[good4me]

Still
 I can totally relate. Everytime my H walked in the door I was so happy to see him -you would have thought I hit the lottery  Every compliment I have him was brushed off with a negative one back about how fat he was-losing his hair-getting old-etc. I am sure you get the idea. I love him for who and what he is-the man I married . We all have flaws but I accept that fact. I don't expect him to be perfect . Maybe my cheering him on felt like pressure to him. I can't understand any of this . Don't need to waste my time trying to either. Work on me and see what happens.

[Still]

Every compliment I have him was brushed off with a negative one back about how fat he was-losing his hair-getting old-etc. I am sure you get the idea.

Good4You,

I completely understand this. When I would give my H a compliment, he would often say "Just stop". I used to ask him, "Do you really know how much I love you?" To which he would reply, "I think so." He would never say yes, which I always thought was odd.

I think it further reflects their inner turmoil and insecurities. No matter how much my H would accomplish, it was never enough for him, he would never just rest.

[BonBon]

LettingGo,
You had me howling.  Romance novel indeed.

I never experienced negative replies when I complimented H prior to his MLC.
But during MLC?  You bet.  Although, there was a back and forth with him.  At times he was uncomfortable, at other times, he ate it up like a sponge.  But even when he loved it, it still was not what he needed (according to him).  It was nice, but really, he said, it's like having your mother compliment you.  She loves you and so, sees everything in a good light.  He needed to be sexy and virile to other women.
This is exactly what he told me...not my assumptions. 

I can't tell you how lovely it is to be thought of as my husband's mother.  Not.

I would totally agree about the idolization.  I too believed for 12 years I was married to the most wonderful man who walked the planet.  Perfect?  No.  But close enough.

These last three years have certainly proven I was wrong.  He even said to me that he knows he is no longer on a pedestal.  That is one of the few things he has figured out correctly these last few years. 

[trusting]

My H too would say I was complimenting him because I was biased.  Clearly the many compliments I paid him over the years meant absolutely nothing.   He would always brush them off, disagree, somehow negate them in some way. 

Just yesterday I complimented the way he looked as he was all dressed up for an event.  He grunted "thanks."  I felt like an idiot later for saying anything at all.  He has nothing nice to say to me.

I also thought my H was pretty awesome pre-MLC but he never accepted it.

Today I am struggling YET AGAIN with how my H could have thrown me and my love away.  It meant NOTHING to him apparently, and that is stinging quite badly.  He has also thrown away the kids' love as well, to a large degree and that makes my heart ache for them.

Maybe NOW I should be keeping my mouth shut since I am having a bad day.   Negative, negative, negative.

[stayed]

Here is the  official definition of VALIDATION

ThesaurusLegend:  Synonyms Related Words Antonyms
Noun 1. validation - the act of validating; finding or testing the truth of something
substantiation, proof
determination, finding - the act of determining the properties of something, usually by research or calculation; "the determination of molecular structures"
authentication, certification - validating the authenticity of something or someone
documentation, support - documentary validation; "his documentation of the results was excellent"; "the strongest support for this view is the work of Jones"
monetisation, monetization - establishing something (e.g. gold or silver) as the legal tender of a country
probate - the act of proving that an instrument purporting to be a will was signed and executed in accord with legal requirements
 2. validation - the cognitive process of establishing a valid proof
establishment
cogent evidence, proof - any factual evidence that helps to establish the truth of something; "if you have any proof for what you say, now is the time to produce it"

I don't see one single thing that tells me, that validating means I am hearing you.  My understanding of the word and the definitions I have found seem to CONFIRM my understanding is correct.... that to VALIDATE is to CONFIRM!

Sorry, I will NEVER confirm something or anything that is not true!  Just won't do it.  I have NEVER told anybody that they are not feeling what they say they are feeling, as I do not know what they are feeling,  HOW CAN I VALIDATE ?  Certainly, I can imagine, I can even imagine how and why they might be feeling that way, but still I do not know for sure that that is how they are feeling.  The best I can say is, "ok, if you say so".

Sorry but the way that word is "floated" around here, makes me uncomfortable, like I somehow must sacrifice my personal values and principals.  Somehow, it feels sneaky and manipulative to me. 

Just my opinion.

hugs Stayed

[OldPilot]

Stayed I think you are correct but the point of validating is confirming that the other persons feeling are correct.
Does not mean you agree with their feelings just that you confirm that THEIR feelings are legitamte to them.
I do not think that it is sneaky or playing games to VALIDATE.

It is a neccessary skill that most LBS'ers must learn to deal with their MLC'er.

I will look to see what articles I can find on the subject.

[Dontgiveup]

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/Standing-actions_balancing-love_validation.html

Edit

This link is working for me. Oldpilot

[Dontgiveup]

The link I posted didn't appear to connect, but it can be found by clicking on Site Map and scrolling down to the article.

Below is an exerpt from the article.  One thing every LBS should keep in mind, that we sometimes forget, is to separate the person from the behavior.  Validate feelings, not behavior.  Like the article states, do not validate the MLC behavior.

From the article:
Validation is not synonymous with agreement. Validate feelings, not behaviours. Validating means you recognize he feels a certain way, not that you believe the feelings come from an accurate perception of life. Recognize the truth of how he feels. Validate that he feels his actions are right and necessary. That is not agreeing that you feel the action itself is necessary; it is acceptable to tell him that, but accept that he may become angry when confronted with active disagreement--such as contesting divorce action. That's the way it is. Accept the process.

[OldPilot]

Another thread on validation

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=284040&page=1

[stayed]

Oh, you mean like they VALIDATED our feelings!!!  Right, it's clear to me now...

hugs... Stayed...