[xyzcf]

Wow ready..you sure don't mince words do you?

[Buggy31]

check in on my thread i have a not too surprising update

[Trustandlove]

Hi,

OK, my sitch has taken a massive turn for the worse today; kids like OW and pretty much accept the situation as it is. 

I had no trouble talking to them when they were sad about H leaving, sad about him not being here, sad about us not being together.  One son still is, but the other two, at least D so far for sure, are saying "well, he has his life, and I like her". 

I know they aren't part of the Stand, they are fully entitled to their own thoughts and feelings, and I don't want to mess this up. 

I don't want to end up in a competition with this "nice, smart, clever, apparently well off"  OW.  I haven't seen a picture, but I"m sure ugly she isn't.

I remember my stepmother doing this -- being really cool, buying us stuff, having a glamorous job, taking my sister on an exotic holiday with my dad.  And that wasn't MLC -- it was my mother who left for OM. 

I look at our comfortable family home, but designer perfect it isn't, even if I am a designer.  I don't have the energy to do impressive dinners all the time.

The worst thing is that now, every time I think about treating them, it feels like I'm trying to bribe them.  It becomes a competition, and they get used to just getting great stuff all the time. 

And I don't want to do ANYTHING that makes them feel torn, or feel that they can't have their own feelings. 

Please help -- even though BD was 3 1/2 years ago for me this is new.  I haven't had to deal with this before.

How do I talk to them?  I know I need to keep things "business as normal", our routine, our rules.  That's not a problem. 

And how do I deal with the feelings of betrayal?  All along I could think that H was hurting, confused...  but now even the kids see that he's happy. 

This is still very raw. 

[Rebel Yell]

You are their Mom, nothing can replace you, and DON'T forget that!
You are not in a competition with this OW, don't let her get in your head.
Kids don't want stuff or trips nearly as much as they need a stable parent.
They are a part of YOU. Just keep loving them.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Your post is very hard to deal with. It is something that I have I have thought about. What if the kids like om and he makes my w happy? However, I think you have to realize your kids are trying to cope with an unhappy situation. Do you really think h and ow live the perfect life? No! I do not care what the situation is, you trade one set of problems for another set of problems. Even the kids will come to that conclusion. The odds are that ow will not last. Then your kids are going to have to deal with that loss as well.

Continue to live your life the way you want to live. Don't think of it as competition. Think of it as doing what you want to do. God Bless You and remember that you will always be their mother. You will be their best friend for life. Keep that in your heart and keep the love going. You are doing a great job and God will guide you to a better place. ((((Hugs)))

[Buggy31]

thinking of you T&L and struggling with the same questions......really...no easy answers....answer their questions as they come with as much facts and little emotional expression as you can but explain your emotions....you know...I don't know that will be my strategy....

Rest assured that he may SEEM happy but can you remember times with your H where he SEEMED happy to others and wore a different face for you...now you are the others....because he shut you out...and all IS NOT as it seems...He may be experiencing pleasure...but that is not happiness...and is not sustained...and does not come from within....so it will continue to be unsatisfying until he can come to terms with true joy and happiness.  Any relationship formed in his current state is not a solid union....remember that?   don't let em fool ya

[Voyager]

T&L
I can give some perspective as my kids Dad left me and I had to deal with that. He had a "friend" who happened to be there a lot.

It is really important that at least in one place they have normal routines and boundaries. Whatever happens they need to know that you love them and home is a safe place to talk about their feelings. I encouraged them to talk about what was going on for them in "the other place" and tried hard not to be judgemental, even though I hated it. I always told them that Dad loved them.

It will only be a competition if you think it is. My H had a lot of money and went through the treat stage. Of course the kids liked the treats, but they weren't swayed or bought by that. They remembered more what he didn't do for them. He didn't nurture or take time to listen. They remember that.

It feels so hard at first, but eventually it became routine for them. No matter how many treats were on offer, even that became routine.
Then they start to see things in their own way. it's surprising how thoughtful kids can be.

 They saw behind the treats. The treats gave a superficial feel good factor, but the kids kind of knew the score. Kids are amazingly adaptable if both parents can work together to minimise the impact and not project their feelings onto them.

 Yes it means being happy they've had a nice time at Dad's. Being super impressed with the toys. Wearing a smile and not letting your feelings show. They need to know you're ok with it. At least for now.

 There were problems with my younger S, he hated the change in routine and leaving me and then coming back home were always difficult times. But he did get through it. I think possibly because I didn't allow myself to show upset about his behaviour. But inside it was hard.


Now as adults they tell me how they really feel about their Dad. They do care, but I am the one they turn to and trust. I don't have any money, I don't have the nice life. But they both chose to have the deeper relationship with me.

