[Dontgiveup]

I probably shouldn't have been, but I was caught off guard with an e-mail that my friend showed me from his ex-wife several weeks ago.  She was expressing regret and used the word "fog" to describe the last 3 years of her life.

Describing her marriage to other man (in which the divorce is now final) she said that during the wedding, she was there, but she didn't want to be, or know why she was.....yet she did it.

[hampc0cv]

BNW, I feel the same way about my work.  i cannot concentrate and feel it takes me twice as long  to get things done.  Why is it that this happens to us.  I feel like i am stupid and can't wrap my mind around anything.

[Buggy31]

In my sitch I know my H really well..to well in fact and when he does stupid things...actually in the midst of doing them..you can see a look in his eyes that says..."I don't know what the F I'm doing."   I know it very well and I even here him give an annoyed sigh when he comes into the house and has to kiss the kids good bye or he'll say "OHHHHHHHH GOD" ....as if someone else's a** is dragging him out the door...probably is...as if he HAS NO SAY in what he's doing. 

I see this especially when I can muster up the energy to look good.  That kills him...really..he just looks mad cuz I think it reminds him he could lose me easily...that I could move on...he even stated this as a fear but it doesn't stop him.  He talked to me about this during the MLC a bit when the affair ended for a little while.  He said he couldn't stop himself.  It's hard to believe and scary but something to it...there is a part of them that is asleep and I think this is really a process that makes people face the parts of themselves they would continue to deny and supress if not faced. My .02

[truth_seeker]

Something that helps me better understand "the fog" is equating it to a temporary multiple personality disorder.  Often times we see so many different personalities within our MLC... Some days it's monster, other times it's a child we see and others a complete surprise.  I have to continue to remind myself my H is in MLC when I get so angry at his behavior.  Sure there are times when I doubt his having a MLC but then he'll do something that's so off the wall Wacky and constantly contradicts himself that there's no way he's in the right frame of mind.  No "normal" person would do such a thing to those they love.      My .2 cents worth anyway.

For the record I would LOVE a "locked thread" specific to the topic of Fog.

Much love to you all.

TS

[Shantilly Lace]

Bringing some stuff over from other threads will see what i can find on threads

Why do they flee?
Because they feel they have to otherwise they will die or do something stupid.
Because they have sat on the feelings trying to deny them for the longest time because despite what they have said and how they act they do care.  they really don't want to hurt you which is why they stay.
They can't talk because they don't understand it.  They think you will leave them and they don't want you to it isn't until the last straw it snaps and is all twisted and they blame you and bolt.
It isn't you.

Imagine
Imagine you are in a deep fog and everything you see is shadowy and muffled.  when you step forward to get closer you realise there is a chasm between you and the people on the other side.
Imagine every so often the fog lifts and you see the others and you are able to join in properly even though the chasm is there.  you can talk to them and understand.
Imagine the fog closes down again.
when you turn around to escape there is a sheer wall that goes up, no hand holds just a sheer wall which even when you try to scale leaves you exhausted and upset because there are no hand holds.
You are afraid to move because the ledge is narrow and when you move stones fall and you can't hear them hit the bottom.
And the people you love are still living while you feel stuck on this ledge terrified to move.
They don't know, they don't see the ledge and the fact you are stuck.  You get angry because WHY can't they see it.  Why can't they see you are stuck.  Why can't they see that you are on this ledge as they expect you to do so much.
The only way off the ledge is to move sidewards but you can't see what is there.  you don't know if there is a ledge there really.
Imagine this, imagine that you can't see a way to escape.
And then the fog lifts and you see a tunnel and man it is far better than that tiny ledge you are standing on so you run, straight into the tunnel.  trouble is the tunnel stops its a cave and you know to really escape you have to go back onto the ledge and feel your way along the scary edge and see what is there or you stay in the tunnel.

Some people stay in the cave and some people peek out of the cave many times before being able to step back out onto that ledge.  With each movement out of the cave you move further along the ledge and then you will find the bridge that was there all along but hidden by fog.

Imagine and maybe just maybe you can understand why they flee, they have been standing on the edge looking at the chasm in fog by themselves feeling alone and terrified and the cave they flee into as awful as it feels to us is a place they can regroup and retry.

[Shantilly Lace]

I must apologise again, I just don't see errors on the phone and by the time I realise they are there it is too late!
So I am very sorry for any messes.

being broken has nothing to do with you.  we may blame you but it has NOTHING to do with you.

I was broken because of depression, I was pretending everything was fine and no one knew I had a problem.  I was screaming inside though.
I felt splintered into pieces.  loving and hating my H.  Unable to cope with the smallest of things.
So broken describes us perfectly.  we are in pieces.  Most of the time the only thing that holds us together is the spouse and family but eventually like I said it all gets twisted up and we see it as the others fault and if we can just escape it will get better.
I supppose you can look at it like one of those jigsaw puzzles, you know the ones, they have no picture to look at, have extra pieces thrown in, printed on both sides and no edges.  So tell me where do you start?
But lets make it MORE interesting for everyone involved lets throw in extra pieces that will fit and make the picture slightly different but still ok and MORE pieces that don't belong at all but seem as if they could fit.  But you really don't know because you have no picture to go by just trying to get things to fit together.  And you know what sometimes you get half way through and realise a piece is wrong which means the rest of it just won't go together and you have to pull it apart and stat from that wrong point, not the beginning mind just that point.

