Author Topic: Mirror-Work Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD  (Read 8917 times)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Mirror-Work Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« on: September 18, 2014, 05:13:16 PM »
Currently in the US the NFL is under some scrutiny due to Domestic Violence incidents of some of it's players - what we allow will continue. BREAK THE SILENCE.

More tommorrow..I'm trying to do this from my phone   ::)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2014, 07:58:15 AM »
I know there is more than just me who have had to learn the hard way that you cannot help someone else who is not willing to address their own issues when it comes to this subject. IMHO the first step is recognizing behavior that may lead to a Domestic Violence incident.

Found online:

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation
– In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit
suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2014, 04:10:29 PM »
For me things were a litle different because Mr J only become an abuser when MLC hit. The threads come when he had become involved with OW1, and later when he had already left but was still going to the house. The physical abuse was only there for a month or so before he left and then after he left on ocassions he was in the house. 

Before MLC we were equal partners in the relationship and the relationship was normal. I have no idea who is this MLC crazy man.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2014, 04:23:24 PM »
I'm so sorry to.hear that Anjae.

I tolerated it because I felt I was doing something wrong.If I could just do it right he wouldn't get so angry I somehow didn't love him enough.Sometime's I did do things that weren't good but there were reasons for that also.Regardless no one deserves this kind of treatment.Just leave! Why hurt someone else because you cannot control yourself. >:(

Did you ever call the police Anjae?

Anyone reading this: Its whoever calls the police first is who runs the show in my part of NYS in the US.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2014, 05:11:28 PM »
No, I did not call the police. Now I know I should had, but it was over 8 years ago or 8 years ago and I was so surprised with the whole thing. I truly thought it was not going to be repeated. Little did I knew. And, of course, I did not knew it was MLC. Then I moved back home both because it was no longer save and I got a job here (that is long gone).

Mr J cannot touch me here. He cannot even get close to me. I live with my family. He does not dare to come here.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2014, 06:01:50 PM »
I'm dealing with a huge coward and live about a mile away from him..he knows I'm serious and I feel pretty secure he won't test me.

I was badly advised by a lawyer after all of this happened.Anyone can fill out an incident report It doesn't mean you can have them arrested. But at least you have documentation if it happens again
.
I'm happy you are safe Anjae .MLC or not there is no excuse for someone to put their hands on another person in anger.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2014, 02:25:21 AM »
One of the biggest mistakes I make during the relationship is I mistook controlling behavior as caring. In childhood I was somewhat neglected .how I ened up the tatget of Domestic Violence was through bring a witness of it participating in it due to defending my mother from it (stepfathers ) then making excuses for it in this last relationship.

I was not afraid of him that's how it escalated.I didn't think that day there was any need to take anyone with me.I was leaving. I have read that's the most dangerous time in the relationship.You are giving them what they want but due to loss of control of the situation apparently they feel a need to try to take control physically.

 Once it goes this far? I simply cannot have anything to do with him.I never really saw it as having self worth issues. I knew there was something wrong with him. I just couldn't figure out what it was until I got perspective did some research and identified it.

A narccisist in a MLC is nothing to deal with.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2014, 09:38:09 AM »
Many people believe that domestic violence is a private matter, to be dealt with behind closed doors.

But the truth is that domestic violence is a crime which affects the whole of society. We all have a role to play in ending it.

Why help? Because domestic violence affects you too.
You might think that domestic violence is nothing to do with you. You may be in a loving, healthy relationship with a partner who respects you. This doesn't mean that you aren't affected by domestic violence.

Domestic violence costs the tax payer £16 billion every year, in medical, legal and housing costs.

1 in 4 women will experience abuse at some point in their lives - which means that women in your life could be at risk.

Why help? Because you can make a difference.

It can be difficult to watch a friend or loved one being hurt by their partner. You may feel powerless and unable to help. You may not be able to fix the problem or rescue your friend, but you can still make a difference.

Only 16% of domestic violence is reported to the police, which means that most victims suffer in silence. By reaching out to a friend, you can help break her isolation.

Women who experience abuse often feel ashamed, confused and alone. They need their friends more than ever.
Abused women often do not realize that what they are experiencing is domestic violence. You can help your friend to recognize the signs and take steps to stay safe.

Why help? Because we all have a responsibility to speak out.
Domestic violence is a crime. It should be treated with the same severity as any other violent crime. It should not be ignored.
Domestic violence is protected by people's silence. If we do not speak out against it, we become part of the problem.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2014, 11:15:54 AM »
Domestic violence rates are higher for homosexual couples than for heterosexual couples
From the left-leaning Atlantic Monthly. (H/T ECM)

Excerpt:

Data on the rates of same-sex partner abuse have only become available in recent years. Even today, many of the statistics and materials on domestic violence put out by organizations like the Center for Disease Control and the Department of Justice still focus exclusively on heterosexual relationships, and specifically heterosexual women. While the CDC does provide some resources on its website for the LGBT population, the vast majority of the information is targeted at women.  Materials provided by the CDC for violence prevention and survivor empowerment prominently feature women in their statistics and photographs.

In 2013, the CDC released the results of a 2010 study on victimization by sexual orientation, and admitted that “little is known about the national prevalence of intimate partner violence, sexual violence, and stalking among lesbian, gay, and bisexual women and men in the United States.” The report found that bisexual women had an overwhelming prevalence of violent partners in their lives: 75 percent had been with a violent partner, as opposed to 46 percent of lesbian women and 43 percent of straight women. For bisexual men, that number was 47 percent. For gay men, it was 40 percent, and 21 percent for straight men.

The most recent statistics available on same-sex intimate partner violence from the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, which focuses on LGBT relationships, reported 21 incidents of intimate partner homicides in the LGBT community, the highest ever. Nearly half of them were gay men and, for the second year in a row, the majority of survivors were people of color—62 percent.

In 2012, NCAVP programs around the country received 2,679 reports of intimate partner violence, a decrease of around 32 percent from 2011. However the report noted that many of the NCAVP’s member organizations were operating at decreased capacity due to limiting the number of cases they were able to take. The report said that excluding data from organizations, there was actually a 29 percent increase in reports of violence from 2011 to 2012.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2014, 04:30:23 PM »
Found online

Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

A growing body of literature shows that children who have been exposed to domestic violence are more likely than their peers to experience a wide range of difficulties. These difficulties fall into three main categories:

Behavioral, social, and emotional problems. Children in families experiencing domestic violence are more likely than other children to exhibit aggressive and antisocial behavior or to be depressed and anxious (Brown & Bzostek, 2003). Other researchers have found higher levels of anger, hostility, oppositional behavior, and disobedience; fear and withdrawal; poor peer, sibling, and social relationships; and low self-esteem.
Cognitive and attitudinal problems. Children exposed to domestic violence are more likely to experience difficulties in school and score lower on assessments of verbal, motor, and cognitive skills. Slower cognitive development, lack of conflict resolution skills, limited problem solving skills, pro-violence attitudes, and belief in rigid gender stereotypes and male privilege are other issues identified in the research (Brown & Bzostek, 2003; Edleson, 2006).
Long-term problems. Research indicates that males exposed to domestic violence as children are more likely to engage in domestic violence as adults; similarly, females are more likely to be victims (Brown & Bzostek, 2003). Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms also have been found (Silvern et al., 1995). Exposure to domestic violence is also one of several adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) that have been shown to contribute to premature death, as well as risk factors for many of the most common causes of death in the United States. (For more information, visit the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study website: www.acestudy.orgexternal link)
Despite these sobering findings, not all children exposed to domestic violence will experience such negative effects. Children's risk levels and reactions to domestic violence exist on a continuum; some children demonstrate enormous resiliency, while others show signs of significant maladaptive adjustment. Protective factors such as social competence, intelligence, high self-esteem, outgoing temperament, strong sibling and peer relationships, and a supportive relationship with an adult (especially a nonabusive parent) can help protect children from the adverse effects of exposure to domestic violence (Edleson, 2004; Hughes, Graham-Bermann, & Gruber, 2001; Carlson, 2000).

Additional factors that influence the impact of domestic violence on children include:

Nature of the violence. Children who witness frequent and severe forms of violence or fail to observe their caretakers resolving conflict may undergo more distress than children who witness fewer incidences of physical violence and experience positive interactions between their caregivers.
Age of the child. Younger children appear to exhibit higher levels of emotional and psychological distress than older children. Age-related differences might result from older children's more fully developed cognitive abilities to understand the violence and select various coping strategies to alleviate upsetting symptoms.
Elapsed time since exposure. Children often have heightened levels of anxiety and fear immediately after a violent event. Fewer observable effects are seen in children as time passes after the violent event.
Gender. In general, boys exhibit more externalized behaviors (e.g., aggression and acting out) while girls exhibit more internalized behaviors (e.g., withdrawal and depression).
Presence of child physical or sexual abuse. Children who witness domestic violence and are physically abused are at higher risk for emotional and psychological maladjustment than children who witness violence and are not abused (Rosewater & Goodmark, 2007; Edleson, 2004).
Comprehensive assessment regarding children's experiences and trauma symptoms, as well as the protective factors present, should inform decision-making regarding the types of services and interventions needed for individual children and families living with violence.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2014, 06:21:51 PM »
Many people believe that domestic violence is a private matter, to be dealt with behind closed doors.

But the truth is that domestic violence is a crime which affects the whole of society. We all have a role to play in ending it.

Yes, it is a crime. And in my country it is a public crime, meaning anyone can denounce a domestic violence case, take it to the police or court. I have called the police because of my mums neighbours constant domestic violence episodes.

They are an elderly couple who have two grown up sons with alcohol and drug addiction who tend to get violent.

The problem is that the police comes and they do not open the door or open and say nothing is going on. Since we are not on their flat all we can say is that we hear screams, the mum asking for help, etc.

No idea how to end domestic, or any other sort of violence. Violence is often a by product of alcohol, drug or other addiction. It can also be a hormonal or brain problem, the famous flight or fight that is rooted in the amygdala,, part of our old reptilian brain.

Then there is the large scale violence, war, terrorism, mass rape, that comes from anger, fear, powerless people wanting power.

Coursera has a course called Understanding Violence - https://www.coursera.org/course/violence
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2014, 02:20:56 AM »
Anjae you've done all you can do to help them.I'm sorry your mother has to listen to that. We cannot solve other people's problems. You have done all that can be done to restore peace.
In the bigger scheme of things it's pretty idealist to think we can have a significant effect againest a larger scale. The last post was found online and that's where a lot of all of this comes from fear and the need for control and power over another human being.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2014, 03:53:21 PM »
I know I did all I could do, In It. There is little to nothing more I can do. The sons have serious issues. So far not even hospital, rehab, social workers, police, have been able to solve the matter. I will not be. The only thing we can do is call the police because, at least, it calms things down a bit.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #13 on: September 28, 2014, 04:52:20 PM »
The most power you have is if you yourself becomes a target do whatever you need to do to protect you.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2014, 10:17:46 AM »
Ways to honor your journey as you heal

October is Domestic Violence month.

Be creative. Include music, write down your feelings, poetry, dance, moments of silence, and stories shared by women.

Purple is the color for  the Month’s activities. Wear purple ribbons to bring national  awareness to the issues faced by battered women and their children.

Start small if you wish, but plan now to do  something during October. Make Domestic Violence Awareness Month part of your evolving  "herstory".
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2014, 02:51:28 PM »
Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time
Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2014, 06:24:08 AM »
Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline

Being in an abusive situation can feel incredibly scary and isolating, and if children are involved – even indirectly witnessing the abusive – it can become a lot more complicated and dangerous. A parent’s instinct is to make sure their child is safe – but how can you do this best if your abusive partner is unpredictable, or manipulative?



Planning for Violence in the Home

If you are in an abusive relationship, a safety plan should include ways that your children can stay safe when violence is happening in your home. It’s key to remember that if the violence is escalating, you should avoid running to the children because your partner may hurt them as well

Teach your children when and how to call 911

Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where they can go

Come up with a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an emergency — make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means

In the house: Identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they can think about when they’re scared

Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are items that could be used as weapons

Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, that they should never intervene

Help them to make a list of people that they are comfortable talking and expressing themselves to
Enroll them in a counseling program (local service providers often have children’s programs)



Planning for Unsupervised Visits

If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your children’s safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are at their home can be beneficial.

Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.

If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid



Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home

Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station

Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange

Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other

Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feelings, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2014, 10:37:54 AM »

"I'll never forget that look in your eyes, forgot your name,but not your eyes."

You used to call me on the phone crying.

I would always rush over to see what was wrong.

You would invite me in to your torn up home and you would show me the red marks and teary eyes.
So we would sit and talk and you never took me up on my offer to spend the night with a relative or just leave with me right then.

You would tell me that it would be ok and tell me to leave so at that time I had no choice but to leave. The laws didn't permit me to just take you with me back then just for a few red marks or I would have.I promise ,I really would have.

Then you called me again and again and again. Again I would look into your red eyes and even held you a few times while you cried on my holders. Even did talk you into leaving once but you went back that same night , said you loved him and he loved you and you were going to work on it.

I didn't like him and often got in his face but you would attack me from behind for trying to defend and protect you. You would yell at me and call me names and make me leave again without you. I would see you as I drove away looking out the window at me with his shadow lurking in the background and I would know that I would be seeing you again.

But this last time it was him who called me and said to come over but there was no rush this time. When I got there I saw why.I knelt down and closed your eyes for you for the last time but you couldn't see me.

I'll never forget that look in your eyes.  ever.

I may have forgotten your name. Maybe you were # 3 or #5 ,there have been so many but I won't forget the way you looked at me the last time, when I zipped you up right before it got dark.

