[sleepless]

Ran across the following discussion about the "Fifty Shades of Grey" book. Made me think about how the MLCer cannot handle reality so they go after the fairy tale. Also thought about how during childhood the fairy tales definitely were much better than reality for those with FOO issues.

And yes, my STBXW read the book a couple years ago.

Count the blessings you have.

kellys19 21 months ago


you r not alone. in my case man who loved me deeply made me aware of that. i had to let him go. we were both married . we had very platonic relationship even though he wanted to be also physical. the time we spend together had more meaning in my emotional sphere , the love that he gave me that 25 years with my husband. i am angry- yes, but more fullfiled than before. i need him so much , but i no longer have contact with him. i miss him terribly.



Fedupwife 20 months ago


You're not alone... I never had a Mr Grey but I soooo want one, or something close. I dont care about money or material things whatsoever but I long to be loved and adored like Anastasia... I've been in a loveless, lifeless and practically sexless marriage for nearly 10years. My husband is a good man but i am no longer inlove with him, infact i don't know if i ever was. He was my childhood sweetheart and the only man i've ever been with so i have nothing to compare to but anythings gotta be better than this. We have two amazing children who we both adore and this makes it harder to end my marriage but i am so unhappy, I cry myself to sleep everynight and it's got to the point where i can't even look at my husband and I certainly can't bare for him to touch me... I know my husband is nolonger inlove with me but he is a proud man and has told me in nouncertain terms will he end our marriage or agree to let me do it and I know he would make my life hell if I did... I just long to be loved unconditionally and for who I am.


messedupmum profile image

messedupmum 20 months ago Hub Author


Sadly for many couples this is how we live. Not because we dont hate each other, but because there seems to be no other option. This series of books has only highlighted areas of our lives that have been missing. And you are so right its not the material things, the money or even the sex. Its the adoration, the care and the fact that Christian thinks about Ana constantly that we are missing. We get so tied up in caring for others.. that no one takes care of us. Fedupwife - there are so many of us out there married to good men - but so trapped. big hugs to you.



kellys19 20 months ago


I am in very not in love with my husband marriage. He gives me no emotional support, no affection ,no passion ,no romance, no how r u, no how was your day. The only thing he is good at is silence or weather. We do not talk about our marriage and how we feel for 25 years. When I try to talk about it he wants a divorce. He is in denial, but only tells me that we r perfect couple. I want to cry. I have knots in my stomach when I think how unhappy I am. He is good man for a different woman. We have 3 children and it is hard to leave. I am hoping that my life will change maybe and he will realise how miserable I am. To Fedupwife - I understand your situation too well.




Pjaydog 19 months ago


Hi Messedupmum, I wondered if you would be willing to talk publicly about your latest post? Is there a way we can get in touch so I can discuss this with you? Perhaps through email and somewhere less public.

Best wishes,

Pamela


trusouldj profile image

trusouldj 18 months ago from Indiana Level 2 Commenter


Kelly and Fedupwife ... It works both ways. I've started to feel like "Mrs. Roper" from Three's Company.



Zeiks 18 months ago


After reading these comments...faith in humanity reduced to -100. Yes please let a book make you regret and be unhappy with your life.



A males view 17 months ago


oh my god.. talk to your husbands before its too late. Have any of you ever thought that the way you are feeling after reading these books and getting rejected is the way your husbands may have been feeling for your entire marriages.. My feeling for eroticism have been continually suppressed until now, and I had the best sex I've ever had today with my wife, after accidentally finding out that she's been sexting her fantasies with another man and didn't have the courage to talk to me. Talk to your husbands and mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! before its too late.



A second males view 17 months ago


Are you kidding me? This is exactly why men should not marry women in the first place. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, women are so self-centered. Guess what? If he adored you like you wanted, you'd love him just as less as you do now. HEED my words boys! Don't get married or this could be you. The good news is, at your age and with kids, no one like Christian Grey is going to find you attractive, ever. So go ahead and take half of what is yours (probably more) and set out on your noble quest to find Mr. Grey, but know that us attractive men will not touch you with a 10 foot poll!



noexcusesnow 16 months ago


I cannot believe that reading someone's fantasy descriptions of a man could be uses by partners to "realize" how bad their live have been. Open you eyes to the emotional con job you are submitting yourselves to! This perfect man has never existed nor will he ever exist. But hey if you want to destroy what you already have, dwell daily on your partners lack compared to mister perfect romance stud, and you will surly get even more frustrated with your life go deeper into relationship depression i grantee you!



Dan 14 months ago


Something for nothing. Its the american dream right. You want your relationships to work, but you don't want to work at them. It should be free, and fairy tale like. Just like all the princess stories you were spoon fed as someones child once upon a time. And since you have all those mother duties and responsibilities in life the man should just forget he's working his face off too and you should never talk to each other about any of the taboo problems your facing. That would make sense, and we can't allow that ever.

