misses our friendship the most.

This has been a big question in my life... what SHOULD or CAN I do about my H not having respect for me, and what SHOULD or CAN I do about him not allowing our friendship to continue. Good questions, maybe I'm making this harder than it needs to be.

As far as cake eating goes, if there is true cake eating, should it be separated out to beginning of the crisis where one may allow more cake to later in the crisis where it should be cut back? Or does that lead to more cake being eaten if allowed in the beginning?

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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.  ~Mark Twain

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.  ~Marlene Dietrich

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.  ~Ghandi

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Re: Cake-Eating
#2: May 18, 2010, 12:10:30 PM
In my situation my wife seems to think I will always be there regardless if she's with someone else. I guess that's part of her fantasy. The only time we have been no contact is when she was with OM #2 and that was because she was in Monster and didn't want to have anything to do with me. She has never experienced what life without me in it would be like.
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Re: Cake-Eating
#3: May 18, 2010, 06:28:49 PM
I did not tolerate cake eating very well!  The living at home, continuing in an affair, determined to divorce, being completely disrespectful of kids, not calling, not coming home...no way!  I had to draw boundaries for my own sanity and do not regret doing that at all.  I could not live with myself continually walking on eggshells, trying to guess what he was thinking; would he stay this time or would he be gone even longer?  I think that being in limbo is worse than dealing with the facts, heartbreaking as they may be.

As for now, I don't know if H is cake eating or not.  Is that possible when they no longer live in the house?  He presented an offer today for divorce; has been acting like my best friend for the last couple of days and joking around like old times.  I, of course feel manipulated because he knew settlement offer was on the way, but maybe not!  He's tried to be my "pal" before and I've not allowed it. 

If cake eating can mean that H tries to be friends/buddies/pals and to have the support of LBS, then I guess mine may still cake eat.  He does seem to not be able to handle no contact.  With kids it's not possible, but he always seems to find something to text or email about.  I don't know.  Maybe because H was adamant about divorce from the beginning I failed to Stand.  I don't feel that it means I wanted this on any level.  I just had to regain my strength, and not being walked all over was part of that.

Also, he did try to imply that I was dating once (I have a "friend" that I speak with on the phone.  Nothing else, promise!) and he became very rude and nasty, texting non-stop about how he was happy for me?!  Sure didn't sound like it!  But again, maybe he just wanted to alleviate his own guilt.  Part of self-focus for me has been to STOP trying to figure out his motives!  I searched for hope like crazy at first.  It wore me out.  No more.  I have prayed and counseled and read books/Scripture this entire time.  I am ok with my part in this journey.  The bottom line I guess to all of this is that Cake eating (when he was home) was not worth the pain and frankly, the abuse. 
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« Last Edit: May 18, 2010, 06:34:27 PM by Writingmom »
"Only the strong can endure the shattering; the weak need their defenses." 
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Re: Cake-Eating
#4: May 19, 2010, 10:02:56 AM
I thought my H was cake eating. I considered that he was having an EA, but having sex/ wifely duties/ support from me. But my ultimatums made him feeling like I was controlling him, and pushed him further away.
It's calmer now that I've told him I will tolerate his going to cinema/ theatre etc with OW. I've stopped spying on his emails too, and he knows it.
He's told me he feels more understood. I guess it helps him, and gives me a role in his life again.
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Work in progress (none of us are perfect)

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Cake eating seems to be the most misunderstood issue within MLC. I've seen so many LOS advising others or believing their spouses are cake eating and they are just not getting it.

Let's discuss what cake eating is and is not.

I'll start:
H comes home and asks you to iron his shirt and then gets up and goes in that shirt out to a function with OW. In this case, he's using you for his housekeeping duties and enjoying time together with OW. He's getting services from both of you. He could hire a housekeeper to do the one and an escort to do the other.

The above is cake eating. This is not cake eating:

H comes home and says he is so confused. He loves you, he wants to work things out. He just can't stand what he's done. He cries, he sleeps in your bed and holds you all night. When you wake up, you find out he's gone to OW's house. You call and say what's going on, I thought you had decided to work on things. He says he never said that, you're crazy. You're upset, you feel walked on.

This is MLC confusion, it's depression, it's running behavior. It is NOT cake eating.
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.  ~Mark Twain

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.  ~Marlene Dietrich

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.  ~Ghandi

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MarkedandHealed,

Thank You, I merged your new thread with the original started last month.

