[JustFine&Dandy]

I've mentioned in a few posts that my dad went through a MLC when I was a teenager.  I'm curious if anyone else has had that experience and how it may affect your perception/behaviors with a spouse's MLC.

My dad dropped the bomb to my mom when I was around 18 and a senior in high school.  My parents always had a rocky relationship, but they were very religious and active in our church - so divorce was never an option.  Before BD, my dad got an apartment close to where he taught school (he had an hour drive).  We were told it was easier for him during the week, and he came home every weekend.  I remember he also started putting some money into renovations for our house (maybe because he was feeling guilty).

I can't remember if Dad told Mom about OW, or if she figured it out.  I just know that she lost it completely...  She told my sister and I everything, so we naturally were against my dad.  Mom was a mess and was numb from taking anti-depressants.  I remember standing up for her and telling my dad off on several occasions.  Dad pretty much withdrew from all of us, and we never had to be subjected to his OW.  She was a single mom and ended up opening credit cards with my mom's social security number! 

Anyway, Dad and I talked recently about his ordeal now that I am going through this (trust me, this is a conversation I never thought I would have!).  I think he has blocked out a lot of it, but he does remember being extremely depressed.  He said he had to hit rock bottom before ending it with his OW and fixing his life.  I know that he and Mom talked about getting back together, but it just didn't work.  They ended up divorced, and Dad married a nice lady he met later.  Mom never remarried, and now she has Alzheimer's and lives with me...

So, I think my experience with my Dad's MLC has helped me to be stronger than my mom was, AND I am super protective of the kids.  I also know that my dad was a totally different person during those years, but he did return and he experienced personal growth from his experience.  I guess that gives me some hope that eventually my H will work through this like my dad did.

[HeartsBlessing]

My Dad went through a MLC as I was a teen, BUT I didn't make the total connection until AFTER my husband came out his MLC.

I don't think I was ever meant to make that connection until later; because it would have further colored my perceptions; and the Lord knows they were colored enough without being complicated by remembering, and connecting the dots in regards to my dad going through.

He was still within the tunnel, even to his death; but he didn't leave my mother; he told her not long before he died, that they would have a "new beginning"..it is possible that he was trying to settle himself.   Yet, he died at 60 years old before that happened and came about.

 One will never know, and certainly not I.

I think the point is; a parent's MLC has NOTHING to do with the current events at hand..and some of us don't make that total connection until our own situation resolves in which ever way it will resolve.

Remember, as each person is different, each MLC is different...and each person deals with their crisis differently.

It might help to know what your parents dealt with; but it wouldn't give you that much insight into your own, if that makes sense.  The generational gap, and the fact that parents from that time and era never shared much with the children, even after they were grown; contributed to being hit out of nowhere.

I know that if I'd made this connection; it wouldn't have helped me to deal any more effectively; as my dad was a very abusive; immature, and selfish man before and during the crisis.  And he damaged me in an emotional way during his trip through the tunnel.

Although, my husband's personality was somewhat similar, they were not just alike...and I'm actually glad I never made that kind of a connection between the two.

Even if I'd known before, I couldn't have accepted it; it's the way of the young to not want to look at bad things like that ever happening......but they do, and come about with regularity.

It is a logical assumption that our parents dealt with the transitional growing/changing/MLC; but it was never talked about.  The closest I ever heard of this type of crisis was when I saw a man who was dressing like a teen, had the gold necklaces/jewelry, shirt open to the waist, showing all his gray chest hairs, had a convertible AND a blonde on his arm.

When I asked, my mother said that man was going through the "Middle Age Crazies" whatever that was to my teenage mind.   I tried to ask more questions, and she wouldn't discuss it with me; said I was too young...and when I grew up, I'd understand more.

She was right; but she had passed away before my husband's MLC...so I could not ask her anything.

And you know, it was odd; but my dad said something strange that actually did come to pass for my husband; I'd passed it off as nothing; but I remembered it when my husband fell to adultery.  My dad said that if "it"(sex) was offered...if my husband was any kind of a man, he would take it, no matter WHO offered it.  I remember getting pretty upset at that time with him for saying something that crass...but he ended up being right; and never lived to see it.

I never would have thought in my wildest dreams that I would ever face this for real; but I did; and survived it.

I've not thought of what my parents dealt with in quite awhile; but your question triggered a few memories of my own; so I thought I'd share them.

[Purple stain]

I actually just recently asked my dad about that cause my parents amost got divorced when I was a teen. My dad said it was something else, he felt excluded from our family but my mum mentioned OW but she doesn't know for sure. So I'm not sure, may be my dad just sees it differently?

[ForeverHopefulOne]

My mom went through a MLC when I was in my mid-twenties.  She had an affair, divorced my dad, got a facelift, and moved to Palm Springs with her boyfriend (who was also married when they got together), where they live to this day.

She was horrible to my father!  Treated him like garbage.  My dad was heartbroken; he wore his wedding ring until the day he died 10 yrs later; I now wear that ring proudly.