You chose a mate to be with, you chose to give that mate children. You are committed at this point, and your only two options are to run away to another relationship(which you think could never go wrong right?) or realize that this thing called reality needs to set in. You owe it to your man to inform him things need to improve and you won't settle, he'll wake up and listen.



A very sad man 14 months ago


Well I am going through this right now. My wife read 50 shades and then completely changed after. I found out she was sending pictures of herself to guys she met on fetlife. So then I try doing the counseling thing and it seems to be working until she continues another online relationship with another man. I read the book and did all the things the therapist asked me to do and it did not work. I have two young children and love my wife with all my heart. A twelve year relationship down the tubes. And two children caught in the middle.

Instead of telling me her feelings she choose to lie, be deceptive, and put our family at risk having relationships with other men in the BDSM lifestyle.

I may not have been the best husband but I have always been there for my family. I work hard everyday to provide for my wife and kids. To me that is true love.

Unfortunately I feel like used goods now. Wish she would have just come to me and said that she was not happy. I really would have tried to please her because I love her so much.

Our marriage counselor told me that she is seeing so many marriages and relationships being ruined by this book. It really makes me sad because there is no one out there who is going to give you happiness if you are not truly happy with yourself.



 
SidKemp profile image
SidKemp 14 months ago from Boca Raton, Florida (near Miami and Palm Beach)


Thanks for your honesty - you're in a tough spot. But nothing can ruin your marriage except you or your husband, by not caring, or by giving up. I know, I've been there. Many marriages with problems like yours have been saved by a woman willing to learn love more deeply and make them work. You can find some of the stories in Five-Love-Language... .

You know what is best for you. Whether you make your marriage work or move on, I wish you success in love.



Another very sad man 13 months ago


Ten years down the drain. Two young children permanently scarred. I was in Afghanistan when she read the books, and I wanted to be supportive and see if we could work some of those aspects into our life when I came home. She didn't wait and started a relationship with another man. For the last five months I tried to get her to work on fixing things with me. But the fantasy of what could be, is stronger than what is. No man can compete with a fantasy. She moved out this weekend. I actually helped her do it. I love her, but that just isn't enough.



someone really disturbed 5 months ago


okay...this is plainly sick...you lot are DESTROYING your marriages because you wish some young, filthy rich, "well endowed", acculturated and whatever "perfect" man out of that book to someday knock at your door asking to be his? please...PLEASE! tell me this is a parody site, tell me that you are not leaving YOUR CHILDREN BEHIND to live some teenage-like sexual fantasy just like that! I have read every comment expecting someone telling me that "It looked real" before explaining that everything was a parody...people? do you know that THIS...THING (I refuse to call it a book in respect of REAL writers) used to be a fanfiction? about twilight nonetheless? a story written by some delusional person daydreaming? you are sickening me, I swear that if it was possible I would gladly slap you just like your mothers apparently refused to do to teach you the difference between fiction and FANTASY.

to those men that even trying to mend their "mistakes" were forced to see the women they loved, the women they saw as the most important thing in the world run away behind some "Grey" perfect man...you have all my support, for all that is worth, to me you are not at fault, you tried to change, you tried to "adjust the situation", you did your part, it's your partner that should have done the same.

I pity you woman that read this THING, I pity your being so frail that at the first "description of a perfect relationship" you throw away REAL love, you woman didn't understood a thing about Life, live your Fantasy, I won't bother you since I am NOT Mr. Grey, and I thank God everyday for that.

to every men damaged by this "Book" I am sorry for my outburst, you are not at fault if your pleas about talking weren't listened, I just wanted to take this out of my system, I hope you will find back your happiness.

with all my respect and love, my friends.




mreister 3 months ago


thank you "someone really disturbed" .. The whole subject gets my heart racing in a terrible way to the point that it's hard to sleep.. The attitude that its just a book and a husband is overreacting if he doesn't like it or gets upset about it, is complete bs. here's a scenario, what if your husband was reading and getting excited about about a woman whos V@g!n@ could make him feel so much more pleasure than yours could. especially if you already felt insecurity in that area. I could go on and on but I am to disturbed. its just evil, like porn, and worse in many ways (which is also much more damaging for men) the pig Author should be ashamed



belleart profile image

belleart 2 months ago from Ireland Level 2 Commenter


Im a little confused, I thought this was going to be a great subject becasue the truth is, this book is causing soo many problems...however, what Ive found is a group of women that are trying to live a fantasy life based on some teenage fan fiction. Mr grey is not the perfect man, nor is he anything like the sort of man that can have a serious and loving relationship, never mind a family.

He is sadistic, dominating in all areas of life, not just sexually, and treats Ana like a prostitute....he buys her nice clothes and gets ehr the dream job and for what?? So she can take part in his sadomasochistic humiliating sex games....

[Resilient]

Ran across the following discussion about the "Fifty Shades of Grey" book. Made me think about how the MLCer cannot handle reality so they go after the fairy tale. Also thought about how during childhood the fairy tales definitely were much better than reality for those with FOO issues.

And yes, my STBXW read the book a couple years ago.

Count the blessings you have.