That is an excellent descritpion of a difference in cake-eating.
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I'm confused!

Quote
Quote

   " My biggest concern is his tendency to cake-eat."

(RCR's Response, from coaching archives)
For those reading this, direct others to it!
You are one of the few posters referencing cake-eating who has actual cake-eating. I need to write some more on it. A lot of people on the board are concerned that their MLCer is cake-eating—he’s home, hasn’t left, non-communicative, mopey—affair…maybe. If that’s cake-eating it is low-calorie.
You have a cake-eater. That means you understand the tightrope I talk about in the articles. It’s a balancing act, but learn to use it to your advantage—it also means you have an MLCer who does not want to lose you. Cake-eating is about wanting to continue the relationship with the spouse while also continuing to pursue  or maintain the other-world existence which is usually the addictive affair. The MLCer who lives at home, mopes but doesn’t want a relationship with his spouse is not seeking dual world comfort
.

So my H is not a cake-eater???
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Lifegoeson,
 
MarkedandHealed's response to you on Livinstrong's thread was correct.

Your MLCer is cake-eating because though he is cycling and confused he is wanting and trying to have a relationship with you.


Livinstrong's MLCer has cake-eater potential, but the crisis is relatively new and thus his beaviour fits in with expected cycling. If Bomb Drop had been a few years ago rather than 7 months, I might say he was cake-eating or at least starting to cake-eat. But early in the crisis behaviour that may be cake-eating later is often cycling and confusion.


Later in his MLC Sweetheart was much less confused. He knew he wanted me. He was certain he wanted me. He was just so addicted to the alienator that he could not (addiction) and at times would not (refusal) give her up. But he wanted me and thus was trying to live in two worlds.


Livinstrong's MLCer is uncertain, so he comes home or calls when drunk and then he leaves the next day or week. But he is not at a point in his crisis where he has learned that he wants her. He is confused and in his confusion he wishes that he wanted her. He is in early in-fatuation with the OW and not to the point where he truly wishes the relationship with her could be over. That means he has not discovered the addictive force that will rbing him back. It's started to show, but still minor.
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Sorry...still confused...

M&H's response to me on LS's thread:
Quote
My H is cake eating to a small degree, but it's so early in his MLC that I allow it for now. He is living at home, I'm cooking, cleaning, doing the shopping, taking care of his kids and catching the fallout from when he is unreliable and he is out at nights with OW while I'm doing those things for him. That's cake eating.

Your H is not living at home. Are you doing his laundry? Are you having sex with him still? What SERVICES is he getting from you? If none, and he's not living at home, then he is not cake eating. He doesn't have the cake, so he can't eat it.

Then my h is not a cake-eater. Even when he was home, he didn't get any of the above things from me. He didn't care if laundry was done, dinner on the table, food in the house, bills paid, kids cared for...he didn't care. Still doesn't now that he is gone. He just cares where he isn't. When here he wants to be w/ OW, and when there wants to be w/ me.  He tried to keep both R's going, "Keep everyone happy" to quote him last fall.

OTOH, if this is true:

Quote
MarkedandHealed's response to you on Livinstrong's thread was correct.

Your MLCer is cake-eating because though he is cycling and confused he is wanting and trying to have a relationship with you.



then H is a cake-eater.

???

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M
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Maybe this will clear it up? I was saying Livestrong doesn't have a cake eater. Yours is because he is trying to have a relationship with both of you.

I was simply trying to make examples of what cake eating COULD entail. Not that it had anything to do with you or your situation.

A cake eater is someone who is trying to have a relationship with two women, someone who gets their needs met with two women. Most often people see confusion and waffling and assume it's cake eating.
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.  ~Mark Twain

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.  ~Marlene Dietrich

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.  ~Ghandi

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LifeGoesOn,

Quote
I was simply trying to make examples of what cake eating COULD entail.
Exactly. You are trying to make all possible cake-eating behaviours requirements for a cake-eating diagnosis. No. The important attribute is the two worlds--he wants arelationship with you and he can't or won't give up the alienator. Forget the additional acts of service, they are just a bonus that need not be happening.
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So this quote from M&H is not true?

Quote
Your H is not living at home. Are you doing his laundry? Are you having sex with him still? What SERVICES is he getting from you? If none, and he's not living at home, then he is not cake eating. He doesn't have the cake, so he can't eat it.

I think I get it....My H was pretty much like Livinstrong's, the fact that he still is 20 months later, without any contact initiated by me in the last 6, proves the confusion as cake-eating, or IOW desiring a relationship with us both?