[justasking]

T&L

This journey really stinks and puts us in positions we would never choose.

Your D maybe saying she likes OW and her dad needs his life. She is sure of your love and secure in that you will always be there for her. Her dad well that's another thing. He walked out on them and left their mother for another woman. All kids hate that.

They sense his betrayal on them. They have been taken to areas of sadness they didn't know existed. She doesn't trust this man. He is not her dad but she so wants him to be........

So the deal is she will like OW and accept his new life if it gets her the dad back she so badly wants. She doesn't like it but it is something she has to do.

Unfortunately your H is going to have to decide who is number 1 for him. He is now in a lose lose situation. Your D will expect to be number 1 but so does OW. Your D may not like this OW as much as she does now when things calm down and she sees her in true glasses not rose tinted ones.

Big hugs at this time. This is a terrible situation to find yourself in. But time will tell.

xx

[What Next]

T&L

I feel your pain and I am not sure if I can offer much advice as my H has not left for an OW.  But when he left he told our youngest D that he was leaving for a job (in another country) implying he will be back.  She asks everyday when he will be back.  This lie prevents me from really explaining how things are to her, especially why I get so emotional or angry at times.

I don't want her to lose the love she has for her Dad.  I did not have a good Dad myself and even though this has happened H was/is a great father.  Her expectation that things will be back to normal some day silences me.  I have become very practised at changing the subject or just allowing her to talk about how she feels rather than blurt out the truth or talk about how I feel, I have other people I can do that with.  Maybe try to let them feel how they feel and rather than competing, stick to your core values and talk to others.

This is all so unfair but I wish you well and know your strength will see you through.

[Trustandlove]

Thank you all; I know others have had to deal with this from the beginning.

That is one of the problems.  He has been gone for 3 1/2 years, in truth he has been through several OWs -- this is just the first time he has introduced one to children, or anyone else, for that matter.  For the first 2 1/2 years he was insisting that he never left for an OW, that finally came out a year ago.  As did a lot of other crap, the kind which really turns your stomach. 

Your D maybe saying she likes OW and her dad needs his life. She is sure of your love and secure in that you will always be there for her. Her dad well that's another thing. He walked out on them and left their mother for another woman. All kids hate that.

Well, he walked out....  they don't really see this as him leaving for another woman.  He said that he left because he was unhappy, and that now he is seeing someone.  A lot of time has passed, especially in kid years. 

So he can easily pass this off as "we've been separated for a long time, this is now a relationship",  so he doesn't have to face the "he left T&L for her" scenario.  That is also why I asked if this as well was an affair down.   I take on board what the answers were.

But yes, I fully see that she will take him any way she can get him.  She even once said that yes, he's having a mid-life crisis.  And that she was sometimes afraid that I might leave, but then said "but you can't, Mum -- you have to look after us". 

Other son hasn't said a word about her; he talked about his impressions of the holiday, mostly about the games he played on the many electronic toys they had.....  he did say he was a bit bored, which is normal for a 13-year-old in a place like that.  He didn't mention OW when we talked; only once did he say something about her camera when they came home.  And I didn't feel like bringing it up and asking how he felt about dad having a girlfriend. 

Special needs son again went to bed just crying, saying he wanted Dad here, he wanted us to be a family.  He had a mini-rant saying "he's not my dad anymore", but that was just a sentence or two.  He says "Dad's an idiot", but only sometimes.  It's in anger.  He says that he loves dad and wants him back.  Cries why did Dad break his wedding promise. 

Somehow I find that easier; I guess because it's almost a mantra to son now and I know the responses; and of course because it's how I feel..... 

Don't worry, I've only said positive things about how nice a time they've had; they didn't come back with piles of stuff, and even brought me a sweet little lavender bunny, which I will sleep with; it's meant for that, I think.  I've NEVER badmouthed H, and won't. 

But I did tell D that I thought the situation was wrong.  That one doesn't have a girlfriend while married.  It was in context; I think it was OK, but I'll listen to views on that.

So I know I can handle (at least on the outside) letting them talk safely about their feelings and about what they do with dad here; but the next question, building on what I said to D is:

What is it OK to tell them about values, marriages, keeping families together (the 'staying together for the sake of the kids' or not argument), all that?   My kids know that I place a high value on family, and it does come up occasionally, but we've never talked about this girlfriend issue, and whether that is right or wrong.  I don't want to come across as moralistic and preaching, either.

At the same time I don't want to say that "well, these things happen, it's OK".  Thoughts?


V, I know they will eventually see me as the stable parent, and everything you say.  But that doesn't really help now, unfortunately.