[rosemary129]

Dear CallanG,

Thanks for sharing ! I have a question . If your father already knew that the happiness was always there in the past & within the families , why they still ran away ? Why not consider going back ? Is it very hard to find his way back ?

[CallanG]

Dear CallanG,

Thanks for sharing ! I have a question . If your father already knew that the happiness was always there in the past & within the families , why they still ran away ? Why not consider going back ? Is it very hard to find his way back ?

Hi Rosemary

My Fathers depression has been very very long term , most of my life I have experienced him blaming all of his problems on other people, be it my M , his 2nd Wife, his work collegues literally anybody else but himself. I think that it taken him this long to realise that his problems are within himself . I think he has manic depression which never really goes away , whereas most MLC seem to suffer from clinical depression .

He has said that the desire to run is very strong , that you are really running away from the fear that the problem is inside and for him he has just kept running .

Hope this helps

[SpecialK]

Thank you for posting this insight CG, it' really shouted out at me and confirmed if you like what I already know/believe.  Apologises for repeating this but ......

In December 2011 my ex had made plans to move back into the house at the end of Jan 2013.  At that time he knew his work contract was coming to an end and needed to somewhere to live.   I asked if he wanted me to move out, but he stated he didn't.  I asked what about his Son as one reason he left was because of him and I reminded him of him telling me that his son and I couldn't be in the same room together.  He replied we would see how he went and if it didn't work out they go out when he had him.  How this would I have worked I've no idea as his Mum (Scary Bird) wouldn't have let him come to the house if I was there - I'm such an evil witch  and she would have have made life hell.

During the time we had been apart I saw so many changes in him; sometimes he'd be happy, others sad, withdrawn and exhausted.  When I saw him in Sept - Dec 11 it was a slow withdrawal, each time I saw him (his choice) he got worse.  In the December the week before he went to Australia for Christmas, he came over.  He wanted to see me and ask what I wanted for Christmas.  When he arrived he was awful; looked exhausted, withdrawn, snappy, a sense of anger around him and could hardly talk to me.  He did take me out for dinner and that's when he briefly talked about him moving back.  He also said I could be a little more enthusiastic about it.  When he went to go I gave him his Christmas present, he hugged me said thank you and said he hadn't got mine as he didn't feel 'Christmasee' and off he went.  Honestly the whole evening he was motionless; it was like getting blood out of a stone.

The following Tuesday I received a Christmas card from him which had 'To someone very Special' which had two penguins on it cuddling, inside was 200 euros for my holiday.  On the Friday he called me from the airport after he'd checked in - he sounded relaxed and a bit more of himself.

Then came along Miss Wales (who he tells me he meet on the plane) and everything changed........  I became someone who he hated/disliked and he wanted me out.  He issued the date to move out of the house via email.  I moved out in June 12 and now have my own little place.

I know he suffers from depression (or SAD) and as someone who has suffered from it I know how it makes you feel - numb like all your feelings have been cut.  My gut tells that he was in a unhappy place, and Miss Wales came around at the right time, who lifted him, make him feel happy again.

Who knows, I haven't seen him him for over a year now and nc since Sept. 12.   Tomorrow is his birthday and it will be the first time since I've known him that I won't be acknowledging it.  The more and more I let go, the better I feel in myself and I have or rather feel I have more insight/gut feel into the situation.

Does this make sense?  Apologies if I have posted this in the wrong place.

Thanks again CG for sharing



SKxxx

[cherryblossom]

CallanG thank you so much for sharing your father's experience and thank you to your father for being able to share this with you, in the first place.

It really helps me understand my Dad, who avoids me.  I used to think that he didn't love me but I understand that if his experience is like your Father's that I am a stark reminder of the happiness he discarded - I look so much like my Mum too that I guess it is even more poignant for him.

It also explains why my H would spend so much time sleeping.  I saw it that he was just letting life drift past him, whereas he was trying to shut out the pain of depression.  My H has had some realisation about what your Father speaks about - the searching for false happiness.  My H says he thought that everything around him was wrong - his job, me, our R and then he realised that he was just unhappy with himself.  So sad 

Thanks again for sharing this x

[UKStander]

Hi Callan, Special K and others

I have a father story, too...  Mine went downhill in mid-life (when married to my lovely M) and one day announced he was leaving. No preamble, no nothing. He took his LP records (it was that era!) and that was that. She almost never saw him again. He immediately demanded a divorce - she reluctantly granted it, but she didn't know what we now know.   So, he gave up the journalism career he loved and became a furniture salesman in Croydon.  The thing was OW (his second wife) was pregnant, so he really had no choice. (I was 5 years at the time.) Also, OW had money of her own and my dad was flat broke (they were living in rented accommodation - never saved up to buy as he always spent what he had on lavish gifts etc).

He went downhill thereafter - and it's a story I've only become aware of in recent years. He drank. Mornings, lunchtimes, all the time. To blot out the pain. He was relatively OK with 2nd wife, I think - she wasn't horrible - but at 80+ it was clear he couldn't really love any other person properly. As he got sicker, he tried to commit suicide. He was in a psychiatric ward in his 80s. But too late then for any cure. They diagnosed it as manic depression. I would never have guessed at the 'manic' side. 

