[FindingNemo]

I hope I am putting this in the correct area for discussion...

I have been reading a lot of threads trying to get a grasp on what I am dealing with and a thought occurred to me.  It seems to me that the MLC spouse that comes around the most and / or has the most interaction with their family all seem to be in some sort of counseling.  They might still be fogged up in the head, but at least they are making some sort of effort to get things right. 

So, my question is this --- How did they end up in counseling?  Did you ask them to go?  Did you have to beg, plead, threaten with divorce or some sort of consequences?  Or did they just up and decide to go seek help one day all on their own? 

I asked my husband to attend counseling back in January and his answer was Not right now.  So, is 4 months too short of a time span to attempt to address this issue again?  How would I go about trying to bring this back up in a way that doesn't sound like I am nagging or pleading?   

I really do think that if my husband had someone that he could talk to and could get feedback from he would be so much better off. 

Any one care to share their thoughts or experience? 

[serenity]

My personal view is that while your H is in the thick of MLC - counselling is a waste of time!

I tried quite a bit in the early days of his crisis and my H just lied and talked rubbish. He's now getting someways towards the end of it and has started counselling again. He's gone through quite a few of them but I've no idea how it's going as he goes alone!

Hope that helps.

X

[barbiedoll]

i totally agree. We went to counselling for 6 months and TOTAL waste of time and emotional misery. He lied , said horrible things, blamed me etc. and i paid for this? He is now home and attening weekly.

[CallanG]

I think if they are seeing an IC then it has to be a good thing , but you have to remember how deep down some of their issues are . It will take a lot of time for the IC to work to the route of the problems and to start with a lot of the work might just be getting them from day to day .

My h has been in counselling for a year but most of the time was just getting him from week to week .

[BB64]

Counsellers listen. They don't advise. They validate feelings and thoughts. What's there to validate when the 'patient' talks crazy and is living in a make believe existence?
When the patient doesn't know what he is running from?

Asking them to go, asking them to do anything that might work in our favour is not something a mlcer receives well.

My mlcer won't even see a doctor because he reckons:'' The doctors know nothing, full of crap and trying to shove parmaceuticals down our neck!''

So instead he takes anti-depressants of the streets, anything to numb the soul and pain so long as it down is HIS choice and in HIS control!

[Upwards]

My H has been through rehab last year and started seeing one of their counsellors about a month ago - I think HE had to be ready to face his demons this time round, he knew he needed to & knew that he would have to seek counselling to do it but he had to be at a place where he was ready and strong enough to start that part of his journey I think.

The cousellors there are very "hands on" in the sense that they will take no bull$hit as they are used to working with addicts who are very good at hiding their true feelings & burying their emotions, for my H this has been a really positive thing as it seems to have forced him to face up to things & ensured that he cant just talk the talk, its also provoked a lot of different ways of thinking etc for my H.

I think finding a good counselor is crucial!

[toomanytearss]

I did not find counseling to be helpful.  I think unless it's their choice to go for themselves and the counselor is very well trained in mlc and pro marriage that it's a waste of time and in my case it was a fiasco that made things worse a lot quicker.  So do a lot a research before you make a decision on going that route.

[i can and will cope]

my h told my son he has seen many counsellors and psychologists and he still doesnt understand or know why he did whart he did ? so dont know what counsellors can do to help , i had counsekling too but dont think she rally knew or recognised mlc at all

[LaughLoveLive]

I agree that counsellors can be very hit or miss and also think the MLCer will hear only what they want to hear.

In my case, H did see a counsellor who basically told him that "sometimes feelings do change, there's not always a reason why....so when you move out make sure to get a house with enough bedrooms for the kids and for gods sake get a lawyer" well that's what H told me anyway, who knows what he told the counsellor or what the counsellor actually said. It's all so filtered and skewed by perspective.

I saw a fantastic counsellor for myself for almost two years, who believed in "life crises" that arose out of " unresolved issues". She carefully avoided talking of a mid life crisis but in any event her focus was on me and making me think about the future I wanted and how to cope with what had happened and also helped with some issues with my children. I thought she was great, a life saver in fact. But perhaps that's MY perspective!!

We did see a marriage counsellor a few times. H agreed to go saying "it won't change anything for me but it might help me find the words to tell you why I need to leave" well, he never found the words except to accuse me of being too rigid and controlling, our relationship for being too insular, my family were all socially inept, and he "just can't go back to that relationship". The counsellor was not really prepared and admitted to me later that all Hs reasons were insubstantial and then jokingly mentioned MLC. At least he put me on the right path there and that's when started searching and came across this forum.

I asked the counsellor about MLC a little later. He agreed it was real enough and all I could do was leave H to sort through his stuff. he also agreed that MLC destroyed families and marriages but there was little he could do unless H chose to seek help. He  was very good and tried to follow up with H but was just got lied to to eg rang H workplace to be left on hold for 30 mins then was told H was on leave when that was not true. I suspect OW (his PA) had a hand in that deception. I can picture the two of them conspiring together to get rid of the nasty counsellor on the phone.

I have an expectation that counselling would be part of any reconciliation attempt ... I would steer H away from his original counsellor and head him towards the counsellors I have found to be more in tune with the MLC idea and also pro marriage ... But perhaps I am just incredibly naive.

[serenity]

The original counsellor that H and I saw together completely fell for my H's claptrap and did make remarks to me about my behaviour!!! It completely validated my H's disgusting behaviour and I refused to go back after a while because I was being made to look the villain and the one responsible for our marriage breakdown. The counsellor completely misunderstood and just thought the issues were that I wouldn't allow my H to have any friends!

It was me that sat there in tears whilst my H sat gently holding my hand seemingly oh so caring in front of the counsellor so I just told my H I was no longer going as he was doing nothing but telling lies!

If counsellors take their patients at face value and believe their lies and rubbish then I don't see how any of it can be helpful!

X