Written by someone in law enforcement
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #18 on: October 19, 2014, 05:01:25 PM »
Surviving after abuse: Looking after yourself and moving on
( This was from a UK based site)

When the violence is finally over - you have arranged all the practical things like housing, money, schools for the children, and you feel reasonably sure that your abuser has stopped harassing you - you may be expecting to feel great. But that is unlikely to happen straight away. Recovering from abuse by someone who was close to you is a long process, and the damage may stay with you and your children for years.
 
Once you are away from the abuse, and it is safe to feel again, you may have a sense of anti-climax. You are likely to experience grief, pain and a deep sense of loss: your trust will have been betrayed, your self-esteem and confidence are shattered. In many ways it is like being bereaved - and as with a bereavement, healing will take time.
 
Looking after yourself
 
Treat yourself gently: don't rush the healing process, and don't expect to achieve everything you want straight away. Maybe you want to make huge changes - by changing your whole lifestyle, joining local organisations, returning to education, looking for a (different) job. This is all fine if that is how you are feeling, but if you don't want to change anything else at this point, that is fine too. It's good to have hopes and ambitions for the future, but try to set realistic goals and move at your own pace, rather than being concerned about what others might be thinking.
 
You may feel lonely and isolated: sometimes when you come home to an empty house or flat, it might seem that even an abusive partner was better than no one. Perhaps your partner cut you off from friends and family, so now you feel there is no one you can talk to or go out with. It may not be too late to re-establish contact with past friends - and in any case, you can think about making new friends and acquaintances.
 
Some of the things you might like to do:
Take time and space for yourself each day.
Reward yourself.
Do something you enjoy and are good at.
Take regular exercise (for example, try swimming, dancing, walking or climbing).
Learn a new skill (for example, yoga, meditation, self-defence).
Be creative: try drawing, painting, writing.
Practice relaxation exercises (for example, breathing exercises, tai chi, self-hypnosis or massage).
It's also important to eat well and to get enough sleep, if you can.
 
Gaining confidence
 
Living with someone who is always putting you down, criticising you, controlling you and being abusive or violent towards you will have sapped your self-confidence and your belief in yourself. You may find it hard (or impossible) to make decisions, even about small things - because your abuser did not allow you to make choices for yourself. You may find managing money very difficult: maybe your ex-partner controlled all the household finances; you are probably having to manage on a very limited income; and perhaps you had to leave behind many of your personal possessions.
 
You have already taken a huge step in leaving your abuser. Give yourself credit for that. Then think of all the other things you have achieved in your life, and build up a mental list that you can return to when you are feeling low.
 
You may find it helpful to talk about your experiences with other women who have also been in violent relationships. If you are not already in touch with your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or outreach service, you may find it helpful to contact them now, to see whether there is a support group you could join (or perhaps help to set one up). Contact the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge, for your local contact numbers.
 
Products focusing on building self-confidence (such as self-help books, CDs and courses) are widely available. Some of these may be effective, at least in the short term, but none appear to have been fully evaluated (Emler, 2005). You may also find the following websites helpful:
www.thesite.org: Although this site is primarily addressed to young people, the sections on self-esteem, self-harm, body image, and health generally are applicable to all age groups.
www.ivillage.co.uk: A site that is described as 'the website for women',it contains a number of pieces on building self-confidence, both in personal life and at work.
There are many other websites which contain some free information but are primarily designed to encourage you to sign up to a course (which you have to pay for). For more resources, see view useful links.
 
Moving on
 
While you were with your abuser, you may not have been free to decide for yourself what kind of work you did, whether you took on paid employment or not, what leisure activities you engaged in, whether to study for more qualifications or to join an evening class just for pleasure. Now you have only yourself and your children to consider - but you may find it frightening suddenly to be responsible for making your own choices.
 
You might have had to give up your job because you had to go into a refuge, or move away to a different area to get away from your abuser. If you are claiming benefits, it may not be financially worthwhile to look for paid work at the moment - particularly if you have childcare to consider. Maybe you would like to re-train for a different kind of work, or go back into education, or do some voluntary work for a while. Or perhaps you don't feel ready to take any of these steps just yet.
 
You might find it helpful to look at some of the information and support available for single parents. For example, the websitewww.singleparents.org.uk brings together information, advice and first-hand experiences to help you manage and enjoy life as a single parent. Information on welfare benefits, childcare, the pros and cons of paid work versus voluntary work, full-time parenting or going back into education, are all covered. The organisation One Parent Families runs a Lone Parent Helpline on 0800 018 5026 and their website provides a useful 'helpdesk' with basic information on benefits, childcare and other issues. See www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk. They also produce a 'Lone Parents' Guide to Caring for a Child with Additional Needs' which is free to single parents.
 
Helping your children
 
Your children, too, will probably take some time to adjust to the new situation. They will almost certainly have been affected by the abuse they witnessed or experienced directly (see the section on Children and domestic violence for more information on this). If you have moved to a different area, they will probably have to attend a new school and make new friends. They may be finding it really difficult to cope with all the changes in their lives - such as leaving their home and friends, and perhaps some of their possessions - and they will look to you to give them the answers they need.
 
You may find coping with your children's needs very difficult at a time when you are trying to deal with your own problems. On the other hand, you may find it a helpful distraction, or even see it as a reason for carrying on. Be as honest with your children as possible; let them know how you are feeling and tell them that you love them. Try to establish a 'normal' routine as soon as you can, and show them that you can be relied upon even though their father or step-father has let them down. Listen to your children's concerns, and help them to find other sources of support (for example, from grandparents or other relatives, from teachers or youth workers, or from workers and volunteers at a Women's Aid or other domestic violence outreach service).
 
Although your children will undoubtedly be relieved that the abuse has stopped, they may still miss their father or step-father, and may blame you for taking them away from him. If they want to see him, that is fine if you feel it is safe for them to do so; but do look at the chapter on Making arrangements for children after separation if you are afraid that any contact will put you and your children in further danger.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.


Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #20 on: January 01, 2018, 07:35:40 PM »
Thank you OP.. :)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #21 on: January 01, 2018, 08:14:28 PM »
In It (or anyone else reading), can you help compile a list of LBS that have/had a physically abusive MLCer?

So far, I have:

In It
Lawprofessor
Anjae
Savoir Faire
Passiflora
iwantoffthisride

I know there are/were more.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #22 on: January 01, 2018, 09:26:59 PM »
What is this??? Some kind of name and shame?

The statistics I have seen are maybe 30-40% of relationships are affected by domestic violence, if not more. That's irregardless of MLC. I don't think this is a particular MLC issue and I don't know why it is necessary to draw attention specifically to those who have chosen to share what has happened to them here I daresay far more members of this forum have chosen not to share their domestic violence experiences than have. So I don't see how it is going to help by making those who choose to do so exhibit A.
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #23 on: January 01, 2018, 10:03:33 PM »
Also a thank you from me to you OP for bumping this topic.

This topic is such an important one for all, is it possible to make a "topic/discussion" under those grey ones at the top of the site, so that we can collect all important info under one topic that is visual when you come on to the forum (for some this is a question of "life and death"). Just as all our "MLC" stories are important so are stories, books, info about DV/Abuse etc. for those of us who experienced this to know that you are NOT alone and all the shame we as LBS carries around this topic.

Init has posted a lot of really important info. Thanx Init

For me Lundy Bancrofts books has been a blessing, both informative but also for my own journey his second book "Daily wisdom why does he do that" this one is like a bible for me and I think for all of us women who are use to put everyones else's needs before us so we don't know what is "healthy" to put our needs/safety etc first (and our kids).

Lundy B books and other good ones you can find at amazon (for you in the US you can by them cheaper if you by them used). I also recommend sites organizations like "The Duluth model".

I know we all struggles with, is this narcissism, MLC, Depression, Addictions, infidelity, shame, domestic violence or whats wrong with my husband or is it all of these. Right now I'm educating myself around sexaddiction/pornaddiction this correlate with what a lot of us have experienced.

Gone, I totally agree with Anjae on this one. I know for sure she did not meant for this "list" to be some kind of name/shame. This is meant to help each and every one that is experience domestic violence and abuse. I will defend this topic being a really important one for all of us LBS's, male or female. I'm really sorry that you can't see how this can help others. Abuse thrives in the dark and I have made a promise to myself, if my story and the wisdom/knowledge I've gain can help only one person, my "struggles/trauma" my kids "struggles/trauma" did bring something good.

Hugs

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #24 on: January 01, 2018, 11:52:34 PM »
In It, who was nearly killed by her husband, started this thread in 2014. It was in the archives, from where it was taken out by a HS moderator. We now have new people who are dealing with a physically abusive MLCer and, like Passiflora said, it is a very imporant matter.

This thread is not about domestic violence outside of MLC context.

Name shame? You have totally misunderstood me. On the contrary, it is for us to know those who need a special type of support.

Having a MLCer that has turned physically abusive/violent is different from not having one. Those of us with have/have had a physically violent MLCer need a different type of support and it is important to know who we are.

This thread is not aimed at those who do not have/had to deal with a physically abusive MLCer.

The subject is neither elegant nor tasteful, but there is nothing elegant of tasteful when it comes to domestic violence. Pretend some of us have not been on the receiving end of it when our spouse turned MLC monster is to bury the head in the sand.

Maybe, if In It is ok with it, the title may be changed by a mod so that MLC is part of it. Maybe just add - physical violence in MLC or something similar.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #25 on: January 01, 2018, 11:57:11 PM »
Found online:

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation
– In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.

Threats – Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable...they may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you.

If I look at the behaviour of my H - no, he was neither emotionally or physically abusive. My MLC STBXH? His behaviour in the last 2 years would hit 4 of these types of abuse...and psycho ow added 1 which he did nothing to protect me from (until the recent Watchgate perhaps). I'm not unusual in that.

I do think this is an important issue, and a really uncomfortable one for a lot of LBS. The truth is that some do experience physical violence and threats. The truth is that most of us experience some kind of emotional abuse from our MLC spouses, abuse that we did not experience pre-MLC and that is not appropriate in a healthy adult relationship. It pushes the LBS to look honestly at their spouse, and struggle with establishing new boundaries and seeing where their lines in the sand are, MLC or not. Abuse does thrive in the dark and I agree that this - of all places - should be a space where we can talk honestly and kindly about really difficult things.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #26 on: January 02, 2018, 01:26:34 AM »

The subject is neither elegant nor tasteful, but there is nothing elegant of tasteful when it comes to domestic violence. Pretend some of us have not been on the receiving end of it when our spouse turned MLC monster is to bury the head in the sand.


Quite on the contrary, I am not pretending it doesn't happen, in fact, what I am saying is the opposite. That probably far more members on here have suffered from it either before or after MLC started than are willing to admit. And there probably are a fair number of LBSs that themselves who have physically abused their MLCer. And there are probably some MLCers who are cured of their abusive ways by going through the MLC.

I just don't think people should be singled out and held up as examples. Domestic abuse is a fault of the abuser and the abuser alone. It doesn't happen because the victim is doing anything wrong or has low self-esteem or anything. An abuser is an abuser because that's how they are. That's just my opinion.

And do not make general statements about domestic violence and the law. Different countries and cultures have different attitudes and laws. In some places, the law is not going to help at all and the victim needs other strategies to deal with it.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2018, 01:29:41 AM by GonerinGhana »
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #27 on: January 02, 2018, 01:44:25 AM »
Thanks in it, OP and Anjae for starting and bumping this very important thread.


The statistics I have seen are maybe 30-40% of relationships are affected by domestic violence, if not more. That's irregardless of MLC. I don't think this is a particular MLC issue

GG you probably mean it well but I don`t agree atall. Having been put through it by my P, I can testify that physical and emotional abuse can definitely (MLC/substance addiction in my P`s case) play a very large role in MLC behaviour. I would have given my left hand prior to P`S MLC that he would never even dream of laying one finger on me, let alone threaten to kill me.

« Last Edit: January 02, 2018, 01:58:12 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Online Treasur

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #28 on: January 02, 2018, 01:57:04 AM »
Maybe it's as simple as checking that those named are happy to be so as a source of support for others?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #29 on: January 02, 2018, 04:30:38 AM »
Exactly Treasur
The reason why Goner in Ghana it helps to know who else may have gone through this or is currently dealing it is so that person does not feel so alone.
There is no shame in it the shame and blame belongs solely to the abuser.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #30 on: January 02, 2018, 11:50:58 AM »
MLC violence is very dangerous and terrifying because there's absolutely no history of abuse. If you've lived with someone who adored you for decades you are completely unprepared for that person to suddenly and viciously turn on you. LBS (men and women) have been pushed, punched, kicked, bitten, choked and worse. The sudden "rage attack" that comes out of nowhere can leave the LBS paralyzed and in shock when what she has to do is try to MOVE - into a room and lock the door or out of the house. LBS must call the police to report the battery and ask the officers to take MLCer to the psychiatric wing of a hospital for testing or if the police refuse, ask MLCer's attorney to request mental status testing.

If you are given any type of warning that the MLCer is about to blowup, try to disengage. Do not argue. Walk away.

I think many of us are the walking wounded even if they don't clock us. We are subjected to emotional abuse, financial abuse, gas lighting, character assassination, shock and trauma from BD then antagonistic, expensive, stressful divorces and child custody battles. Many LBS have disordered and vengeful ow's thrust into their once serene and predictable lives severely affecting their children's well-being.

I have said so many times: Society, criminal and family courts must start protecting us. We need help.