It was all caused apparently by his father who used to run him down publicly and beat him. And his mother tended to side with his father . . .

Anyhow. How that helps us, I don't know, except it's another case study!  But, Callan, your father's desc of why he has to run, are very helpful.  So they kind of are aware of happier times...  Even as they do the pretend happiness. 

I understand it but I still have to get my head around it, if you know what I mean.  Daily.

UKS

[SpecialK]

My ex has a very unhappy childhood: his Dad Nd stepdad were abusive alcoholics, his Mum ice queen who is devoid of emotion who should have never had children.  My ex 'falls in love' very quickly but I truly believe its a mask - it takes away his true feelings for a while.  He also drinks heavily, suffers with his bowels and stomach - has a hy thingy ulcer (sorry can't spell it) and at his own admission very insecure. 

[Bewildered]

UKStander

You must have know he was in a crisis when he choose Croydon as a home?? place to work??!!!! 

No seriously I don't think MLC depression is new its as you say not something people knew very much about - a very new area really of diagnosis - whilst people knew in mid life some people tried to hold on to their youth so the red sports car - bimbo and spending spree's etc  the real problem behind was not something that people understood - now of course they are sorting this die out but the how to fix ? is the issue as the Why seems to be wrapped up in some none developed emotional issues they could not deal with - pointing to I am reading  about how their brain processed emotional turmoil so could be neglect/hurt perceived or real/anger/confusion/etc. then their individual personality plays a part - but what the later information on emotion non development in children is saying  is that the younger the chid is when emotional growth is halted or repressed or neglected - for example - my sister has some strange ways of behaviour that are at all like mine - I found out at the age of 18 months to her being  - 2 1/2 my mother was ill with a severe virus or something they didn't know was in and out of hospital was weak and unable to car for us both. I was nearly 4 when she got ill and nearly 5 when she got better - my Grandmother took care o f us - my sister and I but I don't remember, nether does my sister but I feel this effected her because of her age and not me because I had age on my side/already developed understanding of my relationship with my Mother  and my sister didn't
therefore - some emotions have been suppressed in her and its showing now - if she is angry or upset with you - she says nothing she stops talking to you wont talk to you - and when you try to help/find out she pushes you away but I feel she expects you to keep trying - its so exhausting !!!!
Think she is having her own MLC no OW just a painful transition but has gone very quiet, spends a  lot to time on her own .... and can be quite nasty and angry - acting very superior and doesn't care who's feelings she hurts - latest example which i know you will appreciate.
She went to to her hairdressers - been going to the same man for 12 years and made an appointment with another stylist and sat opposite he previous hairdresser and said nothing - he then as she left said Have i upset you and she looked confused and said No - I just made an appointment and I can go to whoever I want? which he said of course just wanted to check if i had done anything wrong - she walked away .... so MLC?

Yes just accept the process and time will fix it is my motto !!

B x

[Anjae]

Thank you for telling your father's story, UK Stander.

How that helps us, I don't know, except it's another case study

Case studies help us understand better what we are dealing with. They also tend to show us a repetition of patterns and outcomes.

One of the things the stories many here have told about people that have been on the other side say is that the MLCer is not happy. Many never recover their happiness and some end up trying to kill themselves or are diagnosed with mental illness.

For me MLC depression is more like Bipolar Disorder, formerly known as Manic Depression. MLC, at least for High Energy MLCers, has two poles: depressed and manic.

My ex 'falls in love' very quickly but I truly believe its a mask - it takes away his true feelings for a while. 

This makes sense.

No seriously I don't think MLC depression is new its as you say not something people knew very much about - a very new area really of diagnosis - whilst people knew in mid life some people tried to hold on to their youth so the red sports car - bimbo and spending spree's etc  the real problem behind was not something that people understood -

Agree, it is not new, it just wasn't understood.

now of course they are sorting this die out but the how to fix ? is the issue as the Why seems to be wrapped up in some none developed emotional issues they could not deal with - pointing to I am reading  about how their brain processed emotional turmoil so could be neglect/hurt perceived or real/anger/confusion/etc. then their individual personality plays a part - but what the later information on emotion non development in children is saying  is that the younger the child is when emotional growth is halted or repressed or neglected -

What you're saying correlates with what I've been learning in the Genetic course. They talked about how a stressfull environment could cause prenatal, childhood or adolescence change in genes, altering things inside the person.

In many cases the changes are not visible for many years and in some they never surface because, like in MLC, they require a trigger.

[Niek]

 if she is angry or upset with you - she says nothing she stops talking to you wont talk to you - and when you try to help/find out she pushes you away but I feel she expects you to keep trying

Just like my H and his siblings.

[CallanG]

Hi All

I thought I posted this yesterday but I must be as mad as H.

My Dad gave me another snipit about depression and association . We were discussing why H cannot come to the house .

My Dad remembered a day when he was with he 2nd W . He woke up feeling out of sorts and a bit down , they took the dog for a walk to a local woods. They had an okay time nothing out of the ordinary happened but for a long time after that he could not face going to the same place without feeling a sense of panic.

He also said and I may have mentioned this before that when he was despressed the thought of being around places that he new had made him happy made him depressed. Now this may sound like it contradict the other example but that seems to be the nature of the beast that depsression is .