Wow. That's why I always back up my opinions with a personal anecdote and a reference/suggestion for further reading. I'll refrain from giving my opinion until I am more confident in my understanding!
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"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost"

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My situation like D Money and Writingmom. Divides time between own flat/OW place. Cannot seem to handle NC. I have tried 3times before. Always finds some excuse to text me. Calls most days usually at meal times, so eats with us. Wants to be friends with me and cannot understand why this is so hard for me to do. Says he couldn't stand not seeing me every day. Don't know if this is cake eating, or whether he just tries to ease his guilty conscience.
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Eva.b
Quote
Cannot seem to handle NC. I have tried 3times before. Always finds some excuse to text me. Calls most days usually at meal times, so eats with us.

I will not address the cake-eating, but I do have a question about your NC.
 Your boundary is NC? He can't handle NC or you can't?
Boundaries are for YOU. You can't control him, but you can decide where and when you will respond. This means if you say you will not have contact with him, YOU will not have contact with him. You don't respond to his texts, calls, emails, or answer the door (direct contact) or even think about him, listen to tales/talk about him (Indirect contact). If you have kids, this is all but impossible. Dim or dark is more realistic b/c there are kid related things you need to relate to him.

If you feel the need to set a boundary, then you must stick to it. If you say 'don't contact me' and then invite him for dinner b/c he calls at mealtime, you are wasting your breath as well as putting more stress on yourself. 
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"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost"

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One more thing, LGO, my SERVICES comment was simply an attempt at making it simpler to understand. I'm sorry if that backfired.

I get very frustrated because people don't understand the concept (don't worry, it's a very hard, tenuous one to grasp) - and then set boundaries way before it's time.

Everything about MLC has to be custom fit to your situations, there are no hard and fast rules. There is no fitting square pegs into round holes here... instead, you have to drill your own holes to fit.
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M38 H43 M8 T12 Bomb 3/2010
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.  ~Mark Twain

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.  ~Marlene Dietrich

The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.  ~Ghandi

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Here's my take on cake eating

When I got to the point of asking my husband to leave because I felt he was cake eating I felt that his behaviors and acting out on me were emotionally abusive.  I also felt he was so damaging and destructive to the relationship that HE might be unable to forgive himself for the insane things he was doing, even after he moves through the tunnel.  This included a lot of hurtful comments and behaviors centering around OW and the end of my pregnancy.  He had been home 18 months post bomb drop and things were getting worse not better.  I felt like I needed some emotional space and it has been nice being able to work through the pain without his hovering, moodiness, spewing, conversations, neediness.  I have three children and his presence felt like four.  If I have done anything it is put my needs first  and let him go on his journey.  I also believe by giving him his own physical space and going dark has removed a certain level of tension between the wife/OW tug o' war.  It pushes things into more of a reality which is scary and yet I believe necessary in my case.  I second guess my decision occassionally but my thoughts are he was STUCK and it was time to try something different.  We'll see what happens.
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Pain is not a punishment, pleasure not a reward.  ~Pema Chodron

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What is Cake Eating?
#17: January 19, 2011, 08:02:00 PM
I have seen the term Cake Eating mentioned several times on the forum.  I've read about it somewhere also in the resources, but can't seem to locate it now.

I'd appreciate any descriptions of cake eating and how you've dealt with it in your MLCer.
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Re: What is Cake Eating?
#18: January 19, 2011, 08:10:10 PM
cake eating

Having your cake and eat it.

trying to have a relationship with you and ow at the same time.
trying to keep you hanging while they decide.

behaviours that give them the best of both worlds.

Umm exactly what my h seems to have at present  :o ROFL
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You must do the things you think you cannot do.

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bandedalliecat

I have combined this question with an earlier discussion on this matter, I hope this helps.