My husband did not physically assault me but he scared me when he blew up at me for no reason shortly before BD. Thankfully, we were out in public. But I never did find out who threw 2 large cinder blocks into the rear window of my little Miata. The police asked me if I had enemies because that is considered a personal crime. I said of course not, but then I recalled telling my husband the week before that there was no way he was going to take my car so he could give his car - a new Mustang convertible - to a "friend."

Offline kikki

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #31 on: January 02, 2018, 01:28:53 PM »
Couldn't agree more bvFTD.  I didn't suffer physical abuse, but given the extreme behaviour changes, I wondered whether I would.  I slept with furniture against the door at night, for months, just in case.

Quote
Society, criminal and family courts must start protecting us. We need help.
I am not sure about the courts where you live, but in NZ where I live, despite being the first country in the world to give women the vote, I have been horrified at the attitudes of our legal and court systems.  They need to be hauled out of the dark ages.  Not sure how many centuries that may take given the cesspit of cronyism that engulfs the whole system.

Offline Velika

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2018, 02:48:30 PM »
bv I am glad you posted this and I also agree.

My FH was not physically abusive, but once he slammed the door in my face (almost catching my finger), and another time he physically moved me with both hands. He also shut a door in my face and threatened to call the police on me more than once.

Kikki and bv are both correct. Emotional abuse IS ABUSE. Being forced to coparent with someone who fits a diagnosis for a mental illness is traumatic and scary.

My former husband began buying guns after taking an interest in hunting about five months into MLC. He also obsessively got interested in boxing (one of the first changes) and watching videos of how to clean the animals he planned to hunt and kill. This means he also has knives and other equipment. I find it very frightening that someone taking psychiatric drugs off-label with no oversight of a psychiatrist and a radical change in personality and behavior has this level of access to deadly weapons.

I want to encourage anyone who is recently bomb dropped whose spouse has left the home to change the locks and all the passwords on your accounts, in addition to safeguarding your finances. Consider installing a security camera on your home, and make sure you have all the keys to your car. Do not let your former spouse in the home if he has been abusive, even emotionally abusive. Make sure sure your spouse cannot track or record you.

If you are too traumatized to do this — and you likely are — have a trusted friend or family member who can pledge total discretion to help you with this.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #33 on: January 02, 2018, 03:57:09 PM »
Non MLC domestic violence is not the issue here. There is domestic violence outside of MLC. But in those cases, the violence is not a surprise nor an odd behaviour, it is already there before BD/MLC.

Exactly, Tresur.

The reason why Goner in Ghana it helps to know who else may have gone through this or is currently dealing it is so that person does not feel so alone.
There is no shame in it the shame and blame belongs solely to the abuser.

This.

MLC violence is very dangerous and terrifying because there's absolutely no history of abuse. If you've lived with someone who adored you for decades you are completely unprepared for that person to suddenly and viciously turn on you. LBS (men and women) have been pushed, punched, kicked, bitten, choked and worse.

Indeed. It is a sudden shock and it is very dangerous and terrifying. The lack of previous abuse history makes it different from pre MLC domestic violence. I am in no way downplaying the horror or non MLC domestic violence, but HS is geared at MCL & LBS.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #34 on: January 02, 2018, 06:51:35 PM »
Well, if your spouse starts abusing substances after the start of MLC, then perhaps the violence is due to the effects of that, not the MLC itself. Likewise, I would first look for some other mental illness to explain violence in someone who wasn't previously violent. I mean even people suffering from NORMAL dementia of old age can get violent. Some of these MLCer violence stories sound like someone who has turned psychotic, for whatever reason.
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #35 on: January 02, 2018, 07:10:55 PM »
Some of these MLCer violence stories sound like someone who has turned psychotic, for whatever reason.

They do. And some have, at least in the moment. But since that only happened when they were already in MLC, it come with the MLC.

Abusing substances can also lead to violence. But, again, if the substance abuse only come after/with MLC, and the violence come from it, it is as a consequence of MLC. The susbtance abuse come with MLC (for those who didn't abuse before).

I don't understand your problem. Nor why are you trying to downplay what we have endured. Nor why a person in MLCer becoming violent has to be something else other than MCL connected.

Substance abuse, lack of sleep, psychotic episodes are all common things in MLC. When the person is out of crisis, usually those things are gone.

You weren't physically abused by your MLCer, were you? Why are you posting here and upsetting those of us who have been? It is insensitive  a and unkind of you.



Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline terrified_in_TN

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #36 on: January 03, 2018, 09:23:59 AM »
..... I am in no way downplaying the horror or non MLC domestic violence, but HS is geared at MCL & LBS.

Anjae:

  Real Quick on this:  I think this is a very important topic, both MLC abuse AND pre MLC abuse!  I for one have been abused right from the start of my 20+ year relationship but did NOT even know it!  How you might wonder...I always thought abuse was PHYSICAL.  Hell, I never even heard of other types of abuse.  I had no knowledge of NPD, or other personality disorders.  I always just operated by the premise of "Happy Wife, Happy Life" so my ex pretty much ruled the roost.  I am not talking about a healthy "normal" situation where she was in charge of the household, I am talking about allowing her complete control over almost all aspects of my life.  Her jealousy issues were off the charts.  Way past normal "healthy" jealousy.  We are talking pathological.  But, I accepted all of it as normal.  The "control".  The "isolation" from friends.  The "Always have to have it THEIR way".  And something I had even seen with my own eyes, but NEVER thought I'd be on the receiving end of "Having to win at ANY cost."

  When I was BD'd I showed up here like most any other new poster "we had such a great marriage, I don't understand what went wrong?".  It wasn't until I was FAR removed from the situation by TIME, and educating myself on HS and other websites that my eyes opened up and I was able to truly see my 20+ year relationship for what it ACTUALLY was, not what I had imagined it to be.

  Bottom line, I CAN'T be alone.  There have got to be more LBSes that have suffered relationship long abuse (not just MLC induced abuse) and don't even realize it yet.

  Now I will say this:  In my relationship, NEVER have either of us endured any PHYSICAL abuse.  There was NONE of that.  But physical abuse isn't the only kind to leave scars.  Some are just more visible than others.

-T

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #37 on: January 03, 2018, 09:33:49 AM »
I agree Terrified.

I, and my children, have many scars on the inside from my first H.
The emotional abuse was soul crushing.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #38 on: January 03, 2018, 10:46:59 AM »
Almost six years on this forum, and no one on the list of physically abused LBSs that I've ever seen told their story amidst shame. On the contrary, they were alerting and supporting other LBSs. It helps to know such intelligent, brave LBSs survived the experience for those who come here afraid and feeling alone.  It could (or can) happen to any of us.

I agree that it's the shift that makes it so different. It was so sudden. Mine was never a gun nut - until BD. Took me to gun shops to show me what he would buy, bragged about becoming proficient when he was off on trips with OW and their friends, spent money he was supposed to give to me for bills on automatic weapons. Got a conceal carry license. Absolutely aimed to scare me, just as he and OW aim to do when they leave dead animals and weirdo things on my doorstep.

I am glad he never put his hands on my body, but I think that would have been inevitable had he stayed. I think to some extent he had physical rage from age 18 forward when his father tried to choke him to death, before we started dating. His psychiatrist brought to the forefront that no one called the police or prosecuted his father for that and it was wrong (just treating it like it was an incident xH should 'get over' - something I'd always said to him, but he didn't take seriously). I think he's been "becoming" his abusive NPD father ever since. Time bomb.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2018, 12:36:16 PM »
Terrified and Thunder, I am certain there are LBS here who have been in years, or decades long, abusive relationships.

As a general rule, a physical abuser is a verbal/emotional abuser. A verbar/emotional abuser is not always a physical abuser. Verbal/emotional abuse leaves scars, physical abuse can leave you dead.

I agree that it's the shift that makes it so different.

It is. It is different from a relationship where abuse was already present pre BD/MLC.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2018, 12:50:29 PM »
Oh Anjae, I agree. 

Physical abuse is very dangerous. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #41 on: January 03, 2018, 01:37:08 PM »
Almost six years on this forum, and no one on the list of physically abused LBSs that I've ever seen told their story amidst shame.

Hi Ready2 and the rest of HS,
First I must say that english is not my native language but I want to reply to this if I understand what you mean correctly. I don't remember my first posts (3,5 years ago now) but even if I did post all of the horrific abuse (might have forgotten a lot of the situations also) and even if I written lots and lots of replies to try to help other people. It took a long time for me to get over my shame over my situation. It's "easy" on a forum when you go by your "HS-name" but it's a totally other situation when I'm just me. Today, I can speak open about the abuse to alot of close people but there is still a lot of shame in me. I know men suffers more then women about being abused. As an exampel also, I'm a high school teacher and law is one of the subjects I teach. These last 4 years, I go into the subject of abuse alot to my students cause it's an important topic, still I can't manage to tell them I was abused myself, cause of my own shame.

I'm still seing a psychologist due to my PTSD or Complex PTSD and we have been talking about the shame part a lot. I was/am exstremely ashame of my "freeze respons" when the psychological abuse was at worst. Like, why did I become a zombie? A normal person would have gone to the police and report it. I even recognized it as abuse, even told xh "you are abusing me!" and I did not fight back, not once. I have been ashamed over, "why wasn't I even woman enough to strike back at least one slap when xh was in heavly monster mood?" I didn't even tell the schoolnurse when I went to her office for help with my stress eczema (my whole body was covered with this and I scratched so much in my sleep I was bleeding) I was to ashamed to tell her what was going on in my home.

With a lot of help from my IC and a whole lot of help from here and self studies, I'm now getting over the shame part. I know my freeze response and my zombie state is a total normal responce in these situtations (also that it steams from how I reacted when I was a child) and it was probably the best thing I ever could have done to NOT slap him, since he was totally out of control and with no impuse control what so ever that no one knows what he would have done to me. This I know now, didn't understand it at first or was not capable to get it into my head in my first years of recovery.

Why this shame, for me there is one easy answer. I thought people would think less of me as a person or as a woman for not fighting back for not going to the police etc. I had my mind filled with; "that is what you should do and I did not!". In my other post I brought up this topic of sexual/porn addiction or addiction in general. I'm not a psychologist (only a high school teacher in economics and law, hahaha) but from everything I've read there is a huge correlation between shame and addictive behaviour. Shame is "I am a bad person" guilt is "I've done something bad". When someone knows bc what they are doing is wrong to their own morals/values and if someone has really strong moral values like on the topic of infidelity yet doing it, when the sh*t hit the fan the persons shame is so high and the person acts out in different ways and with addicts it's not uncommon with both manipulative behaviour and abusive behaviour. The sad part is that this fuels the addiction, which fuels more abuse in a negative spiral.

OK long post about shame from me.

Hugs
 

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #42 on: January 03, 2018, 01:51:37 PM »
I think what Ready2 meant was that, those of us who have been physically abused didn't had a problem saying so/talking about it, on HS.

Do I go around in real life talking about it? No, I don't. It happened over 11 years ago and real life talks are not specific talks like in HS.

However, I have told about it to those that matter in real life, including my lawyer and my friend who his a psychiatrist.

Shame is "I am a bad person" guilt is "I've done something bad". When someone knows bc what they are doing is wrong to their own morals/values and if someone has really strong moral values like on the topic of infidelity yet doing it, when the sh*t hit the fan the persons shame is so high and the person acts out in different ways and with addicts it's not uncommon with both manipulative behaviour and abusive behaviour. The sad part is that this fuels the addiction, which fuels more abuse in a negative spiral.

Yes.

MLCers have both, shame and guilt. Many of them gained addictions in MLC (because of MLC?). Some already had addictions prior to MLC.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Velika

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #43 on: January 03, 2018, 03:38:26 PM »
I think Passiflora makes a really good point about the shame a victim can experience in the wake of a trauma, and how this can make recovery more complex.

Like Passiflora, I completely froze. I couldn’t see that I was being emotionally abused because I was shocked into a very susceptible state where I could not reconcile my FH behavior with what I had believed to be true about who he was. On some level I also saw he wasn’t well and was there left with the complex task of trying to understand and help a person who wanted to hurt me, along with another abusive person, the OW, who I believe also contributed to the emotional abuse, all while still believing I was in part responsible for his behavior. (Something I can see is ridiculous now and also something I think HS should not imply or encourage. Traumatized  victim should not be encouraged to focus on self improvement or validate abuse, even if our spouses are unwell. Focus should be on total safety of the LBS.)

I have to credit Passiflora who was a person who wrote directly, “You are being abused.” I could not even see this clearly because I was still beleiving my FH accusations to me. I truly believed he was reacting to my own failings, that is how overwhelmed and confused I was.

I agree many LBS have been gaslit for some time. However I also think that there is some type of tipping point for some that turns whatever this is into an acute condition.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #44 on: January 03, 2018, 05:13:13 PM »
Yep if someone had said that in 2010 "You are being abused" maybe I would have paid more attention. I was being stalked and harassed (by phone, email, in person at work) all in believing this was an MLC and I had to go through that to have my family back.

He'd already divorced me by the time I started posting so what was the problem? He'd gotten what he wanted why not leave me alone?
Why didn't he? I had no boundaries.

My fault was never mentioning the domestic violence and the intimidation and threats back then on this forum.

Frankly I was very concerned about my kids.His behavior was off the charts and would not let anyone regain any balance or sense of peace.He had to keep everyone upset and keep the focus on him.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #45 on: January 03, 2018, 06:57:58 PM »
In It:

Nothing was ever your fault. You felt you weren't ready to mention domestic violence back then. You were more concerned about your children and trying to keep your sanity in all the chaos.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #46 on: January 03, 2018, 07:09:27 PM »
Agree with bvFTD, nothing was your fault, In It. We aren't always ready to share everything, and violence towards us by a spouse is never easy to speak of.

