[readytofixmyselffirst]

The problem I have is exposing the children to a weak relationship only serves to confuse the children. In Synicca situation, I am concerned that h is taking his daughter into a situation where he and ow argue and fight. Since that is not her "normal" lifestyle and situation, you have the right to deny him taking her if they can not control themselves in her presence. If your daughter continues to complain about the violence, file a CPS report against your h. As a parent, he is meant to protect his child and forcing her to stay in an atmosphere of domestic violence.

Something to think about.

[StandandDeliver]

Ready, I completely agree, that is one of the dilemmas that I have - exposing my S in particular to a R which I have no real idea about, but in the context of my husband being in a very bad place in his life generally. Furthermore, if the R fails and S has grown to like OW (as much as the idea irks me) he will learn to be very wary of any new people in either my H's or my life in the future and he will  also learn (a second time!) that H thinks people are disposable and have a sell-by date. Bad, bad message for a young boy who really looks up to his D.  This message is also so different from the one the H of old would have wanted to give to his S.  Although, thank goodness, there is no violence or nastiness. I would have no qualms whatsoever about going to child services or court if I even suspected either H or his OW were creating a physically unsafe environment for my kids. Too bad there isn't legislation about emotionally damaging environments... at least not here in Europe.

[memyselfandi]

Wow, some great discussion on introducing the OP here and quite timely in my situation. My H and I have been separated physically since last May and he has recently started dating a 20 year old. In the past 3 weeks or so, it's gone from him hiding it, (although not so well), to him fully launching her into our kid's lives (a week and a half ago while I was out of town on duty travel). My S9 - struggled hard and when I got back to town and talked to him, he needed to have a sleepover at my house so he could tell me everything - he will not open up to H.

My D's birthday was while I was away and I returned the day of her B-day party. H had indicated that I was welcome to attend any part of the party I wished and I indicated that I would talk to D and see what she wanted but that conversation never happened. To make a long story short, I was at a hockey game for my kids the night of the party and when we left the rink, I saw OW get into the vehicle with D and all her friends who were going to H's for her b-day party.  I lost it and later that evening, sent H a text saying that I couldn't believe that he couldn't give D just one day for her b-day without having OW there. He responded telling me that if I knew everything OW had done for our D that week and everything she bought D for her b-day I might just change my mind and that D actually invited her to the B-day party. OUCH, that hurt but I kept my cool, apologized for my reaction and left it at that.

Later on in the week, I called to speak to D only to discover that she, OW and OW's friend were at the Justin Bieber movie (of course, being only a few years apart, OW likely still likes Justin Bieber - sarcasm). That hurt too ... I felt her encroaching on my little girl and 11 year old girls have attitude these days that I never dreamed of till my teens!

This week, when the kids returned to my house, D opened up a bit and tells me that H is dating OW but has told her not to tell me. This opens the door for me to speak a bit about honesty and I explain to D that I know this is difficult for all of us and we really need to be open and honest with each other right now and support each other – no secrets. I go on to tell her that I want to be honest with her and I don't want her to feel bad about what I’m about to tell her about, but I do want to be honest that it hurt my feelings a bit that she invited OW to her b-day party and not me. D goes on to tell me that she didn't invite OW to her party, but rather that H asked if she could come and said only if it was ok with D and then went on to say after everything she has done for you this week and everything she bought you for your birthday. Wow, same line he gave me. I immediately told D not to worry, I was not upset but that it had just hurt my feelings a little but I was over it. Although I thought to myself it was a very unfair manipulation that H used on his D, it was not my place to say it. I just told D that I thought H was having a very difficult time right now trying to find happiness and that he wasn’t making the best decisions because of that. I wanted to scream, I wanted to pick up the phone and say to him, how dare you manipulate your D to suit your little fantasy but I didn’t.

I was writing a response to another board about this situation on my computer and left it halfway done and the next day, D found it and sent it to H on facebook. I was furious at first but when I reflected on the situation, I realized that he now knows that I know he lied and yet I didn’t confront him on the subject. He also knows I didn’t say anything bad to D about him regarding the situation and now, he has nothing but his thoughts to try to wrap his head around because he knows I know. I’m sure he’s waiting for a shoe to drop, but it’s not going to happen. I’ve cleared the air with D and that’s all I care about.

Sorry this is so long but I've been dying to get it on paper. I guess, at the end of the day, I'm just looking at what I can and can not control. What I see here is H & OW self destructing on the path of forcing a relationship between her and the kids. I see a couple of teenagers wanting something so bad that they don't care who they hurt in the process of getting what they want. I will be here to pick up the pieces for my kids.

[CrazyStuff]

When I joined the forum back in September the first questions I asked were mainly to do with my children, teenagers & young adults, and how to handle h. insisting that they accepted OW into their lives.    Amongst the advice provided to me were posts from LBS' who themselves had been exposed to similar situations as they were growing up.   The hurt and pain of feeling that they had no say and had not been protected from, in some cases, destructive relationships was still there many years later.   