If not ask some more questions.
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Mine seems quite content with leaving  me and his D in one house and him and ow in another?!
Since he is not trying to connect with me, he is not a cake eater.
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The cake eating fascinates me.  I do see my H as more cycling/confused than cake eating.  He is still early in his crisis and heavy in OW infatuation. 
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I'm presently running a series on Cake-Eating in the Newsletter. The last two issues started the series and it continues for two more issues.
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I get the newsletter and have read and re-read the cake eating several times.  Thank you for writing on this!
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If you're going through hell, keep going.   -Winston Churchill

Trust the process and have faith.  -Unknown

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My h was a cake eater at first.  Now he has made his choice and its the OW.  He wants a divorce and doesn't
want anything from me at all.  Acts like he only wants a realtionship with the kids...doesn't talk to me at all
unless it's about finances.  Is it still MLC or did he leave me for another woman?
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Whatever,


My h was a cake eater at first.  Now he has made his choice and its the OW.  He wants a divorce and doesn't
want anything from me at all.  Acts like he only wants a realtionship with the kids...doesn't talk to me at all
unless it's about finances.  Is it still MLC or did he leave me for another woman?

It is not yet a year since your Bomb Drop, thus you are still in the early stages of MLC. Cake-Eating is more common at the beginning and then is common later depending on the MLCer contact type--a Clinging Boomerang will cake-eat throughout, though there may be a reduction mid-MLC after the debris from Bomb Drop has settled.
The presence of cake-eating is not a requirement for MLC. MAny do not cake-eat.
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f
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WOW..read all the post..Shoot Caker Eater is my H..actually i have no idea what is happening with him and OW. I just know that in the beginning he was with her every weekend till 4-5am and would come home and try to love on me. Now all that has slowed down WAY down.. but he says that he has told her that he will never leave me and in a year and 7 months now he hasnt. He said that she is not happy about it and wants to be more then friends. I told him that we can not heal or anything until she is out of the marriage. He feels that they can keep in contact and still hang out.. that is such an insult to my intelligants.. However he has told me that he is confused because he has feelings for her and wants to let her down slowly does not want to hurt her..but it is okay to hurt me all this time. whatever.. He is so cockey and full of himself.. I do see things slowly down as far as his going out and texting with her... but I still feel like I am in limbo and he is a cake eater still, and I am tried of talking to him about the affair, us, everything.. I feel lonely, disrepected, and unloved... and it is wearing on me...
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Good morning,
haven't been on for awhile but here I am again. Boy oh boy, what a mess, its funny the mess they create and we have to deal with it. Let's see... while him and ow are friends..yes I still get that...He only goes out on Fridays now but its still fricking upsetting. I am never invited and then the next day all over me. I have made many strides in not getting upset anymore and distanting myself even further from him. Oh adn did I mention he wants a divorce... he wants one but stay together... feels that it would be better for us? Better for who? him that way he wont be commiting a huge sin? Wont have to feel guilty? And I am still getting" one day I know I am going to cry about all this." I have not heard "I love you" sense maybe early March. Which is fine. I feel like there is something so different about us? Like we dont know one another anymore. Oh and here is another kicker... He found out that OW has slept with 2 more co worker sense involved with him but she wants him... He didnt mean to send me a text that was for her that said... You should be with Dave he can help you...Do you say that to a FRIEND?????? They are so sick... And I can not believe he would love to stay in her company over me. Oh well... Anyway.. I said that he can have the divorce however he will have to file and I will sign but I will not help him in the matter. He was so mad because I will not help and go along with everything that he wants me to do. Said that I am making it harder. Whatever. I wonder if he will ever snap out of this but until then I am ready for whatever. It gets so old.The lies, secrets, the textingm, the whole new him.  I dont want a man like that. He will be 35 tomorrowand still no change..Been almost 2 yrs...Oh also said he never wanted to marry me. I guess after 13 yrs he still didnt want to but did..that hurt...so nearly 4 years of marriage have been a lie. together 17 in Sept I wonder how many of those years he loved me? I also wonder if this is a MLC or just a Nasty person who feels he can do whatever he wants to everyone. So tonight he will be going out and made a joke,,,I think I will pick up 3 girls..I just look at him and said go for it.
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 :PI was venting sorry.. but I know a cake eater.. and they love the cake and frosting..lol
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faithful with Love
 
First off, let me just tell you (I'm sure you've head it before) that you can't listen to the garbage that comes out of their mouth. If he didn't love you, you would not have been married for that long. Your sure dealing with a big cake eater. You stated your boundary clearly to him now all you can do is stick to them. A MLC is a nasty person, they are also evil, gross, childish, and plain stupid, so to tell the truth they're the same in my book. You could try going dark or dim, that way the all over you might stop and you wouldn't be listening to upsetting comments. I think this is why God didn't give me a cake eater but a vanisher because I'd be like go a head see if you could pick up 3 girls, you .........................
You did very good with handling it all. 
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The hurtful things that they say...so incredible that the person we knew so well for so long turns into something...something that is hideous and pathetic and just plain wrong.

