[Battlefield]

Thanks Stayed,
Husband is not here at the moment, but we have discussed this in depth.  Yes, he felt there was no way back.  Especially, after his final "debacle"!  He considered that a MISSED opportunity and felt he had done SO MUCH DAMAGE, there was just no way we could overcome the DAMGE done.

After his final "mess", he completely resigned himself to a life with OW.  Felt it was all he had left.  Plus, OW ended her trip at home (Texas) and came rushing back to Luxembourg, in an attempt to talk him out of leaving her and returning to me.  He felt her actions showed him "true love", beyond the call of duty $hit, so felt he OWED it to her, to stay.  He felt NOBODY had ever put him so much BEFORE themselves, like that action did... arghhhhhhhhhhhh  , the minds of an MLCer are very rattled!

I feel my H is in the same place, he has made a comment or two to his mom in the past the last time he returned he had told his mom that he feels then that he had done to much damage to get back what we had. Now that was before he ran for the last time he really messed up that time, Saying all he did to come back and I do know he did mean it at the moment but doesn't make it any easier and my kids just do not understand this. They are just done totally with their Dad. The last time I was the one who put everything he owns on the porch and moved all my stuff into the big closet that he had. I know that made a big statement to him among some other things, then I found this website which has changed a lot for me.
I do know that until he is ready he will do what he needs to, to get back what he wants the most in life which is his family.
For now life is for me and my kids!!!!

Just Pray!

[stayed]

That's right Smitty, he has to fix himself,  if he wants you all back.  You and the kids must get on with your life.  Live it "as if" he might never return. 

This is your opportunity to truly evaluate what you had, what you want, and where you want to be.  If your h does return, it will be a lot different then the other times, as now he will have to change in order to fit in. 

Once we discover our individuality, we don't ever give it away again.  Unfortunately, the old marriage simply will not be good enough anymore, if he had not done what he did, you most likely would never have bothered to change anything.  Like most of us, you probably had thought, that that's how marriage became.  Now you know differently. 

Never settle for less then what you deserve.  That does not mean you can not and will not compromise, there are always compromises... but there will be definite limits that will be very much focused on YOUR needs.

I guess, the one thing that most people don't want to talk about in here, GETTING BACK THE OLD spouse, just wasn't good enough for me anymore.  If he could not effect the changes within himself, like I had within myself, then I was not afraid to walk away. 

I understand that most people's objective is to save their marriage, but for me, just being MARRIED was not going to be enough.  I had not LIKED the man who had cheated on me and betrayed everything I believed in.  I did not like that man who had no honour and could not RESIST the allure of a raunchy experience. 

I wanted a honorable, reliable COMPANION, someone who cared as much about my needs as I did about his.  I don't like the word NEED... it seems like a selfish, self centered word, but there is no getting away from it, we all have NEEDS and EXPECTATIONS. 

If my h could not respect, honour and appreciate ALL of me, as I am, then I simply did not want him.  He has lived up to my expectations and more since his return, but it didn't happen immediately.   

I am ever vigilant against any sign/s of "slippage", as I will not have any part of the man he was, during his crisis. 

hugs Stayed...

[Battlefield]

Stayed,
That is how I feel and how I am thinking about this whole thing, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me possibly with my thinking
I did have a great marriage my husband never (until now) disrespected me never even raised his voice to me in 23y We confided in eachother always and liked to b together, but slowly he started pulling away from all of us has his job changed and become so stressful something happened with his boss and him which threw him into a tail spin and down ward spiral.
Looking at it through my eyes now I see the things that need to change I did everything in this family pay all the bills solely take care of the kids so he could focus on his job and well I helped get him where he is today. But not that, that matters bc really Look where I am now!
He needed to b a part of our family and put God and family above his job. He has made statements now that he did push us away and put his job above all else.
I am well aware he will never b the same but neither will I and I am looking at the positive not the negative in this journey, yeah it's a horrible thing to go through but my path has been paved by the Lord and in the end my marriage and family will b better than ever.
Living for me now see where it leads.

