Hi:
I haven't posted on my thread in a long time. I received a PM from a lady recently who wanted advice on whether there was a gentle way of giving her h notice, that she would not hold on forever. While she was at it, she revealed what her life had become in the last few years. How unhappy she had become and well, "used" she felt. While answering her message, I related why the JOURNEY we are forced upon was so beneficial to me and how it changed my life. This is my response.
Hi !!!!
I hear you girl. Strangely, this is a very familiar scenario, typical of the lives of many of the LBS's on this forum. Many of us experience similar events in our marriages. Our spouses very much had a privileged life, that we not only permitted but actually encouraged and supported.
Like yourself, we had "moments"/"events" throughout our marriages, that drove us to distraction. I think all of us would willingly admit, that much of it was due to a distorted idea that it was our JOB to support our spouses, at everything they did. That being said, we did develop "resentments" over the years, as there was very little reciprocation. All of us acknowledge that it was our own silly selves, that allowed these "habits" of our spouses to continue, more by a reluctance to insist on ourselves being heard. Sort of a situation of "anything for peace". Our fault for not pushing ourselves forward but I think many of us, took the attitude that we wanted THEM to notice for themselves. For some bazaar reason, we honestly thought, that SOMEDAY our spouses would notice all that we did for them and allowed them to do, thereby love and appreciate us.... someday.
Instead the "d!cks" went crazy, had a "depression" and went into full blown CRISIS! Some thanks? Your life, could be mine!
.
This is why it is IMPARATIVE that we take this journey. All these "things" in our marriage must be properly assessed. WE need to determine, how much of it was ALLOWED by ourselves, why we allowed it, and for as long as it did. Then, how we would go about changing it, if our marriage survives. We also need to assess our spouse. In every way though. We can't separate these incidents in the marriage and let them define our marriage. Our marriage was obviously NOT only about our spouses "selfish" behavior, there were some very, very good times as well. We need to evaluate the good with the bad. HONESTLY, OPENLY! This takes time. When we are as upset as we are now, is not a good time to totally trust our judgement.
The other thing that I found in my journey, I also had rewritten history. I think as you examine your situation closely, like myself you will find, that many of the disturbingly upsetting events, that we are now dwelling on, occurred in the last 5 to 10 years. In fact the first 20 were damn good. There was more equality, mutual appreciation, consideration, respect. I know, when I examined my entire married life, that the lack of respect, consideration, appreciation, the "selfish", self centered-ness of my spouse, actually began sometime after the 20 yr. point. That being said, those last 10 years had become so progressively HORRIBLE, that I had rewritten our ENTIRE MARRIAGE.... which was not true.
So like our MLCer's, we too tend to rewrite our history. My journey helped me to separate and examine when the unhappy events began to encroach on what had actually been, a very happy partnership, for many, many years.
Once I got started on this journey of evaluation and discovery, I saw how and why I had allowed my spouse to become progressively more self centered and less partner oriented. It was so enlightening and empowering. It prepared me to take back my life, control the things I could control, which was only myself, my behavior my thoughts, ONLY MYSELF.
What did I discover? I had felt at the time, that I was "relieving" my h of many of the tedious chores. Thinking that he was such a busy person, that it would allow US more time as a couple, when he was home. I felt that he would love me more and be proud of how capable and thoughtful I was. Instead, he simply took advantage of me. Slowly, handing over more and more of the odious, tedious chores that he didn't like to do. It did not make him love me more, instead it made him respect me LESS. It was like, he was "laughing" at me, thinking, "what a fool, but hell, if she will do it, GREAT... HAHAHA"!
I over appreciated my husband. I was so proud of his success and his intelligence. In my desire to be a part of his success and feel a right to partake in the very prosperous lifestyle that his success benefited our family, I willingly picked up the "slack" I felt he didn't have time to do. Plus, I honestly thought that by doing so, it would free up more of his time for the children and myself. Instead, he found other things that he enjoyed for himself to fill the hours that I freed up.
I had begun to live a life of quiet desperation. Discontent. Unhappiness. Something I would not have CHANGED if he had not gone into full blown CRISIS. In many ways, this crisis released me from a life of "self imposed" servitude.
Those are just a few of the things I discovered while taking my journey. I could probably fill pages but I have a baby quilt I need to get started on, as I have to have it finished before the ladies arrive here in Luxembourg on the 7th. of April.
I hope this gives you a little insight dear. This journey is for YOU. Let your h get on with his crisis. Leave him to sort himself out. This is the time for you to reevaluate your PERSONAL LIFE. This journey is so HEALING. Once you have healed then you will be in the right frame of mind to make wise decisions and choices, that will CHANGE your life completely.
Don't be afraid. Don't be in a rush. Just let it happen.
hugs Stayed...
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