[Anjae]

Many people believe that domestic violence is a private matter, to be dealt with behind closed doors.

But the truth is that domestic violence is a crime which affects the whole of society. We all have a role to play in ending it.

Yes, it is a crime. And in my country it is a public crime, meaning anyone can denounce a domestic violence case, take it to the police or court. I have called the police because of my mums neighbours constant domestic violence episodes.

They are an elderly couple who have two grown up sons with alcohol and drug addiction who tend to get violent.

The problem is that the police comes and they do not open the door or open and say nothing is going on. Since we are not on their flat all we can say is that we hear screams, the mum asking for help, etc.

No idea how to end domestic, or any other sort of violence. Violence is often a by product of alcohol, drug or other addiction. It can also be a hormonal or brain problem, the famous flight or fight that is rooted in the amygdala,, part of our old reptilian brain.

Then there is the large scale violence, war, terrorism, mass rape, that comes from anger, fear, powerless people wanting power.

Coursera has a course called Understanding Violence - https://www.coursera.org/course/violence

[in it]

Anjae you've done all you can do to help them.I'm sorry your mother has to listen to that. We cannot solve other people's problems. You have done all that can be done to restore peace.
In the bigger scheme of things it's pretty idealist to think we can have a significant effect againest a larger scale. The last post was found online and that's where a lot of all of this comes from fear and the need for control and power over another human being.

[Anjae]

I know I did all I could do, In It. There is little to nothing more I can do. The sons have serious issues. So far not even hospital, rehab, social workers, police, have been able to solve the matter. I will not be. The only thing we can do is call the police because, at least, it calms things down a bit.

[in it]

The most power you have is if you yourself becomes a target do whatever you need to do to protect you.

[in it]

Ways to honor your journey as you heal

October is Domestic Violence month.

Be creative. Include music, write down your feelings, poetry, dance, moments of silence, and stories shared by women.

Purple is the color for  the Month’s activities. Wear purple ribbons to bring national  awareness to the issues faced by battered women and their children.

Start small if you wish, but plan now to do  something during October. Make Domestic Violence Awareness Month part of your evolving  "herstory".

[in it]

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time
Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

[in it]

Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline

Being in an abusive situation can feel incredibly scary and isolating, and if children are involved – even indirectly witnessing the abusive – it can become a lot more complicated and dangerous. A parent’s instinct is to make sure their child is safe – but how can you do this best if your abusive partner is unpredictable, or manipulative?



Planning for Violence in the Home

If you are in an abusive relationship, a safety plan should include ways that your children can stay safe when violence is happening in your home. It’s key to remember that if the violence is escalating, you should avoid running to the children because your partner may hurt them as well

Teach your children when and how to call 911

Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where they can go

Come up with a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an emergency — make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means

In the house: Identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they can think about when they’re scared

Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are items that could be used as weapons

Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, that they should never intervene

Help them to make a list of people that they are comfortable talking and expressing themselves to
Enroll them in a counseling program (local service providers often have children’s programs)



Planning for Unsupervised Visits

If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your children’s safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are at their home can be beneficial.

Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.

If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid



Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home

Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station

Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange

Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other

Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feelings, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity

[in it]

"I'll never forget that look in your eyes, forgot your name,but not your eyes."

You used to call me on the phone crying.

I would always rush over to see what was wrong.

You would invite me in to your torn up home and you would show me the red marks and teary eyes.
So we would sit and talk and you never took me up on my offer to spend the night with a relative or just leave with me right then.

You would tell me that it would be ok and tell me to leave so at that time I had no choice but to leave. The laws didn't permit me to just take you with me back then just for a few red marks or I would have.I promise ,I really would have.

Then you called me again and again and again. Again I would look into your red eyes and even held you a few times while you cried on my holders. Even did talk you into leaving once but you went back that same night , said you loved him and he loved you and you were going to work on it.

I didn't like him and often got in his face but you would attack me from behind for trying to defend and protect you. You would yell at me and call me names and make me leave again without you. I would see you as I drove away looking out the window at me with his shadow lurking in the background and I would know that I would be seeing you again.

But this last time it was him who called me and said to come over but there was no rush this time. When I got there I saw why.I knelt down and closed your eyes for you for the last time but you couldn't see me.

I'll never forget that look in your eyes.  ever.

I may have forgotten your name. Maybe you were # 3 or #5 ,there have been so many but I won't forget the way you looked at me the last time, when I zipped you up right before it got dark.

Written by someone in law enforcement

[in it]

Surviving after abuse: Looking after yourself and moving on
( This was from a UK based site)

When the violence is finally over - you have arranged all the practical things like housing, money, schools for the children, and you feel reasonably sure that your abuser has stopped harassing you - you may be expecting to feel great. But that is unlikely to happen straight away. Recovering from abuse by someone who was close to you is a long process, and the damage may stay with you and your children for years.
 
Once you are away from the abuse, and it is safe to feel again, you may have a sense of anti-climax. You are likely to experience grief, pain and a deep sense of loss: your trust will have been betrayed, your self-esteem and confidence are shattered. In many ways it is like being bereaved - and as with a bereavement, healing will take time.
 
