[Has your MLC'er filed for divorce?]

Has your MLC'er filed for divorce?

No, still living at home.

3 (7.5%)

No, but has threatened (living at home).

4 (10%)

No, but we are separated.

14 (35%)

Yes, paperwork is in process.

11 (27.5%)

We are divorced.

8 (20%)

Total Members Voted: 40

[Still]

Still, I know this is hard but you really need to look at it, as just a piece of paper.

OP,

I wish I could look at it as that. I was just telling FHO the same thing. I see it as so much more. The religious aspects, the legal aspects, the personal aspects...etc.

I have been going through how intertwined our lives are. Everything is joined...checkbooks, mortgages, credit cards, insurances......  I just can't imagine how painful the process of separating all of that is going to be.

I know I am obsessing, but this is all my mind is processing right now.

[xyzcf]

Still you are not obsessing. It is another step down the road of "I don't know what is going to happen and I'm scared".  I keep thinking that he could step in and stop this anytime.... before the final documents get signed....but he cannot/will not..he's determined that this is what is best.

 I think, well, once this is done he'll have even less need to return...it'll be done, it will have cost us a fortune and he's not one to admit to making mistakes...as well, there is that "fear" that he really doesn't love me or want me and that hurts so much.

But, I've heard of people who get back together. Today, I've also heard of people who cleaned out the bank accounts. Now I say, my Beloved would never do that..really? But the things that he has done I would never ever ever expected him to do that either.

As well, in my situation, it's the only way that I can move forward. I am not welcomed in Brazil so in order for me to have a life here, I have to have some income..not just relying on his good will to take care of the bills....but making my very own decisions about where I shall live, work, vacation...I've not taken a vacation since this all started (not that I really wanted to go anywhere) but it just feels funny to take money either having to "ask" him for it or not telling him about it.....and I keep reminding myself....how could I live with someone unless he "falls" back in love with me and treats me the way that a husband should treat a wife. He's not done that for such a long time..I keep telling myself, I'm worth more than this.

I know that my situation is different but hopes this gives you some of the "positives" that I try to focus on because like it or not, I am going to be a legally separated single who prefers to remain married women coming soon to a theatre near you.

[Courageous wife]

Still

I am in a no fault state but it can be drawn out but yes, that does cost money.  I meet with my L Friday to discuss a counter-agreement and in that, we are asking that H pay all the atty. fees...we will see what happens.  IF he disagrees, we could go back and forth for awhile until we come to an agreement or it goes to court to be decided...I hope that it won't come to that!  Well, I hope it doesn't come to a D period but have accepted that it may. 

[Hopeful]

We have been divorced since June.   She said she wanted a divorce back in March of 2009, and she had already borrowed money from her mother and contacted an attorney.  I could tell shortly afterward she didn't know what she was doing, so I made contact with my own attorney, and I drafted the separation agreement, with my attorney's help.  She signed the document and we went on from there. 

In this state you have to wait a year if you have children from the time one spouse leaves the house in order to file for divorce.  I waited a year, and I filed for divorce.  She signed off, and we are no longer married.

This was all done before I discovered this site.  I had many people tell me that I could just ride with the separation agreement and wait to see what she does.  I decided when she left and stopped communicating with me, our marriage was over.  I have felt all along, that if she comes back we must approach it as though it is a new beginning.  I think that is the only way we can get back together successfully.  If she comes back, I believe I will need to go through the entire courting process again, to rekindle or re-establish a new relationship, with someone that I believe will actually be a different person in some ways.  I know I am already a different person that what I was when she left, and I'm sure the changes in me will continue.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring!

[LifeGoesOn]

I, too, am in a no-fault state. HOWEVER....I did some research on my own. I have to swear under oath that the marriage is irreconcilable. If I cannot do that, the judge sets a 60 day continuance and requires spouses to be seen by court appointed IC's , so the judge can decide.

Also, fyi, although I am in a community property state, the judge can take infidelity into account when determining spousal support, and property division. Hmmm. Not as 'cut and dried' as my H thinks it will be.

None of the attorneys I consulted offered me this information.

[Still]

Thanks, everyone.

I have to swear under oath that the marriage is irreconcilable.

LGO,

I don't know if it even goes to court here, but I will not swear to that either. I simply can't because I don't believe it. I really don't know what that means in PA. LettingGo sent me some info, but it doesn't really spell out any of the specifics that can happen before, during, and after filing.

