[Trustandlove]

Maybe we should re-name "wishful thinking" to "positive energy" or something like that.

Remember the bit that HB and I talked about, about "claiming victory"?  Acting like you'd already won?  I think it's more that.  It's BELIEVING.

And I do think that we can each strengthen each other there.   This is one of those things (I often compare it to having special needs kids) that you can only understand if you've been there. 

I find that looking at RCR's table on denial vs acceptance is relevant here.  (under Standing Actions....)

 

[mercury]

I too look at him with disgust now, I feel he is a coward and a runner, and I Know  I do not ever want to be around monster.

I stand because of what we had, who he was, and what we built together.

I hope because I believe in the love we shared.

[LIVINSTRONG]

TL in response to you statement about "finding someone else" being childish.  I agree with that. Have you found that most people think that is just what you need to do to get over H. Just run right out and get a new one. That is one thing that really bothers me about well meaning friends.

[tsk]

I also go back and forth. My head tells me to get the divorce and protect myself legally, but in my heart I am standing. To be honest my heart sometimes falter. I come here to get re-energized.

I also have had well meaning friends tell me 'we'll find you someone new' or 'we'll have a divorce party'. I have never celebrated any divorce...even when there was abuse.

This is a great thread, glad to know others feel the same way and I'm not an oddball.

[SpecialK]

I feel I am finally letting go, and I now fully understand when people look after yourself.  For months I have allowed his actions, thoughts and feelings
control my life.  At a sub-conscious level I was putting my life on hold.  Now my own journey is beginning - I have found a brlliant councellor, my focus is
more on me now :-)  I am working on fixing me and getting to be the real me again.  The old feelings are nowhere near as strong as they were.  At this
moment in time I can honest say if he had a change of heart I'm not sure if I will want to go back.  I never thought I hear from myself saying that, but
there is only so much hurt, tears etc., you can take (I've never had my heart broken like this before).  For a very long time I blamed myself for everything
played the victim, shut myself away and it effected everything in my life.  I put up with his comings and goings, made excuses for his behaviour and totally
lost myself.  Now I want to move forward, I know it will be slow and I know I will have bad days, but I'm tired and want to set myself free

[Dontgiveup]

I often re-read "Women in Midlife Crisis" by the Conways.  Each time I read it or review it, I gain additional insight into my ex-wife.

Over the last couple of days, I read the chapters on self-esteem and depression again.  It continues to give me clarity on the severity of my ex-wife's depression and MLC, which go hand in hand.

The chapter on self-esteem gave me great insight into how these childhood issues play into her MLC.  It doesn't make what we are going through any easier, but it does increase my understanding.  It gives me additional clarity on some of the reasons why this emotional disorder that we call MLC effects her moral compass and decision making.

[LIVINSTRONG]

Enjoying reading that we all feel pretty much the same.....and our spouses are acting pretty much the same.

My current state of mind is that I pitty him, some anger some hurt but not like in the begining, maybe its resentment and not anger. I do not want to see him or talk to him, I think if I saw him someplace in public I could  walk by,  say hello and keep walking. Treat him like a casual aquaintence. He calls me his best friend, my thought is "friends like that who needs enemies"

He has made his choice clear and it felt good to tell him that as long as she is in the picture I am not.
Do I want a divorce? NO! I believe we will be together again someday. The only thing that has made me think about getting a D is that he may get in some legal trouble and that could cost me the farm. (see my last post if you wonder why that might happen)

I hope a continue to feel this way for a long time, I feel happy, positive about us and how my life is going now , I feel proud that I am taking care of myself financially, mentaly and physicaly. He may come back a different person , but he will find a new person in my place.

No longer will I mow the yard, clean the barn, maintain the farm, cook ,clean and do laundry because I want someone to love me and think that I treated them so great they will never think of leaving me. Look what happened!! ( he tells everyone i was the best wife no one will ever treat him as good as I did)  Won't make that mistake again

Now I mow the grass because I like the way it looks, I enjoy working on the farm taking care of the horses, I can have a bowl of cereal for dinner if I want to, only have to do two loads of laundry a week Yipeee!!!

I still love H and don't want bad things for him. Guess what? I didn't die when he left, my life is happier than his. When he comes back he will know to treat me like a wife and with respect, because he taught me that I can make it on my own. Thanks Honey!!!!

[LettingGo]

If anyone had told me 6 months ago my husband would abandon me and the kids physically and fall in love with a woman 22 years younger than me I would have told them "F him - you are looking at a divorced woman here!"

When it actually happened, I didn't react that way at all. I don't know ANYONE in my circle of family, friends or acquaintances who wouldn't have immediately filed for divorce. So what is different about me? Well, I know my husband's behaviors and confusion are wildly out of character for him. That's how I knew I had to find a reason, not an excuse, but a reason for all of this and I did.

Why do I hang on through all of this? Because I didn't write this novel and I want to see how the story ends....

[Courageous wife]

If anyone had told me 6 months ago my husband would abandon me and the kids physically and fall in love with a woman 22 years younger than me I would have told them "F him - you are looking at a divorced woman here!"

When it actually happened, I didn't react that way at all. I don't know ANYONE in my circle of family, friends or acquaintances who wouldn't have immediately filed for divorce. So what is different about me? Well, I know my husband's behaviors and confusion are wildly out of character for him. That's how I knew I had to find a reason, not an excuse, but a reason for all of this and I did.

Why do I hang on through all of this? Because I didn't write this novel and I want to see how the story ends....

Exactly!!!! 

[Flowerpower]

LG,

couldn't have said it better myself!!!....