[bvFTD]

MLC violence is very dangerous and terrifying because there's absolutely no history of abuse. If you've lived with someone who adored you for decades you are completely unprepared for that person to suddenly and viciously turn on you. LBS (men and women) have been pushed, punched, kicked, bitten, choked and worse. The sudden "rage attack" that comes out of nowhere can leave the LBS paralyzed and in shock when what she has to do is try to MOVE - into a room and lock the door or out of the house. LBS must call the police to report the battery and ask the officers to take MLCer to the psychiatric wing of a hospital for testing or if the police refuse, ask MLCer's attorney to request mental status testing.

If you are given any type of warning that the MLCer is about to blowup, try to disengage. Do not argue. Walk away.

I think many of us are the walking wounded even if they don't clock us. We are subjected to emotional abuse, financial abuse, gas lighting, character assassination, shock and trauma from BD then antagonistic, expensive, stressful divorces and child custody battles. Many LBS have disordered and vengeful ow's thrust into their once serene and predictable lives severely affecting their children's well-being.

I have said so many times: Society, criminal and family courts must start protecting us. We need help.

My husband did not physically assault me but he scared me when he blew up at me for no reason shortly before BD. Thankfully, we were out in public. But I never did find out who threw 2 large cinder blocks into the rear window of my little Miata. The police asked me if I had enemies because that is considered a personal crime. I said of course not, but then I recalled telling my husband the week before that there was no way he was going to take my car so he could give his car - a new Mustang convertible - to a "friend."

[kikki]

Couldn't agree more bvFTD.  I didn't suffer physical abuse, but given the extreme behaviour changes, I wondered whether I would.  I slept with furniture against the door at night, for months, just in case.

Society, criminal and family courts must start protecting us. We need help.

I am not sure about the courts where you live, but in NZ where I live, despite being the first country in the world to give women the vote, I have been horrified at the attitudes of our legal and court systems.  They need to be hauled out of the dark ages.  Not sure how many centuries that may take given the cesspit of cronyism that engulfs the whole system.

[Velika]

bv I am glad you posted this and I also agree.

My FH was not physically abusive, but once he slammed the door in my face (almost catching my finger), and another time he physically moved me with both hands. He also shut a door in my face and threatened to call the police on me more than once.

Kikki and bv are both correct. Emotional abuse IS ABUSE. Being forced to coparent with someone who fits a diagnosis for a mental illness is traumatic and scary.

My former husband began buying guns after taking an interest in hunting about five months into MLC. He also obsessively got interested in boxing (one of the first changes) and watching videos of how to clean the animals he planned to hunt and kill. This means he also has knives and other equipment. I find it very frightening that someone taking psychiatric drugs off-label with no oversight of a psychiatrist and a radical change in personality and behavior has this level of access to deadly weapons.

I want to encourage anyone who is recently bomb dropped whose spouse has left the home to change the locks and all the passwords on your accounts, in addition to safeguarding your finances. Consider installing a security camera on your home, and make sure you have all the keys to your car. Do not let your former spouse in the home if he has been abusive, even emotionally abusive. Make sure sure your spouse cannot track or record you.

If you are too traumatized to do this — and you likely are — have a trusted friend or family member who can pledge total discretion to help you with this.

[Anjae]

Non MLC domestic violence is not the issue here. There is domestic violence outside of MLC. But in those cases, the violence is not a surprise nor an odd behaviour, it is already there before BD/MLC.

Exactly, Tresur.

The reason why Goner in Ghana it helps to know who else may have gone through this or is currently dealing it is so that person does not feel so alone.
There is no shame in it the shame and blame belongs solely to the abuser.

This.

MLC violence is very dangerous and terrifying because there's absolutely no history of abuse. If you've lived with someone who adored you for decades you are completely unprepared for that person to suddenly and viciously turn on you. LBS (men and women) have been pushed, punched, kicked, bitten, choked and worse.

Indeed. It is a sudden shock and it is very dangerous and terrifying. The lack of previous abuse history makes it different from pre MLC domestic violence. I am in no way downplaying the horror or non MLC domestic violence, but HS is geared at MCL & LBS.

[Not Applicable]

Well, if your spouse starts abusing substances after the start of MLC, then perhaps the violence is due to the effects of that, not the MLC itself. Likewise, I would first look for some other mental illness to explain violence in someone who wasn't previously violent. I mean even people suffering from NORMAL dementia of old age can get violent. Some of these MLCer violence stories sound like someone who has turned psychotic, for whatever reason.