I stopped reading at roughly 50 pages, and quite frankly it was painfully boring to even make it to that point.  This is one of those fluff romance novels written for housewives.   It's pure fiction, based on a man who had an extremely dysfunctional upbringing.  In fact it was if I remember correctly, a kinky relationship with an older woman that possibly saved him from doing damage to himself and/or ruin.  (sorry if that is not exact, for my mind blocked it... It was so pathetic.)  Just goes to show what the typical housewife will assume is real?   Must be many out there that are naive... imagining their perfect man.   I wouldn't feel to bad if your wife went looking for this.  She is in for a rude awakening especially if she is searching online for it online.  It's a recipe for disappointment!

Men are prone to fantasy also.  They see ladies enduring goodness knows what in all types of acrobatic positions and then when their wife won't hang upside down (lol) or are too "wussy" for extremes, they imagine the world has a bounty of those women out there...

And so we now add that to the perfect MLC storm... Fantasy... Be it porn or Grey Guys...  Nuts eh?

[sleepless]

Maybe we see it as fluff because we can identify fantasy as fantasy. Some who grew up having to cope by denying reality may be wired to see fantasy as a goal.

[Searching4Answers]

This is my H's fantasy that he desperately trying to attain right now. He is going to be in for a very rude awakening when fantasy and reality crash into each other.

[Resilient]

This is my H's fantasy that he desperately trying to attain right now. He is going to be in for a very rude awakening when fantasy and reality crash into each other.

Searching4Answers,

He won't be the only one that is looking to attain a Mr Grey Status.  What these guys don't get is its not the actions, but a mindset, and that mindset cannot be taught or copied from porn or others on cookie cutter websites.   He will be one of thousands (yup there are that many out there), that say later... Why isn't this working for me?  Guess why, it's not dress up/play... He's walked for over 40 years in vanilla shoes and now he is going to put on a new pair.. that simple?  This is real life! If it wasn't such a waste of precious time (life is short) it would be amusing.

So he woke up one day and decided that he wants to be a dominant man? Let me guess here for a moment... He never felt like he was in charge with you... its all the wife's fault... um hum... very very weak conclusion to come to.   

So what typ-a-gal does he say he is aiming for eh? 

[Darth Obo]

My wife and all her friends read this book.....all these women do down here is talk about the movie coming out. What a crock of sh!t....lol!

More power to them I guess!


OBO

[Searching4Answers]

This is my H's fantasy that he desperately trying to attain right now. He is going to be in for a very rude awakening when fantasy and reality crash into each other.

So he woke up one day and decided that he wants to be a dominant man? Let me guess here for a moment... He never felt like he was in charge with you... its all the wife's fault... um hum... very very weak conclusion to come to.   

He says this is what he has always wanted! I get that he likes it and has fantasies about it but it doesn't work in real life. He thinks that this is what is missing in his life; what will make him happy! I am open to exploring but after 16 years he announces that this is what he is going to do an I can't stop him! We didn't have a discussion - I was told this is happening whether I like it or not! Completely selfish, self absorbed MLCer.

So what typ-a-gal does he say he is aiming for eh? 

A very dumb one and he found her a month prior to his announcement (BD). He has even told me how dumb she is! Yet he keeps going right back to her. She must be some prize. What guy wouldn't a women that would fulfill his every fantasy!

[Resilient]

My wife and all her friends read this book.....all these women do down here is talk about the movie coming out. What a crock of sh!t....lol!

More power to them I guess!


OBO

It's not even based on reality... That's the thing.  It's a watered down version that has people going out to find something, and in effect it's a something that isn't even vaguely similar.  It's like they picked a man who was abused and gave it a BDSM twist to it.   It's a very strange book to put it mildly. 

But then again there are lots of strange people out there that believe all they read as the how to of kink.  Very strange indeed.   

I guess if your wife or husband is following the script on that one, then you could use that knowledge to turn the tables... himmm.  After all if they are clinging to that fantasy....  Well if you want any ideas ladies and gents... Just ask... wink/lol.

Resilient

[Resilient]

He thinks that this is what is missing in his life; what will make him happy! I am open to exploring but after 16 years he announces that this is what he is going to do an I can't stop him! We didn't have a discussion - I was told this is happening whether I like it or not! Completely selfish, self absorbed MLCer.

I'd just go ahead and get a serious and sensual book on this subject, for a small glimpse of the binder/title.. maybe sticking out of your purse.  Then have it vanish.  Then when mr newbie gray wanna be, comments... Say oh I know you are new at that stuff, and first learning....  a newbie.    Then add... Ya know this type of thing requires earned respect, can't just do it with anyone?   (Then no more conversation/or book to be found)

I'd like to be a fly on the wall to see his face. 

Resilient

[Albatross]

My W read that book and next one in spring last year in time when she hunt OM2. I believe those people do what ever they did not before marriage but they want to do and scared how people see them after that in that time or haven't guts (self esteem) to do it or superego was to strong, uptight people - not spontaneous . Perhaps all together.