[patience.of.a.saint]

I had nice guy and went to bad boy...but my nice guy was only interested in music and movies and didn't care what I was interested in...and he always agreed with every. single. thing. I ever wanted to do, like around the house or trips,etc. In my case, nice was boring...no spark, no challenge, just nice...and boring.

Ouch.  That was me.  Truth hurts, so I will take the truth dart.  I understand this is a process for us to change and grow as much as our MLCers.  At least I can recognize my faults and failures and strive to be better.  It does not make this process any less painful however.

-T

Now don't go turning all bad boy on us! Just don't be so agreeable to everything...speak up if you have an opinion. It can be done politely. I never liked being the only one who decided things for us. The phrases "whatever you want to do is fine" or "I don't care" REALLY bother me....always made me feel like he didn't care enough about us to put his own thoughts out there. My S14 does it now and I am trying my hardest to break that kid of the habit. It's funny because I think he surprises himself when he actually has an opinion...and I can see that it gives him a little boost of confidence.

[terrified_in_TN]

Good thing you said that, I was just about to run out to the tattoo parlor, then head to the hood for some smack LOL...

One thing I have to say in defense of us nice guys...I said a LOT of the "whatever you want to do", or "I don't care" statements.  It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that what you would like to do is more important to me than what I might like to do.  As long as I am with you, then that is all that matters to me.

-T

[living with Hope]

T -

I was the same as you.  I was happy just being together as a couple or as a family. When it was important enough to me to ask for something different, then I did. But generally I went with the flow and followed his lead on stuff.

[patience.of.a.saint]

Hmmm...I don't know. Maybe it comes from watching my mom all these years. She lives with white walls and 1970's furniture and makes the same 7 meals each week because she went with the flow. She wishes for colored walls where you can tell there's a color, not a tinted white or builder beige. She'd like new furniture or to have me paint hers...she posts recipes she'll never try on FB...all because she goes with the flow. Yet, she would never make it without my dad. They have been married 42 years and my dad likes to say "this is how they always do it", be it how a certain thing is cooked or what color the walls are...we eat the same salads at holidays, the same rice krispie bars for any occasion calling for bars. Birthday supper will either be lasagna or homemade pizza. I asked for different bars once and was told to leave my mom alone, that she likes making those bars. The woman posts new bar recipes on FB every day...don't tell me she'd like to make the same old bars she's been making for the last 42 years. She's "fine with it". UGh! I can't do that. Life is too short to just go with the flow.

Sorry...off my soapbox now. I think in moderation, going with the flow can be just fine...I've just  witnessed it to the extreme my entire life and just came to the realization about it in this last year.

[Darth Obo]

I had nice guy and went to bad boy...but my nice guy was only interested in music and movies and didn't care what I was interested in...and he always agreed with every. single. thing. I ever wanted to do, like around the house or trips,etc. In my case, nice was boring...no spark, no challenge, just nice...and boring.

^^^^^Classic beta! great for creating the comfort & stability needed for a safe relationship! But yea.....boring!

Now, my bad boy was nice too, but he could add his own ideas & sometimes they were better than mine. He could tease & get teased and so there was always a spark. He was charming, could throw a wink at me the moment I looked at him. We had chemistry...we still do, but I think it scares him. He's big, shaves his head bald, has tattoos...the whole nine yards. He's a teddy bear if you're the right person....my D12 has him wrapped around her little pinky. lol

^^^^^Classic Alpha; creates the attraction and makes the "lady parts" tingle! But, get's annoying after a while with no substance!

What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!


I've been busy; missed out on all the "diamond cutting" conversation! Bummer! 


DO

[in it]

A balance between the two would be nice. I love spontinaity..in just about anything. Maybe some flexiblity?..negoitating?..compromise?

Yep that diamond cutting conversation was interesting...

[terrified_in_TN]

What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!


I've been busy; missed out on all the "diamond cutting" conversation! Bummer! 


DO

I guess that is EXACTLY what happened in my m. I represent stability and "boringness", especially these last few years. OM represents excitement the bad boy persona, the "alpha" if you will. I guess that mlc pendulum swung way the hell over in my case. I think as u said d.o. a comfortable r/m is somewhere in between. But isnt that what this process is all about?

-T

[toomanytearss]

What's the point? These are not two extremes to be either one or the other, gentlemen! You have to have them both as traits and exercise them frequently! Ladies need the security of a kind and gentle man, but also need to be challenged and excited frequently! A bit of "aggressiveness" and proper "man-handling" at the appropriate times seems to work wonderfully!!

Bingo.  I think that was part of the problem in my sitch.  H is a bad boy, but he was all sweet with me, but then it turned into doing whatever I wanted, never speaking up, having no voice.  That wasn't my choice, just how he started doing it, all in the name of making me happy.  But it didn't.  Just wanted him to be himself, speak his mind, have his own opinions, even if it might have caused poor little old me to not agree.  OMG!!!!  But he went to the no conflict thing which really just created more conflict. 

[in it]

Yep finding a balance somewhere between the two..I felt like the man in the relationship...sick of it.

Second time couldn't get him to take responsiblity for anything including the money.

He couldn't allow me to trust him with the one last thing I had to cling to. Wanted me to worry and ask for money even though I was giving him what I had every month from a rental property..now tell me what maid pays you to live with them?

He drained the account twice and got out of the fees..then the third time wanted me to go to the bank and ask that the fee be waived I told him "No I don't handle the money" He seemed quite offended by that...GROW UP!

[Darth Obo]

A balance between the two would be nice. I love spontinaity..in just about anything. Maybe some flexiblity?..negoitating?..compromise?

Of course, that's all part of it. that's called COMMUNICATING that is lost in so many of our stories and in most marriages in general!

Bingo.  I think that was part of the problem in my sitch.  H is a bad boy, but he was all sweet with me, but then it turned into doing whatever I wanted, never speaking up, having no voice.  That wasn't my choice, just how he started doing it, all in the name of making me happy.  But it didn't.  Just wanted him to be himself, speak his mind, have his own opinions, even if it might have caused poor little old me to not agree.  OMG!!!!  But he went to the no conflict thing which really just created more conflict. 

TMT, Thanks for posting that! Proves my point! He "pedestalized" you and my guess is that put a lot of pressure on you in decision-making! A lot of times, this can make you feel like the bar is too high and unattainable.

Yep finding a balance somewhere between the two..I felt like the man in the relationship...sick of it.

Second time couldn't get him to take responsiblity for anything including the money.

In It, thanks for your post too! Between you & TMT, what you are basically saying is your men did not stand up and lead the family or relationship. I don't mean that in a derogatory way; these are just the natural traditional roles that have biologically driven us from the beginning! I know many here have strong religious faith; I believe the bible even speaks of these things!

I did it too, I was a Military Man for 22 years. Probably one of the most "alpha" jobs you can have! But when I got home, I always deferred! this is more common than you think!

But not anymore. I will never be passive like that again! If I ever get asked which curtains I like for the bedroom, it's going to be "yes, those are a nice" and "No, those are horrendous; I never want to see those hanging anywhere in my house!" 

Well, went way off topic from the intent of this thread, but good conversation & points of view none the less! Gotta be careful though....I remember what happened that last time this thread got derailed! LOL! 


DO