[gillies9]

My live in wants to stay another 50 months then file in jersey a divorce could take 3 years or more she cycles constantly breaks down monsters  oh we hopefully it's off to the rubber room for her I should be so lucky

[Darth Obo]

S&D, limitless, Learning,

Thanks you ladies for your responses and words of wisdom. Everyone is different and when put to the test, will handle and react to situations different. One of you mentioned my military background and you hit the nail on  the head. When in doubt, counter. The best defense is a well executed offense. Touche!

When I typed my response I wasnt in a very good place and perhaps my mindset and choice of words were a bit more brutal than they needed to be. I re-read my post and you are correct...a lot of anger, resentment....maybe even a little hatred was coming through!

I do feel the need to be in control. Part of that definitely stems from being In charge of troops for 90% of my career. You are correct, she is not one of my soldiers and I cant treat her as such. Let me clarify a couple things. I have only bowed up on her like that a couple times! You are correct that it was a couple times too many but at the time I felt I needed too. I felt if I didnt put a stop the that specific behavior she would try to run roughshod over me. Other than that, I am just really firm. And no, I dont just walk away...I truth dart her as much as needed to shut her down! I understand the validation techniques....sometimes I just dont feel like validating the same crap over and over again. Sometimes the things she does hurts / pisses me off so bad I just feel like retaliating! This doesnt happen as mucb but it creeps out still so i guess I need more patience there.

The one thing I do not do is face off with her in front of D11. Even before all this crap started we never argued or disagreed in front of her. Unfortunately,  she doesnt mind showing her ass whenever so in those instances, I do bite my tongue and wait until we are alone.

As far as punishing the MLCer.....we may have to agree to disagree.....or maybe its just that we "frame" it differently. Allow me to clarify.....

Punishment.....maybe that is too harsh of a term....lets substitute Corrective Action. I observe a bad behavior....I want the behavior to stop or change to a good behavior....I decide on a Corrective Action to promote good behavior!

Ok....lets take a look at boundary setting.....

1. State the offensive behavior
2. State the desired behavior
3. State the consequences (I.e. Corrective Action) that will occur if bad behavior occurs again (in other words, if you do something I dont like I am going to do something you wont like to make you stop the bad behavior and behavevthe way I want you to)

NC is a perfect example.....you go NC....there is two ways to look at it that are perfectly valid and they are both true:
1. NC is good for me because I remove myself from the toxic spew
2. My MLCer wants to talk to me but I took that priveledge away as a result of bad behavior boundary

1/2 foot or 6 inches? Either way the result is the same!

I can tell you one thing, you all have forced me to look at things and see if standing truly is for me and how long I can do it! I hope I am wrong but I dont thinkI am a long term stander like some of you! It gets harder every day to not just pack up D11 and leave her in my dust!


OBO

[stayed]

NC is a perfect example.....you go NC....there is two ways to look at it that are perfectly valid and they are both true:
1. NC is good for me because I remove myself from the toxic spew
2. My MLCer wants to talk to me but I took that priveledge away as a result of bad behavior boundary

1/2 foot or 6 inches? Either way the result is the same!

I agree, good point!  No difference. 

I can tell you one thing, you all have forced me to look at things and see if standing truly is for me and how long I can do it! I hope I am wrong but I dont thinkI am a long term stander like some of you! It gets harder every day to not just pack up D11 and leave her in my dust!

OBO, standing or not standing, is the one thing you do get to control.  You have nothing to prove to anybody.  In the end, this comes down to one person and one person, only.  That is YOU!  Best if you can come out of it whole and happy, not bitter and angry. 

You can be the strongest, toughest, bad "a$$" in the whole U.S. Military, world in fact, but there are some things, only LOVE can overcome. 

Hugs Stayed

[Albatross]

Attaching. I will try to contribute to this topic because I am living with my MLCer wife whole time of her crisis.

[superdog]

Was just wondering if we could pin point why our mlcers have chosen home.

It would be really good if RCR had any info on those who remain in the home and her take on the reasons why.

I personally think in my case it has a lot to do with my h's dependence on me. He told me early on that no matter how hard he tried he could not detach from me completely. Which shows he was trying to and finding any way he could, but he just couldn't let the attachment go.

Any ideas.
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[Searching4Answers]

Was just wondering if we could pin point why our mlcers have chosen home.

I would also be quite interested in this.

My H has never said that he wanted to leave, has never threatened to leave - he actually told me in the beginning that he would never leave me I took that to mean leave our relationship - that was not the case. Anytime that I bring it up I usually get monster - the last time I got "you don't get to dictate where I live!" My IC says that he was being a 3 year old when he made that statement.

I see my H as attached to me - probably not in a healthy way. He doesn't want to be alone. I have taken the whole living arrangement issue off the table. H was 3 years old when his parents split - I wonder if there is a connection.

I starting to think my H won't leave - I am going to have to deal with this.

[superdog]

Wo that's interesting about the 3 year old thing.  My h has made several references to age 7 but I have no idea what happened at age 7. It is clearly something that he has never wished to share, bit it has been something that has caused him trauma of some description.

My h has never been all grandiose about leaving in fact most of what he was planning was done very much without my knowledge (or so he thought !).

My h also cannot be alone, yet protests how much a lone wolf he is. I don't think so !

How do you feel knowing that someon is unhealthily dependent on you? I find myself torn if I am honest, it's kind of sweet yet kind of creepy at the same time.

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[Searching4Answers]

My h also cannot be alone, yet protests how much a lone wolf he is. I don't think so !

I have learned that many of the things that says he is he in fact is not. I had always believed that H would not tolerate my anger or disapproval so I didn't vocalize many things that I probably should have over the years - I have now know that I can freely speak my mind and H doesn't do much about it I think somewhere deep inside he has pain that he has yet to deal with and that part of his survival mechanisms built this image of himself that isn't really true. Kind of like our "fake it until we make it" he is just "faking it".

How do you feel knowing that someone is unhealthily dependent on you? I find myself torn if I am honest, it's kind of sweet yet kind of creepy at the same time.

I am torn as well. Part of me finds some comfort in it but I know that it is not ultimately healthy - I never saw this in my H before MLC so it quite surprising to me. I look at this journey as rebalancing journey - a lot of things in my life were out of balance.

[Songanddance]

My h also cannot be alone, yet protests how much a lone wolf he is. I don't think so !

That is so true for my H too! Although I think he will go at some point because I just think he will.

That'll be ok though.

[summer90]

I don't think they can leave, they are afraid and we, the LBS's are the ONLY stability they have.  These men are truly broken, my H says he IS broken.

He has no idea what he means but he needs to stay.  The psychologist I see and H saw at the beginning of MLC said he would probably die if he left. 

Dramatic but maybe true?  Don't want to find out but puts the pressure on the LBS.