[OffRoad]

Good luck, Divided. That brings having a live in MLCer up a notch, she isn't just live in, yours is take her to another country where the OM is actually at. I don't envy you your situation and decisions.

[stayed]

That's one of the beauties of this forum, just when you think you have the worst situation EVER.. somebody comes along who makes your situation look INSIGNIFICANT!

I definitely do not envy anybody in this crap shoot!  I don't know why it happens and  wish there was something being done to deal with it... at least considering that it was real, would be a good place to start.

Hugs Stayed

[OffRoad]

Another beauty of this forum for me was the realization that I wasn't insane. He really WAS behaving like a moody teenager, 10 year old, whiny baby, entitled teeny bopper, rinse and repeat. After the initial shock wore off and I realized I couldn't do a darned thing about it anyway, I knew I was luckier than most, because I got the chance to put myself together before anything really horrible happened. I may have been emotionally beaten into the ground over the previous 3 years, but there was nothing like suddenly realizing I didn't have to feel like that ever again. It wasn't me. He was lying. I never could have done that without everyone here sharing their stories.

It's the only reason I can still be here, in this house, with my crazy cycling MLCer who appears to be growing up right in front of my eyes.  Having seen everyone else's story, if things start to go badly , I know to remove myself from the situation. Just don't engage. And I know I will be OK, no matter what happens in the future.

[stayed]

No kidding OffRoad!  It is such a relief to not have to deal with this all by yourself.  I dealt with crazy boy for 6 years, all by myself.  Even when I finally managed to convince him we needed some help and got us a counselor, the counselor looked at me as though I was the problem.  My h sat there with that smug, calculating look on his face, during those sessions, pushing my buttons.  I remember the last time we went, we had come in separate cars as we came from our work places, when we got home, he was literally GLOATING about how "even the counselor" knew that I was the crazy one.  We had a terrible argument and we never went back.  There simply was no point. 


He got really bad after that.  In his mind, the counselor had validated his behaviour.  He decided that the counselor didn't blame him for being unhappy, living with such a miserable cow as that.  Shortly after that he secretly started applying for jobs oversea's.  He knew I didn't want to go and I think he thought I might even REFUSE to accompany him, which would have made it so much easier, as I would have been the one LEAVING.  Next thing I knew, we were in Europe.  Living the dream.  Really enjoying ourselves, until the next time, that was.


No, I really wish this forum had existed during those times.  Would have been so reassuring to know, it really wasn't all in my IMAGINATION as my husband kept telling me it was.


hugs Stayed

[MIMIx]

I see this whole thing as a giant life trap.  It just keeps on snowballing out of control.  We are the victims.  We don't have to act like victims, but we are.

I cannot understand the people around me.  They have great sympathy for me.  They tell me to RUN FAR AND FAST because they see my H and they hear what he has to say to them...they see his darkness.  But, the problem is, they tell me instead of him.  No one that I know of has confronted him and told him to have a look in the mirror.  Everyone is afraid tget they will say or do the wrong thing.  They just want to be neutral so as to be friends with both of us.  They don't have much at stake here.  
So he carries on, thinking he is right, everyone is okay with it, that he full of courage, full of control. He is not listening to anyone who is challenging him and his actions. I learned this yesterday.  He does not want to listen.

I don't think anyone can save you. You have to save yourself.  

[Reinventing]

I don't think they can 'hear'. It doesn't penetrate until they have wound down from replay. I'm watching a situation in RL, where friends of a guy joke with him about what a floppy his OW is, and the MLCER just seems to think they are all joking around as usual. He isn't at all hearing what they are saying. One day he will be horrified that he hooked up with this OW, but right now he's just having fun, thinking their comments are humorous.

[Divided V. Stand]

Good luck, Divided. That brings having a live in MLCer up a notch, she isn't just live in, yours is take her to another country where the OM is actually at. I don't envy you your situation and decisions.

Right, OffRoad. I don't envy myself either - but I also don't envy anybody else on this board. We all have different battles to fight, but we're all in the same war. I want to believe that what we get from this is what we need. I'm learning a lot. The situation IS WHAT IT IS. I won't change it by not liking it, whining about it or being angry about it. Really, all I can do is accept it for what it IS. Perhaps when both the MLCer and LBS learn to accept reality, they have a chance. As to decisions, those are a little harder. Accepting the situation is the passive part, the decisions - I'll be actively making and then living with the consequences. Maybe that's another thing I need to learn - make a decision (the best I can given the facts and available options) - and never look back. No could haves, would haves, ifs or buts. Once the decision is made, it's water under the bridge. Trying to be pragmatic about it, we'll see how it goes.

[stayed]

Well Divided, the decision to accompany your wife and children to Europe does not NEED to be made yet.  I suggest you give it some time.  Get the Legal advise you need and then decide.  Until then, I would be that idea on a back burner somewhere.  Who knows, maybe your wife and her OM will have broken up by then, or perhaps Om will be too afraid to leave his wife.  Whatever... no need to question your integrity/honour yet.

Hugs Stayed

[Divided V. Stand]

Agreed, stayed. I didn't even want to put it out here until the decision making time was closer... Legal advice seems like a good idea, may be the best few hundred dollars ever spent. Other than that, it will be on the back burner for now. Things could change in a few months, although my original hopes that this might be over by next summer have diminished big time.

[stayed]

 I so wish I could assure you that this mess will be done and dusted by next summer, but I will not lie to you.  It is EXTREMELY unlikely that your wife will be out of the tunnel, unless she is having a transition, rather then a full blown MLC.  I'm not sure that a transition is better, but if you consider it to be a WARNING and perhaps do the Mirror Work and lead her towards some good, thorough introspection of her own, you might be able to prevent it from becoming a full blown crisis. 

MLC is not for the "weak of heart"!  Uggh...

hugs Stayed