[Albatross]

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the excessive mental stress and discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time. This stress and discomfort may also arise within an individual who holds a belief and performs a contradictory action or reaction.

Leon Festinger's theory of cognitive dissonance focuses on how humans strive for internal consistency. When inconsistency (dissonance) is experienced, individuals largely become psychologically distressed.

His basic hypotheses are listed below:

1. "The existence of dissonance, being psychologically uncomfortable, will motivate the person to try to reduce the dissonance and achieve consonance"
2. "When dissonance is present, in addition to trying to reduce it, the person will actively avoid situations and information which would likely increase the dissonance".

Attitude ⟹ Belief Inconsistent with Attitude ⟹ Dissonance

There You go. If people are raised rigidly and demanding by parents they have big superego and kids trying to be what parents wanna from them. Because purity or (and) goals set high, perfectionism or (and) strong parental figures which are "perfect", for kid is impossible to reach them. Then they feel weak, inadequate. Combining with conditional love by parents then they also feel unloved. So kids try in same time satisfy demands - finding out that they aren't good enough and in same time they try to avoid problems which becoming impossible to solve, so they start to avoid confrontation. In extreme cases they developing own fantasy self which is grandiose and that is dead trap because they will never be like that in reality - narcissism.



Relationship between cognitions
    Consonant relationship – Two cognitions/actions that are consistent with one another
    Irrelevant relationship – Two cognitions/actions that are unrelated to one another
    Dissonant relationship – Two cognitions/actions that are inconsistent with one another


Magnitude of dissonance
The amount of dissonance produced by two conflicting cognitions or actions (as well as the subsequent psychological distress) depends on two factors:

1. The importance of cognitions: The more elements that are personally valued, the greater the magnitude of the dissonant relationship will be.
2. Ratio of cognitions: The proportion of dissonant to consonant elements

The pressure to reduce cognitive dissonance is a function of the magnitude of said dissonance.

Because dissonance becoming bigger and bigger pressure for reaching consonance become overwhelming.  In one hand You want to reach goals and deserve to be loved and in other hand You can't to it. So, individual feel like he is in squeezer. So, You becoming in time avoider, generating fantasy world where You are safe, there go low self esteem and passive aggressive behavior, possible delusions (quick fixes). In time person developing immature or even maladaptive defense mechanisms just to avoid emotional pain. They developing persona as defense and gap between persona and inner self become huge. Dissonance become even bigger. In time they use to it to be for external world mask and don't express real thoughts neither feelings (guilt, anger). They actually never develop self, remain unloved kids inside. They cannot love self because they think only bad about self and not deserve to be loved by others. There going copy of conditional love, if You give me what I need, I will give You what I can. But they can't love unfortunately. Natural thing is that people thinks that all others are similar like they are, what is not case. So, You have codependent personalities which actually giving what they think You need and also expecting from You to give them what they want and You have to know what it is ?!

[in it]

. So, You have codependent personalities which actually giving what they think You need and also expecting from You to give them what they want and You have to know what it is ?!

Yep- and nobody's a MIND READER so somebody has to express themselves. So if you show love in one way and that's not the way another interprets it they don't FEEL loved.

In some cases their are people who don't FEEL loved no matter what you do because it starts with self-love. You can't MAKE anybody FEEL anything.

And people have a tendency to NOT feel it because they are too afraid to EXPRESS what they NEED due to feeling vulnerable.

FEAR keeps people from love IMHO.

[bipolared]

Thanks for this post, it is very interesting.  Sounds very like my H-I think he could win the Nobel prize and his parents would still find him wanting.  Sometimes I feel like I have lowered my worth in his eyes by loving him.

[hobo1]

. So, You have codependent personalities which actually giving what they think You need and also expecting from You to give them what they want and You have to know what it is ?!

Yep- and nobody's a MIND READER so somebody has to express themselves. So if you show love in one way and that's not the way another interprets it they don't FEEL loved.

In some cases their are people who don't FEEL loved no matter what you do because it starts with self-love. You can't MAKE anybody FEEL anything.

And people have a tendency to NOT feel it because they are too afraid to EXPRESS what they NEED due to feeling vulnerable.

FEAR keeps people from love IMHO.

Excellent post.  My xW is exactly like this.

[Albatross]

Reducing cognitive dissonance

Cognitive dissonance theory is founded on the assumption that individuals seek consistency between their expectations and their reality. Because of this, people engage in a process called dissonance reduction to bring their cognitions and actions in line with one another. This creation of uniformity allows for a lessening of psychological tension and distress.

So, LBS expect what was normal before spouse crisis. Reality is that LBS spouse wanna runaway from marriage. Dissonance between spouses is huge.

According to Festinger, dissonance reduction can be achieved in three ways:

Attitude: "I will detach self from codependency of my MLCer spouse."
Behavior: "Pursuing spouse who wanna distance. Focusing on him."

1. Change behavior/cognition  "Stop pursuing spouse and focus on self."
2. Justify behavior/cognition by changing the conflicting cognition   "It is right, we belongs to each other, we make vows to each other, we have kids, 20 years of marriage."
3. Justify behavior/cognition by adding new cognitions  "I will seek for psychological help, antidepressants.

