[Mermaid]

I validate H's feelings in the same way that I do with my kids'. I listen, acknowledge their feelings and points of view, even when they are different from mine.

Of course it's not a two-way street. They're lost, we're not.

[rememberer]

I remember when I worked with mental health clients and they would often tell you of some of their delusions, and then asked if you believed them.

It was important to let them know that we believed that they felt that way, that their feelings were very real, however playing into the delusions is not healthy either, so I would respond something like" I do believe you, I do believe that your feelings are very real, and I'm here to help you deal with that.

So, I think you can 'validate' your H's feelings but not necessary have to agree with them. "I'm sorry that you feel that way" is a good way of validating without agreeing.

[kappy]

How an u truly detach and live ur life when he is stilll at home an very much involved in all you do??  Please tell me how to detach?  Am I supposed to tell him to leave?  I'm so confused as how to a t.  All i know Is that regardless the pain he has caused and the affair, I still love him and I want o save my marriage!!!  Help me please.  Guide me

[rememberer]

Hi Kappy,

First let me say that has to be the worst emotional torture to deal with when they are still home and having an affair and treating you like c**p. My hat goes off to those of you who deal with this. I know I couldn't. I would not be strong enough and am the sort of person that can't hide my feelings. I'm not a good actor.

I do have a close girlfriend however that has been living with this sort of c**p on and off for a few yrs now. Lots of our friends think she pathetic for putting up with it, but I think she is one of the strongest people I know. She has a very healthy self-esteem and never lets the comments get to her. She's knows they're not true and she rises above them. She goes on with her life-even takes the kids and goes off on vacation. She keeps up with her tennis, acting, work, and friends and includes him when he intitates it. She never demeans him, and treats him with respect. She pretends she doesn't know about his OW and in her eyes she treats him as she always has-with love and respect.

I think he respects her more than ever for it. He knows he's a $hit, and in his eyes she's the best thing that ever happened to him-he knows that down deep but often treats her poorly. She just doesn't take it personally.

Not all people hear would advocate this, but she doesn't even know about this forum etc. she just has choosen to deal with the situation in this manner.

He seems to be coming around and has made progress, but he does keep running back so I think the others on this forum would be better able to help you deal with giving him some boundaries etc.

I'm not sure how much that helps, but there are many on here who will come to your aid.

Take care

[stayed]

Kappy, although my h was involved before he left home, I was not aware of his Affair.  Like Rememberer, I actually have very little experience with dealing with a stay home MLCer who is having an affair, as well.

I agree with what Rememberer said though, as I too have nothing but admiration for those who can have these men/women living under their roof, while being disrespected so blatantly by their cheating MLC spouse.  I honestly, don't know how you manage to stay sane. 

Hopefully others will be along to give some suggestions, that helped them through this.  Have you posted this on your personal thread Kappy?  We have every type of situation in here and there is bound to be quite a few who will be better informed and able to you.

hugs, and an extra big (((((((((hug)))))))) for a very brave lady... Stayed...

[stayed]

Time for a new thread... I am taking the letter with me to the new thread, as it was the STAR of the this thread. 

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1180.0

See you on the other side.... hugs Stayed...