Mr J was violent back in early November 2016, and again in April 2017. HS didn't exist by then. There is a reason why I left and come back home, leaving most of my stuff behind. My life is more impostant than stuff.

When I come to HS, he had long left, and I have been back home for years. Did he keep being abusive? He did. With his court cases, for example. But those were dealt by my lawyer. And he can't touch me here.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #47 on: January 03, 2018, 07:48:28 PM »
Anjae:

I want to thank you for bringing up this topic. I agree with you that someone who starts suddenly abusing their spouse in midlife is in a different category.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #48 on: January 04, 2018, 02:30:19 PM »
You're welcome, bvFTD. But is In It that deserves credit. She was the one that started this thread. 


Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #49 on: January 04, 2018, 07:06:13 PM »
Thank you, In It. I so appreciate you all.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #50 on: January 05, 2018, 12:13:46 PM »
You are welcome bvFTD

IMHO I could care less if they were violent before in the relationship or "changed" during MLC into violent abusive people. MLC is NOT an excuse to treat other people badly.
 
Abuse is abuse plain and simple. They should  NOT get a pass because "Oh poooooor him he was having an MLC." Boo effing Who.

 It should NOT be dismissed or downplayed due to an MLC.

Drunk, sober, whatever..not one damn excuse good enough for it in my book.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #51 on: January 05, 2018, 12:45:59 PM »
Hear Hear, Init!

Hugs

Offline iwantoffthisrids

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #52 on: January 05, 2018, 12:56:12 PM »
I think Passiflora makes a really good point about the shame a victim can experience in the wake of a trauma, and how this can make recovery more complex.

Like Passiflora, I completely froze. I couldn’t see that I was being emotionally abused because I was shocked into a very susceptible state where I could not reconcile my FH behavior with what I had believed to be true about who he was. On some level I also saw he wasn’t well and was there left with the complex task of trying to understand and help a person who wanted to hurt me, along with another abusive person, the OW, who I believe also contributed to the emotional abuse, all while still believing I was in part responsible for his behavior. (Something I can see is ridiculous now and also something I think HS should not imply or encourage. Traumatized  victim should not be encouraged to focus on self improvement or validate abuse, even if our spouses are unwell. Focus should be on total safety of the LBS.)

I have to credit Passiflora who was a person who wrote directly, “You are being abused.” I could not even see this clearly because I was still beleiving my FH accusations to me. I truly believed he was reacting to my own failings, that is how overwhelmed and confused I was.

I agree many LBS have been gaslit for some time. However I also think that there is some type of tipping point for some that turns whatever this is into an acute condition.

Passiflora- I think H has been gaslighting me. And I have believed exactly what you said that he was reaching to my own failings. Every time.he blamed me I would.believe it then someone in my support system would have to bring me back to reality. I *think* this is MLC with a very high shame level  esp fear of others knowing what he has done. It just compounds and spirals down.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #53 on: January 05, 2018, 01:26:53 PM »
Oh I'm so sorry, Iwant, that you was/is on the receiving end for gas lighting. This erode your sanity and "makes you" crazy even if you are not crazy. Don't laugh but I was convinced at the time when I kicked out my xh that I was the crazy one. When I got back to work my boss sent me to a psychiatrist who explained to me that I was sane. I was having a normal respond to an abnormal situation. The first thing I did after that first meeting was to call my oldest son. His response; But Mum did you really think you are the crazy one! I can laugh about it now, 3,5 years after but in that moment I wanted that psychiatrist to put it on paper so that I could put it on my fridge to look at. I'm not crazy I'm not crazy!  ;D

The gas lighting is severe since the victim is often isolated from outside input (aka reality or normal) so the victim is starting to believe the abusers reality, or the abuser wants the victim to only have the abusers reality. It is crucial to not isolate yourself, have someone who can be your "normal or reality". Heck I didn't know if up was down or the shy was pink but even if I was made totally crazy there was some grain of sanity in my head. Things he said didn't happen (that I know happened). I went to the place in our house where it did happen and I could feel it happened I know it happened right there. (like you do when you forgot what you was suppose to get or do but forgot what it was, you go back to where you thought about it in the first place  :)

Without knowing it then, but I know now, in hindsight, I did "use" a lot of people in the beginning to kind of validate what is normal and what is not normal behavior. Best thing for me and my recovery. I think for me it's very important for you to look inside yourself, what are your core values, morals, ethics etc. the faster you can ground yourself the better. I hope you understand what I mean.  :)

Hugs

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #54 on: January 05, 2018, 02:02:22 PM »
I'll tell you what the woman at the Domestic Violence office said to me when I documented the incident with her.

When I was done I told her "He said I was crazy".
With a wave of her hand she said "They ALL say that"

Nothing crazy about us we were being ABUSED there is a difference..We may appear crazy but it is normal when and after being abused to feel all kinds of things. Act in ways that would be out of character.

Yes they believe their own lies, all they do is lie. And YES it's ALL control whether based in fear or manipulation.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #55 on: January 06, 2018, 04:33:49 PM »
I understand, In It, but sudden violence in midlife is actually a symptom of a terminal brain disease called FTD which my husband has. A neurologist will rule out tumor and small strokes which can also cause behavioral change. My husband's neurologist knew right away what my husband had but performed all the tests. He was so compassionate and gentle when he told us there was no cure. My husband did not get it at all.

If he forgot how to find his way home or didn't remember our children's names, everyone would quickly deduce that he has young-onset Alzheimers, but because my soulmate, best friend and husband exhibited a distressing and shocking personality change, he is just an @$$hole or has always been like this, but in 30 years I was too dense to know?

What I want to convey to you is to step back. Stop mulling over your relationship and get him to a doctor. Your reports of his new and upsetting behaviors will greatly help. Do not take what he has done personally. If he had a heart attack would we hesitate to seek help?

If he is not terminally ill then he may have a psychiatric disorder and he unraveled in midlife, or he or she were never nice people to begin with. Don't you want to know?

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #56 on: January 06, 2018, 04:55:22 PM »
Are you asking if if I want to know?
In a few words hell no!
He and I are divorced.
Hes not my problem anymore.. my compassion ran out.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #57 on: January 06, 2018, 05:29:51 PM »
We must protect ourselves. Love and Strength to all of us.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #58 on: January 06, 2018, 06:36:04 PM »
Dear I Want Off:

I am so very deeply sorry and sickened to hear what you endured, but it is so very fortunate, as you said, your assault was witnessed. Yes, you may be called on to testify, which will undoubtedly be extremely difficult, but then you will finally get your husband the help he needs.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #59 on: January 07, 2018, 08:54:14 AM »
Hi all,
It would be informative, I think, if some who have reconnect with their MLC spouse, if they have brought up this topic. Are they capable to take responsible for their abusive behavior (monster, lying, deceit, the trauma their behavior created). Has anyone been 100% remorseful about this?

Hugs

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #60 on: January 07, 2018, 09:27:07 AM »
After I went back post divorce (before the last DV incident) there was a brief spot where maaaybe he expressed some regret?
He started talking out of the blue one day about how once years ago there was a minor he put his hands on and got ticketed and he also said "And I hit you too" I saw no remorse there. It was more like a confession or acknowledgement.He didnt apologize or anything.
However he didnt mention choking his supervisor at work and losing his job.
This was near the end of the year and eight months I was there

I dont think abusers are ever really sorry..just sorry when they get caught.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #61 on: January 07, 2018, 09:49:59 AM »
I dont think abusers are ever really sorry..just sorry when they get caught.

Init, I have read this in so many places. It's just hard to understand it.

Hugs

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #62 on: January 08, 2018, 04:06:57 PM »
I dont think abusers are ever really sorry..just sorry when they get caught.

Depends. We have not reconnected.  Mr J is really sorry. Maybe because for him it was so out of character. So far, the abuse is probably the one MLC thing Mr J is truly sorry of.
 
A man who has abused his wife/partner while he was/is in MLC, is different from someone who has always abused his wife/partner.

They took photos of injuries. Is he crazy???

Right now, yes. He is having a MLC. Logic does not enter his head.

I am told H says he is willing to get help, do what I want. Well......that would have to start with telling the truth.

Yes, it would start with him telling the truth. Since he is not doing it, whatever he says cannot be trusted. Actions, not words is what matter. Still, if your husband truly desires to get help, he can do it afterwards.

What am.i to do??

Tell the truth.

My ultimate goal is the family together and healthy. So I don't want to endanger that.

And how do you plan not to endanger that with an abusive husband? Do you really want to cover up for him, not going to testify? You can chose not to do it, but how is that going to be of help to you, your marriage/family, kids and husband?

Yes, it is horrible. But what your husband did was also horrible. It was him that put himself and you in that situation, not you.

You have your lawyer and victim advocate, let them do their job. They have handled cases like this many times before. They know what to do.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #63 on: January 08, 2018, 04:23:28 PM »
Tell the truth. If his story keeps changing he's lying.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #64 on: January 08, 2018, 06:55:03 PM »
I Want Off: As Anjae and In It say, Tell the Truth.

But I don't want you to freak out when your husband denies what he did to you. I think he really and truly believes he did not hurt you. He is very sick. If you are called on to testify, I know it will be so hard for you, but you are strong and tough and you can do it. You will be protecting yourself and getting the help your husband so desperately needs. Don't worry about his future employment. It's way beyond that now.



Offline bvFTD

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #65 on: January 08, 2018, 07:13:16 PM »
Your husband promises he will get help, but if he is not forced to, he won't. In court, if you can, demand that he be seen by a neurologist at a university hospital who specializes in young-onset dementia. The neurologist will rule out psychiatric disorders, vitamin deficiencies, masses, small strokes, and frontotemporal dementia. How strange is it to say, but the ball is in your court!

You will be fine, I Want Off.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #66 on: January 09, 2018, 04:14:32 AM »
That's one of the reasons I didn't call the cops it would effect his ability to get a job. Please don't worry about that.
Stay strong

There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #67 on: January 09, 2018, 04:45:56 AM »
Iwant,

I so agree with the others.  There are consequences for actions.  You just tell the truth.  You did nothing wrong.

I would think if his lawyer is smart, beings there is evidence and witnesses, he would tell him to plead guilty but promise to get court ordered therapy, in lieu of it being on his permanent record.  I mean it is a first offense, sometimes their easier on them.  That way the judge may not put it on his permanent record and agree to the terms.

It would show he is taking responsibility for his actions and is willing to get help.
It could be a win win situation for him AND your future together.

If he lies and pleads innocent then all the evidence will put him away.  I would think his lawyer isn't stupid enough to take that chance.

Iwant, I think if your H gets the help he needs he will understand why you told the truth.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #68 on: January 09, 2018, 06:42:12 AM »
Oh yes, that may work. 

Let us know what the attorney says.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #69 on: January 09, 2018, 07:12:40 AM »
Well what ever you do Iwant, don't worry about him, just get information and run everything by your DA people.  They've been through this all before.  They can steer you in the right direction.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Passiflora

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #70 on: January 09, 2018, 09:49:18 AM »
Hi Iwant,
I just wanted to tell you I'm also by your side (even if it's "just" in cyber space). Discuss/Cry or what ever you want, "we" will be listening to you. I think you got great advice from Thunder, Init, Anjae…..only tell the truth. "someone" said through pain comes changes, maybe this is exactly what your H "needs", the pain from what de did might be the "thing" that makes him sober up and/or wants him to make changes in his life.

I saw on another thread that you are in Florida, Don't I wish I was in Florida right now! We have a couple degrees minus Celsius and windy and all you want to do is pull a thick blanket around you with a good book, it's so cold!

Hugs

Online Treasur

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #71 on: January 09, 2018, 10:50:17 AM »
iwant, I can see how far your thinking and emotions have progressed - awesome, really you're being quite extraordinary and trying to balance a lot in a truly difficult situation.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #72 on: January 10, 2018, 02:35:52 PM »
Found online:

John G. Taylor, MA John G. Taylor, MA
The Reality Corner
Behind the Veil: Inside the Mind of Men "That Abuse"
Domestic violence and unmasking the terror of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Domestic Violence is the leading cause of injury to women sending over 1 million every year to doctor’s offices or emergency rooms. This violence isn’t occurring from the hands of a stranger but from the hands of the man that has said I love you. In view of the recent domestic violence stories in the news I decided to write this article and take you inside the mind of men that abuse. I want to share the knowledge and experiences that I’ve had facilitating groups and counseling over 1,000 men that have abused their intimate partners. In all that we have seen or experienced we know that there are too many women and men dying, people being injured, far too many children growing up in violent homes to later become victims or abusers themselves. 

In this story I will share with you what constitutes Domestic Violence, the national stats, the cycle of violence, the five types of abuse, the profile/characteristics of men that abuse, the DSM-IV diagnosis of abusers/batterers, treatment that works for this population.

What Is Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is when a partner physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually abuses their intimate partner by exerting power and control over them. Domestic violence occurs in all cultures, races, religions, classes and same sex relationships. We find that domestic violence is perpetrated by men and women, 95% of reported domestic violence cases are men abusing women and 5% of reported domestic violence cases are women abusing men.

National Stats

Every 12 seconds a woman is abused by her intimate partner in the US.
37% of pregnant women are battered during pregnancy, including blows to the abdomen.
 There are more animal shelters than there are shelters for victims of Domestic Violence in the US.
These numbers are staggering and remember this is only what is reported to the police, imagine how many more women are being abused but never report it to the police.  In my career that has spanned over 10 years working with batterers/abusers I’ve seen these numbers grow.

