[Buggy31]

What are your children's ages?   I am annoyed ...NO MAD...that your H's OW could be watching your kid all week....WHY...this is only meant to hurt..IMO...Is there any way you can get around it.

[Synicca]

SandD

I know how you feel, the other night while my H was here talking to our D about her hurt feelings.
I was compelled to say to him, ( may have been wrong, but who cares) I said " you and OW fight to much,
you have admitted to me more then once and to others that you two fight every other day, You can't manage
to NOT fight in FRONT of her S, How am I supposed to believe you wont in front of OURS?"

I also said, " I dont think its fair to put her in a situation that is clearly going to fail and why should she have
to even get to know this woman, if she will be leaving at some point?"

H just nodded and then said " I still think it should be up to our D" 

I said, " Not if all you do is fight, whats the point in her going over there if your stuck in the bedroom, fighting?"

I just got frustrated and ended the convo. pointless!

I wouldnt even think of letting my D go over there if my H wasn't there, I have even refused when D has had a Monday off from
school and he wanted her to stay, but yet he still had to work. I said, This is about YOU spending time with our D, NOT the OW.
So, nope..dont even ask. Wont happen EVER!

[Moving Forward]

Hello SnD,
I am sitting here at my PC reading and working things through as my children are with their Dad this weekend (he collects them from school on a Friday and returns them to school on a MOnday morning). His OW is up north (they 'live' in London at her flat and as he is currently unemployed they return North every other weekend so that he can use her car to ferry my 2 children around to their various sports committments).

I hate the fact that she is in their little lives and that she is thrust upon them and that she ahs a relationship with my 2 kids.

I feel very strongly that if you raise the issue of his  and what he does and he will see you are interferring and controlling his relationship with his children. Remember he sees things through his MLC goggles (whilst you have your relaity goggles on). You cannot control what he does with the children when they are with him. I am sure despite everything he would never put your chidlren in danger.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it has been the right thing to do ...that is.....keep my views to myself and simply say to the chidlren that 'OW is very important to your Dad' and never ever slag her off - she may end up being a permenant featre in my chidren's lives. I never ever want my children to feel any more torn than they already do by thinking they are hurting me if (gulp) they got on well with the OW and they ended up having a friendship with her. You also have to carefully consider that actually your children may end up liking this OW and you have no right at all to tell them who they can like (or not).

This is when you have to keep stepping away from him and detach - I have posted on other threads that my children are growing up with a good sense of self and they have no issue saying what they think (self esteem is high in my 2!!). I focus on building their self esteem as it will be this that will help them make good, healthy choices in the future and ensure they have a way of expressing their feelings to whoever they meet in their lives.

SnD, I know it is hard and you are hurting but you cannot control what he does with the kids and you have no right to force your belief about his relationship on him - it works the other way round too - he has no right to tell you what you do with your chidlren when you have them in your care and if your life moves on you would not welcome HIM chiming in giving his 2 cents on what he thought of someone you cared a lot about or the quality of your relationships.......
I don't mean to be harsh but when there is an OW involved our situations become triangles. I work best in straight lines so keep my husband's OW out of my relationship with him (I am dark) and my relationship with my chidlren. She's not worth my energy or focus.

((hugs)) as I know it is tough - it does get better as time goes it's job and you get aclimatised to your new 'normal'

P
xx

[StandandDeliver]

Buggy - Kids are 6 and 20 mths. 6 year old can't go because of a prior commitment, but H wants the 20mth old anyway. It is his week for them, so I don't really know what I can do. I can't really refuse, but I can point out that the aim is for H to bond with her and that OW is not a qualified nanny and that if H can't be with her then maybe she should stay with me as I am her mother unless she is spending that time with her other parent, then it doesn't seem like there is any need for her to go. However, I don't want to seem petty. Or like I think OW is a threat. How do I balance these things? At times like this I have to admit my overwhelming emotion is hate and anger and detachment seems very far away...

