[Thunder]

Oh Anjae, I agree. 

Physical abuse is very dangerous. 

[Passiflora]

Almost six years on this forum, and no one on the list of physically abused LBSs that I've ever seen told their story amidst shame.

Hi Ready2 and the rest of HS,
First I must say that english is not my native language but I want to reply to this if I understand what you mean correctly. I don't remember my first posts (3,5 years ago now) but even if I did post all of the horrific abuse (might have forgotten a lot of the situations also) and even if I written lots and lots of replies to try to help other people. It took a long time for me to get over my shame over my situation. It's "easy" on a forum when you go by your "HS-name" but it's a totally other situation when I'm just me. Today, I can speak open about the abuse to alot of close people but there is still a lot of shame in me. I know men suffers more then women about being abused. As an exampel also, I'm a high school teacher and law is one of the subjects I teach. These last 4 years, I go into the subject of abuse alot to my students cause it's an important topic, still I can't manage to tell them I was abused myself, cause of my own shame.

I'm still seing a psychologist due to my PTSD or Complex PTSD and we have been talking about the shame part a lot. I was/am exstremely ashame of my "freeze respons" when the psychological abuse was at worst. Like, why did I become a zombie? A normal person would have gone to the police and report it. I even recognized it as abuse, even told xh "you are abusing me!" and I did not fight back, not once. I have been ashamed over, "why wasn't I even woman enough to strike back at least one slap when xh was in heavly monster mood?" I didn't even tell the schoolnurse when I went to her office for help with my stress eczema (my whole body was covered with this and I scratched so much in my sleep I was bleeding) I was to ashamed to tell her what was going on in my home.

With a lot of help from my IC and a whole lot of help from here and self studies, I'm now getting over the shame part. I know my freeze response and my zombie state is a total normal responce in these situtations (also that it steams from how I reacted when I was a child) and it was probably the best thing I ever could have done to NOT slap him, since he was totally out of control and with no impuse control what so ever that no one knows what he would have done to me. This I know now, didn't understand it at first or was not capable to get it into my head in my first years of recovery.

Why this shame, for me there is one easy answer. I thought people would think less of me as a person or as a woman for not fighting back for not going to the police etc. I had my mind filled with; "that is what you should do and I did not!". In my other post I brought up this topic of sexual/porn addiction or addiction in general. I'm not a psychologist (only a high school teacher in economics and law, hahaha) but from everything I've read there is a huge correlation between shame and addictive behaviour. Shame is "I am a bad person" guilt is "I've done something bad". When someone knows bc what they are doing is wrong to their own morals/values and if someone has really strong moral values like on the topic of infidelity yet doing it, when the sh*t hit the fan the persons shame is so high and the person acts out in different ways and with addicts it's not uncommon with both manipulative behaviour and abusive behaviour. The sad part is that this fuels the addiction, which fuels more abuse in a negative spiral.

OK long post about shame from me.

Hugs
 

[Anjae]

I think what Ready2 meant was that, those of us who have been physically abused didn't had a problem saying so/talking about it, on HS.

Do I go around in real life talking about it? No, I don't. It happened over 11 years ago and real life talks are not specific talks like in HS.

However, I have told about it to those that matter in real life, including my lawyer and my friend who his a psychiatrist.

Shame is "I am a bad person" guilt is "I've done something bad". When someone knows bc what they are doing is wrong to their own morals/values and if someone has really strong moral values like on the topic of infidelity yet doing it, when the sh*t hit the fan the persons shame is so high and the person acts out in different ways and with addicts it's not uncommon with both manipulative behaviour and abusive behaviour. The sad part is that this fuels the addiction, which fuels more abuse in a negative spiral.

Yes.

MLCers have both, shame and guilt. Many of them gained addictions in MLC (because of MLC?). Some already had addictions prior to MLC.

[Velika]

I think Passiflora makes a really good point about the shame a victim can experience in the wake of a trauma, and how this can make recovery more complex.

Like Passiflora, I completely froze. I couldn’t see that I was being emotionally abused because I was shocked into a very susceptible state where I could not reconcile my FH behavior with what I had believed to be true about who he was. On some level I also saw he wasn’t well and was there left with the complex task of trying to understand and help a person who wanted to hurt me, along with another abusive person, the OW, who I believe also contributed to the emotional abuse, all while still believing I was in part responsible for his behavior. (Something I can see is ridiculous now and also something I think HS should not imply or encourage. Traumatized  victim should not be encouraged to focus on self improvement or validate abuse, even if our spouses are unwell. Focus should be on total safety of the LBS.)

I have to credit Passiflora who was a person who wrote directly, “You are being abused.” I could not even see this clearly because I was still beleiving my FH accusations to me. I truly believed he was reacting to my own failings, that is how overwhelmed and confused I was.

I agree many LBS have been gaslit for some time. However I also think that there is some type of tipping point for some that turns whatever this is into an acute condition.

[in it]

Yep if someone had said that in 2010 "You are being abused" maybe I would have paid more attention. I was being stalked and harassed (by phone, email, in person at work) all in believing this was an MLC and I had to go through that to have my family back.

He'd already divorced me by the time I started posting so what was the problem? He'd gotten what he wanted why not leave me alone?
Why didn't he? I had no boundaries.

My fault was never mentioning the domestic violence and the intimidation and threats back then on this forum.

Frankly I was very concerned about my kids.His behavior was off the charts and would not let anyone regain any balance or sense of peace.He had to keep everyone upset and keep the focus on him.

[bvFTD]

In It:

Nothing was ever your fault. You felt you weren't ready to mention domestic violence back then. You were more concerned about your children and trying to keep your sanity in all the chaos.

[Anjae]

Agree with bvFTD, nothing was your fault, In It. We aren't always ready to share everything, and violence towards us by a spouse is never easy to speak of.

Mr J was violent back in early November 2016, and again in April 2017. HS didn't exist by then. There is a reason why I left and come back home, leaving most of my stuff behind. My life is more impostant than stuff.

When I come to HS, he had long left, and I have been back home for years. Did he keep being abusive? He did. With his court cases, for example. But those were dealt by my lawyer. And he can't touch me here.

[bvFTD]

Anjae:

I want to thank you for bringing up this topic. I agree with you that someone who starts suddenly abusing their spouse in midlife is in a different category.

[Anjae]

You're welcome, bvFTD. But is In It that deserves credit. She was the one that started this thread. 

[bvFTD]

Thank you, In It. I so appreciate you all.