The Cycle of Violence


Source:
Phase 1: Tension building (In this phase there is usually tension building from the batterer/abuser and there is usually an argument)

Phase 2: Explosion (this is where the assault happens)

Phase 3: Honeymoon Phase (this is where the batterer/abuser apologizes for his behavior buying the victim gifts or flowers) 

The cycle of violence will not end until one partner leaves or seeks treatment. 


There are five types of abuse and they usually start with the less noticeable first and become more obvious as the abusive relationship continues.

 The Five Types of Abuse

Emotional (killing pet, playing mind games)                               
Verbal (calling names)
Technological (GPS system /Face book sabotage)                                       
Sexual (forcing sex while sleep or based on the bible)
Physical (killing, punching, choking)

I’m sure now you asking so who are these men, will I know that he is an abuser by looking at him, what makes them tick and what signs can I look for in my partner to determine if he is an abuser/batterer. I will tell you that no you can’t tell if someone is a batter/abuser by looking at them but there are some tell-tale signs and behaviors. So looking deeper into the mind of the abuser I want to now provide you with a few of the behaviors that are typical for batterers.

Profile of an Abuser/Batterer

Jealousy (questioning her constantly about whereabouts, and jealous of time she spends away from him).
Controlling behavior (I’ve had clients who’s victim couldn’t get a job, leave the house or bathe without his permission)
Isolation (Makes partner move away from family and friends so that she depends on him solely for support.)
Forces her to have sex against her will (I’ve had several clients who forced their partners to have sex with their friends and forces sex when she is asleep.)
Holds very rigid gender roles (Believes that her job is just to cater to him, he is the “king of the castle.”) 
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Men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming. Most of these men have a personality that draws people in because of their level of charm this is part of their art to deceive and manipulate. This is why often times when a victim does report an assault she is not easily believed because people usually say “not him, he is so nice’ “you are so lucky”, All of this plays into his because if he gets people outside of the home to buy into his deceit the victim has little if no support. Most batterers are seen as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" because of the stark contrast in their public and private selves. When we look into the mind and behaviors of the batterers the DSM-IV gives us some diagnostic criteria/diagnosis for this population.

Diagnosis of Abusers/Batterers

Antisocial Personality Disorder, (deceitfulness, repeatedly lying, use of aliases or conning others for personal profit or pleasure.)
Borderline Personality Disorder (a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships by alternating between extreme idealizations and devaluation.)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.)

When we look at the profile/characteristics of batterers/abusers we can clearly see how this diagnosis will be found in this population. It’s important to be careful with this diagnosis because many batterers will look to use as an excuse for their behavior.

As we start to look at treatment for this population, I have to say that most of this population doesn’t come into treatment until the partner calls the police or they have been court ordered or the partner threatens to leave. (Note: Victims are at higher risk to be killed when they decide to leave their abusers; this is why some women stay).

Treatment for this population

Group Therapy is important because it allows the batterer to be confronted by his peers on his behavior. I’ve facilitated groups with 16 men in the room at times it would become very confrontational but it was important for the men to be held accountable for their behavior by other men and group facilitators.  Group Therapy focuses on weekly topics about: Respect, effective communication skills, honesty, non violence and how to handle your emotions.

Individual Therapy (this is also a good form of treatment because it gives the batterer more time to express himself without the interruption of others, but even in this therapy the batterer has to be strongly confronted and held accountable for his behavior.) Sometimes the batterer/abuser will want to bring his partner to the sessions. I strongly advise against this until both parties have done at least 6 or 7 individual sessions.

In conclusion I need to say that batters can change they can stop this behavior and treat their intimate partner the way they should be treated. I have seen many men change, I remind myself that people aren’t their behavior, it’s just what is manifested on the surface and we must get beneath that  and deal with the root cause. Because as a society we can’t afford to have women and children living in fear any longer.

Let’s shout it from the highest heights “There is No Excuse for Domestic Violence".
« Last Edit: January 10, 2018, 02:38:16 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #73 on: January 17, 2018, 05:12:14 PM »
Found on webmd

Checklist for Leaving an Abuser

Identification for Yourself and Your Children
Important Personal Papers
Funds
Keys
A Way to Communicate
Medications


Here are some helpful items to get together when you are planning on leaving an abusive situation. Keep these items in a safe place until you are ready to leave, or if you need to leave suddenly. If you have children, take them. And take your pets too (if you can).

Identification for Yourself and Your Children
birth certificates
social security cards (or numbers written on paper if you can't find the cards)
driver's license
photo identification or passports
welfare identification
green card
Important Personal Papers
marriage certificate
divorce papers
custody orders
legal protection or restraining orders
health insurance papers and medical cards
medical records for all family members
children's school records
investment papers/records and account numbers
work permits
immigration papers
rental agreement/lease or house deed
car title, registration, and insurance information
Funds
cash
credit cards
ATM card
checkbook and bankbook (with deposit slips)
Keys
house
car
safety deposit box or post office box

A Way to Communicate
phone calling card
cell phone
address book

If at all possible do not tell your abuser you are leaving or where you are going. The possibility for violence greatly increases if they think or know you are going to leave them.. Most women are seriously injured or killed at this time.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #74 on: January 31, 2018, 06:03:07 AM »
Following
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #75 on: January 31, 2018, 11:22:57 AM »
Found online:

What is domestic violence?


Domestic Violence Is…
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, economic class, immigration status, religion, or gender. It can happen to couples that are married, living together, or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Does the Person You Love:
Threaten to hurt you or other people you care about?
Hit, kick, punch, push, choke or use physical force against you?
Criticize or blame you for everything that goes wrong?
Humiliate you in front of other people?
Control your access to money?
Control the decision-making in your relationship?
Control your time and actions?
Put you down, call you names, make you feel like you’re crazy?
Destroy your property or abuse your pets?
Threaten to hurt you or commit suicide if you leave?
Force or coerce you to have sex when you don’t want to?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.  You are not alone; many people just like you are dealing with violence at home.  You didn’t cause the violence and no one has the right to hurt you.  If you would like to talk with someone, free and confidential help is just a phone call away.

To speak with an advocate:
Call our 24-hour crisis line at 651-227-8284, the Statewide Toll-Free line at 1-866-223-1111, or the National Domestic Violence line at 1-800-799-7233.

Unhealthy relationships

Unhealthy relationships are based upon power and control. This can include coercion, threats, intimidation, put-downs, isolation, etc. Abuse is not just physical. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical, financial, sexual, psychological, and social.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner does any of the following:

Physically abuses you (hitting, choking, kicking, pinching, twisting arms, restraining, etc.)
Controls your money and/or withholds money
Does not allow you to have a job
Isolates you from friends and family
Criticizes you frequently
Yells or uses violent language
Makes threats
Uses intimidation to get what they want
Uses stress, jealousy, and passion to justify actions
Engages in name calling
Mind games
Destroys property
Forces you do to something you don’t want to
Forces you to have sex
Forces you to have an abortion
Pressures you
Abandons you in unfamiliar areas
Threatens to kill you or themselves
Denies abuse
Makes you doubt yourself or feel crazy
Gives you little or no privacy
Prevents you from working or attending school/events
Controls what you wear
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, know you are not alone. To connect with supportive services, please call our crisis line at 651-227-8284.

Want to learn more about domestic violence? You can see our educational presentation topics here. To schedule a presentation on DV 101 for your school, workplace, or organization, click here.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2018, 11:26:16 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #76 on: April 24, 2018, 06:02:05 AM »
Thank you for posting this topic. I know that I have been the victim of verbal abuse and right before bomb drop my H  ran up behind me and pushed me as hard as he could when I was discussing him getting help and working it out. He did not want me to stand in the way of him and Pondscum. He has repeatedly cussed me and told me that he would never want to come back and work things out with me. He did escalate over me not giving him some money and came to the house looking for me. He cussed out my niece and drove off looking for me. I can not count the times he has cussed me. I also wonder if it is me and I could do more but the issue is him. Thank you again for addressing it because he not only is dealing with mlc but a mental disorder and drug abuse. This is indeed a very important topic. Hugs to you all.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #77 on: April 24, 2018, 06:19:27 AM »
You are welcome now please stay away from him.

The problem isn't you it is him. You cannot interact with someone like this.
The only way you add to the problem is if you stay.  Or remain in contact with them.
It only gets worse if you go back. Trust me. You do not want someone like this back. They do not change.

If they suffer no conseqences for their behavior they will do it again and again as long as they get away with it.
You do not deserve to be cussed out, shoved and treated like this.

You deserve better.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #78 on: April 24, 2018, 08:04:08 AM »
Thank you, in it. My divorce was final two week ago today. I really hated to but I had to protect mine and S16's finances. As you mentioned, if there is no consequences then there is no need for change. I am starting to put my foot down and this makes him even madder. I have always in one sense been the enabler and picked up the pieces. Not anymore. I am learning to detach and retrain my way of thinking. Thank you, again.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #79 on: April 25, 2018, 05:28:52 AM »
Good. You may need to bring that foot of yours down harder. If you have lacked boundaries this information might help. You can file an Order of Protection against him.

Now if he continues harass, menace, or stalk you ( these are NOT touch and goes, he's not a clinging boomerang,  these are not reconnections, anchor checking, or anything remotely resembling what you might read on here) This behavior is trying to control, manipulate  and intimidate you. He crossed a big line here putting his hands on you in anger.Besides the verbal abuse. Do not feel sorry for him. He made this mess it's his problem.

I'll tell you what I did.

I sent an email and told him he was to stay away from me or I would have him arrested. ( this was after the incident and him vaguely offering to bring some of the things I still had at the house to me)

I said quite a bit more than that but that sentence protected me.

He acknowledged it and said:

"Never mind I got it we're done."

(I wanted to add NO @$$hole I'M DONE. But refrained.)

I took this email to my lawyer he said it works the same as an Order of Protection. He said "You told him to stay away from you, he acknowledged it make copies of it and keep it everywhere. In your car, at friends houses. If he shows up?  Call the troopers and show it to them."

Do NOT tolerate ANY harassment,  or stalking.

 Block any phone calls, emails, texts, ANY communication to your person. If you are strong enough and can ignore any communication- save it. Don't read it or listen to the messages.  Just do not respond. Give him nothing. If you decide to get a legal Order of Protection it will help.

YOUR safety is paramount in this kind of mess.

The BEST thing you can do is let the OW bear the brunt of his anger. These two deserve each other and you deserve some peace.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #80 on: April 25, 2018, 09:50:35 AM »
Thank you, in it. The verbal is what gets me the most. That is why I have refrained from answering his texts. His parents are very supportive and she called me the other day when he went off on a rant with me. He texted her and told her what a sorry, loveless, selfish b!tc# I was. I admit that it hurts but I have to realize it is him and not.

Quote
The BEST thing you can do is let the OW bear the brunt of his anger. These two deserve each other and you deserve some peace.
Exactly.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #81 on: April 25, 2018, 12:30:20 PM »
Projection at it's finest. I'm sorry his reference to you hurt you.

Yes don't answer his texts you probably have enough right now to have him addressed by the authorities for harassment. You gotta figure out what scares the living hell out of them and do that. Protect yourself and your D as much as you can.

If you ever reconnect there will be time for "I'm sorrys" later. But IMHO? Once they go physical on you, you really need to have nothing to do with them. No I'm sorrys etc make up for this.

I'm pretty sure I was dealing with an NPD with a MLC. It was brutal let me tell you. :P

In order for him to hurt you you have to value his opinion of you to begin with and at this point you might want to think about detaching.
Is it easy? Nope but once you do it and allow more positive things into your life things will change for you. And it's worth it.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #82 on: April 28, 2018, 11:31:43 AM »
Kanvan,

My h is a master at projection. I use to let him vent because I was feeling sorry for him and learned a lot about what was going on in his head. After awhile it was happening more often and I had enough. He use to go on a rant once every couple of weeks and still is trying. I sent all of the messages to my attorney and he got it to stop for awhile but then he started up again. I was told by my attorney to send a text to me h stating “ I am telling you only once, you are only to contact me about pick up and drop off times for the children. Everything else goes through the attorneys”. That is similar to what in it said about staying away. What has worked the best is when I blocked the ex for a couple of hours. He started a rant and I just blocked him.  He was still trying to contact me 2 hours later. He stopped being so mean for awhile and then he did it again. So I blocked him again this time for longer. It bothered him a lot that he couldn’t get in touch with me. It’s actually been over a month since I have had to block him again. Out of everything I have tried including my attorney threatening  harassment orders and everything, blocking him scared him the most. He couldn’t stand not being able to talk to me.
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline Kanvan

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #83 on: April 28, 2018, 12:19:36 PM »
OneHotMess, I may have to do the blocking because mine sounds a lot like yours in the area of not being able to talk to me. Oh, and the letting him vent because you was feeling sorry for him, I am guilty of that as well. He once texted and told me that he could not survive if I never talked to him or he never got to see me again. So,I do think your idea would definitely work for mine. Thank you for your advice and support. I appreciate you.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with and I won't be found." R.H. Sin.

M-48
H-46
S27,S21, S16
Married 12/10/1994
Divorced 4/10/2018
23 years of marriage
BD- June 22, 2017 Moved in with OW-June 24th, 2017
Standing although divorced

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #84 on: April 28, 2018, 01:49:48 PM »
Good move OneHotMess 8).