And we need all the patience in the world to continue to stand up, to continue to find peace in our life.

They are crazy, crazy, crazy...why would anyone want to live this way?

Like that you told him you won't help with the divorce..he wants it..let him get it. That shouldn't upset him...he wants it right? They are so mixed up and downright crazy..oh yeah, said that before.

Take care, be good to you. Try to ignore the hurtful things that he says and does. You matter, you are the one that is important!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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They are crazy....lucky us... i know not to listen to anything that he says..... it is all a LIE... Ready to move on but i want to stay in the house. I have 3 of us and he has himself....He should move...he talks about the future and all that crap.. but until he tells me it is over with her and she is kick her to the curb....there is nothing to say...... This will end one way or another... he will lose me and he can keep his ow.....she will make him happy...lol....how dumb can you be.... I know that I am very beautiful and wonderful.... so his loss....lol....I will win no matter what....
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Faithful with Love

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  Ok Question: If all MLCs are different how come it is a foregone conclusion that if BD was w/in last 4 months it's too early for any REAL
reconciliation?
  My H left Valentine's Day. Ran down the street to OW apt. Saying "You'll never change.You don't like me"   Was completely gone
for 6 weeks.
  Now Touch n Goes to get Ds 8 and 11. Smiling .Telling me and girls I am beautiful. Batting his eyelashes at me. Says "I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be close to me either"
  Wandering around our big beautiful house when I'm not here commenting on "Mommy keeps this place so nice. Mommy is so beautiful. Mommy has changed."
  Mowing the lawn. Checking my oil. Changing the gas tank on our grill.
 Ds say he lives in a tiny 3rd floor apt with OW that is disgusting and smells. He hardly works driving the limo. He used to be a stay at home Dad. I make great money. Ds say they don't have cable or TV. Just VCR tapes. Plus she's extremely ugly. (has 7 year old who doesn't live with her.She's our age 50)
 I've been quiet and forging ahead since I found this site right after he left. I have religiously followed ALL the advice given in the articles. I never even raised my voice since it happened.
 Is it cake eating that he comes around and he acts so nice and normal.  He was always the jealous type. Can only fathom that he needed a place to run to and he's using her b/c it's convenient.
  WTH? LG has me convinced he'll be gone at OWs for a long, long time. I'll keep doing what I am doing because when he blinks those love eyes at me I can't help but feel he's trying to say "I am confused. Please give me some time to straighten things out>"
   Who knows That Tunnel sucks. :-\ Thanks.
 
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Mamma Bear

The timeline listed on here is an average. Replay seems to last at least two years, what you are seeing is touch and goes within replay, he will bounce between you and her(s).  Each MLCer is different but yet very similar. RCR states that to be leery of a MLC who returns before the two year mark because it could end up just being a long touch and go.  It seems like they have to dig themselves the deepest, darkest hole, fall in, and lay around in the mud before they move into the next stage.
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H40, M19, T21, D14
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Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call destiny.” John Hobbes.

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Mama Bear,
My h is 35 tomorrow and has been at this for nearly 2 years. And the crap that comes out of their mouth is like a fricking total MESS, one minute they are sweet and great if you dont ask nothing, if you do then they rage at you like you are the one that was cheating. I really dont say anything to much about it because it is a waste of my time and my energy...Mine is cake eating because he will be with her and then want to be with me. Very hard for me to even let him touch me but I am the wife it is my right if I let him. I realize that somedays he is coming out of the fog but then he gets sucked right back in...that is his fault...He told me he wants ALL of it done....while baby you have to make that happen. But, I feel I am reaping the conqueces of his doing cause he wants a divorce now because of the s**t he created. He ownes up to it all being his fault and he created the mess however he wants ow woman as a friend. That is not happening it cant, get mad when I say that. I see as this he has called all the shots and I waited and for what? So I have choosen to take contol back of me and say ...its your life not mine.. I have 2 kids to look after, im 37 and I am still young..I was meant to be a wife and a mother...if this is not what you want then go..but he wont leave the house, I just keep my distanst and now that it is nice out, i plant flower, stained the fence, adn get my toe and nails done, go out with friends, and I am civil as I can be to him, he sees what he has done but will not change anything. If this is what he wants then he knows he has to change for the better and positive for our lives and home to be a positive for our kids. 
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mercury
How does that work with the ones that don't leave? Is the bouncing the same? I mean he is all over the place...
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Faithful with Love