Looking after yourself
 
Treat yourself gently: don't rush the healing process, and don't expect to achieve everything you want straight away. Maybe you want to make huge changes - by changing your whole lifestyle, joining local organisations, returning to education, looking for a (different) job. This is all fine if that is how you are feeling, but if you don't want to change anything else at this point, that is fine too. It's good to have hopes and ambitions for the future, but try to set realistic goals and move at your own pace, rather than being concerned about what others might be thinking.
 
You may feel lonely and isolated: sometimes when you come home to an empty house or flat, it might seem that even an abusive partner was better than no one. Perhaps your partner cut you off from friends and family, so now you feel there is no one you can talk to or go out with. It may not be too late to re-establish contact with past friends - and in any case, you can think about making new friends and acquaintances.
 
Some of the things you might like to do:
Take time and space for yourself each day.
Reward yourself.
Do something you enjoy and are good at.
Take regular exercise (for example, try swimming, dancing, walking or climbing).
Learn a new skill (for example, yoga, meditation, self-defence).
Be creative: try drawing, painting, writing.
Practice relaxation exercises (for example, breathing exercises, tai chi, self-hypnosis or massage).
It's also important to eat well and to get enough sleep, if you can.
 
Gaining confidence
 
Living with someone who is always putting you down, criticising you, controlling you and being abusive or violent towards you will have sapped your self-confidence and your belief in yourself. You may find it hard (or impossible) to make decisions, even about small things - because your abuser did not allow you to make choices for yourself. You may find managing money very difficult: maybe your ex-partner controlled all the household finances; you are probably having to manage on a very limited income; and perhaps you had to leave behind many of your personal possessions.
 
You have already taken a huge step in leaving your abuser. Give yourself credit for that. Then think of all the other things you have achieved in your life, and build up a mental list that you can return to when you are feeling low.
 
You may find it helpful to talk about your experiences with other women who have also been in violent relationships. If you are not already in touch with your local Women's Aid refuge organisation or outreach service, you may find it helpful to contact them now, to see whether there is a support group you could join (or perhaps help to set one up). Contact the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge, for your local contact numbers.
 
Products focusing on building self-confidence (such as self-help books, CDs and courses) are widely available. Some of these may be effective, at least in the short term, but none appear to have been fully evaluated (Emler, 2005). You may also find the following websites helpful:
www.thesite.org: Although this site is primarily addressed to young people, the sections on self-esteem, self-harm, body image, and health generally are applicable to all age groups.
www.ivillage.co.uk: A site that is described as 'the website for women',it contains a number of pieces on building self-confidence, both in personal life and at work.
There are many other websites which contain some free information but are primarily designed to encourage you to sign up to a course (which you have to pay for). For more resources, see view useful links.
 
Moving on
 
While you were with your abuser, you may not have been free to decide for yourself what kind of work you did, whether you took on paid employment or not, what leisure activities you engaged in, whether to study for more qualifications or to join an evening class just for pleasure. Now you have only yourself and your children to consider - but you may find it frightening suddenly to be responsible for making your own choices.
 
You might have had to give up your job because you had to go into a refuge, or move away to a different area to get away from your abuser. If you are claiming benefits, it may not be financially worthwhile to look for paid work at the moment - particularly if you have childcare to consider. Maybe you would like to re-train for a different kind of work, or go back into education, or do some voluntary work for a while. Or perhaps you don't feel ready to take any of these steps just yet.
 
You might find it helpful to look at some of the information and support available for single parents. For example, the websitewww.singleparents.org.uk brings together information, advice and first-hand experiences to help you manage and enjoy life as a single parent. Information on welfare benefits, childcare, the pros and cons of paid work versus voluntary work, full-time parenting or going back into education, are all covered. The organisation One Parent Families runs a Lone Parent Helpline on 0800 018 5026 and their website provides a useful 'helpdesk' with basic information on benefits, childcare and other issues. See www.oneparentfamilies.org.uk. They also produce a 'Lone Parents' Guide to Caring for a Child with Additional Needs' which is free to single parents.
 
Helping your children
 
Your children, too, will probably take some time to adjust to the new situation. They will almost certainly have been affected by the abuse they witnessed or experienced directly (see the section on Children and domestic violence for more information on this). If you have moved to a different area, they will probably have to attend a new school and make new friends. They may be finding it really difficult to cope with all the changes in their lives - such as leaving their home and friends, and perhaps some of their possessions - and they will look to you to give them the answers they need.
 
You may find coping with your children's needs very difficult at a time when you are trying to deal with your own problems. On the other hand, you may find it a helpful distraction, or even see it as a reason for carrying on. Be as honest with your children as possible; let them know how you are feeling and tell them that you love them. Try to establish a 'normal' routine as soon as you can, and show them that you can be relied upon even though their father or step-father has let them down. Listen to your children's concerns, and help them to find other sources of support (for example, from grandparents or other relatives, from teachers or youth workers, or from workers and volunteers at a Women's Aid or other domestic violence outreach service).
 
Although your children will undoubtedly be relieved that the abuse has stopped, they may still miss their father or step-father, and may blame you for taking them away from him. If they want to see him, that is fine if you feel it is safe for them to do so; but do look at the chapter on Making arrangements for children after separation if you are afraid that any contact will put you and your children in further danger.

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