[Mermaid]

Yes, you are right RCR. We all project, and our realities are different. We are a mixture of our idealised selves, and the reality that arises in the context of time/ situations.

I do see some qualities buried in my H, and I think he wants to get back to them too, but doesn't know how. At the moment, he thinks that he's doing waht he needs to do, and ignores the consequences to us all.

I guess I'm just feeling angry. Finding it hard to let go, and it's easier if I see him as a lesser man.

[Sunflower]

Thanks so much for moving this thread up.  I also have been struggling with whether I'm just being silly by standing.  I went on vacation for a week and came back feeling so strong only to have all of this hit me in the face hard.  I've been going through a serious depression this week just trying to deal with everything.  It doesn't help that our D14 is a cheerleader so every Thursday we go to her game to watch her.  I sit with my H and his parents and to an outsider everything is the same as always.  Every week I just want to beg him to just come home with me and forget all of this nonsense and it's been two years since he moved out.  Instead I act like I'm so happy, I'm nice to him and then I get in my car and know that he is probably going to see OW and I cry. 

But I will continue standing because I truly love him and I meant every word I said in my marriage vows. 

[Sunflower]

I received this in my e-mail today:

We Have -

  "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we
  ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know
  that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what
  we asked of him."  1 John 5:14-15

Maybe like me you have read that verse for years, but read it
again.  "We have."  Not going to one day.  Not might have.  Not
for some but not everyone.  It is already ours!  It hit me that
for a while I have been believing God "was going" to heal my
marriage.  But what I should have been doing was praising God for
my "healed" marriage.  It's already done!  I know in the natural
world my marriage may not appear to be healed.  But God's Word
says it is healed. 

Remember the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20.  Three
armies had come against Judah.  God told them the battle was
His: 

  He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah
  and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be
  afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle
  is not yours, but God's.'"  2 Chronicles 20:15

BUT GOD!  I love those two words.  Are you surrounded by
enemies?  Divorce, cancer, heart problems, alcoholism or drug
addiction?  They can be scary.  BUT GOD!  He promises to fight
our battle.  He promises us healing.  He promises to be our
Redeemer.  Look what the Israelites did.  They went out to battle
singing and praising God - they were doing a victory dance before
the battle! 

  "After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing
  to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his  holiness
  as they went out at the head of the army, saying: 'Give thanks
  to the Lord, for his love endures forever.'  As they began to
  sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon
  and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were
  defeated."  2 Chronicles 20:21-22

That's what we need to do.  Start doing a victory dance now! 
Read 1 John 5:14 again.  Those of us standing for our marriages
know we are asking for God's will.  So God hears us.  And we
know "we have" our request - a healed marriage.  Woo Hoo! 

Satan will be whispering to us, "It won't happen...You should
find someone else...You can't change your spouse...Get on with
your life."  These are all lies.  Satan knows we have the victory
before the battle.  The only thing he can do is get us to forfeit
our victory by not believing in it.  Don't let him steal your
victory.  Read God's promise to you every day.  Don't listen to
the world.  Remember the story of Jairus.  If anyone had a reason
to give up, it was him.  He had a sick daughter and went to Jesus
for healing. 

While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of
Jairus, the synagogue ruler.  "Your daughter is dead," he
said.  "Don't bother the teacher any more."  Luke 8:49

How many of us have heard those words from our family and
friends.  "Your marriage is dead.  Don't bother praying for it." 
Jesus is telling us the same thing He told Jairus:

  "...Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed." 
  Luke 8:50

Start dancing!  Your victory has been promised by the Everlasting
God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

[Glimmer]

Hi Sunflower, I agree with everything you have written. I also meant every word of my marriage vows.
Sometimes I feel like kicking myself and think I am so stupid to waste my life wanting a man back who cheated on me, walked away from his family and his responsibilities without a care in the world. I act as though everything is fine, smiling to people we know. Yet he comes home to visit every single day to taunt me and still has no idea what it feels like every time he closes the front door and leaves us again.   He has yo-yoed for almost a year and as yet there is no end in sight. I wonder how much more I can take of this, and then when I wake up next morning I find the strength from somewhere to hold on for just one more day.
I hope you can take comfort in knowing you are not the only 'silly' one.

[Sunflower]

Thanks.  I really know I'm not being silly, I'm just doing what I think is right, but some days are more difficult than others. 

My H left 2 years ago this month and he did waffle back and forth for a while, but now seems to know that he never wants to come home or have a romantic relationship with me.  He had an "online" affair for the past 2 years that became physical in June so I guess they are blissfully happy now.

[mercury]

SunFlower

NO they are not blissfully happy, read affair down, just about every relationship based on infidelity fails in the end. This thought crosses  my mind almost daily and I just remember  the affair down stuff.

((Hugs))

[Sunflower]

My H doesn't look happy when I see him, I know.  Plus he must have to constantly lie even to our D14 about where he is and what he's doing.  I wouldn't want to live that way.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Sometimes, I don't know why I stand at all. I work my but off at the job, at home, and dealing with my w that I wish I was the one that was losing my mind and could stay at home while she worked everyday and tended after our two girls.

Yet,  everytime that I hit the end of the line and I am ready to toss in the towel or quit the team, something happens that gives me the strength to endure. To go one more day or another weekend. I get so frustrated at times that I just want to grab the girls and leave.

Maybe tonight thats what I should do. Hmmm. Night out with the girls. Leave her alone with her computer again. Who knows? Yet, I will post this and go home.

[StillStanding]

I know how that feels. Every time I've felt like packing it in and walking away, a little voice inside me says "No. That's not how you treat your marriage."

There's a book called Hold Onto Your N.U.T.s (tacky name but a pretty good book) that defines NUTs as "Non-Negotiable, Unalterable Terms"; those are the principles that you cannot compromise on without feeling like you are compromising yourself.

You will know if something is a "NUT" when you get that gut-level reaction.