[DCD]

Hi Stayed!

firstly, i'm SUPER JEALOUS that you all are going to be partying in lux - i hope you have a blast!

i would like to pick your brain about not so fun stuff, if'n you don't mind 

for the first time this past weekend, my husband said that he would like to work on our marriage if i was still interested.  there is an OW - as far as I know, and im pretty convinced, he hasn't told her this yet.  i know that this will likely happen several times over the next long while, the back and forth between us while he decides if immediate "happiness" outweighs a lifetime of real happiness that will take time and effort to get.   

i really want to let him know that i am the "soft place to land" but i don't want to be a doormat about it either.  while he is still in any way involved with her, he will not have the magic that is me, that's for sure - but what should i be doing to "pave the way" in the meantime?  it's so very obvious that i in no way pursue him.  he mentioned after telling me he was willing to work things out that i could message him because he really looks forward to getting them from me.  i dunno, i'm so suspicious of everything right now...i wonder if at times he is setting me up in some way, pitting me against her in his sick little fantasy life:  oh look...a message from my wife - so, ow, what are you going to do to outshine her, huh?   

i haven't been at this for very long AT ALL - initial BD was in July 2010 when he told me he was leaving "to be by himself and work things out for himself" and then he left in August.  BD#2 - OW - was just last weekend, Mar 13.  This last little conversation where he stated he wanted to work things out was just this past Saturday, a week after BD#2, supermoon, and his and OW's shared birthday.  i'm not sure how she'll react when and IF he tells her that he's going to work on his marriage. 

for the first time in awhile, i feel so off-centre and i don't know how to proceed.  my game plan is to continue with how i've been:  no r talks, no questions, only responding to what he says, pleasant, kind, but distant.  i feel as though i now need to introduce some affection or something because of comments he made very recently.  i asked him during BD#2 why all the hugs, kisses, when he comes over and why the coffees and pastries in the a.m. when he comes to be with our son so i can leave for work (a little aside on this one:  just before we started dating, while we were "courting", he would meet me every morning before work with a heated, buttered mini carrot loaf...this started to remind me of that time), and he said he did those things to see if i still had feelings for him - just ask, dumba$$!  however, having stated that, a lot of this stuff started AFTER he went physical with her....so i'm guessing guilt.  he still denies feelings for me but also states that he doesn't see his "relationship" with ow going anywhere either - again, can't believe a word he says cause....well cause he's an mlc dumba$$. 

any bit of insight, info would be so very much appreciated. 

[LifeGoesOn]

while he is still in any way involved with her, he will not have the magic that is me, that's for sure

I know this question wasn't for me to answer but I think you said this so well yourself in answer to his wondering if you will consider rec. and paving the way.
He may really be asking how much damage has been done at this point. IDK.

[LettingGo]

Jumping in here.... DCD, I'm sorry to tell you it is way too soon for your husband to give up OW. I think his feelings are sincere, but the compulsion to run and the addiction to cover up his pain with OW bandaid will outweigh his hearts desire for now.

I would not put ANY stock into his proposed desire to try and work things out with you... he knows, deep down, that is what he should do. Part of it might be paying lip service to you to "let you down easy" and also to be able to claim "he tried, but it didn't work". Know that he will claim this, even if the two of you NEVER discuss your R again, LOL!!

I would just ignore it, because he will change on a dime and forget he ever said it anyway. It kinda doesn't matter what you say or do during this part of his MLC because his focus will be on OW for some time and he won't remember stupid things he said to you. I wish I could give you more than a cyber hug, because you have a mountain to climb ahead of you... but rest assured, there are others who've climbed it or are climbing it ahead of you and we will lead the way!

If you can, and if your husband cooperates, LOL!! go dark or dim on him.... this is for YOU to break free from HIM and OW. They need to be left alone to fester like a nasty wound... and they will, and will do it sooner if you bow out of the picture. Bowing out is NOT handing him over, by the way... in fact, bowing out MAY be the reason he doesn't file for divorce.... and then let the games with OW begin, hahaha!! The best way to fight this is by NOT RESISTING....

