[Thunder]

In it,

The only people I can truly say I would give up my life for would be my kids, grandkids, great grandkids, my sisters and my brothers.  I guess only blood relationships.

Odd, I never thought about it before.  My X isn't on that list.
Maybe it's because I know those people would love me enough to give up their life for me.  I have no doubts about that.  It's unconditional love.  Love that will never go away or change.

My X may have been on that list at one time.  Actually, I'm sure he was.

[Ready2Transform]

I don't think I agree with a lot of this. Especially:

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you there??
-Then it's LOVE.

That's obsession. That's dependence. That's martyrdom.

I think some of us here were in co-dependent relationships before, but for most of us, we had healthy, happy homes that got sideswiped by breakdown. These extreme emotions are normal for people like us who were in shock and trauma for a long period of time, given the level of insanity we have been forced to deal with.

But now, we are growing forward. It is time for us, most of us being midlifers, too, to mature our view of love. We have all, as standers at one time or another in this, sacrificed bitterness, anger, resentment, and hatred in favor of agape, understanding, forgiveness, and empathy. We're already 10 steps ahead at getting to a more whole and rational view of love. I think working in that we should blindly accept cruel pain as part of that process (where it never was in my 20+ years with xH before) is more a result of victim identity issues than it would be commitment to a healthy life.  Just my opinion!

[in it]

I understand the unconditional love for children. But I simply wouldn't risk trying to go back to the house to see them due to his violent nature.

What good would it do if he killed me?

I just had to let the whole thing go.

 They wanted to label me as "crazy" and expected me to beg and plead and bombard them with " I love you so much how could you do this to me?" Bring DRAMA that's what they wanted. Listen to me suffer. They didn't get what they wanted.

The high road isn't easy.

And I agree Ready2 that sounds like obsession to me also. Something else I was accused of being by the ex with the girls. Any mother would be concerned and worried about her kids when they chose to live with an unbalanced whack job and his enabling mother. I'm just thankful my oldest daughter got away from the mess.

[superdog]

I actually dont know if i believe in unconditional love for a spouse. Blood related yes i get that. If my kids comitted murder i may well hate what they have done but remain with unconditional mothers love.

If my spouse comitted murder i believe whilst serving his time in jail love would fade an perhaps die. Would i love him regardless, likely not in the longer term.

By virtue that marriage is a contract, dont all contracts come with a condition? Dont our boundaries set conditions et etc.  Or maybe i had the wrong spouse and that has led to my belief.

Sd
X

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I'm glad Albatross posted this because I have been wondering what love is. I spoke with my wife yesterday. She was defensive, hyper-sensitive, slightly irritable, and a little bit uneasy, yet at times I also saw bits and pieces of the caring and compassionate woman I knew for so long. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing her and talking with her but it left me wondering what this hold is that she has on me that I call love.

I totally get the giving your heart thing. I always felt that if she needed a heart transplant I would volunteer. That's not very likely to happen, but I would fall on a grenade to save her. My trauma therapist told me I was, and continue to be, her protector. I never have been very bright. 

[in it]

ohhhh MBIB...((Hugs)) 

We all do need protecting. What you might be feeling is self sacrifice.
This all takes a while to "get" I guess.

I don't believe in "unconditional" love for a spouse  either.

 Especially someone who treats you with no regard or respect. It's supposed to be an ADULT "give and take" TAKING TURNS AT THAT partner/ relationship. 

Children need boundaries and may learn respect due to them.

[OffRoad]

That's not very likely to happen, but I would fall on a grenade to save her.

I see you are channeling your inner Bruno Mars. Perhaps you should go with The Lazy Song instead? 
It's sad that your W cannot appreciate you at this time.  How messed up must an MLCer be? (rhetorical question, there)

[Thunder]

I agree In It, disrespect can come in many forms, but physical abuse is inexcusable.

[Albatross]

If my spouse comitted murder i believe whilst serving his time in jail love would fade an perhaps die. Would i love him regardless, likely not in the longer term.

By virtue that marriage is a contract, dont all contracts come with a condition? Dont our boundaries set conditions et etc.  Or maybe i had the wrong spouse and that has led to my belief.

Sd
X

I believe that it is because of Your personal life experience. Any of MLCers lost identity and that was not happens at once like I have identity, now I don't. They actually in my opinion never develop unique own identity, perhaps they has some kind of identity and believe that it is their identity. That means they never be able connect with self and live in honesty with self and the world. Means they felt empty and unhappy most of their life. MLC is when they can't keep up on that way anymore. How then you successfully possibly love empty person? You can love him, but there no proper genuine feedback. Then there no possibility to develop deep multilayer loving relationship, not because of You, because of him. Two people can connect as much as each of them can connect with self. Also two people can develop true love as much as each of them can love self and on that way others. Of course lower capability of connection and love is in play. Ie convoy of ships cruising with speed of  slowest ship.

So, You can be perfect human being and loving relationship with someone else would be as much  as that person can love.

[in it]

You can't love an empty person..you can pour all your energy into them and not get anything in return. It doesn't lead to a very satisfying relationship.

I don't define myself by what happened to me.

I know who I am. Now everybody else gets to decide who they are.