[Windsofchange]

I am really curious if they really can change.  I have seen my MLC'er cycle through all the monster and reconnection and I guess I am dying to know if they really can come out this?   I wonder with mine how he can stand to live in our home with all of his "hate" towards me.  Will he ever really respect me?  Will he ever really want to be nice to me again?  I am asking these because I have seen him "try".  But it seems so short lived then he is right back to sarcastic and snide comments.  Really??? When does it end?  Why doesn't he choose to leave if he is sooo miserable?

He left and came back 5 times in the course of the last 2 years.  The most he has been gone is two months before coming home.   His affair was physical once (supposedly) but emotional lasted 1 1/2 years.

I am really curious to hear from some of you that have had success. 

 

[Finding Hope]

Winds,

I don't think what I have yet is success. But, I live with my MLCer too. And he was really mean and nasty for about a year.

I just stopped giving him reasons to. Wouldn't let him try to pull me into an argument. Just walked away or actually drove away sometimes. Hard to mean to someone when they don't give you a reason.

Just hang on. Keep in mind that he's still there. If they want to leave most just do it.

HUGS
FH

[living with Hope]

Can't comment on mine but my friend had her own MLC.  Ran away from her husband and child. Went thru a real selfish period. Very self serving.  Could not see the damage even when pointed out.  Her running stage probably lasted 2.5 years or more and then she had a depressive stage after for about 6 months or more.  She asked to come home somewhere in there. (He is too afraid to let her back in...it is still an ongoing process)  Anyways, it took her a good 5 to 8 months before she became a confident, better version of herself.  I think I like her better now than I did before.  She really is more emphathetic and kind.

[Janus2014]

I will say this - I had my own MLC 6 years ago for about 6 months.  At that time, I developed what I have heard is called "confirmation bias."  I only saw the "evidence" that supported my negative views of my H - fear that he was just using me for my income; he disrespected women; he only really made himself available when my stepchildren were around.  He was a workaholic and it was painful.  I took a work detail away from home, missed an important event of his and was b!tc#y to him when he contacted me.  He did not directly confront me, but tried to put himself where I was, be really nice and plan good events for us.  When I saw his efforts and pain, it pulled me out of my MLC. 

I now see how unfair I was.  He had a very hard job, but had tried to take time out to do good things for me in the year preceding my MLC.  For a time, I was lost.  All I had wanted to do was get away. 

Unfortunately, my MLC may have triggered my H's MLC.  He got me "back" and almost immediately began an EA.  Then, he says, he was angry for 2 years.  At that point, he was in a job overseas and began a PA with the OW that will probably end our M.  He came home, but was desperately searching for another overseas job.  He got it and he's been gone for 19 months, only coming home a handful of times.  I only learned of his affair 6 months ago.  After I found out, he seemed to want to come home, but we've had some nasty fights b/c he said he would drop her and did not.  His cycling at home has been such that when I describe it to my Therapist, she thinks it is indicative of a mental breakdown.  My reactions have scared him.  He thinks I plotted to get him home to obtain divorce evidence.

If it's any consolation, I am suffering every torment that I inflicted on him.  I can't bear living the rest of my life w/o him.  But then I think, maybe the OW loves him and has treated him better than I did. 

[barbiedoll]

I do not know if i would call my attempts at reconcilliation a "success" ... but i can tell you in all honesty about my husband. In short he had a rapid entense crisis with the bomb drop in may 2013. Hell to live with and my tolerance snapped in Sept , and i threw him out. Went zero contact  as it was better for me. At the end of november i discovered a physical affair with a family member had been going on the entire time. I wanted to die. I stayed up all night and trudged the the snow and packed everything he owned into the garage, changed the locks , bank accounts and called a lawyer. I sent him a email telling him what i had done and was finished with him. DONE. Within 1 hour he was in the parking lot at my job , on his knees crying in the snow asking me "what have i done?" He begged me to help him. He is back in the house and I see many profound changes in him. How can I explain?. He was a big tough muscle man construcyion worker who had no time for anything .. but work. He was never able to relate emotionally and i felt a veil of rejection for years. He did not understand himself emotionally and could not see to identify emotions when he did feel them. He has a book he carries around that describes emotions and words to use to describe them. SHOCKS me. He signed us up for a marriage retreat for 4 days and spoke (cried) to an audience of over 80 people .. apologized and said he was praying i would be able to forgive him.He was shaking. He touches me constantly , holds my hand , tells me he loves me ( has not said those words in years) . He has stopped working and spends evenings walking and reading . He does the marriage retreat homework ( he initiates it) and went to the book store and bought the love languages. ( NEVER would he have been caught dead with this in public). He talks about vulnerability and watches podcasts about Àwakening the Giant Within`. He reads to me. Difficult books . ( Infidelity PTSD.. for me) . He stays in the room and does not run away from the most entense rage you can imagine. He has faced what he has done, there is no more blame.. he understands himself and his family of origins influence on his life. He talks like never ever before, he is emotional and feels comfortable with himself. He asks questions that he never ever would have voiced . He is curious about relationships and intamacy and how he is excited about the future. He often says `I feel entirely different, i understand many things differently`` He is a `person in progress`.. in many many ways .. i cautiously say... he is a very improved man. He likes himself now.