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  Ewwww. I was trying to answer my own question also It might be to get set for NO EXPECTATIONS> No sense in setting myself up for a fall thinking he's smarter then the average bear when in fact he is in a CRISIS and doesn't know what the f' he is doing. Really. Thanks Merc. Makes sense..stupid jerk face moron insensitive pig sense :o
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Mama bear,
LOL, he is a Pig right now. It has taken me so long to get here and trust me I still struggle everyday...But, I have learned so much about me and who I am along the way. I think what holds me to him is our past. The memories. Those make me cry because it was good. Do you know he doesnt even really remember the great times but he remembers the fights we would have. Crazy all of 17 years and the last 2 have been the worst for the fighting, but like I said there is an elephant inbetween us and if the fighting needs to stop we have to face the elephant and get rid of it first (OW) then look at the root of the issuse...He will not come to that yet and guess what "oh well" cause all it does is fustrate me and then i start to go into a shell again and I realized I was living in a coffin for nearly 2 years feeling like I was nothing because he keeps choosen a ow over his own wife. Yes, a ow, that she is. Someone who sleeps with other men to get my husband jealouse and he falls for it. Do you know he would never have something to do with someone like her before all this... Its funny I called all this before it all started. I think we woman know about woman like that and know the outcome. They are bad news...Anyways... I have been enjoying myself and stating to really love me again. And know hell I have to pick of the litter if I wanted to be with someone else. but I wont till he makes a another move. Is it worth standing? Yes but not to the cost of losing who you are.
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Faithful with Love

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faithful with Love

I'm going to go with yes, it doesn't matter if they are home or not but we should get the big guns to verify.
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H40, M19, T21, D14
Separated not living together

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call destiny.” John Hobbes.

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Who are the big guns? I was reading the stages.. hell i can not figure out where he is as he fits them all at different times. I wish he was one of the ones you could read. I mean, he texts less, lays his phone around... Actually never mind I just thought of how he was last month and was starting to come around...almost like who he was before this... then we got into a huge fight because he told me he was going to stay out all night and party like a rock star and stroll in about 8am..said it no big deal...why are you so upset, he never did however, (also i hear she is putting pressure on him about staying the night and family time with her and her kid and gets mad cause the week and Sat and Sun he is with me and our kids) she gets Fridays. Anyways...the next day was when he said he wanted a divorce and has been on that kick. Where does that come from? Do other MLCers say that? and want to stay together? Also last weekend he asked..how long have i been with you? I said 17 yrs married 4 in sept..he said ..wow that puts a smile on my face....REPLAY REPLAY REPLAY....however can they be in replay and have other systoms of the other stages?  ???
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Faithful with Love

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however can they be in replay and have other systoms of the other stages?  ???
YES, the stages can overlap and sometimes they can run back to a previous stage.

You H is in REPLAY
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The big guns are RCR, OP (above Thank you OP), LG, V, Ready pretty much the group that been on for a year or more, they have a good understand and many experience what you are. I'd say he was in replay too. They say all kind of crazy things that make no sense and they can have all kinds of symptoms. Depression and regression to a child or youth seems the most common in replay.

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H40, M19, T21, D14
Separated not living together

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly

“Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call destiny.” John Hobbes.

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 :( I have been in replay for awhile now. It sucks..and I was reading up to 2 yrs or more. So how can I figure out the replay or when it started...I am thinking back to Nov 09 to May 10 he was in a VERY angry stage...then last summer he stared staying home more...I think the honeymoon stopped and he was staying out till 4-5 am.  That is when it started. Cause now he goes back and forth with eveyrthing. He told him his mind is racing all the time, best to stay busy, and this winter he told me he was trying to let ow down gently..and they fight alot..I mean .... when he sent me that text that was suppose to be for her...he said he was trying to help....then I said why and he said I am not trying to help her....I said but you just said you were like 10 mins ago....then the next day he called me at work and said I am trying to get rid of baggage and you know what i mean but I feel bad cause i called her a ow, she dresses like a ow,, blah blah....I mean he was telling me this like I was a friend... I just listened think you feel bad and want to say sorry but look at what you have put me and our kids through and nothing....what ever.. then he said the plan was not to hang out with her anymore....but they still hang and she will be a friend... What is all that??????  He wants it all done ///// so does that mean getting rid of me and divorce??? I dont understand and all I get is we will be fine its just a divorce.  Can anyone help me with that?
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Faithful with Love

