XYZCF, DJ, StillStanding,Thunder - Thank you all
I don’t believe I will be married very much longer. My wife received the paperwork to file - (I always told her that I do not want this, I told her that I would not stand in her way from being happy, I told her I would sign anything - do anything needed for her to be happy, - BUT I would not file for my marriage to end.)
I told her that I hate the word “Divorce” and “Dissolution” - but these words are at my front door now.
She will have to file with the county clerk and then it shouldn’t take long after that. She has had the paperwork for more than a week now and I don’t know if or when she will file.
That is her burden to bear. You know it's coming, but let her figure the rest of it out. Just just because you get divorced, it doesn't mean it has to be the end of the story. My wife told me when she moved out that I could expect divorce papers within a few weeks; that was 6 years ago, and nothing has been done towards a divorce.
You asked earlier about people who split up and got back together? Actually, my parents did just that. Between the time I proposed to my wife and our wedding, my parents got divorced (my dad was have a long-distance EA) and remarried, once he realized that the reality of life with the OW wasn't what he thought it would be.
My wife seems to want as little contact with me as possible. And I am worried if I would text her something like “I was just thinking about you, I want you to know I still care and love you. I hope your doing well” she would go ape shhhht and distance herself further away.
That is a reasonable concern (especially given what you say below). She is already on her way out the door; saying these things right now does not convey what you want it to convey.
She wants her space. By pursuing her, you are actually reinforcing her desire to leave; she thinks that leaving you will make her happy—if it's MLC then she's wrong, because the crisis is within her.
I haven’t initiated any contact with her for about 2.5 months now and but I do answer her text. In the beginning of my ordeal, I told her I would never stop telling her that I loved her - and I did for a long time. Even after she moved out about 3 mo ago. At first, she would just say “I know”. Later on, she would get mad and I would reminder that I would never stop telling her how much she means to me. Eventually, she started to get the “whatever” look. And right after she moved out, I sent flowers to her work with a card that said “just thinking of you”. She sent me a angry email telling me to never - ever send anything like that to her work again - we are no longer a couple or family…” (I normally did this on BDays, Anniversarys….)
After that, I just kind of stopped. I guess I was loosing faith that our relationship could be saved. She obviously didn’t want to have anything to do with me.
That is entirely true—for now. Listen to what she says, and respect her boundaries. Like I said in the DB coaching post I made, you want her to understand that this is a serious problem in your relationship, and that you will give her the space she wants to figure things out. All of your attempts to reinforce how you feel may actually be fueling her desire to proceed with the divorce!
Am I wrong for not telling her I care? Am I wrong for not initing contact - only answering when being spoken or texted to?
My wife never calls at all. She only text about the kids. “do you want me to pick them up or are you bringing them” type or text messages.
Nope! You're giving her space to think.
Should I communicate more from my end? Text about the kids or anything to do with them and possibly my in-laws?
Have you ever broken up with a woman (or girl, as a teenager) because you just weren't into her, or she did something to piss you off or hurt you? How would you feel if she kept calling you, or sending you love notes?
This is exactly what you are doing to your wife right now.DO NOT ATTEMPT TO INITIATE CONTACT. Unless it has to do with child care arrangements, financial matters, or the divorce proceedings, leave her alone.
Speed, I totally get it. I was one of those people who felt like, if I could just
show her how much I care, she'd understand. But that's not how breakups work. She has rewritten history in her mind to place all of the blame on you. The best thing you can do is give her time to realize that you aren't the problem in the relationship.
I am just plain confused - and I don’t understand how to communicate in this environment.
It is very counterintuitive; everyone's first impulse when the bomb is dropped is to beg for another chance, or pursue the walk-away spouse. But it almost never works. Until she
wants to try to reconcile with you, there's nothing you can do.
Find and read a copy of Women in Midlife Crisis. Try reading "The Divorce Remedy" from Michele Weiner-Davis as well.
It just seems weird to me that we always communicated great about everything, we got along great, did everything together - and now it is strange to have some sort of “transparent wall” with her.
But that's what happens with breakups. You are going from being a unit, a married couple, to being two people. There is going to be a loss of intimacy, of being able to really connect with your wife. (That is actually one of the reasons MLCers run from us—because we know them so well.)
You do have an advantage, going forward—your kids. You will always be connected to your wife (or your soon-to-be ex-wife, if she gets her way). There will be time down the road to pave the way.
If she were to ask you how you felt about her, I would not lie or equivocate. But don't use it as an attempt to plead your case; just tell her "I still care for you, and I think we can make this work. But I can't and I won't make you stay if you don't want to be here." Put that decision back on her.
StillStanding:
Thanks for the suggestions on how to act with her.
This is what I would have done on my own, but I just don’t get how “Detaching and these suggestions” can work together hand in hand?
I haven't been on the site in a while, but I see people referring to "detaching" and it seems very different than the concept of detachment that I am used to.
Detachment is about reclaiming responsibility for and control over your emotions. Detachment is what allows a doctor to treat a seriously ill child without breaking down in tears at the child's misery. It's not that the doctor doesn't care about the child—they know that the best way to help them is to maintain emotional distance.
You asked if I am a Church going guy.
I believe in God, but I have never been a Church going guy. I pray and talk to him on my own - when I need him, but no I am not a practicing Church member. What is between God and me is just that.
The funny thing is that my wife grew up very close with her Church. From the time she was a little girl to her late teens, she was very active
with her Church. I was so proud when her Paster (whom she grew up) married us in front of our family and friends.
She stopped going to Church when she was around 18 but still did the larger services Christmas, Easter…. When she started acting out of character last Sept, she blamed me for not bring our children up “in the Church.” In Dec she actually started to go to Church 1.5 months before BD. I told her that I would like to go with her and support her. I told her that we could make it a family day - Get up, go to Church, go out afterwards for lunch. etc…
Happened once and then she just didn’t go anymore -
My wife grew up in the church as well. She stopped going because she said she didn't want to force it on me—I didn't grow up in the church—but since she moved out, she hasn't really gone. Her family knows very little about what is happening; my MIL knows about the other man (because my wife couldn't stop texting him when she came to visit us) but no one knows that she moved out.
Yes, for 6 years!You commented on character flaws:
My wife and I got along great. Sure, we had arguments every so often. We did have a few larger arguments - maybe 4 in our 26 year marriage. - Our MC told us that we “were a normal relationship.” That there was nothing that would make them think we needed to “D.”
When I am stressed out at work, I don’t bring it home. Home is where that stress
is not. Home is a place of safety, enjoyment. I always told her how much I love her. I kissed
her, hugged her everyday until she put a stop to it. Sex was no problem - on my end.
My wife is the one who slowed that to a halt.
That is probably because her desire to leave has to do with MLC, not with any real problems in the marriage. Not that there aren't things she'd probably be happy to see you do.
If (anyone reading) could give me some insight to “your” communication level with your MCL.
Do you talk - in person or phone?
If so, is all business with Kids or is it on a personal level/small talk.
Do you communicate like this when you text or email as well?
This goes out to all LBS who are standing - divorced or not.
My wife and I have regular contact, but it comes and goes. I would probably classify the contact level as "Boomerang." Sometimes she will text me several times a day, and there have been times where I have gone for two weeks (or more) without hearing from her.
We still see each other at gatherings with friends. Sometimes we see each other for the holidays. Her birthday is on Sunday, and I dunno if people are going to want to take her to dinner or have a get-together, or what.
Her family never visits us, but we both attended the weddings of her younger siblings since bomb drop. Not because I was expected to, but because I still consider them family—I've known my SIL since she was 13!
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