[tigrlily12000]

Shortly after I got my BD I met with H's father to discuss his thoughts on what was happening.  H and his father are very close and since H has a terrible habit of holding things in I figured his father would be able to give me the best insight.  Once I sat down and explained what had happened up to that point his father said "he's having one of those damn mid life things".  He told me to give him his space and for now either do a separation or "just co habitate".  At the time I told him I didn't think I could do that as I married him for a partner, not a roommate.  After a few weeks with this in the back of my head and no improvement I started my research.

Now...I will say this.  His father would know best as he had his own MLC about 7 years ago complete with the red Corvette, joining a band to be a rockstar, drug/alcohol abuse and several girls 20-30 years his junior.  MIL stuck it out for about 5 years and finally threw in the towel.  They did get a D but still occasionally go out on "dates".  I honestly don't think FIL has finished his journey through his tunnel as he still seems to have a lot of highs and lows.

So along with the other questions thrown out there my biggie is, is MLC hereditary?

T

[Dagolark]

Oh boy! Red corvette and rockstar band... here's one for the cover of our magazine, MLC monthly!

How old was FIL when he did this? And is he aware now that it was a MLC?

[tigrlily12000]

Oh boy! Red corvette and rockstar band... here's one for the cover of our magazine, MLC monthly!

How old was FIL when he did this? And is he aware now that it was a MLC?

FIL would have been around 55 yo which is a lot further in life than H's 39 year of age.  He did not say that his was a MLC but alluded to the fact that it was.  I don't think he's completely worked it out but he did say he knew he screwed up and if he could do things differently he would have worked it out instead of getting a D.

[Kenai]

I have seen comments about MLC-hereditory-questions before 
I do not think it is, precisely, hereditory, BUT I do think it is possible that in the family there are many similar MLC-cases, even in generations, because what is inherited is the form of attitude towards problems, conflicts... You know that MLC seems to hit the strongest to persons with avoindant characteristics, ie. a person who has developed a habbit of avoiding problems and conflicts in his/her life, is more likely to fall into deeper MLC because this crisis attempts at forcing you to deal with the stuff you have not dealt with so far in your life. So avoidant people have a lot more stuff to deal with than many others... Plus, when the depression hits in, what do they do? Try to avoid as far as possible because that is what they are used to doing! So there it goes worse again...
So I believe it is likely that there might be serious MLC-cases within same families or in generations because one's father or mother already passed the way of avoidance (or something similar) to their kids, so when the kids reach the age, they fall in similar ways to their MLC as their parents. Of course, it is not always like this: one person might grow up and deal with the stuff more wisely and avoid repeating family-models but that depends on the individual.

After BD, I actually found out my H's mother left her family in similar way when H was small - three times! For OM. Father-in-law says that mother-in-law acted completely indiffent in these situations and did not care about her family's feelings. Now her son is doing us the same... I might add that my mother-in-law has been rather indifferent to us also in this situation: She has made clear she supports H and seems to think it is all my fault and that her perfect son has the right to pursue his happiness. My friends say that probably this attitude has to do with the fact that if she acknowledged our pain of going through H's abandonment, she would also need to deal with the pain SHE caused to her family back then, and while she is not willing to do that, she is unable to deal with this situation, too... Apparently, I think this is one of the issues my H should be dealing now, a family model and childhood abandonment, and I certainly hope he would, because otherwise there is a risk he passes this model forward to his daughters...

Kenai.

[living with Hope]

Kenai,

Funny you should mention Avoidant people.  My MLC before he went off into vanishing had been looking for a textbook on Avoidant personality.  I am assuming his new therapist must have advised him to read it. 
I hope he purchased it or is working on this. 

It runs in my husband's family.  I am not sure about the generations before him but his Brother had done something similar to his wife over 20 years ago when he was in his 30's.  He was gone for 2 years.  Neither of them will really discuss it as I think it was a very painful experience.  They both have said that they are stronger than ever and love each other deeper.  He was never as mean or as secret as my spouse but still as confusing.  I don't think she or he believes it was a MLC.  My BIL told me it is a dark, dark depression that is so different than one you have ever had before and you don't realize you are in one. 

I found out about MLC from my Family Doctor.  She asked me the type of things my husband was saying and she told me to go home and research it.  I didn't believe her at first.  I honestly didn't.  It took me awhile to actually do it and I was shocked at how he matched script.

And yet, here I type 2.5 years later and I still have doubts about it all...

[Beach1]

My husband's best friend told me that men go through 'this thing', a mid life crisis.  I said it is no excuse.  He agreed.  I thought, at the time, it was an excuse guys used to cover for one another.  This was in 2012.  BD was 18 mths prior to that conversation.  Although when I look back, this nightmare has been going on since 2009.  My head has been spinning all this time.  My husband is clearly depressed.  Although there is a family history so I thought it was some sort of depression and chemical imbalance  My counselor and daughter's counselor agreed to both.  My girlfriend recently told me to google 'Midlife Crisis'.  A light went on.  Textbook!  I kept saying he thinks he is 22 years old.  I don't want a 22 year old husband.  I am doing everything I can to keep my S20 on track since I have been raising him by myself since he is 16.  (So far, so good.  However, the kid is crushed by all this).  Both he and my D24 are embarrassed and ashamed of their Dad's behavior.  The OW is a 2x divorced 'barfly'.  I tell my kids that her reputation, character and actions speak for themselves.  People who know her can not believe he went from me to 'that pig'.  She is the type of woman my real husband would look down on.  We have no contact with my husband.  Works better for kids and me.  H clearly has no problem with it.
This site has been so healing reading that I am not crazy.  I get no support from my family or in laws.  My family hates him.  In laws say '$h!te happens'.  They think I am in denial because of his rewritten history.  One sister in law has my back, but it is causing problems for her because she can't sweep things under the rug.  My in laws are avoiders.  That is where my husband gets it.  Their attitude is...  If we don't talk about it, it didn't happen.  Healthy!  Basically, I am on my own.  I have 2 close girlfriends who have saved me many times.  Otherwise, I keep it to myself.  My husband was a great father, not good, GREAT. He was a good provider, great husband and often said that he is the guy you want in your cell phone when you are stuck on the side of the road.  Reliable and honorable beyond comparison.  Well, no more to any of that.  I don't discuss it with people because I don't want to talk bad about him.  He is still the father of my kids and I will always respect that.  I wake up every morning and ask God to get me through 'today'.  Can't look beyond.  I pray for strength and patience.  Pray for healing for all of us and hope for the best.  I have been dealing with my own issues, hitting the gym for stress relief and doing the best I can.  This site and all of the words of wisdom get me through the day.  Thank you.  I wish all of you... Happily ever after.. One way or another.

[barbiedoll]

My husband dropped the big bomb .. never should have married me , no love etc etc. He wanted to "learn to live alone .. a lone wolf " Just shocking beyond words. He IMMEDIATELY agreed to go to counselling (HUH?) . We went to a marriage counsellor but he adamantly told her " he had no intention of working on the marriage" ( to a MARRIAGE counsellor .. again  HUH?) She saw me by myself the following week and told me he was having a major "identity /midlife crisis".. I had no clue what was happening. She told me I was in for a very very rough ride and to expect.. Anger, Apathy, Avoidance of all issues, Agressiveness, Abandonement and possibly Adultry. She was right on all counts. From there , I googled my way to this forum. He was described 100% in this forum.. so atleast I knew why he was NUTS.