[Anjae]

Some of these MLCer violence stories sound like someone who has turned psychotic, for whatever reason.

They do. And some have, at least in the moment. But since that only happened when they were already in MLC, it come with the MLC.

Abusing substances can also lead to violence. But, again, if the substance abuse only come after/with MLC, and the violence come from it, it is as a consequence of MLC. The susbtance abuse come with MLC (for those who didn't abuse before).

I don't understand your problem. Nor why are you trying to downplay what we have endured. Nor why a person in MLCer becoming violent has to be something else other than MCL connected.

Substance abuse, lack of sleep, psychotic episodes are all common things in MLC. When the person is out of crisis, usually those things are gone.

You weren't physically abused by your MLCer, were you? Why are you posting here and upsetting those of us who have been? It is insensitive  a and unkind of you.

[terrified_in_TN]

..... I am in no way downplaying the horror or non MLC domestic violence, but HS is geared at MCL & LBS.

Anjae:

  Real Quick on this:  I think this is a very important topic, both MLC abuse AND pre MLC abuse!  I for one have been abused right from the start of my 20+ year relationship but did NOT even know it!  How you might wonder...I always thought abuse was PHYSICAL.  Hell, I never even heard of other types of abuse.  I had no knowledge of NPD, or other personality disorders.  I always just operated by the premise of "Happy Wife, Happy Life" so my ex pretty much ruled the roost.  I am not talking about a healthy "normal" situation where she was in charge of the household, I am talking about allowing her complete control over almost all aspects of my life.  Her jealousy issues were off the charts.  Way past normal "healthy" jealousy.  We are talking pathological.  But, I accepted all of it as normal.  The "control".  The "isolation" from friends.  The "Always have to have it THEIR way".  And something I had even seen with my own eyes, but NEVER thought I'd be on the receiving end of "Having to win at ANY cost."

  When I was BD'd I showed up here like most any other new poster "we had such a great marriage, I don't understand what went wrong?".  It wasn't until I was FAR removed from the situation by TIME, and educating myself on HS and other websites that my eyes opened up and I was able to truly see my 20+ year relationship for what it ACTUALLY was, not what I had imagined it to be.

  Bottom line, I CAN'T be alone.  There have got to be more LBSes that have suffered relationship long abuse (not just MLC induced abuse) and don't even realize it yet.

  Now I will say this:  In my relationship, NEVER have either of us endured any PHYSICAL abuse.  There was NONE of that.  But physical abuse isn't the only kind to leave scars.  Some are just more visible than others.

-T

[Thunder]

I agree Terrified.

I, and my children, have many scars on the inside from my first H.
The emotional abuse was soul crushing.

[Ready2Transform]

Almost six years on this forum, and no one on the list of physically abused LBSs that I've ever seen told their story amidst shame. On the contrary, they were alerting and supporting other LBSs. It helps to know such intelligent, brave LBSs survived the experience for those who come here afraid and feeling alone.  It could (or can) happen to any of us.

I agree that it's the shift that makes it so different. It was so sudden. Mine was never a gun nut - until BD. Took me to gun shops to show me what he would buy, bragged about becoming proficient when he was off on trips with OW and their friends, spent money he was supposed to give to me for bills on automatic weapons. Got a conceal carry license. Absolutely aimed to scare me, just as he and OW aim to do when they leave dead animals and weirdo things on my doorstep.

I am glad he never put his hands on my body, but I think that would have been inevitable had he stayed. I think to some extent he had physical rage from age 18 forward when his father tried to choke him to death, before we started dating. His psychiatrist brought to the forefront that no one called the police or prosecuted his father for that and it was wrong (just treating it like it was an incident xH should 'get over' - something I'd always said to him, but he didn't take seriously). I think he's been "becoming" his abusive NPD father ever since. Time bomb.

[Anjae]

Terrified and Thunder, I am certain there are LBS here who have been in years, or decades long, abusive relationships.

As a general rule, a physical abuser is a verbal/emotional abuser. A verbar/emotional abuser is not always a physical abuser. Verbal/emotional abuse leaves scars, physical abuse can leave you dead.

I agree that it's the shift that makes it so different.

It is. It is different from a relationship where abuse was already present pre BD/MLC.