[patience.of.a.saint]

My MLCer used to help me pick out colors of wall paint and his ideas were really good. He'd always tell me not to think he was gay because he liked that kind of thing. I know now that he is very creative...if only I could've convinced him to do more with it...

As for my exH, I wondered right away when he left if he was gay. He took two showers a day...and worked an office job in a collection call center so not like he got dirty...and not like he was in the public eye. He spent more time moussing his hair than I do...always needed it cut just right. His socks always needed to match his shirt. It all seemed kinda girly to me. Sorry guys.

[nah]

As I said, it's just a thought that has gone through my mind and a few other mens minds that I know that know about the situation.

He is probably bi...the gay clubs are usually about 50% married men.

As for the clothes though, that is MLC.

When husband was just going into the tunnel we were vacationing in Miami and went into a designer shop.  I tried on a dress that was shorter and tighter than I would normally wear.  There was a (male) customer that saw me looking in the 3-way and said, "wow, girl, you just have to buy that dress.  You look smoking hot".  Husband walked up (in the past he would have been jealous) but this time he said, "maybe 20 years ago, where the hell are you going to wear that?"

I left empty handed and he bought $400 bedazzled designer jeans b/c the gay salesman said his butt looked good in them.  Looking back,  it was one of the first signs. 

[in it]

My 2nd husband was gay unbeknownet to me..hair was a huge priority. Wore velvet pants (this was after we were married) and sex became non existant.

Marriage only lasted 9 months.

[nah]

I had a friend that stuck it out for years.  They only had sex once, the night they were married.  I feel bad for the men who feel like they have to hide like that. 

[Medusa]

I swear, and please don't take this wrong, but I sometimes wonder if h is struggling with his sexuality.  I could be wrong, but that has been nagging at me since right after this happened. 

Same, TMT. I have thought for at least half of my marriage that mine was molested as a kid, and occasionally be would exhibit bisexual tendencies.

[patience.of.a.saint]

I was told the other day that it "always" took him 20 minutes to get me to the point where we could even have sex. Now, I always enjoyed what he did in those 20 minutes, and well who the heck is going to give up a little foreplay to jump his bones and have it over right away? Sure as heck, not me!  He told me it's good to just do it and get it over fast sometimes...I'd sure hate to be the OW if that's his current lovemaking scheme. She can have him, if that's the case.

I told him I had always enjoyed what we did, but if he did not, then ok. He quickly replied "I enjoyed all of it." So if he enjoyed all of it, why the heck is he with speedy and not home with me? A 20 min warmup is a pretty lame complaint, if you ask me.

[nah]

I'm very curious how sex plays in all this. 

Through most of our marriage from when I was in my late 20's until about a year or two before he left, I was the chaser.  Quickie, marathon, I didn't care.  In my mid-forties I started getting fibroids so sometimes it was painful.  I was still in but it did slow down.  When I say slow down I mean 1-2x a week instead of almost everyday.  He told a friend that we didn't have sex for a year.  Big lie.  In a letter he said, "I was afraid of us becoming roommates so I couldn't hang out with you anymore.  That's what I miss the most".  Huh??  He never said anything until after he left.  The last time we had sex he couldn't "make it happen".  That NEVER happened before, I backed off, I didn't want to embarrass him.  We never talked about it.  BD was a few weeks later.  BD was a very short conversation but he started with, "you know this has not been a good year"...I said, "I thought we were having medical problems, you know about my fibriods"  He looked surprised, like he never heard the word before. 

When I packed his things a few days after BD I found a huge bag of Viagra in his nightstand.  I'm talking hundreds of packs of them, how many did he need?  So I get a new person is exciting.  Why did he need Viagra?  I know it gives him a headache so he can't take it all the time. 

I think were I'm going is, so this girl was new and so he got his "mojo" back.  How long can that last?  I slowed down but lets face it, 1-2xs a week is still more than average.  I really think this girl is after his money so how long until she just falls into a routine of not pursuing?  That is what he is use to with me.  Just more questions that I will never get the answer.

[MeNow]

In time nah, in time.

[patience.of.a.saint]

Nah, mine has to take some kind of pill he buys at the sex toy store. He makes it sound like now he can go twice in one night, but in reality, he needs it to go even once. He never needed anything with me. His stuff quit working almost immediately after BD. I think it's got to be an attraction/connection thing. His OW is not at all the type he would've looked at twice before...definite affair down there...she is much bigger, not really cute, dresses in hoodies & jeans & baseball caps...overall just looks like a guy with long hair. He and I had such a good connection, as we went for long walks and talked a lot. I kinda get the impression that he really doesn't have that with her. He tells me he falls asleep on the couch a lot while watching tv...mostly it seems they are drinking/smoking buddies who live in the same house...and apparently have quickies.

[ShadesofGrey]

Can't top the 'have sex with someone, as long as his Pen!$ isn't bigger than mine' comment--funniest of all time, but here's what I got on/shortly after bomb drop:

"When we decided not to have kids, I thought we would be this dynamic couple that traveled the world." I guess our trips to New Zealand, Africa and Europe don't qualify.

"We are like 70 year olds shuffling through Costco." We've never been to Costco together.

"You like to eat dinner way too early. Pretty soon you'll want to go to the early bird special at 4:30 and be in bed by 7." 

And here's a classic from one of his emails:
"I am taking time to reflect and feel all of this day by day. My future, your future, everything….  I think it is the only way it can be and I honestly believe this process is better felt apart. As I said, I believe what has been and continues to be missing with us is not something you think, deliberate, discuss, and talk thru to resolution.  If that were the case, I believe our forthright relationship would have sorted and completed this process a while ago.  I believe feelings must be consciously felt and naturally acted upon with some level of heartfelt desire and consistency, a clear choice fueled by an unseen but tangible knowing.  We should not have to think/talk our way to such feeling and action as this lacks authenticity and fairness for both of us."

Is that a bunch of BS? some of my favorite parts..."our forthright relationship" and "a clear choice fueled by an unseen but tangible knowing". I assume what he's talking about is that he doesn't want to have sex with me but boy-oh-boy is he having fun in the sack with OW. No deep conversation required.  GEEZ!