[Reallytrying]

As a therapist myself I have to say how disappointing and disillusioning I have found counseling in this instance. My h was in counseling for a year (at least) and all it seemed to do was give him permission to leave because he can claim he "tried" but she never challenged his rewriting of history or his symptoms of depression. His mask never came off with her and even though she heard the other side from me she never pushed him. She was as much an enabler as his family. For the longest time I struggled with the feeling that I sought counseling for him/us and unwittingly gave him the courage to BD and then leave.

[Shadoe]

My h's therapist supposedly told him he had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and he was right for leaving and should divorce me so he can concentrate on himself.


Of course, that is his version so who knows if it what was really said.

[Onward]

As a therapist myself I have to say how disappointing and disillusioning I have found counseling in this instance. My h was in counseling for a year (at least) and all it seemed to do was give him permission to leave because he can claim he "tried" but she never challenged his rewriting of history or his symptoms of depression. His mask never came off with her and even though she heard the other side from me she never pushed him. She was as much an enabler as his family. For the longest time I struggled with the feeling that I sought counseling for him/us and unwittingly gave him the courage to BD and then leave.

We 'saw' three different counsellors, but never 'did' any counselling. One MC encouraged the split (unethical) as soon as my H said he felt disconnected (I kid you not). H claims he saw an IC, and I have no illusions that would have encouraged him to follow a path of 'set-determination'. Disasters all around for the commitment of marriage.

[Velika]

I don't understand either why a marriage counselor, faced with a couple where one person is clearly insisting that the other has gone a radical personality change, doesn't suggest a visit to neurologist or psychiatrist. Any medical advice you read re sudden personality changes suggests this. Why does a mental health professional suddenly choose to totally disregard?

I think until there is a "big" story on this that examines from a neurological perspective this is unlikely to happen. Still, it's a major part of the problem. I even had plenty of evidence that my H43 had undergone a radical shift and that this had happened repeatedly in his family.

I guess what you write is true, Watcher, that this also mimics a pattern in a typical split. Did anyone in your group observe a personality change? Someone wrote that this was a key distinguishing feature of MLC, but if you read "infidelity" sites you also see. Is there a difference?

[Ready2Transform]

Even with healthcare escalating to psychiatric care for my xH, it hurt more than it helped. When someone is in an altered state, as long as they're not a danger physically to themselves or others, there's little the professionals can do but assist them with what they want. For my xH, I believe he was probably framing things that he wanted a life change. I don't even know for sure that he told them he was married (I sort of doubt it). I think that's what makes marriage counseling so tough to 'treat' MLC, since it's not a marriage issue - what can a counselor do but provide support for the direction the client wants to go? No one can force your spouse to stay in the marriage once they become set on leaving it. It took me years to not hold others accountable for that, but it's getting easier.

[1trouble]

Just want to put a few things on here my sister ( a psychotherapist ) has told me and my own therapist (who is a neuroscientist) has said which has helped me to deal with MLC.....

My therapist has also helped me with my own personal issues of co-dependency, abandonment and fixer mentality in relation to all this but I want to concentrate on the MLC element.

All MLC'ers are different as are our situations because what brings all of us here and our MLC'ers to crisis are a mix of different situations, personalities, coping mechanisms etc.

My therapist has always emphasised compassion, reminding me H is in CRISIS.

She has always said if I feel the need to rant, moan, complain, cry to do this away from H as he cannot cope with it.

She has always stressed all communication should contain rational statements, H is working on emotion so if I get emotional its like adding fuel to the fire.  If my communication is rational and making factual statements its more likely to get a response.

She believes MLC'ers fall into two main groups, those racked with guilt and shame with low self esteem who feel worthless (my H is one of these) and those MLC'ers who are narcisisistc, these tend to monster are more demanding, angry, entitled etc.
As my H is the former she has always emphasised me mirroring his communication, responding to him and reminding him, where appropriate of his accomplishments and what I love about him.

She has encouraged me, again where appropriate, to talk to him about shared memories and to make communications light and loving, to remind him of what we had.

She has always told me not to chase or put pressure on him.

Sadly we don't have much time together due to OW pressure but one thing she did say to me which I think is invaluable for those reconnecting or having more lengthy touch and goes is to not push talking about serious things but to recreate the atmosphere and a reminder of times when things were different and good between us and to do things which envoke these memories, as when people are more relaxed they are more likely to open up and talk.

This is just a few things if I think of more I will put them up here

[Velika]

1Trouble, these are great tips. Did she mention a good approach for a narcissist MLC? I'm starting to feel best approach is to avoid but would be curious to hear a professional opinion.

[Thunder]

There are only 2 things I don't agree with, otherwise great advice.

1.  I don't think it's wise to avoid completely your MLCer for 3 months after BD.  This is the time to pave the way.  Before they go deeper into their tunnel.

2.  I think bringing up the "good times" in the beginning is a mistake.  They only get irritated or angry because they don't want to hear about or remember the good times.  Like they didn't happen.  They only want to dwell on the negative so they can convince themselves they are doing the right thing.
They will remember those good times when their ready.

[Ready2Transform]

Absolutely agree with Thunder. I planted seeds of memories (wore the old perfume, tried to bring up little things we'd done here and there) and it went horribly. They can be very direct and cruel about not wanting that.

[Thunder]

Me too, Ready.  One of the few times he snapped at me was when I started talking about good memories or fun times together.

"THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!"  "YEAH THAT WAS THEN THIS IS NOW!"

So I completely stopped trying to get him to remember.
After a few years he remembered things on his own and we talk about them now and laugh or just reminisce.