[LettingGo]

Take the high road as far as what his friends are hearing. If they are siding with him, cut them off. Seriously. Not as a punishment, that is just the natural course of things and you will set them free to choose the fool. In the case of family, right or wrong, you should expect they will and SHOULD side with him, even if they disapprove of his actions.

Have Christmas the way YOU want to have it. Have Thanksgiving the way YOU want it. It won't be the same, and you can tell your kids you're sorry it won't be the same as they're used to and what would they like to do to make it your very own despite the ugly circumstances!

Don't feel bad or good about what your MLCer is doing for the holidays. If they wanted to spend them with you, they would give up OW. If they don't have OW, they can certainly ask you if it would be ok to spend it with the kids. They are so selfish, they are waiting for you to INVITE THEM on THEIR TERMS. Don't do it. You will survive a holiday without them. If anyone is boneheaded or innocent enough to ask where your spouse is, you can tell them he is sick, allergic to cats, has to work, flew home to be with their family, whatever. It will back them off from asking cuz they'll get a vibe.

[Glimmer]

I am currently in a dilemma as to the fast approaching festive season, as to whether I should invite my H to spend Christmas Day with us.  Last year he was invited and we had a lovely day.  He had only been gone a few weeks and had recently said that he wanted to come back home.

To be truthful I am not looking forward to Christmas at all this year, and putting on a brave face for the girls is getting me down.  So my question is:-

A - Do I invite him and try to act 'normal' for the sake of everyone else, as I am sure he will be expecting an invite.

B - Do I not ask him to join us, thereby letting him know this is how it will be every Christmas from now on if he doesn't get his act together. He is still dad to our girls, but he is no longer a part of this family, as it was his choice to leave and abandon us.

I don't have a problem with him visiting to open presents etc, but I'm just not sure I want him to spend the whole day, as I am sure he will be secretly expecting. 

I have no idea where he would end up otherwise, but I am sure someone will feed him. To be honest it would make the situation less awkward as I am barely speaking to him at the moment anyway.

The girls say they are fine either way and say it would be a good way to teach him a lesson on what he will miss out on in future.  On the other hand he is their dad and they do love seeing him as much as they can.  My H has always been the biggest kid at Christmas, and I know how much he looks forward to this time of year.

I know this is the season of goodwill and I really don't want to play 'Scrooge',because it is not just me I have to think about, but it would be so tempting to see him suffer. Maybe it is just the mood I am in at the moment, and I may feel differently tomorrow, so if anyone has any ideas if you have dealt with this situation in the past, could you please share.

I have just read this back before posting and now I feel really bad for having cruel thoughts.  Sorry for the rant.

Thanks and Bah Humbug!!

[justasking]

Glimmer

We all feel like this at this time of year. I am sure we all have our own view as each MLCer is different.

Personally I have not included my H in any of my Christmas day plans because I choose not to. He now lives with OW and I am sure she will expect him to be with her. So I will plan without him. I will wait for him to ask and then negogtiate what is best for me and the children NOT him. The children are very happy to have Christmas without him and I have lots of lovely things planned. It is our day to be enjoyed.

Last year he came for 2 hours on Christmas day and left but I know he found it hard. But its not about H suffering. He has chose to be with OW of which I had no choice but I do now. Some of the consequences of living with OW is that he misses out on family things.

You have to decided what is best for you and the girls and not what you think is best for him. He has made his choice. Now your choice is to invite him or not. What does your intuition tell you?

xx

[True to myself]

Thanks and Bah Humbug!!

Glimmer,

I love that you have still got a sense of humour in all this. This made me smile 

I am sure one of the wiser ones will give you the best advice on this, but my opinion is that your H shouldn't be able to spend the day with you as if he still lived there. Why should you be worrying about him when he hasn't worried about his actions? He gets the best of both worlds if he can come and join in when he feels like. I have everyone mixed up - is there no OW in your sitch? I take it there can't be.

Anyway, maybe if he came round for the present opening, as you suggested?

I am wondering if my D will see anything of my H, as they have had no contact for over 3 months now.

Hope you can get to enjoy Christmas with your girls. I am actually looking forward to mine this year, after I went through so much last year.