[stayed]

Different coloured days, asked:

but what should i be doing to "pave the way" in the meantime?

Honestly honey.... continue to do what you are doing.  Stay centered and focused on yourself.  Ignore his advances, when he REALLY wants to work on the marriage, you will know.  He won't be "denying" any feelings he has for you. 

The best thing you can do to pave the way, my dear, for HIM and for yourself, is to become happy, healthy and strong.  To know in your own MIND that you are able to live quite happily with or without him. 

Don't do what I did and rush back too soon.  Let both of you heal.  Let both of you take your journey, learn and GROW.  Becoming strong and confident within yourself.  Happy living on your own, content with who YOU are. 

That is the path to true reconciliation.  If he wants to work on the marriage after you have completed your journey... then fly at it.  Until that time, REMEMBER... HE DID THIS... not you!  This is HIS crisis, which HE has forced on you.  This situation has forced you into a crisis of your own, so now, you owe it to yourself, to figure out who the h*ll you are and who you want to be.  What YOU want for yourself in the future. 

Seeing has he has started this, you might as well maximize the benefits of the situation, that will best suit yourself.  Don't be afraid, the more you UNDERSTAND about yourself, the easier the business of reconciliation will be, IF THE OPPORTUNITY arises. 

LET HIM PURSUE.... sit back, pop a huge bowl of popcorn and watch the show.  It's really something.

hugs girl... Stayed...

[DCD]

thank you, LGO, LG, and stayed for your responses.

LGO posted:

"He may really be asking how much damage has been done at this point. IDK. "
he said as much when we had our talk at BD#2...that he didn't think i would be able to get past the damage he has done.

LG posted:

"They need to be left alone to fester like a nasty wound... and they will, and will do it sooner if you bow out of the picture. Bowing out is NOT handing him over, by the way... in fact, bowing out MAY be the reason he doesn't file for divorce.... and then let the games with OW begin, hahaha!! The best way to fight this is by NOT RESISTING.... "

i think what you say right there about bowing out is not handing him over is the part that has me anxious - i very much want them to fester, i want her to nag him and put demands and pressure on him.  i just don't want her touching him and comforting him, and available to him  - not gonna lie about that - and i really hope that while she's feeling the "love", she's also feeling a whole lot of doubt, insecurity, and the need to control and nag.  i know this is what needs to happen - i'm just not very happy about it 

stayed posted:

Don't do what I did and rush back too soon.  Let both of you heal.  Let both of you take your journey, learn and GROW.  Becoming strong and confident within yourself.  Happy living on your own, content with who YOU are. 

geez, stayed - this is a hard one...i hear what you're saying, i know what you're saying to be true and right.  when i heard him say he wanted to try, my heart soared but my head yelled "no no no no...not yet - TOO SOON" and i was all "shut up head!" but i know now is nowhere near the time - we're not ready...he's been so distant from me, all the while showing affection, but noncommittal, but affectionate again...i've got motion sickness - i need to stay off his ride.

"This situation has forced you into a crisis of your own, so now, you owe it to yourself, to figure out who the h*ll you are and who you want to be.  What YOU want for yourself in the future."

and this is the other point that has me anxious - what do i want...this changes day to day.  i know who i want to be...working on figuring out who i am.  but what do i want?  knowing this for certain would help me set and attain goals for myself.  i wish i knew    but now i have the time to figure it out.

[LettingGo]

I totally understand about OW.... nothing about that situation to like..

If you can just ignore that he ever even said he wanted to try, you'd be doing yourself a favor. He's NOT going to try, so it's a moot point. Just go about your business and expect to hear him claim "he tried but it didn't work". I STILL hear that from my husband, but now we are far enough along that he accepts me arguing with him and telling him that having OW in the picture is NOT trying.... You're not there yet.... don't bother contradicting your husband... just validate and let his stupid words hang in the air as he tries to convince himself he's a good guy.

You have a long ways to go... just let it be. ((hugs))

[Still]

Bumping this up.