You do you really do with these types have to scare the crap right out of them.  In the meantime they'll find someone else to abuse and rant at. You do not have to listen to the horrible things they say. You can not feel sorry for them. Save yourself from any more emotional damage.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #85 on: May 31, 2018, 02:00:10 PM »
bump
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline DianaDeBelflor

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #86 on: May 31, 2018, 02:21:54 PM »
bump
Why do I feel like this bump was for me?  ;D

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #87 on: May 31, 2018, 02:33:17 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

 For you?? Nah... ;) ;D ;D ;D...Just a subtle hint

Educate yourself. Keep yourself safe.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #88 on: August 21, 2018, 05:09:46 PM »
Bump
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #89 on: September 15, 2018, 05:33:23 AM »
Bump
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #90 on: October 09, 2018, 04:27:04 PM »
October in the USA is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

What have I done to heal from this in the last 5 years:
Started a Facebook page and posted educational material about it.
Told my story to the people at my local DV office where my side of what happened was officially registered.
Told any one and every one I could ( and in an email told my children) what happened.
I did not have the time to attend counseling. I had to work.
I spent at least three months after the incident getting weekly adjustments at the chiropractor for my injury.

Let out most of my anger here on HS. I have a few friends in RL I vented to and one who knows what it's like to go through that. I have told most of anyone I thought would care in my family. I have a cousin who is a tenured psychology professor at a college in NYS who helped me a great deal.

Due to being stuck in the anger phase of grief I underwent hypnosis so I could get some sense of peace and safety.

I have since moved 1100 miles away from the village I was brought up it. Part of the reason was the ex still lives there. The other part was I met a wonderful man.  Took me three days to drive it.  I never lived any further away from it than 1/2 hour. Now I am away from the bad memories and triggers. The trauma is healing.

I have actually met more women in RL who have encountered the same thing..who shared their story.

This does not keep me stuck it helps me heal. I will heal in my own time..I do not allow it to define me. I put up with zero amounts of crap from anybody.

« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 04:47:24 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #91 on: October 09, 2018, 04:49:22 PM »
Here it is November.

November 25 is International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

We have other domestic/couple violence awareness days/months, like for young people and kids, older people and for couples/violenci in dating on Valentine's day.

Yet, every year women are still killed by a partner.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #92 on: October 09, 2018, 05:02:17 PM »
Still happens here too Anjae..way more than it should.

I think for years woman might call the authorities when being abused then not follow through with pressing charges etc..so the authorities don't see a reason to treat it with any kind of seriousness.

Not sure what the numbers are this year that have been killed. I could have been just another statistic.

Get's your life into perspective pretty damn quick.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #93 on: October 09, 2018, 05:17:57 PM »
I think for years woman might call the authorities when being abused then not follow through with pressing charges etc..so the authorities don't see a reason to treat it with any kind of seriousness.

That does happen a lot here as well. It is not so much authorities not treat it with any kind of seriousness, they do - Domestic Violence is a public crime here, anyone can report it. Buf it there are no charges, not much they can do.

I have called the cops a few times. There is a very worrysome couple, read husband, around the corner. They go to the flat, nothing happens because the wife does not report the husband, And then, it is worst because he becomes more aggressive and beats her more.

The guy is a piece. He is involved with other women. There has been terrible scenes in the street. The wife finds texts and so form other women in his mobile, she starts to scream, the whole thing escalates, the cops come, separaet them, try to talk her to go with them, no luck.

The couple is younger than I am and they have small kids. The guy is a serial cheater and drinks. One day it is hell, the next the couple is throwing a party for friends. It is awful and I can see it from the terrace or from the window if they are in the street.

Not sure what the numbers are this year that have been killed. I could have been just another statistic.

Here, this year it is already up to 21, same as at the end of last year. You could, I could, LP could, Savy and others could. We were fortunate adn ww weren't.

Get's your life into perspective pretty damn quick.

It does.

Thanks for telling what you did to overcome, or try to overcome, what happened.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #94 on: October 09, 2018, 05:42:49 PM »
Thank you Anjae for being brave enough to share your story. Yes Savy and LP too. Very small group we are.

Maybe there are more here. But there is a certain amount of shame that goes with admitting it , so some don't or won't. Some worry about being judged due to it.

 And I think about it this way. How I have handled my healing maybe it can help others. Any ideas that might help.  I'm open to also. I'm now back to being creative - hand-painting on fabric for enjoyment.

2017 - 72 deaths in the US. Not sure about the count this year.

That sounds like an awful situation nearby you.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #95 on: October 09, 2018, 05:44:14 PM »
We are facing presidential elections here in Brazil. The candidate who is supposed to win is a misogynist, yet promises to address the fact that this country I love is the fifth in the world for "feminicide", a word that describes murder on account of the female gender. Reference:https://vestibular.uol.com.br/resumo-das-disciplinas/atualidades/feminicidio-brasil-e-o-5-pais-em-morte-violentas-de-mulheres-no-mundo.htmfor those who read Portuguese.

I have always stood up for women abused... offered to take to the police station and make sure the claim is registered. I have yet to be successful ??? they have always asked me to stop the car and let them go - 'he didn't mean it'; 'I am fine'; 'there is no need...'

I have hugged and held, hurt and sobbing women, who have been attacked and abused. I, perhaps, never understood properly as I was NEVER treated in this way - one of my dreams before BD was to learn how to support women who suffer this kind of abuse... Now, I have to work fulltime to survive and don't really have contact with people who suffer in this manner. Sometimes I drive by a woman who is clearly upset but cannot stop due to my commitments. All I can do is send a prayer her way :(

As a mother of a daughter, I am particularly attentive to her vulnerability and I think I drive her mad with my constant insistence on knowing where she is and how she is ::)

My sons also know of my attention to the females in their lives - even the alternative forms of the female gender, if you get my gist. One of my middle son's friends was badly beaten up because of her 'choice' and had to go to hospital to be patched up. I was horrified and told him that I would take her to the authorities to report the incident. She thanked me but refused my help, saying that she was afraid of what the police might do to her because of her 'choice'.

There is a lot of violence out there and I totally agree that it is a deal breaker
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 05:52:52 PM by Mitzpah »
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #96 on: October 09, 2018, 06:17:52 PM »
You're welcome, In It. One Hot Mess is having to deal with a difficult MLCer. He is bad, nasty monster. Not sure if he ever got physically violent, but he has been taking her for court tons of time and now she is going to file for " file a protective order for the harassment  on my own to save me money." So, he is not being nice at all and is using at least one type of violence, financial. 

Very interesting article, Mitz. Portugal is the 4th safest country in the world, but when it comes to domestic violence we still need to improve a lot. Also when it comes to violence agains elderly people.

The Brasilian candidate to the presidency that is said to be the one for the win is so problematic in many ways. I know there are problems with the other candidate as well and that things seems a real mess in Brazil right now, but the favourite is a not a god news for women, and many others, including several that are voting for him.

If I lived in Rio I would also always wanted to know where my daughter is and how she is. The overhaul level of danger is much higher than in Porto. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #97 on: October 10, 2018, 07:35:34 AM »
What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of coercive, controlling behavior that is a pervasive life-threatening crime affecting people in all our communities regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, religion, social standing and immigration status.

Abuse is not love. It is one person in a relationship having power and control over the other person.

Domestic violence takes many forms: physical; emotional; economic; stalking and harassment; and sexual.

Are you suffering from domestic abuse?
If so, please call The Center for Family Justice’s hotline now, 203-333-2233.

Characteristics of Domestic Abuse
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse does not always leave marks or cause permanent damage:

Scratching, biting, grabbing or spitting.
Shoving and pushing.
Slapping and punching.
Throwing objects to hurt or intimidate you.
Destroying possessions or treasured objects.
Hurting or threatening to hurt your children and/or pets.
Disrupting your sleeping patterns to make you feel exhausted.
Burning.
Strangling.
Attacking or threatening to attack with a weapon.
Any threats or actual attempts to kill you.

Emotional/Psychological Abuse
Emotional/psychological abuse is a behavior your partner uses to control you or damage your emotional well-being. It can be verbal or non-verbal:

Name-calling, mocking, intimidation and making humiliating remarks or gestures.
Yelling in your face or standing is a menacing way.
Manipulating your children.
Telling you what to do or where you can and cannot go.
Placing little value on what you say.
Interrupting, changing topics, not listening or responding, and twisting your words.
Putting you down in front of other people.
Saying negative things about your friends and family.
Preventing or making it difficult for you to see friends or relatives
Cheating or being overly jealous.
Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior by blaming others or saying you caused it.
Monitoring your phone calls, texts, car and computer use.

Economic/Financial Abuse
Economic/financial abuse happens when the abuser makes a victim entirely financially dependent on the abuser, with no power or say in the relationship:

Forbidding the victim to work or attend school.
Sabotaging employment opportunities by giving the victim a black eye or other visible injury prior to an important meeting.
Jeopardizing employment by stalking or harassing the victim at the workplace.
Denying access to a vehicle or damaging the vehicle so that the victim cannot get to work.
Sabotaging educational opportunities by destroying class assignments.
Withholding money or giving an allowance.
Denying access to bank accounts.
Hiding family assets.
Running up debt in the victim’s name.
Stalking and Harassment
Stalking and harassment can happen between strangers or in relationships, where the abusive partner or ex demands your time even after you make it clear you do not want contact:

Making unwanted visits or sending you unwanted messages (voicemails, text messages, emails, etc.).
Following you, including installing GPS tracking software on your car or cell phone without your knowledge or consent.
Checking up on you constantly.
Embarrassing you in public.
Refusing to leave when asked.

Sexual Abuse:
Sexual abuse does occur in committed relationships and marriages.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #98 on: October 10, 2018, 02:28:22 PM »
There has never been physical abuse yet but he continues to act crazier as this goes on. I never know what he is capable of. I believe he has caused major emotional and financial abuse. Because of the fact that he was never physical, I had no idea how to stop it. It’s crazy how this kind of stuff messes with your head. I once called the domestic violence hotline and told her what was happening. It was terrible at that time and he was still in the house. They said that it was a very bad case of gaslighting.

 According to the department I talked to yesterday for the protective order, he definitely needs some boundaries set in place. He started using the court to harass me when I started giving the attorneys copies of his text messages. We have been to court 4 times since the beginning of August and 12 times since November of last year.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2018, 02:29:52 PM by OneHotMess »
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #99 on: October 10, 2018, 03:29:39 PM »
Emotional and financial abuse are also domestic violence.

He started using the court to harass me when I started giving the attorneys copies of his text messages. We have been to court 4 times since the beginning of August and 12 times since November of last year.

That is over the top crazy. You have every right to show his texts to your lawyers.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #100 on: October 10, 2018, 03:42:42 PM »
Exactly you have every right to show them to your lawyers.. The gaslighting is the worst They get your head so messed up you can't think straight.

You do NOT have to put up with it OHM.

He's losing control and he knows that. That's why there's all this drama that surrounds them.
There doesn't have to be physical abuse but you need to be aware it can escalate into that. When they feel that cannot control the situation anymore they will try to control you.

You shut him down..no more responding to texts, phone calls, any attempt to contact or see you. I'll bring up the no contact thread. It's the only way to save your sanity.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #101 on: October 10, 2018, 03:55:00 PM »
OHM and her husband have underaged children, In It. There has to be some contact, even if just about/for the kids.

Think you're nailed it, In It. When they start to lose control, be it of themselves or of us, the drama comes. Court is both drama, control and atatchment.

Mr J and his going to court was not that crazy in the amount of times, but who goes to divorce court twice when the court already told you you have no case? Who goes to higher court when court number two tells you you have no case because your case number two is like you case number one and no one can be taken to court twice for teh same reason, including when you had no case to start with?

Someone out of their mind, like a MLCer, who is desperate to cause drama and to control. Funny thing is that, Mr J never really made any effort to really divorce and settle. There would be the he wants to deal, and then he does not, or the totally unacceptable proposals.

Anything that would drag, cause drama and allow for a non settelement = Mr J parting with money and assets.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #102 on: October 10, 2018, 04:05:34 PM »
It’s funny you said that about him trying to see me. He sent me a message today that he had new insurance cards. I told him to give them to the kids when he drops them off. He said “ not acceptable. I want to hand them to you.” I really only respond to his text if it has to do with the kids. His text messages start out about something I have to respond to and almost always ends up in monstering,bashing, or projections.

We would probably still be married if I didn’t force a hearing to get it done and over with. I definitely expect to possibly turn physical. I have told my attorney this and I think he probably agrees which is why he has told me to get this protective order ASAP.
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #103 on: October 10, 2018, 04:08:44 PM »
OHM
Tell him you do not want to see him and put the cards in the mail certified return receipt. If he does attempt to see you? You are calling the cops.

You gotta find something that scares the sh!t right out of them. From the looks of it court doesn't.

Get addresses changed on whatever you can so nothing else goes to him regarding anything to do with the kids.
Commnication can be made by email or text about the kids. Then you have proof of what he says.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2018, 04:25:07 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #104 on: October 10, 2018, 04:38:24 PM »
No, court doesn't scare certain type of MLCers.

“ not acceptable. I want to hand them to you.”

Heard the same from Mr J, about some stuff he wanted to handle me. I wanted him to leave it with MIL and SIL, then one of my brothers would pick it up. I had to told Mr J I didn't felt save meeting him.

Your husband does not live with you, does he OHM? Does he goes by the house? Maybe to pick and drop the kids?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #105 on: October 10, 2018, 04:55:45 PM »
No, he does not live with me. Hasn’t for about a year and a half. He comes to the house to pick up the kids but is not allowed in the house and I stay inside. Same happens when I have to pick the kids up at his house. I will not even go to his door. He has some stuff here that he needs to pick up and I have A court order that the police or a neutral 3rd party needs to be present. The less control he has over me the worse he gets. Take the finalization of the divorce for example,  That was on Aug 9 but we found out over a week later. Since then he has had me in court every 2 weeks.

