[Hope for Zen]

Hey, I'm not going to 2x4 you, but I'm sticking to the 'tell-them-and-let-go stance'.  If I have information about my D, who is only 3 btw, and fail to TELL him, it is on me.  If he has been told and fails to note it or forgets... that is on HIM.

Please note, I don't remind him or ask if he will be there or not.  I make my own plans and let it go at that. 

If she were 13 it would be different and more of this would shift to the child.  At 23, different again and an even bigger shift.

Just my .02 though.

[rediscover]

TIL

You mentioned that you can forward emails.  Why not add his email to the email distribution list at the school so that he gets the emails directly from the school.  For upcoming classroom events or special things i went directly to the teacher and asked for the monthly schedule.  I forward that once a month.  Fortunately, they usually have a lesson plan that carrys them through the month.
I have added my H to the email list and to the phone list.  For example, yesterday they did a telephone announcement about the school being on lockdown.  The message goes to both my cell phone and his cell phone.  It's like a reverse 911 system.  Most schools have this.

[Trustandlove]

It's only one of our schools which isn't so great on admin; I have asked them to send stuff on to him, but they don't send much by post or e-mail; it's mostly just letters home.  That I can't change. 

It's very few things, actually; I can ask the school again to send e-mails to him as well, as well as add his cell phone to the list if they haven't already done so.   

Yes, Ready, I see the point that he wants me to be responsible for him.  I guess it's more fear in me, fear of yet again saying "this is now your responsibility"; fear of him walking yet further away.  But what's he going to do, leave?   

The other part of me is darker -- I think I probably have been intentionally not telling him, without explaining why.   But I got a bit defensive when he asked, rather than saying that if he wanted to know he needed to get the info himself. 

Food for thought. 

[Trustandlove]

As ever, sitting on things for a while always makes things clearer.  That is what is so good about this forum. 

I've composed a short, very polite, e-mail, which hasn't been sent yet, simply saying that I've been thinking about the dates issue and  think it is best if he ensures that he has the necessary dates, etc, himself, as I can't be sure of what he has and doesn't have, and that it isn't right that I become responsible that he has the necessary information.  That I of course will answer questions if he has any or needs to check something, clarify things, etc, but that in principle I will assume that he has the same information from the various schools as I do.

I may refine that a bit, but that way he himself can sort whether or not he gets e-mails, texts or whatever.  I had already asked all the schools to do that, btw.  Two schools I think are fine, it's just the third one that really isn't great on admin.  I find myself going in to their office to check things quite frequently....   But if that's their only failing then I'll forgive them, because otherwise they are great. 

The unsaid subtext here is that it's a WIFE's job to give him this info, as he has made me redundant then that is no longer my job.....

I will of course inform him if anything drastic happens, if a child ends up in the hospital or whatever; this really is strictly about school dates. 

[Hope for Zen]

Sounds like you found a good solution for your situation. 
 

[Still]

T&L,

I think you just have to find what works best in your situation.

Even though my H lives at home, there is less communication than some people have who are separated. I forward any emails to him, write down any dates that come in the mail, and keep a master calendar on the refrigerator. Once I have told him things, I do not remind him. I am fortunate in that he has remained very involved in appointments, school meetings, kids' lessons, but that may all change once he moves out.

[Storm Rider]

T&L,

H also assumes I will take care of the school stuff and let him know about dates etc. For a long time, he would participate only if he felt like it, there was no point for much of that time for me to give him any schedules, he was not in that zone. Now, he will cycle, with several weeks or a couple of months where he wants to know and attends many things, and then a month or so when he forgets completely the most basic details such as what dates to pick up the toddlers.

We have just agreed for me to put this in writing for him for the next term. He is still terrible with keeping track of even basic emails, as he had an almost photographic memory pre MLC, and never used to have to write anything down. I will also provide information such as links to the schools latest news letters, so that he can look up the information for himself in future. As he looks after the toddlers himself for many key events, I will need to remind him of the most important ones that fall when he has them, only so that the toddlers do not miss out.

My main goal, in my case, is to do as much as I need to do to make sure my toddlers life runs as smoothly as possible. They are just too little to be able to do keep track of their own schedule right now. In my case, H attempts to do the right thing in this area, so this solution is tolerable for me. It has, however, been a very long time since he has heard from me about anything such as car insurance. He did realise after three months it had run out, and eventually sorted it!

[Trustandlove]

Thanks, everyone.  Ready's words really crystallised it for me; the bit about me being responsible for him.  That sorted it in my mind.  So if I particularly want him to be someplace, yes, it's up to me to tell him when that is.  And certainly I'd tell him about emergencies.  That isn't the issue. 

This really is about the general attitude that he expects me to be responsible for him knowing; I guess at this time it's right that if he asks, I'll be happy to tell --- even if he says "could you let me know about ____".  It's just the basic bit about me telling him about everything and him just picking things "if it suits". 

I haven't actually sent the e-mail yet; sometimes the universe intervenes and my internet was down all day yesterday.  Now it turns out that I have another legitimate reason to contact him (to do with childrens' birthday present), so can tack this on to it, so that it doesn't come across as being belligerent for the sake of it. 

SR, if he were to ask me to put down all relevant dates for a term I would certainly do it.  It's the "assuming I'll do it anyway" bit that I object to.  If he asks, that is him taking responsibility for finding out.  I don't mind how he gets the info, I'm happy to give it, it's just the responsibility idea. 

The background to this is that he has several times before said things that indicate that he would want me to do a lot of the "wife" stuff, except the sex.  I have politely refused this in the past, this is just another thing in that category. 

Regarding things like car insurance or anything to do with the house, I have long since sorted all that for myself, he hasn't been involved in any of it for ages. 

Since I realised all this and sorted it in my mind I've felt a lot of peace, which is nice. 

[Trustandlove]

OK, me again.  I ended up not sending anything, realising that doing so would just be lecturing or something like that.  I felt peace, that was what was most important.  If and when it comes up again I have my response now.

But here's me not sure about "getting it right" again.....  this time regarding informing H of my plans to take kids away for a few days over winter break. 

Do I just make the plans w/o telling him, and let him find out if he asks or wants to do something with them then?  Do I make the plans and send a short e-mail just letting him know? 

I think what he envisions is me saying "how would you like to share the kids over the break?" or something to that effect, before making any plans, which is what just sticks in my gut.  That is the "co-parenting" model that I so hate; with everyone thinking that the separation is OK.  I know, I may be in the wrong here. 

In the past I have pretty much just made the plans and told him; he did ask in passing a week or so ago, I said honestly then that I hadn't made specific plans yet.  Well, now we've come up with an idea....

He has said that he wants to be friends, and has accused me of not wanting to.  My response has been that any definition of friendship he has given has been very one-sided.  So here I don't want to cave to his one-sided definition of friendship, but definitely do not want to be unreasonable. 

My gut seems to be saying make the plans and send the short e-mail....  don't want to come across as being vindictive.   I've started reading "The Solo Partner" and the first chapter is very hard-hitting about recognising your own role (i.e. if you are being selfish, vindictive, or whatever)....  it has me going. 

But am I missing a trick here? 

I know this shouldn't be complicated. 

[StandandDeliver]

How do people navigate this relationship with their children?
What if your kids hate him/her?
What if they love him/her?
How early on should they be introduced and does it matter?
Any tips from more seasoned LBS's on coping with hearing how great or how awful LBS is from kids?