[Anjae]

Most of us still have our MLCers in crisis. Look for the light and dark purple threads. Those are the threads of people reconnecting and those who have reconciled.

[RainbowGal]

 I am reading here but not replying much due to an arm injury that makes typing painful but I felt compelled to jump in here and type a short response to say that YES,YES,YES…they CAN and DO change IF  they navigate the entire tunnel length…if they make it that far,it can indeed be well worth the pain.Regardless of how they turn out,the time we are given during their crisis is well spent if you focus on YOU.

 Hang in there…read the articles….. and begin to trust the process.

 “Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” -Thomas Edison

 

[paradigmshift]

I will say this - I had my own MLC 6 years ago for about 6 months.  At that time, I developed what I have heard is called "confirmation bias."  I only saw the "evidence" that supported my negative views of my H - fear that he was just using me for my income; he disrespected women; he only really made himself available when my stepchildren were around.  He was a workaholic and it was painful.  I took a work detail away from home, missed an important event of his and was b*tchy to him when he contacted me.  He did not directly confront me, but tried to put himself where I was, be really nice and plan good events for us.  When I saw his efforts and pain, it pulled me out of my MLC. 

I now see how unfair I was.  He had a very hard job, but had tried to take time out to do good things for me in the year preceding my MLC.  For a time, I was lost.  All I had wanted to do was get away. 

Hi Janus,

Could you please advise on whether those negative traits you saw in your husband were really there (e.g. using me for my income; he disrespected women; he only really made himself available when my stepchildren were around) or was it just your mind playing tricks on you?

Thank you

[Janus2014]

Hi PS,

My H and I come from different backgrounds.  He comes from a military, alpha male background.  I come from a more upscale, suburban, civilian background where most people are highly educated.  My parents expected us to go to very good schools and I have a professional degree.  H was proud of my advanced degree.  But H's first wife did not work and H did not understand how hard it is for a military spouse to continue to work in a profession while moving around.  H seemed frantic for me to work at a high-paying job because it boosted his ego and also helped provide a better lifestyle for his kids from his prior marriage. 

So some of it WAS real - H just may have been more clueless than ill-intentioned.  When we returned from overseas 2 years into our marriage, H wanted me to take a job in DC and live there with a relative because H was going to be very busy with a military assignment in FL.  H thought he would "visit" me.   Thankfully, that fell through and H and I ended up together in FL, but H pushed me to take the licensing exam there, which was very stressful.  (And the "living with my relative" plan was a way of keeping other men away from me while H was busy.  When we first married, H had me sell my couches and would not buy new ones for the first year, I think b/c H did not want me entertaining anyone while H was working or out of town.)

H has done things that most people I know consider misogynistic.  H bought my SD a new car without consulting me.  H then brought me into the driveway where SD stood with the car and said, "Thank your stepmother."  SD knew I had no say, but that I would be helping to pay for it.  H gave adult kids monthly "allowances" and I had no say.  That car episode was the year before I went into MLC.  (I should add that the night of our wedding, MIL asked my father what my father was going to do financially for his new grandchildren.  My father didn't even know them.  H said H felt physically sick on hearing of this, but it set the tone.)

I became arrogant and expected H to treat me like he had when we dated.  When H was occupied with military demands instead, I began wanting to run away.  But in retrospect, H also made sure to take a Sunday per month for us and to take me on a couple of trips that were fun.  I was headed into MLC and couldn't register the things H did that reflected caring for me.

As to disrespect of women, H made many unilateral decisions w/o consulting me, culminating in taking this current job overseas.  When I met H's stepfather, who was also military, he was really rude and dictatorial to me.  His current wife seemed like a Kewpie doll.  I should have known.

The crowner is that 2 years ago, before that overseas job came through - when H was just retired from the military and I was working, but H was not - H was selling mainly MY things on eBay, ostensibly to make money for us.  H was actually sending the money to the OW. 

[paradigmshift]

Janus,

I honestly do not know what to say after reading your story. It seems to me you weren't having a MLC - you were in crisis and had every right to be. It wasn't a confirmation bias, it was confirmation, pure and simple. Love is a funny thing. If I had known what my ex would do to me (all the emotional and physical abuse) I wouldn't have touched him with a 10-foot pole. Yes, he was good to me (really really good sometimes), but that doesn't not give him the excuse to do all the nasty things he did to me.

I think this crisis is to allow us to learn how to love ourselves more than we love them.