Everyone I know thinks I am crazy for worrying about him hurting me but I can’t help but to feel the next step is physical. He just keeps escalating to a new level.
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #106 on: October 10, 2018, 05:10:04 PM »
OHM
Tell him you do not want to see him and put the cards in the mail certified return receipt. If he does attempt to see you? You are calling the cops.

You gotta find something that scares the sh!t right out of them. From the looks of it court doesn't.

Get addresses changed on whatever you can so nothing else goes to him regarding anything to do with the kids.
Commnication can be made by email or text about the kids. Then you have proof of what he says.

I have had the rule about only corresponding via text from the beginning. I have only talked to him a couple of times in person and always resulted in him saying it didn’t happen. So now I stick to it no matter what.

I honestly think him losing control or contact with me  scares him. I noticed that when I blocked him a couple of times because of the monster. He came to the house to pick up the kids and didn’t understand why he couldn’t get ahold of me. He looked like he had lost his mind even more that day. My niece even commented on it. Soon the kids and I will be out of this house and I won’t have to have much to do with him at all. I do fear what will happen when the rest of the control he has is lost.
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #107 on: October 10, 2018, 06:15:25 PM »
Im sure losing contact with you does scare him but you cannot worry about him or about what other people think.
This is what he wanted regardless of who filed.
He doesnt get his cake and eat it too.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #108 on: October 19, 2018, 06:43:31 PM »
Saw photos online of the little village where I'm from. Someone actually organized and a walk the other day of maybe 30 people carrying signs to raise awareness against Domestic Violence  :o :)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #109 on: November 16, 2018, 11:01:26 AM »
I can only speak for my own MLCer as this is definitely the case but at the same time am convinced that substance abuse plays a very major role in the vast majority of cases where the MLCer has been physically abusive.
https://alorecovery.com/link-between-domestic-violence-drug-abuse/
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #110 on: November 16, 2018, 03:22:20 PM »
It may very well be case.
Addiction is no excuse..may lower inhibition and cloud judgement. But really you can not accept violence due to it.
(There were no drugs or alcohol involved in my case.)
 
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #111 on: November 16, 2018, 03:50:15 PM »
I have a second cousin just the sweetest salt of the earth man
He and his wife(who I think the world of) have been married more than 50 years
He has Alzheimer's. Was doing quite good.He had an angry outburst and grabbed her by the throat.
She punched him in the stomach to get him to let go.
Her next move was call 911.

Was that my cousin who attacked her? No it wasn't.
Should she just put up with it ? Live with it? Maybe he won't do it again.
No she shouldn't and can't. Broke her heart to have to put him someplace someone could keep him sedated and her safe.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #112 on: November 16, 2018, 07:39:41 PM »
Domestic Violence Is…

Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, economic class, immigration status, religion, or gender. It can happen to couples that are married, living together, or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

Does the Person You Love:
Threaten to hurt you or other people you care about?
Hit, kick, punch, push, choke or use physical force against you?
Criticize or blame you for everything that goes wrong?
Humiliate you in front of other people?
Control your access to money?
Control the decision-making in your relationship?
Control your time and actions?
Put you down, call you names, make you feel like you’re crazy?
Destroy your property or abuse your pets?
Threaten to hurt you or commit suicide if you leave?
Force or coerce you to have sex when you don’t want to?

If you’ve answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.  You are not alone; many people just like you are dealing with violence at home.  You didn’t cause the violence and no one has the right to hurt you.  If you would like to talk with someone, free and confidential help is just a phone call away.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline nah

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #113 on: November 17, 2018, 05:41:59 AM »
In it, I didn't deal with physical abuse, but Thank you for your postings.

Chances are the people you are helping are too afraid to respond.

You rock!!
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #114 on: November 17, 2018, 06:21:15 AM »
It may very well be case.
Addiction is no excuse..may lower inhibition and cloud judgement. But really you can not accept violence due to it.
(There were no drugs or alcohol involved in my case.)

Init, please don`t get me wrong, I didn`t intend it to come over that domestic abuse is acceptable as it most certainly is NOT but wanted to point out the fact that substance abuse may very well be behind a lot of cases where the MLCer has been physically violent.

Addicts are extremely cunning and sneaky, I only found out that my MLCer had been taking cocaine for a lot longer that he had told (lied) to me as a friend of his confided in me that he had been taking it for the previous 6 or 7 years.

I learnt the hard way and the biggest mistake I`ve probably ever made in my entire life was not pressing charges against him.




« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 06:30:36 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #115 on: November 17, 2018, 06:39:51 AM »
I agree Loyal.  You probably would press charges today, but back then you were still confused and hurting.  In shock he could do this.
As time goes on I think a lot of people who were abused see it differently.

Don't blame yourself.  You just didn't see it clearly enough back then.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #116 on: November 17, 2018, 06:59:38 AM »
Thanks Nah..there is some shame involved with it for the (for want of a better word) - victims. That's why some people won't say anything..they feel  in some way it was their fault or they deserved it. Sometimes they feel a need to protect who has been abusing them.

Yes Loyal if you have a case against them you really do need to press charges it's the only way they will start to understand what they did was wrong. Behavior and consequences.
Shocked and hurt is quite accurate.

I tried.  The investigator I showed the hospital report to about a week later ( I still had the bruises) just thumbed through it quickly and handed it back to me. Would not listen to me. Which is common. A trooper did run it passed the DA, he told me she said it's a " he said she said" and if she paid attention to those she would be in court all day..so there you go. So I couldn't.

Should have done it years ago the first time he was violent.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #117 on: November 17, 2018, 07:42:52 AM »
Signs of Emotional Abuse


- Attacking your sense of self worth

- Insulting you, calling you names, criticizing you, humiliating you.

-Acting jealous or possessive, accusing you of being with other partners.

-Withholding affection or acknowledgement in order to punish you

-Cheating on you intentionally (not sure how this is against their will or an accident)

-Lying to you (another biggie)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #118 on: November 17, 2018, 08:06:49 AM »
Thanks Thunder, yes I was in a state of shock for a long time, he`d been a monstering CB for several years but had never once laid a finger on me before.

Yes, InIt you`re definitely right and other than that, once they`ve been violent once it becomes a habit when they don`t have to bear any consequences. He threatened me regularly during his cocained induced psychotic phases from the time he attacked me in April 2016 until he left (ghosted me) in April 2017.

Nah, I wasn`t ashamed, actually posted what happened on HS at the time and have never felt once felt that I deserved to be abused. In my case it was  definitely codependency.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 08:10:23 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #119 on: November 17, 2018, 08:12:22 AM »
Should have done it years ago the first time he was violent.

Ditto!!!
« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 08:16:04 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #120 on: November 17, 2018, 08:35:48 AM »
Yep Loyal just like anything that misbehaves around you..they get away with it once? They just keep doing it.

I'm sure no one would agree with methods I use for behavior modification in others. I have a cat. He's 17 pounds, so he's big.I love him (feed him, give him catnip, pet him, brush him, talk to him)  for some unknown reason would run into the room from out of nowhere and lay right into the side of my hand :o..I mean bite me pretty hard. >:(

He got away with it the first time because I wasn't expecting it. I kinda let it go. But it happened a second time and I took a swat at him. I missed as he was already running off the bed because he knew what he had done was wrong and he was going to get swatted.
After that when I heard him on his way into my room and he'd go for my hand he would get swatted. He wasn't expecting me to be ready for him.

What was I supposed to do ? Say" Awww the poor kitty he must be having some issues. Maybe he's having an MLC. I'll just put up with him until he's passed it."

NO it hurt and he needs to see how it feels. Only took a couple of times and he didn't try to do that anymore.

No you don't deserve to be abused Loyal and I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I was codependent too..I'm pretty sure I have my issues addressed this time. The good Lord knows I'm not taking one ounce of crap from anybody.Even if I feel just a little disrespected I let whoever it is have it. >:(
Over reaction? Maybe I'll get centered after a while. :)
« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 08:39:03 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #121 on: November 17, 2018, 08:49:17 AM »
In It, you did the right thing with the cat.  Their not human beings, or children, you can't talk to them, or reason with them.
If they did that to the alpha cat/dog the alpha would probably hurt them back to teach them a lesson.  That's how their mothers taught them.  Oh if I hurt you you're going to hurt me worse, guess I better not do that again.  Pain they understand.

Now I know you wouldn't hurt your cat but putting fear in them is not a bad thing to teach them.
My one dog who was getting in the garbage got a swift swat on the butt.  Didn't hurt her but it scared her enough to stop doing it.

A spray bottle of water is always a good method too.   ;)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #122 on: November 17, 2018, 08:57:04 AM »
The cat didn't do it only about twice and a spray bottle would have been too slow to spray him.

Well I told the ex after  I went back  and before he acted the way he did with me (of course this was after he lost his job because he choked his supervisor)

"You DO NOT put your hands on anyone in anger."

His response?

"I know."
Did he listen? Apparently not or I wouldn't have gotten hurt.

Am I responsible to teach a grown a$$ man right from wrong?If he doesn't know that by now I can't teach him. He should have learned that in kindergarten.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #123 on: November 17, 2018, 10:35:27 AM »
It is such a basic thing, but with more subtle emotional abuse, it can take a while to see the wood for the trees.
I am not responsible for anyone else's failure to manage their anger or need for power and control.
I am absolutely responsible for my safety, sanity and the ability to say No.
I just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences for me when I do...and often I think it is that fear which keeps us stuck for a while.
Love does not want to hurt you. If someone does, it is something other than love.
Unless you're a cat in which case it's just getting used to your human lol
« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 10:38:52 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #124 on: November 17, 2018, 10:55:22 AM »
InIt, the story with your cat made me laugh and brought back sweet memories of my own two. I used the same method as Thunder when they were naughty and always had a water spray bottle near to hand, the two of them only had to see it and they`d disappear.

Your MLCer sounds just as berserk as mine  ::). What in heaven`s name made him  try to choke his supervisor, are you sure he wasn`t taking something??? As I wrote before, my MLCer was able to keep his c abuse secret from me for several years before I copped on.

Like you, I`ve never been one to let anybody walk all over me, am a very down to earth,  understanding (think I was MUCH too understanding in regards to my MLCer)  but at the same time straightforward person and have always been more than capable of standing up for myself, which makes it even harder to explain why I put up with his emotional and the last year he was here, physical abuse and threats.




« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 10:57:04 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #125 on: November 17, 2018, 11:35:30 AM »
Loyal the only drugs he was taking at that time I knew of was one for diabetes.

He got totally POed because they had been away for work and the supervisor who was responsible for calling in the time was going to call it in for less hours then they actually worked.

Another guy who had been there for 30 years went into the office and straightened it out so there was no need for him (having worked there only 8 years) to go in there and express his opinion in a physical manner.

Before this he was passed over for a pay grade increase ( which he did deserve) If the people who put in for the pay grade increase had just kept their mouths shut to him that they had done that and waited to see if it was approved before they said something he might not have gotten so angry. But they told him that they recommended him for it and he didn't get it. He was making good money he really was all set without it.

But it doesn't matter he would have ended up like this in some other situation anyway.

It was in mediation for a year..it's a wonder just the stress of that didn't kill us all.
The outcome was: He could have his job back if he accepted lifetime probation and anger management classes.

 He said he had no problem with the lifetime probation, but would not take the anger management classes. :o
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #126 on: November 17, 2018, 12:01:43 PM »
Why doesn't that surprise me?  Nothing wrong with them   ::) ::)

It's every one else's fault.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #127 on: November 17, 2018, 12:32:29 PM »
Yep..not one thing wrong with them everyone loses a job due to these kinds of situations. ::)

So what was I supposed to do? Divorce him then? Well you lost your job . I want a divorce?

I did not openly blame him for losing his job.
I actually said that to him one night.

"I never blamed you for losing your job".

He somewhat whispered.."That's a really good thing".

I probably would have gotten physically abused if I did. I must have known that at some level to not say anything.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #128 on: November 17, 2018, 02:31:18 PM »
Like you, Ive never been one to let anybody walk all over me, am a very down to earth,  understanding (think I was MUCH too understanding in regards to my MLCer)  but at the same time straightforward person and have always been more than capable of standing up for myself, which makes it even harder to explain why I put up with his emotional and the last year he was here, physical abuse and threats.

Boy if this isn't the truth I can relate to this Loyal. All I can say in my own defense is I thought I had to put up with all this crap to have my family back. I had waaay too much compassion and understanding. They do not understand that.

However that was not what I was dealing with. That wasn't the way they thought they thought it was perfectly ok to treat me like this.They didn't see anything wrong with it.
I was heartbroken and grieving and they are abusing me? Really?

And I still feel if the LBS does not lay down REALLY clear boundaries and enforce them as to what you will not tolerate?

 They will run over you.

Every.

Single.

Time.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #129 on: November 17, 2018, 05:49:33 PM »
Found online:

The Truth About Abusers, Abuse, and What to Do

How to spot an abusive partner before it's too late.

More than 3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year, including both men and women. Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million people. One-third of women and one-fourth of men will have experienced some sort of interpersonal violence, and for one-fourth of women and one-seventh of men, it's severe. (For more, visit NCADV.org.)

What is less talked about, though serious, is emotional abuse that ranges from withholding to controlling, and includes manipulation and verbal abuse. The number of people affected is astronomical. Emotional abuse is insidious and slowly eats away at your confidence and self-esteem. The effects are long term, and can take even longer to recover from than blatant violence.