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FaithfulwithLove,

    I got the very same thing from my exH.  I'm going on 20 months now since BD.  I have been told the "I'm done, I want to be alone, and we will be fine".  All of this same stuff.  I'm approaching 8 months divorced now as well.  I honestly can't begin to figure out where my exH is regarding the MLC steps/phases or whatever.  It doesn't matter to me any more.  My exH was so extreme right after BD..........I mean he was like a bull in a china shop.  He was bouncing all over the place.  He was depressed, crying, monster spewing, blaming, mean, hateful and completely empty.  His eyes were blank.  He went through so much so fast (in my opinion) that it made my head spin.  He was a complete stranger.  He had two OW's within a 6 month period.  He spent money like water.  All of it started tapering off after our divorce was final this past October, 2010.  I saw him acting as a teenager and dressing very weird.  I can't tell you where he's at in this process but he seems to be somewhat better at the moment even though we do not communicate much.  I just sit back and watch.  I can't explain any of it..........but you are not alone.  It's too much to think about it...........it will make you crazy!
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LoveMyMan,
Thank you, when he said "its a divorce that is all we will be fine and stay together and see where it will take us". It is very confusing for me. I dont know why he wants it or what he is thinking it will help. He has not made an attempt to file. Talks about the future with me even today when he called me at work. On that I am lost. Im so sorry that you have to go through this as well. How are you holding up? I hate that you had to divorce when you didnt do anything wrong. I dont understand why some ppl have to go through this and others dont. I wish I could take all of this away for ALL of us that are going through it. And I cant believe my h was 33 when his started.. so young but he grew up fast in the inner city and what his life was like still no excuse.
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Faithful with Love

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Faithful with Love,

    I'm holding up as well as I can.........maybe better than I even expected.  I still love him but I know I do not want him the way he is right now.  I lean on God daily.  I maintain my faith and hope.  I was a single mom for 21 years prior to meeting and marrying him so being "on my own" is not new to me but this is so much worse and very painful.  I spent many months of crying and being miserable.  It was a full year from BD to divorce.  I can now say that entire year was pure torture.  It was a very emotional year full of pain.  I lost about 25 pounds (my weight went down under 90 lbs)!  I was not sleeping at all and struggling to keep going.  I ended up on a very mild antidepressant and sleeping pills.  I can't remember when I stopped taking the pills but I will still use an over the counter sleep aide if needed on occasion.  I'm a strong little lady and I'm pulling through all of this.  It's not easy........no way!  I pray for each and everyone on this forum.  This is honestly the worst and most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  My ex is not seeing anybody (OW) that I'm aware of but I truly don't know.  I honestly don't believe he is "happy" in his new life.  Time will tell.  We have very little communication between us but I have several friends who work with him.  I hear bits and pieces here and there but I can handle it so much better now.  Sometimes I do get down.........I force myself to stop focusing on him.  I question whether it is truly MLC (like most) but I do really believe it.  I have to tell myself that he is "sick/ill" and perhaps one day he will return.  He will be 48 in July.  I wish we could ALL band together and make this disappear for ALL of us here.  I'm grateful for this forum and for EVERYBODY here sharing their situations.  It has been extremely helpful.  I can't understand the statement your h made regarding the divorce either but we don't understand most of what they say anyway.  It's not going to do you any good to worry about it or try to figure it out. 
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LoveMyMan,
No no good worrying about it. nearly 2 yrs for me. And it has been torture, however he is much kinder to me.  The rejection is the worst and to be replaced is the worst. I miss my h very much but I know we will never be like we use to be. Maybe stronger one day. I have never experienced something like this either.. Oh Lord was he torturing me with it in my face I mean he lie and then if caught shove it in my face on purpose. I remember sobbing so many nights and he would leave me to be with ow, Oh I have lots of painful memories of this that he did and let happen with no concern to me. He doesnt remember alot of it but I do. No human being should ever be treated that way. EVER. Torture yes. But his behavior is better in that sense. I love him so much but I cant fix him or this, he has to and I feel that is why he wants the divorce...he feels to much damage has been done..and he feels I hate him at times. I never hate him just what he has done or is still doing. I know I will be okay without him I have been basiclly a single mom sense this started. Funny I wanted to be his wife so bad I should have known if it took him 13 yrs he most likely never wanted to marry. But here we are nearly 4 yrs of marriage and 2 of them in this $hit.  Never really gave us chance and what is the big deal about marriage to him> commiment? Would he not think that I would and DID expect him to be faithful to me. Venting now sorry. You are a strong lady and I went from 148 to 114 in less then 8 months. I have gained some back. He use to talk about my weight when I lost it that I was to skinny and it looked sick...my I look back adn that will bring out some anger in me. Need to let that go cause like I said he is better with his additude to wards me except for the divorce adn still in contact with ow.
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« Last Edit: October 23, 2011, 08:40:06 AM by Millvina »
Faithful with Love