[LifeGoesOn]

Still,

FWIW...

Googled this up. (Pa divorce law)

Divorce:  Fault and No-Fault

Divorce is the ending of a marriage ordered by a court., In Pennsylvania there are two types of divorce: fault and no-fault. The fault grounds for divorce in Pennsylvania are:
1. Willful and malicious desertion and absence from the marital home, without a reasonable cause, for the period of one (1) or more years.
2. Adultery
3. Extreme cruelty, including any physical or mental cruelty that endangers your safety or health, or which makes continued living together improper or unreasonable.
4. Knowingly entering a bigamous marriage while a former marriage is still existing.
5. Sentenced to imprisonment for a term of two (2) years upon conviction of having committed a crime.
6. Imposed such indignities on the innocent spouse as to render that spouse's condition intolerable and life burdensome.
7.Insanity or serious mental disorder which has resulted in confinement in a mental institution for at least eighteen (18) months immediately before the filing of the complaint, and where there is no reasonably prospect that the spouse will be discharged from inpatient care during the 18 months subsequent to the commencement of the action.

All fault divorces require court testimony and an appearance by the client. No-fault divorces do not require a court appearance.

No-Fault Divorces in Pennsylvania

Mutual Consent - A mutual consent divorce will be granted where it is alleged that the marriage is irretrievably broken and 90 days have elapsed from the date of the commencement of an action and an affidavit has been filed by each of the parties evidencing that each party consents to the divorce.

Irretrievable breakdown- If the parties have been living separate and apart for a period of at least two years and the marriage is irretrievably broken and the defendant has either:

a) Does not deny the allegations as set forth in the affidavit.

or

b) Denies one or more of the allegations set forth in the affidavit but, after notice and hearing, the court determines that the parties have lived separate and apart for a period of at least two (2) years and that the marriage is irretrievably broken.

You have a non-contested divorce when both parties reach an agreement on property issues, child , support, alimony, retirement, and any other issue.

from: http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/pa

[Still]

Thanks, LGO.

It is helpful, but still is a bit confusing. If I don't fight the divorce, but I don't consent to the divorce.....what does that mean?

I have heard the horror stories of the long, drawn-out court battles that deplete all finances. I am looking at barely being able to stay in my home on one income. I don't want to risk anything preventing that.

[LifeGoesOn]

go see at least 3 attorneys. many family law attorneys will offer a free consultation. go see them just for info and see what they will promise you.

[xyzcf]

Still, perhaps for you, just let him take the lead. Don't make it easy for him (as I have done by filing..but he had an appointment booked as well with an attorney and would have done the same and perhaps been persuaded to file for a divorce..but man, I still feel bad about what I've done).

Since your H hasn't left the country, the more time it takes, the more time it gives him to work through the MLC..but eventually he may make a decision before he's completed his journey for we all know that MLC takes months or years while a separation takes 90 days.

We had a very small wedding of 24 people..this legal stuff will cost far more than what we spent on our wedding and is far less fun!


There's a part of me (perhaps because I want to believe that what I've done is right) that thinks..let them go..fighting them on this could be as useless as fighting with them on any other level but honestly, I wish I had not been forced into a corner to play this hand.

And because he always needs to be seen as Mr Nice Guy..he can truthfully say, well she served me with papers. I'm not very charitable tonight am I?

I haven't sworn that our marriage is irretrievably broken but I guess I agreed to that language because it is written on a document that I signed and on his response it states "respondent admits that this marriage is irretrievably broken" but then isn't that what we are saying..this marriage truly no longer exists. It ceased the moment that he broke his wedding vows and if there is ever to be a marriage again  it has to be something new.

I tried to express that to him when he was home, saying that I knew our marriage was over but that the foundation was still there and that foundation was very strong and could be rebuilt upon..his response to me was that he thought it very sad that I agreed that our marriage was gone..he did not get the part about the foundation at all.


I have to continue to hold onto the mantra, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, the outcome will  be the same. He has already "sent me home" from our life in Asia, lived without me for a year and now has left me behind as he works in Brazil for 3 years..what kind of marriage exactly could that possibly be..he's been crystal clear that he no longer wants me in his life. So the sage advise of live as though he's never coming back at some point must infiltrate my brain..someday, I must get that or I will not become all that I am capable of being..and that would be a waste.