I really am trying to explain this in a way that may help.

Sometimes people start the puzzle and get stuck and leave it never to go back to.  Sometimes it takes along while for it all to be pieced together especially if one of the pieces you thought was ok turns out to be so totally wrong.  And sometimes it flows more easily as they are better at puzzles

Does this make sense?

[good4me]

Sl

Before my H said he wanted a separation and decided to move out I accused him of cheating. He had become distant and not affectionate-our lm went to maybe once a week and it seemed like it was always me initiating. H swore he was only drinking. He said that me accusing him and snooping was pushing him to leave. I have thought about the things that had happened before he left and wonder if maybe I escalated the problems and put it in the MLC fast track by my actions. Checking phone call list,snooping in his wallet and car...talking to his assistant-she was blowing up his phone. He told me my jealousy was causing us problems and he didn't trust me.  Remembering conversation we had about us and our marriage. Told him that I loved him and we could work through any problems he/we were facing. He said he didn't love himself -he was fat old and hated his life -wished he was dead. Hated his job and he missed his family.Marriage was hard and he missed his friends. I countered with he could change jobs and we could move anywhere he wanted to start a new career. He always could see his friends but he worked alot and I wanted him to spend some time with me too. Then H ends up with new friends and not home much. Here starts the drinking and coming home late. He kept asking what happens if I dont come home-what happens if I come home drunk?? I told him we would deal with that if it happened.
Looking to see if there was any way I could have handled this differently. What can I learn from this? How will I work with these situations when H wants to come home ? Will I be strong enough mentally and emotionally to face his issues as we grow and learn together ?

[hampc0cv]

good4you,

Your h sounds like mine did before left.  He started drinking more and staying out later and later.  I asked him if there was someone else and he said no then he made the remark right before he left that he didn't even want to come home anymore.  The next day he left.  no warning or nothing.  Just left and took some clothes.  already had a friend to stay with and then I caught ow at friends house with my H.  It was down hill after that.  He even cried like a baby when I caught him.  Also when he left.  I don't know if it is MLC or not but I know it is not normal for him to act this way.  I also wonder if I had handled things different if it would have made a difference but I don't know.  All I know is he will not contact me and I haven't seen him since December.  We are now divorced and it kills me everyday to be reminded of it.  I love him and want him to come back.  All I can say is hang in there and keep praying and maybe out H will eventually see the light and want to codme hom.  Hugs

[Shantilly Lace]

Sl

Before my H said he wanted a separation and decided to move out I accused him of cheating. He had become distant and not affectionate-our lm went to maybe once a week and it seemed like it was always me initiating. H swore he was only drinking. He said that me accusing him and snooping was pushing him to leave. I have thought about the things that had happened before he left and wonder if maybe I escalated the problems and put it in the MLC fast track by my actions. Checking phone call list,snooping in his wallet and car...talking to his assistant-she was blowing up his phone. He told me my jealousy was causing us problems and he didn't trust me.  Remembering conversation we had about us and our marriage. Told him that I loved him and we could work through any problems he/we were facing. He said he didn't love himself -he was fat old and hated his life -wished he was dead. Hated his job and he missed his family.Marriage was hard and he missed his friends. I countered with he could change jobs and we could move anywhere he wanted to start a new career. He always could see his friends but he worked alot and I wanted him to spend some time with me too. Then H ends up with new friends and not home much. Here starts the drinking and coming home late. He kept asking what happens if I dont come home-what happens if I come home drunk?? I told him we would deal with that if it happened.
Looking to see if there was any way I could have handled this differently. What can I learn from this? How will I work with these situations when H wants to come home ? Will I be strong enough mentally and emotionally to face his issues as we grow and learn together ?

G4Y
Sorry it took me so long.  I've been busy with work and family and checked in only on my phone really so sometimes I don't see posts.
He's pushing you to see how you would react.

Kinda like my D13.  "what would you do mum if I...."

You handled it well. In your H's case maybe you could state if it comesup again.

"H this is your choice, I can't control what you do."

I can't remember if you have children or not if you do.  I would add (and this is just me as I don't drink at all) "If you do want to get drunk maybe we could arrange for you to stay the night at xxxxx so the children aren't affected."

If he does come home drunk and you don't like it.  Pop him on the couch or spare bed.  this is something I haven't had to deal with.  Dearheart brought the girls home once because ow was drunk around them..  She has been tipsy but this was drunk and he didn't like his daughters exposed to it (he's a non drinker as well).

At this point nonchalance is your best friend.   

[StillStanding]

I've been rereading some of the older and stickied threads, and I was wondering if there was a thread anywhere that discussed people coming out of the fog? What it feels like, how they look back on time spent in the fog?

If there's an existing thread, maybe it should be stickied or combined with the About MLC resources thread?

EDIT: I was looking right at the MLC return stories thread and it didn't register.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0