[Bewildered]

stayed

a very interesting and thought provoking answer, and fits in with the running back into the tunnel i guess .... i think my H is at this place but is no longer with the OW, is spending a lot of time on his own and feeling very sorry for himself (booked a weekend where our ad at University - asked her out for dinner - she went then told her he was there for the weekend and when she said oh not I'm going to XX to a party he said I knew you would be too busy to spend time with me, she said if you'd told me I would not have arranged to go to XX but he just looked sad???

this is so frustratinghey?
thanks to your H for his honesty   XXXX 

[stayed]

It is very frustrating time bewildered.  It takes them a long time before they really understand how much this affected, even their university children.  Mine we 19, 22,24, 25, 26 years of age... 2 were married, oldest child was expecting her first baby... she had miscarried one already and he could not understand, that the stress he was causing her, made her worry about loosing that baby.  HE JUST DIDN'T GET IT bewildered.  He actually felt very let down by THEM... like they had betrayed him. 

I think we had been reconciled for 18 months before he actually could see that he OWED the children an apology, and that he was the one who had betrayed them.  They are really messed up... that's all I can say. 

hugs kiddo, just reread his letter, each time you will hear something more and more... I have read it dozens of times and each time find something else of use. 

[Bewildered]

 ;DThanks so much for your words .. interesting that is why this is so unreal this MLC and how so many of us have the same issue, stories, etc.

My H doesn't get how much he hurts the people he loves - he looks at me with puppy dog eyes when I asked him 2 weeks ago - to please just stop lying to me .. have some respect for the years we have know each other if for nothing else. I also have asked him too to stop ignoring me at industry events .. he says I don't but he does !
 

  He actually felt very let down by THEM... like they had betrayed him.

But I have seen a recent change in him and the kids too since the above conversation i had with him as if he is beginning to get it!! just a baby step that's all but a beginning hey?

B XX

[stayed]

But I have seen a recent change in him and the kids too since the above conversation i had with him as if he is beginning to get it!! just a baby step that's all but a beginning hey?

If you are seeing the changes, then they are happening honey.  Just try not to have any EXPECTATIONS and do not show him that you are seeing the changes.  Seems kind of sad doesn't it... but this is where the difference is between dealing with children and dealing with an MLC adult who is behaving like a child.  You can not show that you notice any changes in him, you must pretend indifference.  Not fair I know, but you can't start to help them through the end part of their journey until you see MANY changes, not just the odd one here and there. 

You will know when it is time to reach out and give him a hand.  Confused yet?   I know, we have told you over and over, that you can't fix them etc... and you can't.... BUT when they come out of the tunnel completely, they OFTEN need a little assistance, sorting through what they have learned.  That is the time that we get involved.  That is the time that we set out the boundaries and expectations and hopes for whatever our future relationship is going to be.... BUT NOT UNTIL the right time. 

Your gut will know bewildered.... pay very close attention... if you are undecided at any point, that means... do not do what you are thinking of doing.... it means, stand back, hold your tongue and wait for further growth.  Your "gut" will let your assistance, POP OUT almost before you realize you were going to say it.  YOU WILL KNOW HONEY.

Rule of thumb... if in doubt.... SHUT UP!  lol

hugs bewildered.... looking forward to hearing more about your sitch... much love

[rememberer]

Okay, Stayed,

I hear you LOUD and CLEAR. You are right again, and today I can see that clearly. You have to understand (and I'm sure you do) that we go through a whole gambit of emotions from day to day, and sometimes all in one day!

Sometimes I'm so sad, and despondent and other times mad as hell that all I want to do if get the divorce and get him out of my life!

I understand what you're saying though and I'm going to stick to that plan. Detach, GAL, go dim or dark with H, and heal myself until I'm whole. I stil haven't made up my mind as to whether I'm standing for the marriage, however I'm standing and on my feet and am just THANKFUL for that right now.(Thanks to all of you for that, too). I will not date just because I'm not ready for anyone or to enter into a Healthy relationship.

I'm having a good day today and liking the feel of my new freedom and independence. I just hope it continues for a while!