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Faithful with Love,

    I'm going to go back and read your entire story this weekend.  I have wondered if I was the only one here (on this forum) that had been married less than 10 years.  We were only married 5 years and I see you for only 4, correct?  I know it's truly hard for those on here who have been married for 20 plus years.........but I look at my brief 5 years as the "honeymoon" time and end up dealing with this mess!  I can not imagine having it rubbed in my face!  To me that is totally and completely uncalled for.............but we have to remember it's really not them.......they can't help it.  They are possessed by an Alien!  I found out about the first OW about 3 weeks after my H moved out.  He was all "giddy" and acting like a high school kid while involved with her.........and she was/is a total "skank".  She's been married/divorced twice and has two grown kids and a 15 year old who doesn't even live with her.  She has a reputation for going to the clubs and working on men.......just to get whatever she can from them.  There's a special place in HE{{ for these kind of people (in my opinion).  My ex said the same about too much damage.  The damage is in his mind........as is the guilt and the shame.  He felt like the divorce was the only way to free him.  I think some of them truly believe this.  I also believe they think once divorced they will be released from their guilt and shame.  My ex keeps saying he will be happy "WHEN"..............WHEN WHAT?  Now it's when he gets another job because he hates his job and everybody he works with.  Go figure...........he had an affair with his coworker!  Not cool!

I understand your venting.  You are in the right place for it.  My ex tried to tell me that he really did "try"..........well, about a month or so ago I mentioned that statement to him.  I told him that he truly DID NOT try.........because he didn't talk to me prior to moving out........just dropped the bomb and left.  I also told him that he didn't give us/marriage a try.  I don't think they can run and hide from this forever...........at least I hope not. 
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MLM,
I have been with my husband sense I was 19 and he was 17... have 2 kids, married almost 4, When this started, his mom was dx with cancer, I lost my job, and I think he got bored with me. I became what he wanted me to. He went without nothing, I was his bestfriend, and I bent over backwards for him. I loved being a good woman and wife... I am a great mom... And then $hit hit the fan. He started going out more and more later and later. He started being distant and rude.... Our sex life went from everyday to mainly nothing..His was/is with a co worker also 5 years young then him and 7 years younger then me. She is a nasty ass as well... She was going through a divorce and was sleeping with another co worker who dumped her and then dated another co worker and then latched onto my h. Filling his head with so much crap. i told him at the start to stay away from her she is bad news I could tell. He would not listen.. Then I could tell his would be gulity after coming home from being out. I knew.. he would never confess..I got just a friends... The texting was 24/7..gifts..clothes..brought into my house that he lied about..a lawn mower he lied about...then I found out the truth when she came to our home and we had to call the police..she wanted all that back and she was giving him money..cause she felt sorry for him.. he lied saying that he paid all the bills. but he stopped paying on most nad i was struggling.. then she would call me and tell me when they were fighting..said I had to get use to sharing my h..on and on this went and then I changed my number and have not had to deal with hit. and h sees now that it was not me but her. I found naked pic of her on his cell, which is locked now. Telling her all our business and blaming me.. I mean it is a mess. While she has now slept with 2 other co workers and he still can not see that she si nothing but a ow.. He says he knows but then why are you friends with someone like that. They lose all sense of logic. And there is more but it is in the past and I try to leave it there. Cause I get very upset when I think of the wrong he has done.. oh by the way our kids watched all this and he still was with her. It is like they are taken over by something.  He has gotton tattoos that she paid for and I get to be reminded everyday when I see them. He acts like a teen. and I am the mommy. Which he is a mamas boy.  They are sick. and the woman they chose are worse then them, so I blame her just as much as I blame my h. She knew he was married and disrepected me and my kids and home.
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« Last Edit: October 23, 2011, 08:32:59 AM by Millvina »
Faithful with Love

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I think my thread is back in Feb somewhere. It is not on here. but some is however.
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Faithful with Love

 

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