[niff naff]

Hi All

Just a question that has been troubling me for a little while, could this type of depression be passed down through family's, my Hs Grandad, had a full blown mental breakdown, but before this, many years before, his wife (My Husbands Grandmother) had left him taking their daughter with her, she left for one year, not sure what drove her to leave her husband, but as I say years later he had a full blown mental breakdown.  Then my Husbands Mother, when she was about 46ish, had a three year affair, no one knew about it until she left her husband to be by herself, she does say she just had to leave, she called it "fight or flight" and she flew, she didn't stay away long, and the affair was over, my Husbands Brother, has had panic attacks regarding work, and at one point became so tense about a job position, almost had a break down and was put on "Beta Blockers".  My H works very hard and always has, he is under tremendous pressure and I just wonder if there is a link in family histories.

Love to all

[Gardenia]

Since a good proportion of our spouses had a rough childhood, how many of you have seen MLC in their siblings as well?

If you have, did their siblings exit? Is it yet to be determined?

Did you notice any similarities?

(I asked this on my thread but I thought it may need its own discussion.)


I have seen this in my husband's siblings. I have seen similar characteristics. I know they can come out of it.

[sambriony]

Hi and welcome.
My H mother went through a MLC and went absolutely mad.I am not surprised myH is going through what he is.She was Dogged by mental I'll health for years due to numerous issues.
I haven't seen it in H sis but she was golden child so wouldnt expect to see it in her.

[LoveMeMyself]

My H is a twin but so far have not seen it in his brother.  My H claims all his problems is only depression. Of course, I knew he wouldn't admit or accept this as being MLC but none of them do.  I've had other people, including men, tell me there's no such thing.  Yeah, right.  They need a good dose of reality.  I've never seen or experienced this in anybody else so it's all new for me.  Not sure if it runs in families or not.

[trusting]

My BIL hasn't had an MLC as far as I can tell, but has been emotionally stunted his whole adult life, not making good decisions, unable to hold on to a job long or keep a marriage together, etc.  Both my ILs have had depression/mental health issues so I think my H is prone to having some kind of chemical imbalance and and depression issues. 

[MelanieB]

Gardenia,

Know that my xH's father also had an MLC and that it was very very painful for H when he was 16-17 years old.  When we first met, he recounted some of the stories of his father propositioning women and how his dad had moved to their shore house while his mom lived in the suburb house.  Eventually his father apparently quietly rejoined his mother in the year-round house but it was clear to see that this was a truce (due to finances), rather than rejoining out of love.  They barely spoke to one another in our presence and on our visits.   I filed these stories away and didn't think too much about them until after his father passed away in Apr 2009.  Made a comment to him while he was busy "building a monument in his head" to his dad after the passing, about I recall that "your dad did this and that, other women, etc.", and he almost literally snapped my head off!!  I read a diary H had written that though he loved his dad at his death, H didn't respect him, guess it was mostly to do with how his dad treated his family during the MLC which is just so ironic because H was already conducting his affair at this same time!  [xH does the same to his own family, and worse...go figure]  At that point I realized that something was wrong with him.  Didn't have to wait too much longer though, cause Bomb Drop came along 6 wks later.

But, yes, I think it does run in families in my spouse's case because he was a passive aggressive, and that is 100% learned behavior and it is one of the leading determinants of MLC.  If you stuff your anger, it will eventually boil over and out, especially for someone who runs from his problems.  That's what passive aggressives do, stonewall and run away.

Mine learned it from  Daddy.

[Buggy31]

Both of my H's brother's are gay...BUT they each went through a similiar episode in the transition to their 30's.   BOTH his brothers were in LONG term partnerships which ended with an affair....they weren't married but they both cheated ending the commitment in their Rs.  There is NO doubt there is a pathology.  Both ended their R for SECRET affairs that didn't last more than a year or two.  Niether ended well with abuse or being cheated on.  Currently both of his brothers are in R with 22 year olds and they are 35 and 39 

[Gardenia]

Well sounds as if they are still in some sort of transition or maybe got stuck? That is strange to be in relationships with people so much younger. Is it possible that 22 is their developmental age?

I wonder if since siblings had similar childhood experiences they collectively did not reach certain milestones? That would also depend on how much outside influence they had growing up. Children growing up in an abusive environment where there are outside mentors or role models have a much better chance of developing healthy or rather, with more effective coping mechanisms. Children brought up in a more controling abusive environment may not have that chance. You may see children in these types of families exhibiting similar problems as they become adults.

[Buggy31]

Yes I think it will be interesting to observe what happens during the next transition into 40 for them.  From what I understand it gets worse if the issues aren't resolved the first time...can't remember where I heard this..

I find this interesting...

I know my H grew up in an abusive environment...mostly mentally and emotionally but I believe there was passive abuse and emotional neglect.  THERE WERE NO OUTSIDE ROLE MALE ROLE MODELS in his life.  This is a huge issue for H having grown up with a neglectful father and gay brothers. 

[Shantilly Lace]

H's brother is now his sister 

That transition happened awhile a go and when I spoke to "her" about it, I realised she did it becasue of what the step father did to them.

I remember h telling me a couple of years ago if his dad had survived he was sure that they would still be together, and then he went on to say how lucky he was to have found his someone he would spend the rest ofhis life with.  I know these words, I know H and I know he will come out of this and we will move forward and THIS is helping with my unfinished transition business.  i am dealing with things from then and forgiving myself.  and I think H is also dealing with these issues.

So it may not be hereditary as such but yeah issues that aren't dealt with may crop up.  but looking at H's 4 other siblings they all seem ok.  one tossed her philandering H out on his ear after being caught cheating YET again.  But that's different again.