I also saw with my h. that what he was trying to do was make himself feel better, and very quickly the children realised this themselves.  Plus being older they realise that OW is not someone they want in their lives.     

Having older children brings its own challenges in this situation; however, I can't help thinking that in the case of younger children we, as the most stable parent, should be prepared to speak out if we are not comfortable with arrangements being made for our children.    There is a difference between Accepting something that we cannot change / influence and finding something Acceptable.     

S&D, your children are very young, you are their mother and they need someone to think and act sensibly here.   Why on earth should a stranger, and to you & your children OW is a stranger, look after your children.        I know we have to pick our battles carefully; however, I think this is one worth fighting for.   

The other thing is I very much doubt the father of your children would find it Acceptable if you were to leave his children with a new man in your life for large chunks of time.      And neither would you.   

Even though mine are older I made it clear to my husband that I did not agree with what he was doing and did not find it acceptable.    And I had a right to my view.         I also asked him to put the interests of the children first and thankfully, the fog seemed to lift enough for him to see this himself.   I kind of think that if I hadn't spoken out he would not have really thought about this himself.  As for this being controlling when it comes to our children the advice I received here was simple.   We need to be Mamma Bear and look out for them as the MLCer is, in most cases, not able to do this.

Just my view in what I know is a minefield and probably the hardest part of all this nonsense.

CrazyStuff

[StandandDeliver]

CS, I agree in principle, but my biggest dilemma is that H is living with OW and I am legally obliged to let the chidren go to their D. I know that if I say that OW is not to look after them while they are there, he will simply go behind my back and do it anyway and feel justified lying about it (and MLCer's don't usually need a justification for lying) - I may make a comment to him about OW "babysitting" to make it clear that I do not regard her as a valid member of the family. I would rather know exactly what is going on (especially as the youngest one can't tell me) and react to it and protect the kids as much as I can in the circumstances (I mean, I have no intention of introducing another man into their lives anytime soon - I have no MLC "rush everything" compulsions and I don't want a R with anyone right now - not even H as he is such a jerk) than create a situation where I have no idea what H is doing with the kids while they are there.

Maybe I should tell H I am going away next weekend, but not to worry as the kids are staying with my new boyfriend and when he panics say "no, not really, but you didn't much like the idea did you?" hehehe. I know, that would be game playing, but it is tempting!!!

[CrazyStuff]

S&D,

Thanks for the clarification on the legal situation.   I didn't have that to deal with and my kids are older, and I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

One thing though - initially my h. was hell bent on 'making' the children accept OW and there is currently no contact with the oldest because of what he did; however, when I asked him directly if he thought what he was trying to do was really the right thing for them he actually did stop and think.     At the time he said to me 'I am their father and I know what is right for them'.   I even said to him so if I go and pick up some loser on the street and introduce him to the children you will be o.k. with it.    It was clear from his expression he never considered this and thought I was being absurd.   

Nevertheless he seemed to reconsider although without really saying why except that he was making sacrifices himself for our children! 

I am sure he hasn't completely given up thinking that with time our children will be happy with everything; however, for now he has backed off on this.   

 Is there any way you can have such a conversation with your h.?   Not about what he may want, not about what you may want but what is best for the children.   He might just surprise you.   Maybe you can offer to bring the kids to him when he is off work or move around some of the planned days to suit his schedule better.   

In the end you are right though the important thing is to know that your children are safe and being well cared for, and you seem to be handling this well.   

When are you moving to the City?

CrazyStuff

[Love being on higher grounds]

I am having to make some tough decisions and wanted a  better spectrum to look at 

[What Next]

Lost?Notanymore!,

I've voted but I am not in the States and the child support I receive from H is not legally binding, its just what he has offered & does send.  Hope this helps!

[limitless]

My situation is pretty much the same as HA.

We do not have any legally binding child support or agreement for support from my H.

We have two 17 year olds and, legally, he would be responsible for paying child support until they finish high school (next June).

Also, we own a home and I believe he would be responsible for paying some of the house payment, until we sell it and split the equity.  (at this point - none of this is agreed to or happening).

L

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Child support does vary, but it depends on many factors. The incomes of both parties, the time spent with the children, and medical expenses and so forth. Remember joint custody does not mean 50/50 on everything. All states have formulas and if you google it, you can actually download the form for the different states.

Also the support is until they turn 18 or graduate from high school, which ever happens last. That is to keep parents from kicking 17 year olds out as soon as they graduated or 18 years olds out before they graduated from school.

Spousal support is very complicated and depends on many factors. Time married, incomes earned, expenses incurred, and other factors. In my situation, I would owe my wife lifetime support until she remarried but the amount of debt she would carry would probably offset anything.

But my w would leave and take nothing.