[Lost]

Dear Callan,

Thank you very much for posting this insight into depression. It is so horrible to notice all these generations 'passing' on divorce and depression like disease, it is shown in so many studies, and so also the lower percentage of mariages working our for children of divorce'.

And your father's depression 'only' from his father remarrying very quickly after his mothers death, but it is just kind of the same thing for children, this is so sad that the MLClers really don't get the deep trauma this causes the children, mostly because when they see them the kids play 'happy children' so they are more loved. Shutting in fact their emotions inside, and as we know that certainly is no good thing for relationships....

Hope this insight gives you and us all more strenght to hold the stand and break the pattern!
Thanks again
Lost

[31andcounting]

CallanG, thank you for sharing your father's insight.  It really helps me to understand better.  My H has childhood "issue" that has caused an underlying depression his whole life I think, at least since the age of 10.  He is seeing that "a tiny bit", gone to the Dr. was given Ad but will not take them, going to handle all of this himself   It makes so much sense when you said he can't handle being close to me and family because we are sure and strong and happy.  My H told me just this week that " Everything is crystal clear for you"  not I get what he was saying, thank you. His OW have always been women with things going on, divorce family trouble.  I'm too sure of myself and too much under control for him right now.  But without the AD's I wonder if it will ever change for him?
31

[CallanG]

Hey 31 , my councellor also made a very interesting point last week . My H never got on with my Father he thought he was weak and blamed all his problems on everyone else and never took anyones elses feelings into account . He also resented that for many years my Father always turned to me and caused me all sorts of problems . My councellor feels that another reason H would not talk to me when his despression started is that esentially he has become me Father the one thing he would have hated to admit .

Gave me some food for thought .

 

[31andcounting]

CallanG, That is very interesting. I do see some of the same with my H, things he complains the loudest about in others is exactly what and where he is right now and has been for several years. Things about his father specifically.
Hmmmm
31

[CallanG]

Hi All , I had another Loooong chat with my Father last night and thought I would share some of it . I hope it makes some sense we covered a lot of ground.

We started talking about H avoidance of coming to the house or being able to deal with me . My coucellor has the theory that H can not handle the emotions he feels and know he cannot hide anything from me and therefore can not hide that he still has feelings for me .

My father agreed with that but also added that he can understand why H does not want to come to the house , he said that when you are in a low state of depression that although you are striving for false happiness, ie OW , drink, spending to shut out the pain and feeling of being lonely  you also find it incredibly hard to do things or be around things that remind you of a time that you were truly happy , they make you angry you resent them because they stir up real feelings when you would rather block them all out . In essence they know that the escape tactics , OW , Drink ect wont make them really feel anything .

His example was myself and my brother, we remind him of the only time in life that he was truly happy before he messed it all up and that was with my mother . In a way he resents us because he associates that with true happiness which he is desperatley trying to block out because it makes him feel things . Does that make sense, if it helps he has not spoken to my Brother in years and tried his best to allianate me .

He explained it in a more simple term , he used to love playing golf with his 2nd Wife , this was a match made in hell and doomed to fail. But for a short time they were happy and played golf all the time . When it started going wrong and Depression took hold he could not play golf , it stirred to many real feelings which caused anger and resentment , so he drank instead . Has not played golf in years .

He said the saddest thing is that you run away from the thing that had always made you happy but because you are depressed it makes you angry and sad, you waste time searching for false happiness only to realise often to late that it was there all along and that the feelings that made you angry and sad were inside you .

We also talked about the periods of over activity or long periods of sleep. I remember when I was young my Father seemed to always be asleep or tired and that has continued through his life. He said he often uses sleep as an escape , while he is asleep he does not have to think or feel. If sleep is not possible ie you are having to try and cover the depression then its the opposite its rushing around like a mad thing again anything to stop you feeling .

I do know this feeling when I became depressed after BD, I was either rushing around doing odd jobs or falling asleep during the day and yet sometimes if I needed to focus on something I could not do it , because if I allowed my mind to focus enough to do that the pain was there and I did not want that so I spend a lot of time in a fog to escape the pain . I could only watch things that did not require me to concentrate if that makes sense and sometimes I would realise at the end of a programm that I had no idea what had happened.

When I remember more I will post it .

Callan





 

 

[31andcounting]

CallanG, thank you for posting.  I have always felt as though my H "keeps himself" so busy, almost to the point of exhaustion just so he doesn't have to think about things or to avoid.  I guess that is his way of dealing with the depression.  We had a short time of tired/sleeping, but usually it is constant "doing".  Makes me crazy as I know he won't settle anything within himself until he slows down or stops!
31

[CallanG]

31 , Mine has done both aswell, when I look back to last year at the weekends he was either up really early and out doing stuff or he stayed in Bed for ages and then got nothing done all day . At the moment I think he is going through a manic stage , he also appeared over happy when he visited the house recently. It mush be exhusting trying to block out your thoughts and feelings all of the time .

I am lucky in a way , I can go home and cry or sleep or show my emotions in any way I want . He is with OW and must have to try and put on a front for her and his work collegues I am sure at some point exhaustion must hit them and the mask will slip .
 

[Trustandlove]

CallanG, thank you, it is so good to get that insight.  And great that your father can articulate it so well now. 

This may well explain why my H is avoiding our house like the plague now, and even not contacting kids.  And then the flip side -- going to gigs, sports matches, other high-adrenaline activities.  And of course trying to twist it and blame us for not calling or whatever. 

[Chrysalis]

Hi CallanG

Thanks so much for posting.  It is really interesting to hear what your father says.  I do keep wondering just why my ex doesn't want to have much contact with his D, who was definitely the apple of his eye and who he fought so hard to keep in his life after his divorce from her mother.  Trying to shut out the memory of the happiness he felt at spending time with her may well explain it.

C
xx

[Anjae]

Thank you CallanG. What your father says echoes what my cousin who had MLC said and somethings Mr J has spoken of here and there.

Mr J is the champion of busy/run. He himself says that he cannot stop because if he does he will think of what he has done/is doing and he will not be capable of keep going and is not capable of facing what has happened.