[in it]

DO

 

Thanks for the information about the mans chemical brain function and at least you are HONEST!

For me marriage has graduated to a PARTNERSHIP not OWNERSHIP. Which involves compromise, negotiation, and being open to someone else's thoughts and needs is a must.

COMMUNICATION is KEY! Helping the other person life be easier not harder.

Sex is more apt to exist if both partners feel appreciated and valued in some way.

And if there is low self esteem or self respect and one needs their ego fed every second nothing the other can do will change that.

[Darth Obo]

Generally speaking, "sexless" marriages is a deal breakers for all but few men. Unlike the typical female where sex is the outgrowth of the emotional connection & bond that leads to the physical bond, men get a majority of the emotional connection through physical intimacy; it is during sex that our primary pair bonding chemical , Vasopressin, is released which is the primary male bonding chemical!

Vasopressin is released during sex. So, in short, no or limited sex, then the less vasopressin we have in our system. The less vasopressin, the less our pair bond is to you! Sexless marriage = no bond with you!!!

D.O my H will be undergoing a radical prostatectomy in 4 weeks. Chances are he will be impotent for quite a while if not for life. What will "bond" us together through the reconnecting stage we are going through now, not to mention the rebuilding stage we face in the future? Are you suggesting it is hopeless for us?

SF,

I dont know what to tell you. I was simply providing data and how men generally work. Not all men are the same, thats why I say generally. Couples do survive through medical issues such as ED, impotency, etc. I dont know how because I have never crossed that bridge and hope I never have to!

Bottom line is sex is important to men and it is a large part of our bond to our wife/girlfriends/SO. When it is withheld or witdrawn, we withdraw emotionaly from you and the longer it is withheld, the weaker our bond gets and the further we withdraw a grow resentment!

Bear in mind, I'm talking about a marriage where no medical issues are a problem and they are both healthy!


DO

[elray]

In it,

I used to whole heartedly agree with your point of view but for two years I've been reading about attraction and the literature seems pretty obvious.

http://ubc-emotionlab.ca/wp-content/files_mf/tracybeall2011emotion.pdf

Given that every man or woman is unique and speaking in broad generalities is dangerous, nevertheless, I'm wading into those troubled waters.

As in the study link, women aren't attracted  to the nice guy, the good communicator, or a relationship (yawn)built on equality and mutual appreciation.  They say they are, but that isn't how they are hard wired and that conflict of what a woman intellectually wants and what she emotionally craves creates a classic yin and yang within her.   Good sex and good relationships are those that can successfully float between those two places.

OBO, I would also add that personal experiences such as foo, abuse,etc can greatly drive individual needs.

[Darth Obo]

DO

 

Thanks for the information about the mans chemical brain function and at least you are HONEST!

For me marriage has graduated to a PARTNERSHIP not OWNERSHIP. Which involves compromise, negotiation, and being open to someone else's thoughts and needs is a must.

COMMUNICATION is KEY! Helping the other person life be easier not harder.

Sex is more apt to exist if both partners feel appreciated and valued in some way.

And if there is low self esteem or self respect and one needs their ego fed every second nothing the other can do will change that.

Init,

I do agree with you and specifically the bold points. If you communicate your needs, accept your partners needs and value each other, then yes, there should be no issues. Otherwise, its disaster. Thats why those needs need to be stated as soon as the relationship goes serioys and long term. If my LL is QT and PT with a high sex drive, she needs to know that. Likewise, if she is QT and WOA with a low to medium sex drive, I need to know that! We then decide if we are willing to adapt to meet each others needs or not!

Elray,

I agree with you on all points including the foo issues! Thanks for being the "guinea pig" and posting the study; that topic was bound to come out eventually! Bottom line, what they say they want / need (beta provider) differs from what they actually desire and turns them on (alpha bad boy)!

We have to be both effectively!

Nice guys finish last: No More Mr. Nice Guy!!


DO

[in it]

Well I don't think I'm too far off if I say the same thing.

Guys love that sultry sexy b!tc# who could give a $h!te less..they run into someone honest and open?  And they run from them like their hair is on fire.

The b!tc#er and colder I am the more of a challenge I present..it's exhausting and stupid.

[Darth Obo]

Well I don't think I'm too far off if I say the same thing.

Guys love that sultry sexy b*tch who could give a $hit less..they run into someone honest and open?  And they run from them like their hair is on fire.

The b*tcher and colder I am the more of a challenge I present..it's exhausting and stupid.

In It,

It's hard to say; without knowing where you meet them, the conditions, demographics, etc it's kind of hard to tell!

Me personally; I wouldn't stick around! If I approached a woman in a friendly manner and got a "don't give a f**k" attitude and general b*tch personality, I would just walk away! My analysis would be either, she generally doesn't want to be approached and isn't interested, or she thinks her "sh*t don't stink" and has pedestalized herself! Either way, not worth my effort! I don't mind a woman with some independence, can take care of herself and has good self-esteem & worth, but she needs to be down to earth, pleasant, open & honest!

The bold text up there kind of hits the nail on the head though.....you present a challenge! I could be off, but my best guess is either, 1) the guy is a PUA and you present the challenge and opportunity for him to chase & dominate you, or, 2) the guy is actually attracted to and wants a dominant woman, which in my opinion, raises a serious red flag (mommy & foo issues)!

As always, just my opinion! But I haven't met a guy yet that truly wants a b*tchy domineering woman as a partner. Those that do are either players looking for a challenge for that next notch in their gun or a total weak-willed beta that you will get bored with easy!


DO

[in it]

Well the pickins are pretty slim here.. and I don't put myself above anybody else.

I'm NOT interested in games and chasing somebody or them chasing me! I'll probably remain single after I wade my way through this crap and that's fine with me.

[Albatross]

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.

You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them, am I right??
-It isn't love, it's LUST.

Are you proud, and eager to show them off??
-It isn't love, it's LUCK.

Do you want them because you know they're there??
-It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you there because it's what everyone wants??
-It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.

Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand??
-It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you\don't want to
Hurt them??
-It isn't love, it's PITY.

Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat??
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.

Do you pardon their faults because you care about them??
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of??
-It isn't love, it's a LIE.

Are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake??
-It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

Does your heart ache and break when they're sad??
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you cry for their pain, even when they're strong??
-Then it's LOVE.

Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts??
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you accept their faults because they're a part of who they are??
-Then it's LOVE.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret??
-Then it's LOVE.

Would you give them your heart, your life, your death??
-Then it's LOVE.

Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love? Why is it all
we search for in life? This pain, this agony? Why is it all we long for?

This torture, this powerful death of self? Why? The answer is so simple
cause it's...LOVE. It is such an addictive thing that even people who
Are not having it wish to experience it and share it with others as well.

[in it]

I don't know..I can agree with most of it except the death part. If it's in reference to the marriage vows " in death do us part" possibly.

But coming close enough to death by the ex's hand..nope. I've enough of peoples abuse.

I believe if you do not love yourself first you may be incapable of loving anyone. Love for me currently doesn't equal pain.

[Lost]

There are many types of love, I found the following two definitions/differenciations interesting:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Loves