[Albatross]

Cognitive Dissonance

Definition:
Cognitive Dissonance - A psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who is in MLC often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

Uncomfortable Realities:
Cognitive Dissonance occurs whenever a person is confronted with information which conflicts with their own world view. For someone with a MLC, this includes evidence their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

Confronted by evidence which contradicts their values or beliefs, a person (LBS and MLCer) is forced to make an uncomfortable choice:
    -To hold to their belief and disregard the data they have been presented with or
    -To modify their beliefs and risk having to re-evaluate their world view, their choices and their character.

What that means ? Change of self to cope on healthy way with reality. We know that MLCer wont do it until he/she don't leave replay.

What it feels like:
People who are experiencing cognitive dissonance may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. They may also alternate between periods of denial and periods of admission when they try to compensate or make amends.

LBS often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their spouse is not behaving in a loving way toward them. This may contradict their belief or desire that their family is healthy or "normal".

They may also experience cognitive dissonance when they discover that their own reactions or responses to challenging behavior on the part of a family member do not reveal their best side. They may display occasional angry outbursts, actions of deception or retribution, such as violence, shouting, name calling, sabotage, affairs, gossip and slander. Following such actions they may feel shameful, worthless or powerless. They may feel regret that they have handed justification for bad behavior to the abusive person in their home. They may even blame themselves for contributing to the abuse and dysfunction in the home.

What NOT to do:
If you experience cognitive dissonance as a LBS:
- Don't blame yourself or shame yourself for having had contradictory thoughts or assumptions. Everybody has them. They are an important part of growth and learning.
- Don't assume that because you have been wrong or mistaken about one thing that you are wrong and mistaken about everything. Accept your errors for what they are and learn from them.
- Don't consider yourself worthless, useless or powerless.
- on't try to over-compensate for your weaknesses by over steering in the direction of your strengths. Try to love and accept the whole you.
- Don't go into denial about things which are plain facts. Try to accept the truth and learn from it.
- Don't make any big announcements, dramatic gestures or life decisions while you are feeling emotional. Wait until you have had time to think and consider your options.

If a Your MLC spouse experiences cognitive dissonance, and they do:
- Don't take advantage of them by preaching, pontificating or nagging. Nobody likes that.
- Don't mock, ridicule, shame or criticize another person who is struggling, no matter how much you may feel they deserve it.
- Don't be surprised if they engage in denial, desperately seek an "out" or rationalize away flawed thinking, poor choices or unkind behavior.
- Don't blame yourself for another person's behaviors, words or beliefs. That's their stuff.
- Don't condone abusive behavior or speech. Protect yourself and children.
- Don't engage in circular arguments or thought policing.


What TO do:
If you experience cognitive dissonance as a LBS:
- Forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. It's not wrong to be wrong. Everyone who has ever lived has personal struggles.
- Take advantage of the opportunity for growth that comes from learning something new about yourself.
- Open your mind. Take advantage of the opportunity to see things from a totally different perspective.
- Get support. Talk to trusted friends, family and professionals who can help you work it out.

If a MLCer spouse experiences cognitive dissonance, and they do:
- Give them space to explore their own thoughts.
- Encourage, support and validate them where appropriate.
- Accept that they have a right to have their own thoughts and feelings, even if you think they are "wrong".
- Find a supportive environment where you will independently feel validated and nurtured.
- Take care of yourself, regardless of what level of encouragement the MLCer gives you.

[Ready2Transform]

Great posts, thank you for these!

[Albatross]

"Humans are not a rational animal, but a rationalizing one" - Leon Festinger

In psychology and logic, rationalization (also known as making excuses) is a NEUROTIC defense mechanism in which perceived controversial behaviors or feelings are logically justified and explained in a rational or logical manner in order to avoid any true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable – or even admirable and superior – by plausible means. Rationalization encourages irrational or unacceptable behavior, motives, or feelings and often involves ad hoc hypothesizing. This process ranges from fully conscious (e.g. to present an external defense against ridicule from others) to mostly unconscious (e.g. to create a block against internal feelings of guilt).

People rationalize for various reasons. Rationalization may differentiate the original deterministic explanation of the behavior or feeling in question. Sometimes rationalization occurs when we think we know ourselves better than we do. It is also an informal fallacy of reasoning.

What that means ? That we aren't so different then animals, we rationalize our primitive urges to achieve what we want.

[The lighthouse]

Albatross, your post on 25 February describes my H's childhood and his subsequent reaction to it.  My question is, if they are like this is there ever any hope that they can change and behave differently or is it just a lost cause?

[Albatross]

Albatross, your post on 25 February describes my H's childhood and his subsequent reaction to it.  My question is, if they are like this is there ever any hope that they can change and behave differently or is it just a lost cause?

MLCers are people who never grown up in psychological therm of meaning. And they live like they are without dynamic adaptation to the world because their personal growth stuck in deadlock, in their youth until middle age when they gather so many problems and unresolved issues and they can't go forward anymore. Middle age is very demanding time with a lot of new challenges. If person haven't inner strength to answer on new period of life they stuck in nowhere, can't go forward neither backward in time. Since they haven't ability to change self before middle age, they have to fall apart.

I strongly believe that they can, at least majority of them. Point is how much time they stuck in escape and avoid, replay ? Some of them spend all life energy and wallow long time possibly til end of their life. So, point is how much time LBS is able or willing to stand ?