I agree with you syn, but my H has not suggested that he is unhappy (I can see that he is unhappy much of the time, but at the moment he believes that he is only unhappy cos the kids are leaving) or that he intends to ever leave OW, except for little implications about us one day getting back together, and everything not being as easy as he had expected it would be (they only moved in together 2 mths ago  and he only left me 3 mths ago) he is heavily in replay. So his take is that he and OW may be together for ever and ever and sail off into the sunset on their special fantastical sex-and-self-gratification-is-really-what-this-is-all-about-although-we-don't-know-it boat and the sooner the kids get to know her, the better. And I just don't know what to do about it, other than just let them get on with it, knowing that I am moving 2 hours away soon, and that it will make it easier to completely remove myself from H's life because I will also be closer to his parents so I don't necessarily even have to see him when he collects the kids. Stay dark that way

[LifeGoesOn]

My kids are older and (thankfully) have made their own decision about OW. Having had 3 kids approach 2 years old, I can say with confidence that your D will survive it. That will not be true for OW and your H. A week with a 20 month old that you do not know well!!! Hahaha. Her schedule, likes, etc will all be disrupted...left with a stranger.....She will have fits and tantrums and be none to pleasant most of the time I am sure! She will recover, but will they?

[StandandDeliver]

MF, I know that you are right. I suppose I am just venting.  Selfishly, I actually feel less bad about my 6 year old being there because I know in no uncertain terms that he loves me more than he will any other woman until he grows up and marries someone himself and I am confident that he had a strong and uninterruped bond with me in his preschool years (even though actually an eventual break-up between H and OW may affect him more, if he does grow to like her, so from that point of view I feel torn because I know that he could be more damaged by exposure to her in the long run) simply because, I suppose, I already resent that my H has created a situation where I have send a very much desired baby (we tried for her for a long time before getting pregnant, hence the 4 yr gap between my 2 kids) away from me for a month in the summer and for weekends and for other holiday periods, when my H knows how badly I wanted another baby. It is already a punishment without her being in the picture, but the thought of her bonding with my much wanted baby during these early years adds a whole other dimension to the hurtfulness and hatefulness of H's actions. 

LGO - you are right to a point, but my D is such a good toddler (like an "angel" baby, really, rarely cries, sunshine smile all the time, very few tantrums). If it had been my son at the same age, on the other hand, I would be sending him there weekly because it would certainly have broken them up - unbelievably energetic, highly strung and very emotional 

[Moving Forward]

Venting is good but try hard to see that you are their Mum AND ALWAYS WILL BE!!!!!  The kids will muddle their way through this and they will see you for the afbukous Mum you are - the one who was steadfast in their lives and never left them....because you are their rock.

Have faith and belief in yourself taht you will navigate these choppy waters and your relationship with your childrn will be a strong and healthy one with deep foundations of love, trust and respect.

Nif Naf once said to me that her husband will always be a 'visitor' or a 'guest' in her son's life - and it is so true. My husband left me - true but he also left his kids and despite him trying very hard to say this my children tell him - 'yes Dad you left Mum but by doing that you also left us' and he couldn't answer them or spiv his way out of it - in his addled little brain he had left me but not them.

Mad as a box of frogs are MLCers....

Stay strong and keep working on you - you've got a lot going on and you need to make sure you are healthy and focussing on the right things which are you and your chidlren. leave your husband to make his own way.

((hugs))

P
xx

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks MF!!! It is funny. I said to H last time I saw him that it was his choice to leave his children and he said "I didn't leave the children, I left y...the home" He couldn't even admit that he left me - f**k wit. He left the "home", yes and the "home" was very sad about it it. In fact the inbuilt wardrobe went through a whole box of tissues just crying about it all...

[Moving Forward]

My tumble dryer was the most devastated - still in counselling. I think the white goods actually have a forum not unlike this one.

[StandandDeliver]

Well, I know that my washing maching and dryer are missing some serious laundry action every since H took his many multi-coloured briefs elsewhere...

Of course, in that respect, their loss is my gain