Facts About Abuse

Victims often minimize violence. This is their denial. Violence includes throwing or breaking things, slapping, shoving, hair-pulling, and forced sex. Here are some facts you should know:

Usually, abuse takes place behind closed doors.
Abusers deny their actions.
Abusers blame the victim.
Violence is preceded by verbal abuse.
Abuse damages your self-esteem.
The abuser needs to be right and in control.
The abuser is possessive and may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
The abuser is hypersensitive and may react with rage.
A gun in the house increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent.
Two-thirds of domestic violence perpetrators have been drinking.
One-third of victims have been drinking or using drugs.

The Typical Abuser

You may not realize that abusers feel powerless. They don’t act insecure to cover up the truth. In fact, they’re often bullies. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have power over their victim. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. To them, communication is a win-lose game. They often have the following personality profile:

Insecure.
Needy with unrealistic expectations of a relationship.
Distrustful.
Often jealous.
Verbally abusive.
Needs to be right and in control.
Possessive; may try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
Hypersensitive and reacts aggressively.
Has a history of aggression.
Is cruel to animals or children.
Blames their behavior on others.
Suffers from untreated mental health problems including depression or suicidal behavior.


How to Respond

Most victims of abuse respond in a rational way: They explain themselves and believe that the abuser is interested in what they have to say. This lets abusers know that they’ve won and have control. Instead, one must design their own strategy and not react, thereby not rewarding the abusive behavior. You can do this by not engaging, or by responding in an unpredictable way, such as with humor, which throws an abuser off-guard. You can also ask for the behavior you want, set limits, and confront the abuse. Most victims do the opposite, and placate and appease an abuser to deescalate tension and the risk of harm. It rarely works, and abuse typically continues.

The Truth About Violence

If you’ve experienced violence—and that includes shoving, hair pulling, or destroying property—it’s essential to get support and learn how to set limits. Abusers deny or minimize the problem—as do victims—and may claim that they can’t control themselves. This is untrue. Notice that they aren’t abusive with their boss—because there would be consequences to that behavior. They also blame their actions on you, implying that you need to change. You’re never responsible for someone else’s behavior.

You may recognize the Cycle of Violence:

A build-up of tension.
The attack.
Remorse and apology.
A honeymoon period of loving gestures.


Sometimes, the threat of violence is all the abuser needs to control you, like a terrorist. The best time to abort violence is in the build-up stage. Some victims will even provoke an attack to get it over with, because their anxiety and fear is so great. After an attack, abusers say how sorry they are and promise never to repeat it, but without counseling to treat the underlying causes of the abuse repeat itself. Do not believe their promises.

Why Victims Stay

There are many reasons why victims stay in a relationship. Statistics show that victims of violence endure an average of up to seven attacks. The dominant reason is dependency: Control by the abuser, shame about the abuse, and the dysfunctional nature of the relationship lowers the victim's self-esteem and confidence and often causes the victim to withdraw from friends and family, creating even more fear and dependency on the abuser. The abuse itself is experienced as an emotional rejection with the threat of being abandoned. This triggers feelings of shame and fears of both more abuse and abandonment in the victim, which are then relieved during the honeymoon phase. Then victims hope the abuser will change. After all, there are good times between episodes of abuse. There are reasons why the person loves or once loved the abuser, and often children are involved.

Abusers can have a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. Dr. Jekyll is often charming and romantic, perhaps successful, and makes pronouncements of love. You love Dr. Jekyll and make excuses for Mr. Hyde. You may not see that the whole person is the problem. If you’ve had a painful relationship with a parent growing up, you can confuse love and pain. Victims also stay for the following reasons:



Finances.
Nowhere else to live.
No outside emotional support.
Childcare concerns.
Taking the blame for the abuse.
Denying, minimizing, and rationalizing the abuse.
Low self-esteem and confidence.
They love the abuser.

If you’re a victim of abuse, you feel ashamed. You’ve been humiliated and your self-esteem and confidence have been undermined. You hide the abuse from people close to you, often to protect the reputation of the abuser and because of your own shame. An abuser uses tactics to isolate you from friends and loved ones by criticizing them and making remarks designed to force you take sides. You’re either for them or against them. If the abuser feels slighted, then you have to take his or her side, or you’re befriending the enemy. This is designed to increase control over you and your dependence upon him or her.

Steps You Can Take

It’s essential to build outside resources and talk about what’s going on in your relationship. A professional is the best person, because you can build your self-esteem and learn how to help yourself without feeling judged or rushed into taking action. If you can’t afford private individual therapy, find a low-fee clinical in your city, learn all you can from books and online resources, join online forums, and find a support group at a local battered women’s shelter. Do this even if it means keeping a secret. You’re entitled to your privacy.

To avoid getting involved with an abuser when you’re dating, beware of someone who:

Insists on having his or her way and won’t compromise.
Has outbursts of anger.
Is rude to others.
Criticizes you or your family.
Is jealous or possessive.
Is paranoid.
Threatens you.
Pay attention to these signs despite the fact that the person is pursuing you and expressing love and affection. An abuser won’t risk becoming abusive until he or she is confident that you won’t leave. First, he or she will try to win you over and isolate you from friends and family. See if he or she respects your boundaries. Often, violence doesn’t start until after marriage or the birth of a child, when you’re less likely to leave. But it also can escalates when you try to leave. This is why it's imperative to have a plan and support.

Don't wait for the next attack. If you’re threatened by abuse, call 1-800-799-SAFE. Some other steps you can take to prepare for an emergency are:

Open bank and credit cards in your own name.
Have a safe place to go at a friend or relative.
Have a bag packed at that place with necessary valuables and important legal papers, passport, bank information, credit cards, phone book, and money. Also pack clothes for your children and some toys.
Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear loud noises or suspect danger.
Make extra car and house keys. Hide a car key outside so you can get away.
If there is weapon in the home, remove it.

Remember, by not confronting abuse to avoid the risk of losing someone’s love, you risk losing your Self.
« Last Edit: November 17, 2018, 06:03:27 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #130 on: November 17, 2018, 06:32:17 PM »
I noticed about 3 months after BD, When i started a new job That I couldn’t look men in the eyes. I walked around with my eyes on the ground. I remembered asking myself why. I’m guessing it was because of the emotional and verbal abuse. I decided at that time that I would not let him break me. I like to think I am not that scared little girl anymore. Yes, I still have moments but Not very many anymore. The best thing I could do was break as much contact with him as I could.

I hope anyone who has to go through this will get help. Don’t let theses abusers break you!!
M 40
H 41
He moved out May 21,2017
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved her in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final hearing on our 20th anniversary (July 11,2018) divorce was final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10052.150

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #131 on: November 18, 2018, 12:09:10 AM »
Why doesn't that surprise me?  Nothing wrong with them   ::) ::)

]It's every one else's fault.


This is exactly how their sick minds think. Mine told me shortly before he did his vanishing act that he intended on getting his own back on each and every person that (according to his lethal  MLC/C warped mind) had done him wrong and obviously I`ve been the number one on his list for a very long time.


 
All I can say in my own defense is I thought I had to put up with all this crap to have my family back. I had waaay too much compassion and understanding. They do not understand that.

However that was not what I was dealing with. That wasn't the way they thought they thought it was perfectly ok to treat me like this.They didn't see anything wrong with it.
I was heartbroken and grieving and they are abusing me? Really?


And I still feel if the LBS does not lay down REALLY clear boundaries and enforce them as to what you will not tolerate?

 They will run over you.

Every.

Single.

Time.


Yes and the sooner we realise that the better, as the longer we wait before showing them the consequences, the more DESTRUCTION they willl do

Would also like to thank you so much for this thread InIt. Thank goodness there aren`t many LBSèrs on HS with extreme cases such as ours but we`re here all the same.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2018, 12:44:17 AM by Loyal »
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Online Treasur

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #132 on: November 18, 2018, 12:57:17 AM »
I suspect there may be more than we think, Loyal, perhaps quietly reading this thread as they try to figure out what they need to do to protect themselves.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Loyal

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #133 on: November 18, 2018, 01:36:42 AM »
I suspect there may be more than we think, Loyal, perhaps quietly reading this thread as they try to figure out what they need to do to protect themselves.
[/quote[/b]

Definitely and not to forget as Nah wrote yesterday, many are ashamed for various reasons. Which I was for a long time too, not about being the victim of his domestic violence but the fact that that he was taking c, which IMO has played a major role in his destructive behaviour.
Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road. They definitely weren`t together when he first left,  he was living in a flat around the corner from her that belongs to a guy he got to know through walking our doggie. She had been chasing after him for years but he hadn`t the slightest interest in her as she is definitely not his pre MLC type  but as with most MLCers. she was the first to cross his path and he took the bait.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #134 on: November 21, 2018, 12:16:04 PM »
Found online:

Lies Abusers Tell

Abusive people build their whole world around lying. So much of what they tell everyone is a lie. They may describe specific events, but exactly what happened and exactly what was said at these events is greatly embellished. That’s the one thing to keep in mind as you move along your healing journey–abusers will lie.

And not just a little white lie, either. Abusers will tell tall tales, bordering on complete falsehoods and a total departure from what actually happened.

In the beginning, the abusers will come across as everything we hoped and dreamed for. They are charming, funny, and our perfect mate. Right?

Wrong.

These fantasies they tell us are built on a lie because they have a hidden agenda. These lies are used to ensnare us in their web of deceit; it is to keep us hooked. It all boils down to power and control. Abusers lie because they crave and must possess power and control over their victims.

Lies they tell

Abusers will tell us whatever they feel they must in order to gain power and control in a relationship. You may have heard some or all of these. You may even have heard some that are not on this list.

In no particular order, the following are just some of the lies abusers will tell:

1. I love you,
2. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,
3. I’ll go to counseling,
4. I promise,
5. I’m sorry,
6. It’s your fault,
7. No one else would ever want you,
8. If you leave, I’ll kill myself and it’ll be your fault,
9. You’re so lazy,
10. You can’t do anything right,
11. Well, you’re not getting it from me so you must be getting it from someone else,
12. I’ve changed,
13. I never said that (Or, “You’re remembering it wrong”),
14. You’re so selfish,
15. You’re crazy! You must be off your meds again.

How the lies are used

Abusers use the above lies and phrases to gain the upper hand in a relationship. They will pour out these lies to help themselves in some way, whether it’s to avoid accountability (i.e. placing blame on someone else), for material gain, to boost their ego, to avoid embarrassment, or to gain the pity of others.

They also use these lies to justify their actions. For example, if they lose their temper, they may say, “Well, if she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have had to yell.” Abusers will also use these lies to gain our trust and love. Then, they will utter many of these lies to tear us down and make us doubt our confidence, our self-esteem, and our self-worth. In fact, these lies can cause us to doubt our whole existence. Abusers aim to strip us of all that makes us worthy in hopes of making us feel so low about ourselves that we stay in the relationship, or go back to them if we left.

After the relationship is over, many abusers will turn on the charm in attempts to win us back. They do so because they don’t want to give up the power and control. In fact, many abusers will go so far as to tell many of these lies to manipulate the masses into believing that we are the crazy and unstable ones. The abusers will tell anyone who they think will listen that we are not who we say we are and that we are actually the abusers. It’s truly sick and pathetic how far abusers will go to paint themselves as the victims and us as the abusers.

The lies abusers tell couldn’t be further from the truth. We know the truth. We know what really happened. Just keep living your truth and heal the way you need to.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #135 on: January 22, 2019, 04:22:56 PM »
Bump
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #136 on: January 22, 2019, 08:58:41 PM »
Hello,

What is so hard is that the abused endure because of the variable of reward. In Vegas, slot machines pay off on occasion. You can't predict the payoff, it could be on the third draw, it could be two in a row. Once you are hooked, you keeping playing knowing that the next pull is going to be the jackpot!

Abusers do the same. They are great charmers and can be the kindest and sweetest people. They give just enough to hook the abuser. The abuser is drawn to the charm and they overlook the bad because of the good. It really gaslights them because of the conflict, how can they be so nice and loving and then turn into such a monster. It must be me! It must be the bad home life he complains about!

The relationship is complex and while people question the abused for staying, they fail to recognize all the layers of the spider web that traps the victim into staying. Especially the fear if they actually do try to leave. Those threats can become real.

Very good thread. Breaks my heart as I have had to report abused kids and that is the saddest part of my job.

((((hugs)))

Ready



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #137 on: January 23, 2019, 03:39:07 AM »
Yes they question the abused for staying.  Why does she stay?There's a multitude of reasons for the abused and some of them are not based in reality. They are based in fear.

But it seems no one asks the question:

Why does he abuse?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #138 on: January 23, 2019, 05:16:40 PM »
Quote
Why does he abuse?

That is a great question and like why does the abused stay, there are a multitude reasons and most are grounded in fear.

Many were abused themselves and they see being the abuser as a symbol of newfound power.

Some desire control and see the relationship as the only aspect of their lives that they can actually control.

Some lack self-esteem and don't want to appear weak. They are meant to be in control and they will use any means to show that they have the power.

The worst are those that simply see others as objects and enjoy the ability to provide pain or pleasure for their own self-gratification.

Whatever the reason, there is never a valid reason to intentionally hurt a loved one through physical means.

My ex cheated on me, went through monster many times, lied, and stole, but I never raised a hand in anger towards her. Never pushed or shoved her.

I have dated my current wife for four years and now we have been married for five months. I have never struck her either. That is how a man handles himself.

Okay, I lied. I have gently swatted my new wife's butt. But she has such a cute butt!

((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline in itTopic starter

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Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Reply #139 on: January 23, 2019, 05:42:04 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D
I'm sure she doesn't mind that Ready  ;)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

 

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