[LearningIamOk]

I thought it might be a good idea to list some helpful statements by the LBS to the MLCer. I was struck by the following quote from HopeandFaith in her current thread:

She is hurting me right now and I am going to leave it to you to protect me and us from this.

I feel it plays into the White Knight mindset of the MLCer and turns the focus from rescuing OW/OM to rescuing the LBS. It is an angle I have not seen or read about anywhere.

I would love to see others posted here. Even if it wasn't something you said, but read on another thread, please include it as the sheer number of threads to read through is daunting.

[paradigmshift]

The only person he loves and wants to save is himself. He did that by choosing the OW.

My experience was with my partner's mother, whom he cowardly asked to 'tell me off'. She said some very nasty things to me and when I expressed my hurt and humiliation, he said she was merely standing up for him. Well, then I said I don't have anyone to stand up for me and he said 'that's your business'.

Point is, less talk is better. I keep replaying the hurtful scenes in my mind and it makes me want to stop standing. Beware of monster pushing you to the point of no return. But of course, not our loss to move on.

[Dagolark]

I was thinking of opening a thread for truth darts - I don't need them in my nc situation but they interest me. Will keep an eye on this!

[Searching4Answers]

Learning, thanks for starting this thread.

I have been thinking about this too. I actually brought it up to my IC yesterday. She talked about using reflective listening techniques. What I have found to work well is to keep the focus on how I feel instead of point the finger at the MLCer. The less judgemental my comments are the better he responds.

I don't communicate much with my H - it is mostly superficial which is why I brought it up to my IC. I will be testing out some of the methods that RCR talks about and learning about some others. What works for one might not work for another so they have to be tested.

I also think that the communication style will vary depending on where they are in the process. What works 2-3 months in may be different than at 2 years plus.

[LearningIamOk]

Searching, that is exactly what I want to be able to see here.  Solid examples of how to talk to the MLCer without blaming. Not that there isn't a lot to blame them for.

I thought HopeandFaith's statement was unique. I know that it worked in her sitch, she is reconnecting, but it could be something to use early in when there is so much confusion and guilt.

There are no right answers, but it is helpful to have an arsenal of words at the ready. I used "I'm married and married people don't date" when my xH tried to talk me into dating people about 6 mos in.

[Songanddance]

I have used the reflective technique and it works.

I have also used "I find it interesting that you say.... what does it mean to you when you say...."

MY FAVOURITE is  "Uhuh" in a neutral and bright tone. That is especially brilliant when H witters on or implies that he is going to be away or meeting OW.

I also use "I'm sorry you feel that way H but you know it's not true"

I have also said frequently " I'm sorry you feel that way. You have made choices and will have to live with the consequences of those choices. In the meantime, I am making my own choices and am moving forward. I am not waiting for you but I am prepared to listen when you are ready to talk properly about our future."

I have also said " I believe in the real you H not the one that has chosen to destroy and abandon our family."

When H monsters I just say " I'm not doing this H..." put my hand up and walk away.

It's easier to offer examples when there's a stay at home MLCer like mine.

Now I say very little and always have these ready like some sort of mantra if needed.

[blackice]

this is good. i really would love to see some examples on how to communicate better. i don't live with mine anymore, he moved out yesterday but we do work together, just me and him in a car all day long almost every day. I think I have been doing good keeping the conversations superficial and not talking about our relationship. We get along pretty good for the most part. He complains a lot though, especially about the ow and everything else. if any relationship stuff comes up it's always him an it's usually him trying to convince himself and me it's good we "broke up" even though he still wants to date me. I think I mainly have problems with the texts. I don't know how to properly respond to them when he tells me he loves me. it throws me off.

[barbiedoll]

I have some things to offer here.. if I can stand looking back and remembering what I am trying to forget. I said some things to my husband that I totally forgot... but he remembers. I did not think he was listening o even on the planet. But he remembers.
One day we went for a walk in the park. Barely, could I stand being with him. But it was a mement of compassion..he looked like a little lost boy for a moment. I rubbed his back as we walked and i said to him. " I can see glimmers of what is happening to you now" .. He said "what does that mean?" .. " I see a big W floating over top of you.. it is the beginning of wisdom... I can see it and i am so proud that you are chasing it , you will be fine. Just an even better man at the end. ". He walked over to a tree, bowed his head and cried.. He often tells how that stuck with him... Makes me cry.

[windro]

Not 100% sure this really fits the bill here...  but has proven useful for me more than a few times... 

H asks for something that I've already told him I will not give until certain criteria are met.  He's like the kids - keeps asking...  I keep saying no.  This goes on for awhile and then I look him straight in the eye and speak in a firm but diplomatic voice "Do you really want to have the REAL conversation that goes with that question?" (Meaning - is he ready to try to prove to me he's done with ow, is going to aa meetings, reminding him what happened the last time, etc)  And that has shut him up every time so far. 

The "you might be right" is pretty effective at shutting down a potential fight, too. 

Will keep my eye on this thread...  always interested in having some helpful hints

[Anjae]

Learning, I’m confused, do you want ways of communicate with the MCLer or statements that show the MLCer is playing knight in shinning armour to OW/OM. Even if often OW/OM is also playing night in shinning armour with the MLCer.

For me there is a difference between blaming the MLCers (and lets face it, it is their fault), point facts and say that choices have consequences.

I have no idea how to effectively communicate with a MLCer (they are all different). Early on I was in total chaos mode, it has been many years I have not communicate with mine save for legal of financial matters. For me the best way of communicating with a MLCer end up being not to communicate at all. It saves me a lot of stress.