Take care and (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

[Glimmer]

Hi TTM

There is OW. She has a son of her own, H doesn't live with her although he stayed with her for a while earlier this year. He has constantly messed me around by wanting to come home and then doing nothing about it. The most recent was about 4 weeks ago.  He cannot stay away and visits every day without fail. 

I don't know if he would be invited by OW as she may have plans of her own.  All I know is that he shouldn't be allowed to live his double life, choosing the best bits out of both when he feels like it.   

[Trustandlove]

This is an interesting question.

As for me, I'm planning Christmas the same as usual; whether or not H is a part of it remains to be seen.  However, it has been occurring to me that maybe I need to plan completely different celebrations; in some ways maybe I'm a bit stuck with what we do.  Now don't get me wrong -- I very much LIKE the way we have Christmas; I'll have the same people that we have had for years.  Last year was the first time I did it by myself, no H involved at all; the previous year H was there, the year before that he asked me to cancel all other people and we had Christmas by ourselves, just H and me and the children.  That was the first year he was away, and he was wondering...... 

I enjoy being hostess, this year I will likely host new year's eve as well.  However, I take the point that it is stuff that H could 'easily slot into' if he chose to come....  stayed has pointed out to me that even if I have GAL, it still seems like I'm waiting.  This isn't going to make me change my plans for this year, at least not right now, but it's a point worth pondering. 

My children also very much like our Christmas, which is one big, big reason for doing it that way -- it gives them stability as well. However, maybe if I saved money we really could go away next year -- somewhere snowy and nice.  That would underline a new life....

As to H; last year he didn't come because he went to see his mother in her care home; he may well decide to do so again this year, and have Christmas eve with his sister.  I have no idea what he did for Christmas Eve last year -- in our culture it's almost the more important evening, as we do presents then, etc.   He didn't come to church, after having told the children that he "might", but I guess he couldn't face it. 

I don't know the status of the latest OW; she could be gone.  It is likely that I will find out.....

Just points to ponder...

[True to myself]

 He cannot stay away and visits every day without fail. 

All I know is that he shouldn't be allowed to live his double life, choosing the best bits out of both when he feels like it.   

I completely agree with you there. He seems to be cake-eating big time. Have you seen what HB has said to LG? Your stories and your Hs sound very similar.

I think maybe you have to do the same thing, even though it will probably be hard for you. I know your intuition is starting to kick in.


Thinking of you.

HUGS xx

[LosingHope]

Glimmer
I am new here but after reading your story I can tell you, its been 3 years since we separated. The first Christmas we spent together but barely spoke, horrible, just horrible for me and for the kids. The next two were spent apart, me having my time and him having his. It does give them an idea of how it will be if things don't work out. I remember him saying the first Christamas we had apart, that it was the first time in 50 years he had woke up on Christmas morning alone. Let them think about those things!!!! They have given us enough to think about. Do what feels comfortable for you. Thats what we all need to do.

[Glimmer]

Thanks everyone for your comments. It has certainly given me something to think about.

I am very tempted to let him suffer. Not much festive spirit, I know.  After all he hasn't cared about anyone elses suffering for the last 14months. No thoughts whatsover as to how me and our 2Ds feel every time he goes off to spend time with OW.  He has told me he doesn't feel guilt(or any other emotion I don't think) when he flips from one to the other, because he has mastered the art of compartmentalising, so pushes all thoughts of us out of his mind when he is with her, and vise versa.  So skilfull.  How he has never to my knowledge slipped up on this, must put extra pressure on his mixed up brain.

Maybe it will do him good, waking up in his own little flat on Christmas morning (unless he has had a better offer), and not being a part of the family for Christmas dinner. Wouldn't it be good if Marley's ghost would appear and show him all his Christmases past, present and future. That would certainly give him something to ponder, and I wouldn't like to be in his shoes when it happens.

Ho Ho Ho.

[hyperglad]

Glimmer your h is very much like mine....here every day but saying he wants to live alone and not recommit and have no responsibilities...

My H said he was going to come on Xmas day have dinner with us then leave and go to work...said he had to do what made he feel OK...i said do you know..we might not even want you here....so i told him...you want to live alone then do it... do you think I am so desperate i will take what you throw out... 10 mins later he called back and said sorry...I think we are so worried about their feelings sometimes we forget about ours.

Do whatever will make YOU feel good ((((((HUGS)))))))))))