Sometimes it's tough to hear, but I do appreciate you being frank with me. It's  got me back on track.
Thanks

[stayed]

. I stil haven't made up my mind as to whether I'm standing for the marriage, however I'm standing and on my feet and am just THANKFUL for that right now.(Thanks to all of you for that, too). I will not date just because I'm not ready for anyone or to enter into a Healthy relationship.

Quite frankly rememberer to me STANDING is exactly how you just described.... standing for yourself until you become healthy and whole again.  That is the perfect description of standing.  I think many think it is standing for the marriage no matter what, but that is not how I see standing.  We stand until we are healthy and whole again, then we are able to make sensible, rational decisions.  Until that time, stand true to yourself girl, carry on renewing your acquaintance with yourself.  I didn't hold out much hope of my marriage being saved, I was hopeful, but I knew the only way it EVEN stood a chance, was for me to REPAIR myself, make some essential changes of myself and prove to myself that I could/would have a good life, with or without my h.  I knew that that was the only way, our marriage could be improved if we did reconcile and I also knew, that if we didn't, that would be ok. 

You are then making decisions based on what YOU NEED, not on what your h wants, or anybody else.  This is the one time in your life, when it is OK to be totally selfish, totally self centered, as it is the only way you will be able to determine what is best for YOU and how to do it.

hugs rememberer.... thinking of you....

[Bewildered]

posted my latest h antics on my thread stayed but below - your views please?


Up-date

H who seemed to be moving forward is still on his replay Journey me thinks but confusing bit is he keeps doing some new very strange things just an example:

1. Work issues - forgetting he has plans to do something -  meeting or similar then organising a train journey somewhere else then having a call saying where are you so rushing to meeting then missing his train

2. Booking 4 train tickets to the same place but with 20 mins difference to where he's going to but all the same journey's back home  (woo -  think this may be a sign?)

3. Organising a weekend at D university town but forgetting to tell her so she is only there for a few hours and he is sad but says well why would you want to spend time with me?

4. Ordering a veggie meal bec he now is a vegetarian and then saying he doesn't like vegetarian food so not eating it

5. Three days later eating lamb dinner with son

6. Telling D21 that he is going out with his lesbian friends and gay male friends tomorrow for dinner but joking with them that because they organised it early evening it has to be because they like strictly come dancing/dancing with the stars? They didn't find this funny as they do like this programme and he said he had upset them but didn't understand why?

7. changing his mind every 5 minutes, still lying and exaggerating his stories of fun fun and more fun, acting like he is about 16 one moment then he is grown up and lovely then hes 16 again then he is hanging around with 70 year old at the pub?
 
8. used to be a committed Liberal Democrat (like his liberal mother) now a Tory - Conservative like me as I have always been

9. Showing D21 and S23 his app for happiness - I phone of which D said had his top 5 things that made him happy where
1 running
2 cycling
3 swimming
4 gym
5 hill walking

 top 5 he didn't participate in as it made him unhappy
1 resting
2 watching TV
3 reading
4 cooking
5 do jobs or diy

she said D don't you ever stop doing stuff he said no then I would have to think about things and that would make me unhappy!!!

so any guesses here everyone what is this MLC man at? I

Bewildered with a loony toons H XXXX
       
 

[stayed]

Seems to know exactly what he is doing and why!  Not much you can do about that.... detach and get on with your own healing, your own life....H is going to crash and burn eventually.... nothing anybody can do to stop that... sounds like he is setting others up to let him down and then saying who can blame them.... POOR ME! 

Get on with living bewildered, he sounds like he's got a long ways to go yet.  Don't put your life on hold, just detach from his nonsense and keep taking care of yourself

hugs

[justkeepmoving]

It's funny how along time ago I had decided that I would not touch any of my H's stuff (computer, DVD, stereo, etc.) so if were to break he couldn't blame me.  So is the same with detachment, if we step back and they crash and burn then they no longer can blame us.  Who will they blame then ?  Hopefully the OW, ha ha !!

[Bewildered]

Stayed
thanks for your view and I am doing my own life - he is your right as they all are quite aware of what they do or want but its the why they do it that is the MLC bit isn't it?
why would anyone want his life not me or my children who think he is crazy and so do his colleagues, its such a shame - but the running has to stop some time and the demons faced - well i hope so

XXX