Bewildered and Buggy31
Can your H or you (do you remember this stage?) shed any light on Withdrawal - this stage is so confusing..... do the MLCer function normally example: do they go to work and act normally?, do they also withdraw from their children
The worst withdrawal that my h suffered during his affair was while I was in New Zealand. He started calling our oldest daughter, crying, begging her to tell him where he could find me. Sobbing on the phone "I need your mother" that he was so sorry for what he had done and he would spend the rest of his days making it up to your mother. My daughter refused to give him my address but reluctantly she did tell me when I called her a couple of weeks after these calls started. Ow had gone home to see her family in the states and he was suppose to be joining her, to meet her family as her latest "future husband". He had his ticket purchased and he did not go. Apparently, he told our daughter, he just couldn't do it. She THOUGHT he was sincere but she just didn't trust him. A couple of days later, I decided to call. He was OVERJOYED, he was so excited, he actually started crying, telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. We talked for about an hour and he excitedly assured me he would see the travel agent today and make arrangements to join me next week. I was to call him the next day. I called he didn't sound as excited, but he really wanted to come his flight arrangements would be confirmed later that day,he was apprehensive because he sent OW an email telling her he was coming back to me. She had been calling all day and all night, he was not answering his phone. Call again tomorrow, he'll let me know arrival time. I called the next day, he had not shown up for work, everybody was concerned as he had been totally crazy in the last week or so. I called back a few hours later, they had located him, he was at OW's house by himself as she was away. He had been drinking on top of his meds, so was drunk and stoned, they assured me he was ok. Two days later I received an email saying... "this is not what it looks like". That was the last time I heard from him for about 5 weeks.
He went into total withdrawal. No he did not go to work for at least a week, I heard. The OW returned unexpectedly and he was so impressed that she had canceled her holidays and come home to him, he was finally totally CONVINCED that she loved him, like nobody else could. (this he told me himself after we reconciled) Nobody had EVER done such a wonderful thing for him. Apparently they went away for 3 or 4 days and then returned to work. NONE of us heard from him at all. Not me. Not the kids.
Bewilderer, no they do not act normally, often miss work and distance themselves from everybody, including their children.
I'm also interested in the "waking up". We see so many men on this forum that are just back and forth and some that are determined to be done. Do you know anything about what went on during his wake up period? Was it gradual for him or BANG in an instant. It's hard to imagine the emergence of the old person...although I know now changed. when they are so different
Buggy31 According to my h it was not like BANG... it did came together quite rapidly though. From what I have been able to piece together, that first phone call(mid April) that I made to him from N.Z. when he cried and sounded so happy to hear me, if he had gone through with those arrangements that would have been the BANG, the sudden awakening, that I think you are envisioning. Not to be. As you read above he went into total WITHDRAWAL for a good 5 weeks after that encounter. I packed up and returned to Canada a week later (April 20th. rings a bell), my retreat, my great escape totally ruined. I thought I was done.
His awakening I believe started while I was in N.Z., I think the desire to join me in N.Z. was sincere but the unexpected return of OW threw him back into confusion. I think he felt very guilty about not joining her in the states and meeting her family. He realized he had deeply embarrassed her, as she had told her entire family that her fiance was coming to meet them. Then even after he had disappointed and embarrassed her, she had come rushing back to be at his side, expressing concern and fear for his well being. In fact when he had not shown up as planned, she had caught the first flight available back to Europe, because she knew she was loosing him. Of course, she was very cleaver and played it like she was so horribly worried about him, as she knew how stressed and badly he felt about "the divorce".(for the record he had lied to her and told her that he had filed for divorce) She routinely assured him, that of course he still loved me and he always would, because I was the mother of his children and we had been together for such a long time, but he couldn't help being in love with her because they were meant to be together.
That euphoria lasted about 5 weeks. (total withdrawal from family) During this period of nonsense, I had a total meltdown and reached DETACHMENT, let go completely, had seen a lawyer about a separation, bought a new car and was looking at a smaller home, intending to sell our bigger family home. Then the phone calls started in a frenzy, just in time for our 29th. anniversary which is June 4th. Bazaar conversations, flowers with messages like "I should have listened"... gifts. The end of June he sent me an anniversary ring and a plane ticket for July 5, 2006.
He has told me that during that 5 weeks, and the rest of June he was in absolute torment and terribly conflicted. He was impressed that OW had returned just out great concern for him. He felt terrible about everything that had happened from April when he did not join OW in the states, to getting in contact with me, promising to join me in New Zealand and then not doing so. He waffled between thinking he had burned all his bridges with me, that he was now "stuck" with OW as he was sure there was no way I would ever take him back plus, he really didn't want to hurt OW anymore then he already had as he felt she truly loved him. He was in quite a state.
I would say that for him, the awakening took at least 3 months, give or take a week or so. As I have said before, I don't think he was totally out of his MLC though at that time. I think, he finally completed his journey around early January of 2008.
Without a doubt he was over the worst part of his MLC when we reconciled in July 2006 but he was still quite self possessed. It was very frustrating, as he just did not show true remorse for the entire situation. He certainly felt very badly about what he had done, but his remorse was mostly for himself. I think he was embarrassed and humiliated at his total loss of control, his lack of professionalism (seriously, shacking up with a woman who worked for you, by his standards, totally unprofessional), betraying his wife, himself, his children, he was now forever an adulterer, loss of honor and integrity, traits he prided himself on, loss of respect in my eyes and mostly his children. Looking at it from his point of view, I can almost see where he was coming from. (never looked at like that before) I do believe he felt he could handle me and control our reconciliation, without having to bare his soul and truly have to repent for his actions.
The ENORMITY of what he had put our children and myself through, hit him hard and quite suddenly. We had just returned from our Christmas/New Year vacation 07/08, we had enjoyed ourselves immensely. I was telling him how glad I was that we had somehow found our way back to each other. For some reason this led me to telling him about the night he left me and how I had wondered if we would ever again be together and now here we were. I was so happy.
I thought I was telling him something wonderful and was expressing my delight and happiness in being back with him. I looked at him to see if he was paying attention to me (you know men
) and he was sobbing uncontrollably. I was stunned. Here I was telling him how happy I was to have him back and he's crying his eyes out. He reached out and wrapped his arms around me and starting apologizing for hurting me like that. He kept saying, "how did you get through that night, you are so strong, I can't believe I did that to you, I am so sorry, I am so sorry".
He never returned to his tunnel again. My husband was back.
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