[Buggy31]

FHO
Ohmy!   I never knew...how touching... your dad's ring and loving loyalty....I"m crying.....really

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Thank you, Buggy.  My dad was a dedicated father to me and my 6 siblings; he was also a dedicated H to my mom - I'm sure they had their issues, but he always showed he love in front of us kids.

My dad literally dropped dead on september 25, 1998; we had a lunch date that day; I walked into his house to find him lying on his bathroom floor.  When the mortician placed my father in a bodybag, I couldn't watch - I went outside - he came out, handed me my dad's wedding ring, I placed it on my finger and have not taken it off since.  I miss my dad.  Sorry for the ramble.

[BraveNewWorld]

FHO, you're a lovely person. You've been faced with a lot of challenges in your life, yet you're calm, loving and so good humored. That ring is a treasure, and I'm glad for you that you have that connection with your dad. How is your relationship with your mom now? And with her OM?

holdingon

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Thank you, HoldingOn, so sweet of you to say.  I love this ring more than anything and I would love to give it to my S some day.

I love my mother, but I don't like her very much.  Since she lives 2 hrs away from me, I don't see her much - maybe once a year.  Her boyfriend, he is another story!  I witnessed him leave my mom a few times to go back to his wife; I also witnessed my mother doing whatever she could to get him back - it was sickening.  So, yes, I blame my mother for the demise of our family.

2 of my brothers, a sister and myself are either divorced or separated.  We all married our mother!

[Voyager]

My Dad had a MLC and i honestly believe it killed him, like HB I didn't join up the dots until this year. I was in my early twenties and living away from home.
My mum rang up in hysterics one night. My Dad had had a heart attack and was in hospital.

The person who told her was OW. Mum had no idea about her.

Dad and OW had been out and were getting a takeaway and he keeled over in the queue. When he got to the hospital OW rang my Mum and told her, but also told her my Dad didn't want to see her.

OW was 4 years younger than me!!

OW quickly took control, my Dad recovered from that Heart attack, and for a while they lived in a caravan park and finally got a house. Dad never saw my Mum again.

Very quickly after that OW got pregnant. I have a half sister who is 25yrs old. I haven't seen her since she was 3yrs.

When my half sister was 2yrs my Dad had another massive heart attack and died at his home, he was 59 years.

I was the only member of our family who kept in touch with him but it was hard as OW was awful. Before he died Dad told me that he wasn't happy and regretted what he had done, but he was a very weak man and OW was very controlling. Perhaps if she hadn't got pregnant there may have been a chance between him and Mum, I don't know.

 I think the stress of it all and the fact that he was looking after a young baby while OW worked and then drinking heavily when she came home contributed in a big way to his death.

I remember my mum being in total meltdown and she went through a really hard time, looking back I wish I had understood what was happening and I could have been more supportive, but in your 20's you can be very selfish without realising it.

 Luckily for Mum she later met a lovely man and they were together for 20years until he died. Both my parents are dead I still "feel" my Mum though...she isn't pleased with my h at all!!

My brothers wife also had a MLC - she ran off with OM, who was 17 years younger than her in her forties and left my brother with their 2 sons who were 11 and 13 at the time. Even then I only realised that it was probably a MLCin her case too when my own sitch started.
 
I've posted my brothers story before, it's a sad one. They never got back together, but last year had an affair with each other.

My H's Dad had a MLC when h was in his late teens, he went to live with OW but came home after a few months. Not long after that H's Dad found OW dead, she'd killed herself.

The year before h and I got married H's Uncle had a MLC and left his wife to live with OW in Spain, he came back after a year or so.

I used to feel sad that h had seen his Mum go through being abandoned and his Aunt, but doesn't seem to have joined the dots for himself!!

I'm sure there's a lot of lessons to learn from mine and his families experience, seeing it written down in black and white like this is certainly food for thought. 

[What Next]

My Dad is 86yrs old and constantly tells us that when he was fifty he thought he would not see us grown/married or have our own children.  This really irrates my siblings as he was/is a distant parent and our mother though 10yrs his junior died 9yrs ago.  My Dad never left but wore her down in other ways. She was amazing and is missed everyday. 

After BD I got to thinking about my Dad and what he would say (H is 48yrs) and I asked my Dad recently if he could remember how he felt back then when he thought he would never see us grown up.  Now bear in mind we are dealing with a man who never expressed a feeling until after my mother died (no it wasn't loss or heartbreak - it was how lonely he was!!!!).  He told me that he had felt old, trapped in his life with 6 children and no time or money of his own. My Dad was always a good grafter and financially supported us better than those around us at the time.  He said he wnet through a few years of being really unhappy.  I'm not sure if he ever came out the other end because he was a nightmare to live with and I have to admit I was quite hard on my Mum for putting up with him.  In her defence she would say the man she married was still in there, just we didn't get to see him. 

Who knows maybe it wasn't MLC but like many things since my Mum has passed, I wish she was here for me to sympathise and apologise to.