[stayed]

Hi everybody:

You are all right in what you are saying.  Accept, there is no problem with saying to your spouse, "LOOK, WHEN YOU GET YOURSELF SORTED OUT, I will most likely still be around BUT, I am working hard on MYSELF, I am seeing my ability to Live on my own for MYSELF and I am liking the person I am becoming.  As of now, I am NOT IN ANY RUSH, to date, or find another, but of course I can not guarantee that I will ALWAYS be here.  Thanks to you, I am learning a great deal about myself, relationships and marriage and now feel that I will be able to have a WONDERFUL life, with you or another. 

This has become ABOUT ME, now.  It started out, all about YOU!  But, thanks to your betrayal, abandonment etc. I have become very strong.  I am proud of the person I am becoming.  I hope you can say the same thing some day.

Then get on with your life.  Leave him to get on with his! 

[stayed]

Crazystuff:

I agree with letting your children know, that it is OK with you about seeing their father.  Just make it clear to them that they do not have to LIE for their father.  That anything they are questioning, feel free to DISCUSS it with you.

I have heard children that feel they have to lie for one parent, often have severe psychological problems later in life.  So encourage them to talk to you about anything.

An MLCer does lie.  That is the ONLY thing you know for sure, he/she is lying.  The best you can do is what you are doing Crazystuff.  You are handling your children very well indeed.  The younger ones must not be allowed to feel that they are betraying and letting you down, because they want a relationship with their father.  You are a very strong lady and I commend you for the way you have stood. 

Hugs Crazystuff... you are doing fantastic...get the youngsters sorted out, give them permission to have whatever relationship they want with their father, the older ones too. If they don't want to have anything to do with their father, fine.  Their choice, but they must respect the wishes of each other.  Simply tell them, that you all need each other more then ever now... each can/will respect whatever they choose.

Keep going Crazystuff, you are on the road to being a new person, great to start with but incredible at the end.... THIS IS OUT YOU now honey.... go for it..!

[Bewildered]

CS

Just to let you know  - for a referernce I have from the beginning never got invovled with my H and the relationship he I told him was responsible for with his children - he but he managed (dont ehy all) to hurt them with his behaviour and it has nothing to do with me ..

I now think it is making him see himself as he really is (only a tiny bit though don't get excited) and he is reaping what he has sowed, they use him for money, free meals and a place to stay only if there is no where else they can stay ..

karma is what its called .. so if you do this you can hold your head up if karma comes his way (and it will I promise), as long as you have no guilt, not done anything to harm his relationship with them, so say nothing, do nothing, let him sort his life out how he beleives he wants too ...............till he doesnt?
then it I hope will get interesitng!

love and XX B

[justkeepmoving]

Yep, I've stepped back from my H's relationship with his Ds as of now is in the toilet.  But it is his problem to repair not mine.  I'm not going to give him any ammunition in which to blame me for another woe in his life.  Pretty much right now both of my Ds have written him off and it's all so sad but nothing I can do about it.
Stayed, It's so funny you mentioned about letting H know where we stand.  I just had this same, almost verbatim, conversation with my H.  I will watch, wait and let him process our conversation.  I continue NC as everytime I see him or talk to him I go swirling to the beginning of this crisis,and I don't want to return to that place again.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

I forwarded the letter that Stayed's H wrote to my H.  I prefaced it that I felt that he might be feeling the same way that Stayed's H felt during his crisis. 

My H told me that he read the letter and said that a lot of what was said resonated with him and that the letter was insightful.  He said that he had never thought of his situation that way, but that it made sense.

I was glad that he was positive about it.  I was not showing him the letter to snap him out of anything, but I DID want him to see the similarities in his current situation and Stayed's H's situation back then, and possibly plant a few seeds.

I sent him the letter without any regret or fear.  I knew that I was ready for any kind of response - whether good or bad.

[ece711]

FHO,

  You sound so brave...  I'll pray that those seeds will produce some positive movements. 

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Thanks, ece.  I am seriously at a point now that I throw caution to the wind without any regard.  I know that I will be OK with or without my H - the more time that passes, the stronger I feel in this conviction.

It has been a long and tedious road, and there are more hard times in my future, but I am ready to face anything that comes my way.

xoxoxo

[stayed]

I hope it helps FOREVER, I know my h wrote it in the hopes that anybody who was going through this just might help them out of it.  He actually wrote it for me though.  That was his way of explaining how he felt during the whole miserable situation.  He wanted me to UNDERSTAND, that although it seemed to be personally against me, it was not.  It was totally about HIM.

Most of us were pretty darn good spouses.  Sure, there was room for improvement, isn't there always?  But MLC isn't about us, I think we all realize that now. 

All any of us can do is, throw the whole mess up in the wind and let the pieces fall where they may.  Work on ourselves to become the best people we can be and benefit as much from this mess as is humanly possible.  We didn't choose this path, but like it or not, we have to deal with it.  AND deal with it, you WILL!

[Bewildered]

Stayed

Can your H or you (do you remember this stage?) shed any light on Withdrawal - this stage is so confusing..... do the MLCer function normally example: do they go to work and act normally?, do they also withdraw from their children except when they need to answer texts - emails  or see them as planned but withdraw as much as they can example: no phone calls/seeing them unless they have no choice etc (I think they do from what I've read but not sure ) B x


see below from HB -

 
the stage of Withdrawal.

It is also during this time, they will navigate obstacles and question themselves, somewhat, working their way toward what is called the "final fears" Not much is known about what the final fears contain think it is beginning to accept the death of everything they have ever known, including the death of their "old" lives; AND beginning to accept their own mortality without being afraid of it-Depression sets them up for this journey across an open field toward an archway to face these fears. During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.

Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time

Editted for misplacement of color HTML - should be inside quote bars(not outside) OldPilot

[Buggy31]

I'm also interested in the "waking up".  We see so many men on this forum that are just back and forth and some that are determined to be done.   Do you know anything about what went on during his wake up period?  Was it gradual for him or BANG in an instant.   It's hard to imagine the emergence of the old person...although I know now changed.  when they are so different.